Question:
People want to know how I'll stick to a
My mom and my sister have been fairly negative about me wanting to have this surgery. They both feel I haven't tried hard enough and don't think I thinking realistically and rationally about everything (emotions,pain, just everything, etc..) and I have my rose colored glasses on. I have tried telling them about my many attempts to lose weight, my anger and depression about my failures regarding this...my poor self-esteem because I feel like such a failure. I've tried making them understand this surgery is my last hope..last chance to become more healthy. This is the first time in ages that I actually am excited about something regarding me and my body (unbelievable!!!) I want to do this whole thing right so I can feel like a success. So, how do you go about convincing those important people in your life (yes, they are important) that this time will be different and it'll be worth it? It seems to be falling on deaf ears. My sister says everyone is surgery crazy these days...sigh!! My mom doesn't really want to discuss it in much detail/depth because she's a little overloaded with stress/worry about my dad who just had knee surgery because he missed a step on the stairs and tore ALL the tendons in his knee!!! She says she has enough to worry about with him and doesn't want to even think about my surgery because it'll worry her too much. I understand that .....but what do I do now? I don't expect her to glue herself to my side at the hospital or anything just a little understanding and support. Sorry for being so long winded!! At least I do have my husband's support as well as from his side of the family. — kathleen-Joan piper (posted on April 18, 2003)
April 18, 2003
Kathleen, you have my wholeharted sympathies with what you're going thru.
I'm 1 week pre op, and have been fighting the same battle with my own
family. It's not been easy, but I'll give you the same advice I was given.
Morbid Obesity is a life thereatening disease. More people die from obisity
each and every year. It's like having a defective heart, and getting a new
one would save your life. Would they blame you for it then? You run the
same risk of being in a car accident as having complications from the
surgury. It does hurt when family doens't listen or don't seem to
understand. Everytime I call to talk to my brother (which,here lately not
often at all), he treats me to a searmon (literaly) that he doens't believe
in it, and that it's not right. YOU know what you've done diet and
lifestyle wise. YOU know what you've been thru, and YOU alone can make this
kind of life changing decision for YOU and for YOUR health. It took a lot
of courage for me to tell my brother I didn't want to hear it, and if he
couldn't say anything constructive to not talk to me. I told him and my
mother that I didn't expect them to agree with my decision, but I did
expect them to SUPPORT my decision, and if they couldn't do either of that,
to not even talk to me about it. My mom has finaly started comming around,
and this sunday my husband and I are having Easter dinner with them, so
we'll see how he is. It's hard when people we love don't understand, but
patient application of board to back of head has been known to get results.
If all else fails, don't contact them. Make them come to you. You have
(like me, and I thank God daily) your husband and his family to support
you. It does hurt, especialy when the people who are supposed to love you
don't support you. Cry on your husband's shoulder if necessary. Use him as
the support he is supposed to be there for, and remember we are all praying
for you.
— mellyhudel
April 18, 2003
I'm so sorry to read about your situation. I have been fortunate in that
everyone close to me that knows has been incredibly supportive. I had one
friend - not even a close friend - give me a sort of negitive response to
my news and it really played havoc with my self assurance. I had to decide
that it was ok if she didn't agree, I know this is my best choice right
now. Your mom and sister will most likely understand after they see you
becoming a healthy and energetic person. Your mom may not want the stress
but You are very important to her and I bet she will be there when you need
her. God Bless and good luck.
— MaryCinFL
April 18, 2003
I have the same situation as well. I went ahead with my surgery, just last
week, and will be seeing my family for the first time later today. I
answered their questions to the best of my ability and let it go at that.
I would have wished for better support, but in the end, I must do what I
feel is right and necessary for my future health and well-being. I love
them dearly, I appreciate their concern, but I did what was best for me.
Ten days post-op and would not change a thing. Good luck to you.
— Diane B.
April 18, 2003
i understand that you really want your family to support and understand
your choice for wls. but you are 36 years old for goodness sakes!(i mean
that with alot of love)i love my mom and respect her very much(and i have
never back talked her..i'm a good southerbell lol), but this choice was
mine and mine alone. one that i will have to live with. i don't live in the
same state as my mom and i called her on the phone to tell her. after we
said our "hellos" i said "mom, after alot of thought,
research and a talk with my doctor i have made a choice, one that i am not
changing my mind on, but i think you should know about because it is
medical." the way i worded it when i told her was so that it was not
up for debate. i, a grown woman married 11 years with 2 children had made
my own informed choice about my body. because it was surgery and i love my
mom and she loves me(big grin) that is why i told her. she respected me for
my informed choice. the only people who know i am having wls are my
husband, his mother and my mother. i know i will tell "some" of
my family later when i choose, but my body and choice is NOT up for debate.
i know you love your family very much and i am sure they love you too. but
you must remember this is your body...not theirs. you all don't have to
agree and they don't have to understand...just love and respect one
another. and if they keep saying negative things, let them know..this isn't
a debate, nobody is going to take a vote. i wish you the best
— franbvan
April 18, 2003
No matter what our age, we are always our parents children and want our
parents approval. There are people out there who have a vested interest in
our staying heavy. There are people who are just afraid of change. I have
people who have both supported my decision and others who disagree.
Ultimately what everyone else has said is true. This decision is yours and
yours alone. As you start to lose weight and feel better about yourself,
your parents will see the change in you and I'm sure they will come around.
Good luck.
— StephN1966
April 18, 2003
I agree 100% with Stephanie!~ When I started talking about surgery I think
I did get a little wrapped up in the whole thing, so thats all I talked
about, but that's b/c nobody believed me when I said I was going to have it
done. When the time finally came, I spent 4 days in the hospital and only
my husband came to be with me and when I got home, I think I had 2 visitors
the first month, and I have alot of family, most have'nt seen me yet. Oh,
and now that I lost the weight I get that your too skinny, you have
changed, blah blah blah! They have changed, not me! Anyways, YOU are making
the choice and family is nice to have, but they do not live YOUR life for
you, so do what YOU want! It sounds like they will be by your side when the
time comes :O) Good Luck!
— Sandy M.
April 19, 2003
Hi! My mom and sister tried to talk me out of it. They tried to sneak
around and call my hubby and get him to talk me out of it. They had read
about the 1/200 that die and were sure that I would die. They felt that I
had not tried to diet enough or hard enough. Little did they know how much
I dieted because I stopped telling them, because I'd get responses like:
"how long will it last this time?" or those looks (you know those
looks). Anyway, I had my surgery on 1/27/03 without their approval. I'm
now 3 months out, down 50 lbs and feeling 100% better than I have in the
past 12 years. I am active and doing well. My mom did come to the
hospital every day, but has not seen me in 2 months. I'll see her tomorrow
for Easter. My sister has totally come around and is supportive now,
eventhough she still thinks I'm going to have some sort of complication
later (she's waiting to give me an "I told you so"). I'm happy
with my decision, which by the way is MY decision. I'm 38 and decided to
do things for me for a change and not to make others happy.
I would go back and do it again in a heartbeat. I've had no
problems/complications and other than healing, this has been relatively
easy. I have a 2nd chance at a healthy and active life. This has truly
been a miracle and I'm very thankful for it. I say go for it, remember
there is a time to be true to yourself and only you know what is best for
you! Best Wishes! CB - 1/27/03 - 298/245/175
— CrystalBroj
April 19, 2003
Kathleen, The one thing I can add to the other's comments is that when we
have this surgery, something changes inside us -- not just physically but
at a serious emotional level. My WLS resulted in an in describable
motivation that I never before thought was possible. After all the years
of struggling, I finally *want* a healthy body and mind. WLS provides the
very tool necessary to change our past thinking and behaviors. This may be
a good reply to your family's skepticism. My thoughts are with you.
— Paula A.
April 19, 2003
Sometimes I wonder if people just really need or want someone to beat up on
and in most of our cases, why not let it be the "fat girl". If
you lose weight, they'll find something else to complain about. As long as
you and your husband are happy, everyone else can sit on it. They can't
talk about your weight anymore. Do you think that maybe you are now
competition where you wouldn't so much as be a threat before? I wonder how
will they feel about you in a few months after your weight goes down and
your self-esteem will come up? Keep us posted :).
— tinky471
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