Question:
My family is not supportive of my WLS decision
(I am going to apologize up front for the long post/question) My mother says she is supportive of my decision to have surgery. (She is also MO.) She told me that she is glad that I am finally doing something about my weight, and that means she could do something about hers. She told me that she feels like she sabotages her own dieting attempts so she won't be skinnier than me. I wasn't for sure how to feel about that. My dad just says things like "well, if you didn't eat so many sausage biscuits in the morning, you'd be fine" (I RARELY eat breakfast.) But, basically, they are supportive and are willing to pay for what my insurance doesn't. My Grandma, OTOH, told my sister that I didn't realize how big I was and that I was the largest person in the entire family. (I am 5'9", 310 lbs) Now, in my family (mom and dad's sides) are almost ALL overweight people. All of my aunts are LARGE women, and are putting down the surgery and saying things like "Well, I am a big-ol'-girl, and I am doing just fine." or "It's so dangerous, why would you want to do that to yourself. There is no long-term research on it" (One of my aunts just passed away in December, weighing about 500 pounds. She had SO many things wrong with her, all stemming from weight issues.) I guess what I am asking is...what should I do about this? I am debating on not telling them when I have the surgery and just saying that I have changed my lifestyle. Any advice is welcome! — BeckyT (posted on June 23, 2003)
June 23, 2003
Hi, I just wanted to encourage you to tune out your aunts, if possible. I
wouldn't talk much about it. After surgery, when the weight starts melting
off of you, you can just bask in the glow of their faces, which will be
green with envy! Just because they are comfortable being big doesn't mean
you are, or that you're any less of a person for wanting to change and
become healthy. It sounds like they are only thinking of the cosmetic
aspect and not the improvement in your health... Unfortunately, that's all
too common. I wouldn't lie to them, but that's totally up to you. If you
have to deal with them alot and they won't give it a rest, you may want to
say something just to get them to keep quiet. It's ultimately your
decision to make, and at least you've got your parents' support, plus the
support of all of us on this site!! Good luck, and God Bless!
— Moysa B.
June 23, 2003
Hi! I, too, had some negative feedback -- not really from family members
(I have a small immediate family) but from some people at work. Some
people actually told me a few days before I was scheduled to have surgery
not to have it and that I was fine the way God made me and to leave it in
His hands. I went ahead with the surgery and I am happy for my decision.
I think that if this is something you really and truly want to do, then it
shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks. Not even your husband. This is
your decision and no one else can make it for you. I am sure that when you
have the surgery and loose to your goal weight, your family members will
want to do something abou their weight as well whether it be surgery or
diet or whatever. Just keep in mind that this surgery will work for you
and it will and it doesn't matter what anyone esle thinks. Good luck to
you on your journey!
Daphine Cox (Open RNY Jan. 13, 2003 - down 65 pounds, size 24/26 to 14, XL)
— Daphine C.
June 23, 2003
The last post was great btw, I just wanted to add my experiences with nay
sayers... I had ALOT of women who were very discouraging and unsupportive
before I had my surgery, saying the same things your aunts were, why would
I do that to myself etc.....and even now the green eyed people say
"well I knew of so an so who had that done and lost weight an looked
real good for awhile then gained it all back" Unfortunately these
people will always exist no matter what, its kinda like discrimination when
were so big, now I have some of that( I must say again, all from Women) for
being small. The bottom line is you can't please em all, and me for one am
not trying to! I can tell you this, those same women now look at me a size
9 and want to know who my surgeon was because they are considering having
it done... LOL I have a new life and am so happy this was the best thing I
have ever done for ME! I'm feeling great and am smaller than I can ever
remember, Me a size 9??????? I don't think I ever was a size 9 even when I
was 9 years old!!!!!! anyways, do it for you and don't worry about what
them nay sayers say, you have all of us supporting you, good luck to you!!
— Lori M.
June 23, 2003
I think you should forget what your family has to say. Weight loss surgery
is a PERSONAL issue. Every single person in my life is against me having
surgery except for the few friends I have made on this website. I think
you should remember that your one poor Aunt died from being overweight and
continue with your plans not to die the same way. God Bless you and Good
LUCK!
— Eleanore Davis
June 23, 2003
Unfortunatly, the issues of weight is loaded with all kinds of
psychological and emotional baggage. I've found that many people will
react in unusual ways. Your grandmother is keeping tabs on how big people
are and seems to be attaching some kind of status to "what kind of
people" that makes them. You say you've got aunts that are happy with
being overweight and think surgery is a bizare decision. Still many other
people will think you are just looking for a quick fix i.e. your father
saying all you really need to do is eat less sausage. I had a comment for
a co-worker...that somebody else at work recently lost some weight with
diet and exersise and I had surgery. He said, "that she did it with
hard work". I guess that meant I didn't and was some kind of lazy
slob. People are always looking to make some kind of value judgement and
for many many years the value judgement of people with weight problems has
been very negitive. I guess I would say that forget about all this status
posturing that will happen anyway. Keep focused on the facts. WLS is
effective. WLS is an extremely valuable tool for your future. Diet and
exercise alone is proven not as effective for MO people. Diet and exercise
alone is less likely to be a long term solution for MO people. WLS
combined with some exercise and nutritional adjustments is almost
guarenteed to make you healthy and happy. Healthy and happy, in the
long term I'm sure your family wants that for you. In the short term, they
are having problems with a procedure that they don't understand. I say
tell them, you are having the procedure and let them worry about what it
means to them. You already know what it mean to YOU. :) Good luck to
you.
— Scott L.
June 23, 2003
Do what is right for YOU and YOUR body! I am my father's favorite child,
and he was so scared for me. He didn't think I would make it through the
surgery. He told me, "I should just lock you up in the celler, and
feed you only what I can fit under the door." It was a mean thing to
say, yes, but his fear was that great. It really hurt my feelings at the
time, but in retrospect, I can understand him better. At least he vented
his fear instead of holding it in. The rest of your family needs to butt
out. Just don't tell them any more than absolutely necessary. If they love
you, they will support you. If they don't support you, you don't need the
negativity, so just don't tell them any more. Saying that you have changed
your lifestyle is only thing they need to know. People get jealous and
don't want to see others do better. Email me if you want to talk about this
more... it sounds like your family and mine could be closely related! :~)
Hugs!
— Sharon M. B.
June 23, 2003
Only you can decide what's best for you. If that means it's surgery, then
you should do it and not worry about what others think. My mom was VERY
against the surgery. However, I realized that was her fear of me dying
that made her so against the surgery. Now that she has seen how well it
works, she hasn't said anymore negative things about it. You will always
find people who are against the surgery. But you have to do what's best
for you. If that means not telling them, then don't. You don't need the
negativity surrounding you.
— Patty H.
June 23, 2003
Rebecca,
You did the right thing, seeking support from this website. Look at all of
these responses!
The first thing I sense is that your family has learned to live and deal
with the heaviness all of you have inherited. That is acceptable when
everything youv'e tried has failed. No one wants to live a life of
depression and feeling helpless. However, we are fortunate enough to live
in a time that offers this amazing procedure. Not to mention that you are
an American and your insurance is paying for the surgery. How can you not
take this opportunity? Your family may be feeling scared because it would
force them to look at themselves, see how you are melting away, and then
admit that there IS something that they can do, and NOT do it. It's okay
that folks are scared. However, they should be more educated about the
surgery and it's mortality rate. It's not as high as people think. And as
a matter of fact, you can tell them that this surgery was firt done in the
40's, so there is long term research surrounding it. I would just be
honest with them, if they say negative things, tell them that this is Your
decision, and that you are not negative with them about their decision to
live with the high mortality rate of staying obese. There is plenty of
research leading to THAT! So, how could this surgery make you worse? It
WON'T! It can ONLY improve you life. When you simplify things from this
perspective, it is pretty much a no-brainer decision. Don't be ashamed of
your decision. Share it with them, they may follow you after.
Good Luck, and God Speed!
— Michele B.
June 23, 2003
Most of my family is overweight as well. The women have all lost their
excess weight and then gained plus some. It's a lot of yo-yoing. When I
decided to have the surgery, I was surprised that no one gave me a problem.
I think there is a reason for this. I am the oldest and moved away to LA
when I was 21. I am the trailblazer, if you will. I know that if I have
no complications, my cousin and mom will probably follow suit with the
surgery. Everyone in your family is probably concerned for your general
safety. For those who say, "I'm a big girl and I'm fine," well,
how fine? Are they healthy and happy? Good for them. Tell the you want
to be too! I have a feeling a year from now that your family will be
thrilled about your decision. Sometimes it takes a while for people to
come around.
— mrsmyranow
June 23, 2003
Education is the key. Let them read some profiles from this site. They
need to hear and see the positive things that come from this type of
surgery. If they still don't understand your decision it becomes their
problem. You did your best to help them understand. The decision to have
this surgery is difficult to start with and a personal one at that. You
need to do what's best for you first and foremost. Sometimes fear of the
unknown comes across as ignorance and jealousy. You say that they all are
heavy and so they may be envious that you will be thin and healthy.
Remember, do what's best for you!
— adeas
June 23, 2003
This is a bit of a touchy subject at times. I, myself, made the surgery
decion for me, and no one else. I really don't care if someone is
supportive or not about my decision. So far though everyone has been. I
cannot allow myself to let other peoples ignorance of a subject sway my way
of thinking. Most people don't know more about this surgery than they
shrink your stomach and you cannot eat as much. Think back to all the stuff
you have elarned since you started researching this surgery, your family is
just as uninformed as you were, maybe more. If their opinion is necessary
for you though, I would suggest that you inform them as to all the ins and
outs of the surgery, and how life changing it will be for you. If they
still do not support you, then I would distance myself from the negative
energy until after the surgery, so it doesn't give you a load of greif! You
know how family can be sometimes. But, bottom line, you do this surgery for
yourself, and no one else. It is your life, and you are taking control
back. Good Luck!! Open RNY 11-11-02 Down 149lbs
— dkinson
June 23, 2003
Hi Rebecca! Fortunately, my family has been nothing but supportive of my
decision about getting the surgery. I heard a lot of things from some of
my friends that were less than supportive, however. Things like "Well,
if you try this diet..." or " Maybe if you ate this..." and
other such things. If a diet was going to work, wouldn't it have the whole
15 times I tried them? So my advice is this. Do what is best for you. It is
your body, and this is your life. And ultimately, it is your decision. I am
sure that, once the weight is melting off of you,and you are feeling like a
million dollars, they will realize that this is the best for you. Anyone
who loves you like family should should back you up. So keep your chin up,
and great luck! *hug*
— Lisa S.
June 23, 2003
I cannot thank my family for being more supportive than I ever expected
anyone to be. I have a huge support system in all my family and friends and
especially my spouse. Yesterday we celebrated not only my mother's 65th
birthday but also my one year anniversary post-op. I am down 143lbs. and
they all took a big piece of bristol board and wrote congratulatory
messages to me on it. It was wonderful, the theme for the party for me was
skinny minnie and they gave me gifts and cards with minnie mouse on them.
It was so wonderful and touching it would make anyone feel all the hard
work was well worth it. In the beginning of my journey they were all
concerned for my wellfare but they all stood behind my decision to have the
surgery as they know how I struggled my whole life. I was the only big
person in my whole family and that is a hard place to be. When they see
pictures of me before I started and what I look like now they all say the
same thing, we never saw you as that size but we cannot get over how thin
you are now. It is a great place to be. I say do what is right for you if
you know you can handle all of the challenges the surgery brings it will
reap many rewards and the biggest of all is the gift of life!!!
— UMMADUMMASS
June 23, 2003
Hi, Rebecca, I think you are lucky in that the people closest to you are
supportive, sometimes that is not the case... I have found my wife and kids
growing more supportive as my date approaches (it is 7/11/03), and getting
more curious about the operation and aftercare (which is a good thing,
since I will need some bigtime help early on!) As I get more confident
going in I think their fears are diminishing a bit, too.
Those people a little farther away that are heavy are often threatened by
another's operation in several ways: they feel they are being pushed
towards it themselves, or feel the spotlight on them because a family
member has "owned up" to his or her condition and decided to do
something about it... I finally had to say to one person: "I am not
going to let you discourage me, I want this to happen!"
I hope for your aunts that they can see your success as a motivation to get
themselves help in some form! Ultimately we all need to be at peace with
our decision, but having family and friends in back of you can bring extra
strength! May you have a smooth and successful journey to the other side!
— Tim W.
June 23, 2003
We should not have to defend our right to have this surgery ! I posted a
similar question the other day. This is the best advice I received: tell
your unsupportive friends and family members that you will not discuss your
weight or your surgery with them anymore or you will leave, ask them to
leave, or hang up if you are communicating by phone. I can't even tell my
mom about the surgery. She has already expressed her fear and her lack of
faith in the procedure and I just don't want to hear it. Meanwhile, I have
five months to wait before surgery and I am going to have to hold firm to
my decision not to discuss such issues with her or surely she will try to
sabotage me afterwards. God help us all! I guess this is why so many of us
have eating disorders--controlling families!
— beckyvee
June 27, 2003
I can seriously relate to this question. I am pre-op, pre-approval and
pre-disowned by my son. I have others that are close to me that are not in
favor of my choice for surgery or my already made up mind. They don't have
to carry the weight nor suffer the co-morbs. That is my burden. Also, as
for my son, he is only 12 and has 12 year old fears about his mom having
surgery. I either meet resistence or silence regarding my decision. Zero
support or attaboys. HOWEVER! I AM EXCITED and I refuse to hide my
happiness in the face of adversity. I DO respect my son though and chose
not to elaborate on progress towards approval because I don't want to worry
him anymore then he already is.I have educated myself on this issue until
my brain was saturated with knowledge. I have shared the basics with my
loved ones so there are NO preconceived notions only the facts. I would do
anything for those that I love. Bending over backwards and taking bullets
included, so I just strike this up as doing something GREAT for someone
that I love.. that person being ME!
— Bonnie K.
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