Question:
unsupportive family members-where do I turn?

Well, I am four and half months post op and down 66lbs (Pre BMI of 43). My mother has not been supportive from the beginning and hence, we do not talk due to her constant negativity and constant making fun of me (I HAD to have the surgery to lose weight, etc). Up until recently, my MO sister (5' 3" and like 350+) had always been supportive and understanding--her all of people should understand how painful it is to be MO, but lately she has been making comments and saying things negative about the surgery. For example, today she said that she knows a guy that lost 70lbs on atkins diet in 7 months and didnt have to have the surgery...and his brother did the same thing.. and she has made comments about my hair falling out and how the hair loss could of been avoided if I would of stuck to atkins instead of making my decision. She has also been pointing out people who have had the surgery and failed (i.e. Roseanne Barr). This has been going on for the past month and she doesnt seem to like to hear anything about my diet, my life, etc. She just seems to make cheap shots anymore... like.. well if you would of did atkins, you wouldnt have to get monthly shots... (mind you, I was on atkins before and lost 50lbs, just to gain 70lbs). My hubby says I should just ignore her, but it is so hard when they are my family and the closest family I have. My mom and I already have no relationship left anymore, and now I feel like I am loosing my sister. Any comments on how to deal, cope or behave in this situation? I have like no idea what to say to her. Thanks.    — Carla M. (posted on June 30, 2003)

June 30, 2003
I too am facing what you are my surgery will be August 12th ...my obese family told me at is a "disgrace" and "insult" to them that I am doing this. ....Because they are doing it "the hard way" ....they spend all there time telling me about how they know people who lost 100 lbs with diet and exercise and how they heard that the RNY will destroy my health.....To deal with them this is the conclusion I have come to..... They are envious because they are not corageous enough to do what it takes to find success when it comes to weight loss!! There is no reason for them to be so awful unless they are jealous ...you see I think they treat us like outcasts becuase now we are "leaving" them they will all alone in their fight with obesity and they are scared and they feel betrayed...I guess in truth we should feel sorry for them... I hope that helps and I wish you he best of luck... Prayers and Best wishes- Elena
   — E. V.

June 30, 2003
My Father used to say " the best revenge is living well". Go on with your life. Snicker with them, and in 5 years, when they are still fat and unhappy, your life will be better and you will be in your new life and enjoying life. Good luck ot you, keep your chin up, you are doing fantastic.
   — Vicki L.

June 30, 2003
Sometimes we have to practice tough love. Stay away from your sister. If she asks why, tell her the truth, you got tired of her negitivity. Or you could try to tell her how her negitivity hurts you and if she can't say positive things, you don't want to be around her. Then when she makes her remarks (which she will, she can't help herself) you should point out again her negitivity and if she continues you need to leave and not be around for a while. I know this is tough, family is very difficult to deal with cause they know where all our buttons are. I choose to live 1000 miles away from any relitives. It works for me. Good luck. Don't be afraid to hang up the phone or get up a leave. Just say "This is not acceptable." and DON'T ACCEPT IT. No one can walk on you without your permission so start refusing it. (Easier said than done - don't beat yourself up if the first few times you fail. - just keep working on it)
   — Sunny S.

June 30, 2003
I am five months PRE-OP and it looks like we have a lot in common! Right now, I am doing Atkins, but I plan to go ahead with the surgery regardless. WLS is a huge decision; it's not one that any of us entered into half-heartedly. I know that even if I have moderate success with Atkins, that it will eventually come back. As the others have said, put your foot down. Tell them that your WLS is no longer a topic of discussion and that you will leave or ask them to leave or hang up, if they persist in the negativity. And when they do continue with the negative, you have to be firm and follow through on your promise. That is what I am going to do with my family and I know that it will work if I am strong.
   — beckyvee

June 30, 2003
Maybe they haven't changed, but you have! Think about that. They've always been negative and you probably were negative right along with them. Now you're not! It scares them. Leave them be for awhile, and when you do speak with them avoid WLS / dieting / exercise topics. If they bring it up, answer politely and change the subject. We tend to overdo it because we're soooo obsessed with our new way of life. But they (the outsiders) really couldn't care less and are tired of hearing it from us. Sing a different song and maybe they will, too. It's worth a shot. BTW, my mom thinks she's soooo supportive, but she hasn't once said anything to me about my 60lb weight loss, the same as 2 older sisters, their comment "I don't see it." How nice, even a stranger would say, "oh, yeah you look great!" They're afraid (maybe of saying the wrong thing...of being fatter than me...who knows?...who cares!) You're doing great. Come here for the support you need.
   — msmaryk

June 30, 2003
Carla, if your sister is so adamant about how great Atkins is (My DH is doing Atkins and has lost 40lbs and almost at goal so it does work for some people, not all), why isn't she on it and why is she still MO? She's talking about something she knows nothing about. And I agree with the other poster, its jealousy and the fear that you are 'leaving' her behind. Same goes for your Mom. I also agree with the other poster who said, "Living well is the best revenge". Now is not the time for negativity. Tell them how you feel and leave it at that. Its THEIR problem, not yours. Yes, it hurts but it is your life and as long as your DH is behind you in this, thats all that matters. Good luck!
   — Kris T.

June 30, 2003
as the saying goes, it takes one to do the walking on, and one to be the carpet. that being said, i'm going thru similar things with my family, so i can sympathise. my mother is constantly making comments about my health and trying to tell me what i can and can't or should and shouldn't do. i finaly had to tell her i don't expect you to agree with my decision, but i do expect you to support me. if you can't support me, then leave off. whenever she starts making deragotory comments, i tell her i don't want to talk about it, and if she continues, i leave, hang up or ask her to leave. it's hard because she's the only parent i have left, but she is finaly getting the idea. especaly after an "episode" happening, i don't contact her in any way. if she wants to talk, she comes to me. it's hard, and hurts very badly. if not for my dh and mother in law, i would be bad off. be firm. when they start, warn them. if they continue, remove yourself from the situation, and don't contact them. make them come to you. eventualy with patient application of board to back of head will get thru. a lot of people think we are taking the easy way out, and that may be why they are responding to you that way.(after having it they would definalty NOT think it is the easy way out) they could even be genuinly worried about you, and that may be the only way they know to express the worry. whatever the reason, you don't have to put up with it. lot's of luck, and we'll keep you in our prayers. out 9 weeks, down 44 lbs
   — mellyhudel

June 30, 2003
IGNORE THEM. Read my profile... I hear you loud and clear!! Hear me... ignore them... they are just jealous!! Please read my profile and email me... we can support each other through this! I know I would love to talk to someone else who is having these same problems! :~)
   — Sharon M. B.