Question:
Coming to a realization...

When did you first realize that you were morbidly obese? I never thought I was as big as I actually was. I always thought I looked nice, always had a great hairdo and ALWAYS wore makeup. Then, I went to 6 Flags Kentucky Kingdom last June, and it took TWO rollercoaster attendents to push the little bar thingie closed on me. I was completely floored. I couldn't believe I was that big! I think it really devestated me on more than one level. I rarely fix my hair more than is necessary to clean it. I NEVER wear makeup anymore. I feel guilty about eating, but then I think "I am already so far gone. What is one more donut going to hurt?". I just feel like there is no sense in decorating a body with makeup and whatnot, when that body is so repulsive that I don't even like to look at myself. I am having a really hard time dealing with the fact that I am so large. I guess I was in denial about it, but now...I am ready to DO something about it!!!!!!!    — BeckyT (posted on July 1, 2003)

July 1, 2003
Hi, Rebecca. I just read your question about not ever realizing that you were obese. I know exactly what you are talking about. I went through (and continue to go through) the same thing. I always knew that I was heavy, but I never considered my self to be obese, let alone morbidly obese. It just sounds so yucky. Anyway, even though I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery in April, I guess it still didn't sink in. However, I finally realize just how large I am. This past weekend, my husband and I went to a Weird Al concert and I could barely squeeze myself into the seat. After it was over, I had deep grooves on my hips and now have bruises. I guess that is my wake-up call to realizing how big I really am. I am 5'8" tall and weigh about 310 pounds, depending on the day. I just received my insurance approval yesterday for surgery. I am going to have the laparoscopic roux-en-y gastric bypass surgery. I don't have a date yet, but I am anxiously awaiting that phone call. Anyway, it seems that we have quite a bit in common after reading your profile. If you would like to share your experience with me, I would love to listen. I think this website is such an important tool because you know that you're not alone and that others are experiencing the same traumas as you are. Anyway, good luck with your appointment on July 7th. I'm sure everything will go well. Hope to talk to you soon.
   — kristynush

July 1, 2003
WOW! The first part of your question sounds EXACTLY like me! I never walked out the front door unless I was dressed to the nines. When I'd look in the mirror I wasn't disgusted with the person looking back at me. HOWEVER, looking at a photograph was another story. I used to think that the camera had malfunctioned because there was NO WAY I was that big - even though everyone else in the photo looked perfectly normal. We have serious body image issues that we often don't even realize we have. Fortunately I continued wearing my makeup and fixing my hair right up until surgery and I'm even more diligent about doing it now that I'm at goal. Let me just tell you that you are not at all repulsive. You are a valid and wonderful woman. I'd encourage you to go back to taking pride in your appearance and doing everything you can to feel good about yourself until you can have surgery. You are at the beginning of an exciting journey. It won't always be easy but it is so very worth it. Best wishes to you every step of the way!
   — ronascott

July 1, 2003
I never realized just how MO I was until I was post-op and down 100 pounds. I remember going to the surgeon and actually wondering if I was heavy enough and if he'd think I really needed the surgery (HELLO, can you say BMI of 49????). I thought I looked pretty good that day as I had my "thin" outfit on (HA!) and was mildly surprised that the surgeon so enthusiastically agreed that I was a candidate ;) When I got the pre-op pictures months later, I was FLOORED. There's no way I thought I was that big. None. I still can't believe it. I never saw myself like that. I think you're right about the denial thing. The mind protects us from seeing reality as it's too hard to deal with. Good luck to you on your journey.
   — mom2jtx3

July 1, 2003
I have always been the fat girl. I do recall being 14 and my doctor telling me that I would be 'such a pretty girl if I just lost some weight'. But the first time it really hit me just how big I had become was when I auditioned for a Broadway revue and I was not selected, because the costume designer didn't want to make me a costume. Forget that I was the best singer there! Well, talk about being slapped in the face with reality. I was 20 years old, and 312lbs. I went into severe depression, and made an effort to make myself more ugly. But Girlfriend, the bottom line is that being fat doesn't make us ugly. Feeling ugly makes you ugly. Allowing society to drag us down and make us feel like lesser citizens makes us ugly. How many of you have got to the point where when someone tells you that you have a pretty face you take it as a negative comment? 'What are you saying? That I have an ugly body?!' I hear where you are coming from Rebecca, and I have been where you are. But the bottom line is that this surgery is here to help our body image, but WE are responsible to adjust and fix our self image. Being fat doesn't make us lesser citizens. WE are valid and beautiful. EVERYone of us. I just want to feel as healthy as I do beautiful. Have the energy to accompany my personality. Girl, put back on that make up, Get back to doing your hair. Do what you do to feel good about yourself. How we feel about ourselves is reflected all over our faces, and I think that that is why we always hear we have a beautiful face--because we do! Good luck to you.
   — TameraD

July 1, 2003
Hi Rebecca. I know exactly what you mean by being in a state of denial. I always knew that I was a little overweight, but not that bad. I had an insurance RN come to my house to take blood and my weight for my insurance coverage and when the scale flew up to 215 lbs. I almost fell on the ground. An even bigger shock was when the insurance co. raised my premium from $150/month to $300/month because I was obese. In hind sight I am glad it happened because now I can move on and do something about it, like have the surgery. Good Luck!
   — Tara J.

July 1, 2003
I was in denial for a very long time. Even right before my surgery. I remember going to the first meeting for WLS and thinking "Wow!! Everyone is so huge." But not even realizing I was one of the bigger people in the room. At close to 400 pounds, I failed to see myself as someone who was so big. I avoided looking in the mirror, etc... Now that I've lost over 140 pounds in 10 months and weight close to 200 pounds, I can finally see how big I actually was, when I look at my pictures, particularly my wedding pictures, since my wedding was less than a month before my surgery and I was at my heaviest. Other things make me realize how big I acutally was......like not fitting into an airplane seat on my honeymoon, barely fitting in the aisle of the airplane, not fitting into life jackets on our cruise, not fitting into the desks at school, not fitting into chairs on our cruise, etc...My life is so much easier now being plain overweight and on my way to normal. I no longer have to worry about ANY of these things, in fact, I often have tons of room to spare in seats, desks, etc...now, it's a WONDERFUL feeling.
   — Ladybug M.

July 1, 2003
OOOH, I can so relate to this! Just a couple weeks ago I had my husband take some "before" pictures of me, I dressed up in a couple of my nicest, cutest outfits, did my hair, makeup, thought I was a knock-out! Then he e-mailed them to me after he downloaded them from work, and I wanted to cry. I look as wide as I am tall! I never see myself like that in a mirror, but I sure do in pictures! I was devastated when I saw my pictures from my brother's wedding. I had on a pretty burgundy velvet dress and thought I looked great. THEN we got the pictures back... well, you all know how it goes. I still do my hair everyday and sometimes wear makeup (not often because in the summer I sweat like crazy) and it seems like people treat me a little nicer when I'm "done up". Plus, it makes me feel a little better about myself, too. And about the roller coaster: I went to the state fair with my daughter a couple years ago and saw a ride that looked fun and the seats looked big enough...Well, the bar wouldn't lock across me. We absolutely could NOT get it locked. I had to get off the ride in front of all those people...That was probably my most embarrassing moment of my life. My face is turning red just thinking about it! My surgery is scheduled for August 19th of this year, and next year, by Golly, I'm gonna get on every ride I come across!
   — Moysa B.

July 1, 2003
I'm a relaitve light weight, and started at 291. I'm currently 9 weeks out, and down 44 lbs. The realization that I was realy fat hit when we got the picutres from my brother's wedding back. I was looking at the picutres, and realized I'm half as wide as I am tall. I cried for almost a week, and that was when I decided to get serious about wls. I had been kinda looking into it for about a year, but that's when I decided to get aggressive about it. Before surgery, I would never do my hair. I just brushed it back into a ponytail or braid (it's almost down to my waiste), and would wear no makeup, and the baggiest biggest clothes I could find to cover up. Before I started gaining a lot of my weight, I would dress nice, do my hair and makeup, and feel good about myself. When I gained it, I felt disgusted with myself, and hated to look in the mirror. I too felt why not? I want it, and it can't do anymore damage than it already has. The mirror and camera are still not my best friends, but at 44 lbws down, we are at least on speaking terms. I do know that it not only effected my self esteem, but it also effected my preformance as well. MO people are discriminated against. We are thought to be lazy and lacking will power. Because of that, some people are more inclined to discriminate in the workplace because of that. Now, I do know there are lazy MO people as well as lazy thin people, but just because I'm MO doens't mean that I am, (I'm just slightly motivationaly impared LOL!!). Unfortunatly that is the preception. My grandfather one time told me it's not what's on the outside that matters, but what's on the inside. That's true, but unfortunalty people have a tendency to judge on the outside of the package first. It took a lot of therapy and support from friends and family to begin likeing myself again. Good luck in your journey, and if you feel like you want to talk, please email me @ [email protected]. Good luck and God bless!!
   — mellyhudel

July 1, 2003
I was in denial for a long time about my weight! Ive always been overweight, but I think it finally sunk in that I was obese when we went to restaurants and I couldnt even fit into the booths anymore. Clothes at Lane Bryant were becoming way too small for me, I could barely buckle my seat belt in the car, Id get out of breath and my back would kill me after just walking a few steps in the store, feeling like Im 93 years old instead of 33, oh boy I could go on and on. I felt a lot like you did about fixing my hair, putting on makeup, sometimes I didnt even want to take the time to get into the shower! I figured what for? Since I had my surgery 5 1/2 months ago, I feel so much better already! I can fit into rides at the amusement park, fit into the booths now at restaurants, do a lot more things with my kids, I have more energy and my back doesnt hurt anymore! I do not regret having this surgery for one minute. You will feel so much better after its all done, I guarantee it! Good Luck to You! P.S. I see youre from Stanton, KY. Im from Michigan but my stepdaughter is a fellow Stantonite! Just thought Id mention it:) Good Luck!
   — Kris T.

July 1, 2003
I guess that's why I never liked to get my picture taken! Back in January I was already planning for WLS, then my son went off to war. I was contact by a couple of local news stations that wanted to follow my story throughout the war. I planned to record all of the interviews so that when my son comes home he could see them. Anyway, my God I was mortified when I watched myself on tv for the first time! I was huge with about three chins! I could not believe I let myself get the far out of control. It's a good thing I knew my surgery was coming up or I would have cried myself sick! Now I can look back at those tapes and see how much better I look today - and I'm only half way to goal :) Barb
   — Barbara C.

July 1, 2003
I too had this experience of realizing how obese I am. Once I didn't have denial working for me anymore I could hardly stand to live through each day. Before this realization I had decided surgery wasn't for me because of this little reason and that little reason. Once denial was gone I couldn't wait to get through all the paperwork for approval. And if you have ANY denial left, answering all the questions about how often you've tried to lose weight and how many co-morbidities you have will take care of the rest of it! I read lots of profiles and people get so IMPATIENT waiting for surgery after going through years of morbid obesity. I think it's because without denial it is so painful to get through each day and you can hardly wait for it to be improving. I'm post-op three weeks and I already see improvements so I'm psyched for experienceing the rest of the changes. Laura
   — Laura K.

July 2, 2003

   — mlovesh

July 2, 2003
I never realized how common it was for us MO's to be in denial about our size. I'm always amazed when I read these questions and answers, because I see something of myself in each of them. I've always been a "girly-girl", dressing as well as I could, wearing makeup, fixing hair, the "you'd be so beautiful if you lost weight" girl. I could always deny my true size when I looked in the mirror. But the reality would hit (for a while) when I'd see myself in pictures alongside other people. It's "SO UNDENIABLE" then. But, still we tend to forget about these episodes, and avoid the pain by not being in as many pictures, or going as many places as we might like, or not fixing ourselves up as much as we should, or wearing the baggiest clothes we can find. Thank God for my upcoming WLS. I don't want to do these things for the rest of my life. I need to experience my life as a normal weight person - I know it's not going to be an easy road, but it's what I must do now. I understand totally that you're having a hard time dealing with your body now. Lately, every day is a struggle for me, while I'm waiting for my surgery (Sept.11). If WLS doesn't "save my life" I guess I'll just have to become a hermit, because I don't know how I can ever feel good about this body again at this size. Good luck, and thank you for the thought-provoking question.
   — Carlita

July 2, 2003
For me, it was when my size 22s were starting to get tight and I realized that there was only 1 larger size available at Dress Barn Woman and Lane Bryant, and after that I would be relegated to catalog shopping only. Pictures were also a wake up call. I avoided the camera like the plague but when faced with a family event and a picture snapped before I could hide, I was always appalled at the results. That couldn't be me, that blob in the middle of the picture?? Then I noticed that the aisles in some stores were too small and everytime I turned around, I was knocking things off of the shelves, and when did the airplane seats, and movie theater seats shrink? And the final straw was the clerk in 7-11 commenting to me "I guess your baby is due soon". Needless to say, I was not pregnant.
   — Cindy R.

July 2, 2003
Actually, it's only recently that I have realized how big I actually was/am...I've lost almost 100 lbs, which puts me at 308 pounds...and when I read these questions and messages, and I read about people weighing 300 pounds and needing the surgery, and how awful they feel...I realize how big I really am...I am still OVER QUALIFIED for this surgery, and I've lost 100 pounds!! I don't let it get me down, I've personally never felt better.
   — thekatinthehat

July 2, 2003
for me it was right after I had my son, I was 315 @ nine months having only gained 15 pounds total, I was in the doctors office and saw my chart. me being a nurse I picked it up and easily read the doctors hand writing it said and I qoute " grossly morbily obese" I liked to died it stayed with me I know its a medical term but it sounded so cruel the denial continue for the next 7 years until 2001 winter @ 361 pounds when I needed a coat. I was in a hurry so I picked the biggest size in the store thinking it would be big and comfortable size 30/32 when I put it on a few days later I could not zip it up, the denial still contiuned I thought oh this must be a small cut or a miss size, I went to the store and tried on every coat in size 30/32 and NONE of them fit. I went home and started looking into surgery. I walked around the whole winter in a coat that I could not zip up talk about COLD. I still have that coat even put it on now and then to gage to how well I am doing and how this decision to have surgery is not only the best thing I ever did. it means I will never have to freeze in the winter again because I am too heavy to find a coat that fits jannie 5 months down 120 lbs
   — jannie B.

July 2, 2003
I "realized" I was morbidly obese in September of 2002. I was in Hawaii visiting my best friend. We stayed in a hotel in Waikiki for several days. The bathroom was practically all mirrored. I was shocked. At home I use only the small bathroom mirror. I weighed about 320 pounds. I'm 6 feet tall. (male) I had lap rny on December 23, 2002 and at a little over 6 months I'm at goal. Along these lines, I like to tell people that I came out of the closet as a gay man LONG before I came out of the closet as a fat man. Some people just don't understand what I mean. Temple in New Orleans
   — Smitty B.

July 2, 2003
I'm with Temple- it's a lot easier to come out as a lesbian than to admit to obesity--is that because gay is something we perceive we're "born with" while fat is perceived as failed self-discipline/laziness? Now that I'm post op I still vacillate between seeing myself as almost skinny and as a behemoth! -Lisa RNY 23-JAN-2003 246/176 -70#
   — gamboge

July 3, 2003
Boy, do I hear you or what? I always knew I was "overweight" but boy oh boy...did reality hit me in the face when my insurance didn't even hesitate to approve me! I thought for sure they'd come back and say, nah....you're not that bad....but now I've got to face the facts, that yes.....I really am fat!!!! But not for long, my surgery is July 24th! Good luck to you!
   — Sheryl Y.

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