Question:
Why is my once supportive sister being negative now that I am approved?
She has never really been for the surgery but she has supported my decision to have it done, but now that I actally have an approval, she has been negative like, what if you get cancer you will have no fat to fight with, and telling my children that I will never be able to buy them anything again because I will have to be buying me new clothes all the time, and that I may as well get a divorce now because she knows I won't be happy with my heavy husband when I am thinner, stuff like that. It really hurts my feelings, she is my best friend other than my husband. She is morbidly obese also so she should understand totally. What do you think? — [Anonymous] (posted on October 26, 2001)
October 26, 2001
I can't tell you why your sister is like this, but you're not alone! While
I understand this hurts you, please continue your plans for surgery. You
know the fact is as you get thinner you'll be able to do more with / for
your children. Cancer is an IF, your obesity is a deffinate, and you need
to take care of it. It IS true that this surgery has been known to affect
relationships, you may need help, but it is not a guarentee that you'll
lose your husband... My husband and I are in this "together" and
he's looking forward to my surgery as much as I, because he knows it's
going to make me healthier and I'll be able to do more with him as well..
Everyone's experience is different.. Good luck on your journey, and my
condolences for your sister's ignorance.. Please feel free to email me if
you need to talk ..
— Elizabeth D.
October 26, 2001
She is probably envious and now that you are approved, it is more real and
more threatening to her. Just reassure your children that you will still
spend money for things for them. You love them and besides, you will have
all the extra grocery money to fill out your wardrobe.
I have never heard that fat is a great cancer fighter. Lance Armstrong
beat cancer and he has the least body fat I have ever seen on a man. As
for your husband, how does he feel about this himself. I have seen some
marriages break up and others become much stronger after surgery. I doubt
if your sister is in a position to make that judgment for you.
Counter her 'arguments' with logic and love. Invite her to talk privately
to you about her own fears over the surgery. Assure her that you love her
and that you are doing what is right for you. If necessary, shield your
children from their auntie if she will not stop filling their heads with
nonsense. I am sure, as you progress, she will see the happiness this
brings to you and yours and she will come around for you.
Best wishes on your journey to health.
— [Anonymous]
October 26, 2001
It appears there my be some jealousy because you have the courage to do
what you need to do about your obesity, and she may not have the courage.
It is possible that she has felt this way all along. I feel what she is
telling your children is horrible and cruel. I pray you have another source
of support. Try to get her the book from this site and any imformation on
Wls you can find. Maybe she does not completely understand all that is
involved with the surgery, and she is afraid for you. Meanwhile... pray
for her understanding and support.
— [Anonymous]
October 26, 2001
Hi, I too have been having problems with my sister regarding support for
the surgery. She keeps telling me how stupid I am to try to go for this
surgery. She is a wonderful person and I understand that she is scared
that I may not make it through surgery, but what she doesn't understand is
that if I don't have the surgery I don't see myself living pass my fifties.
Our mother died at 50 morbidly obese of kidney failure, hypertension, and
diabetes. Yes this is a dangerous surgery but your sister needs to support
you even if it means changing the status quo. Sometimes it is hard for
sisters to accept each others attempts to change. Just my two cents.
— Elizabeth P.
October 26, 2001
10/26 Wow! That would be hard to take. I don't have a sister, but my mom
was totally negative. Sometimes people like to have co-conspirators in
their misery and when someone gets out of that rut, they try to ruin their
new freedom because they can't/won't get out of the rut. I think your
sister secretly wishes she was going to be thin too. With a firm approval,
it is no longer just talk, it is going to happen. I agree that boundries
should be set, and if she continues to say things to your children, maybe
she needs a time out! One of my mom's favorite things is to blame herself
for some shortcoming she feels I have and moan/cry about how it is all her
fault, she did this/that or the next thing to cause it. She'll get herself
all worked up and have a good cry and a big pity party. I hope your
husband is 150% with you on this, who knows it may spur him on to lose some
weight. The best thing to do is let him know he is your one & only and
you couldn't imagine being with anyone else in the universe. The more
weight I lose I am sure to confirm my love to my husband so he won't think
I would look anywhere else. Take good care of yourself and find support
elsewhere if you need to. Are there support meetings somewhere near you
that you could attend?? Take care and all the best to you.
— Karen M.
October 26, 2001
My sister Who is morbidly obese was not supportiveat all. Well now that I
am 170 lbs ligher(10 1/2 months later) and all my co-morbidities are gone
I really don't care what she thinks!! I am so healthy, happy and feeling
like a whole person again.Your sister needs to keep her comments to only
positive ones or risk not being around you childern. You owe that to your
kids.The kids need to be 100% sure that Mom is going to be fine!!Good luck
and God Bless You in your soon to be NEW Healthy Life!!
— [Anonymous]
October 26, 2001
Most of the negativity I receive is from Morbid Obese friends. It must be
some kind of defense for them handling it after we are all skinny and most
of all healthy. All I can say is to keep loving her and accepting her just
as you want her to accept you and she will come around.
— Kelly C.
October 26, 2001
Well obviously she is jealous. She knows that one day you will be thin and
she will still be obese. Misery loves company. She is miserable about
being fat, as you are, so now that you are going to change and have found
the solution to your problem, she will be alone in her misery. I know they
say blood is thicker then water, but if this woman really cared about you,
she would not try to turn your kids on you. That's what she's doing you
know. Telling them that you will be using all the money on yourself and
not on them, is a way to sabatoge you. She figures the kids will get on
you about it and you'll change you mind. I wouldn't let her near my kids.
What kind of person tries to to turn someone's kids away from them? A mean
one. And as for your husband. Is your sister married? I suspect she's
jealous of you on that note too. Who is she to judge how your marriage
will turn out. I would confront her, tell her that what she is saying is
cruel, and that if she doesn't stop, that maybe your relationship won't be
as close. Maybe it will shut her up, or maybe she will go on her own way.
Either way, you don't need someone doing that to you , your kids, or your
husband. I wish you well in your journey.
— [Anonymous]
October 26, 2001
I have a slightly different take on this than your sister being jealous.
What about fear? I had a very close friend completely freak out after I was
approved for the surgery, and started making all kinds of negative comments
as well. When we finally talked it all out, and I confronted them, it
turns out that they were scared that I was going to die, and they were
scared that they were going to lose me. It doesn't excuse the negative
comments, or the lack of support, but something to consider. It certainly
didn't change my decision, and I basically said that I could not have
people in my life who were not going to be supportive of me. It certainly
helped to talk everything out.
— blank first name B.
November 16, 2001
I think she was always comfortable having you fat because she could always
feel good about herself. She was the better sister, the thinner sister,
the sister worthy of praise because she wasn't you. This is the mindset of
those who think they are better by virtue of weighing less. The fact that
you have taken control of a medical condition and will be healthier isn't
bothering her. The fact that you won't be fat frightens her and makes her
feel out of control. It's now a scarier world somehow. I know there is no
logic to those feelings but this is what I think is going on with her. The
nasty cracks to your children are just paybacks for upsetting her world.
— Carmen K.
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