Question:
Question on dating & Intimacy

I'm about eight months out and I've lost 130 pounds. I look good in clothes, but undressed I am a wreck. The problem is I'm not married and I wasn't in a long term relationship prior to surgery. Now I have been seeing a guy for a while and it seems time to advance to the next step of intimacy and I find I can't do it because of the way I look undressed. I think I could handle it if it was just the sagging skin, but my breasts are in terrible shape! Not just sag, but I am down to an A cup and they just look deflated balloons. I know a boob job is in my future, but what until them? I haven't told him about the WLS. I've just said I've lost a lot of weight recently. I'm now looking for excuses to break it off, because of this and just not get involved with anyone else until the boob job. Please help! Any advice? Anyone else going through this?    — Gay S. (posted on November 11, 2002)

November 11, 2002
First of all, this is a very positive response to this post and don't want it to sound like I'm getting down on you....I'm just trying to put it into perspective. In my opinion, if you are ready for this type of intimacy, then you sure as heck should be ready to tell him about your WLS! I mean....regardless of the fact that you don't like aspects of your naked body (like the lack of boobs), he'll certainly know something's up when he sees and/or feels your scar, won't he? I wouldn't think that it would be a positive thing for a relationship to lie and tell him you had your gallbladder out or something, would it? And besides, if you are looking for an excuse to break it off anyway because you are unsure/frightened, then go ahead and tell him....if he breaks it off, it's his loss and you were ready to do it anyway. But I think that because we've been obese we don't have a lot of self-confidence....so it is very hard to change and take chances, isn't it? And I know just how you feel.....even though I have some sagging and bagging and overall love my new body...I'm still self-conscious. I'm married and with clothing ON, I feel very sexy....but taking them off is another thing entirely! My husband is a *boob man* and I'm like you....I can't even fill up an *A* cup anymore...and get me lying flat on my back and we're talking slid-apart pancakes! I'm 2 years and 3 months post-op and down 140 lbs. A brachioplasty and breast implants will come within the next 2 months!
   — Lynette B.

November 11, 2002
Gay, I can relate to what you are saying. I started dating my current live-in boyfriend after having been 1.5 years post op. I had(have) saggy skin on my abdomen, breasts, buttocks, and thighs. When I started dating Dave, I was afraid to tell him about my surgery, but did not want to lie. If I had kept my surgery from him, it would have been like a lie. I knew that if he did not accept me for being who I was, then he was not the one for me. I was afraid to take a risk in showing him my body, and when it was time to have sex I was petrified. Dave was so wonderful. He was not disgusted by my body. When I told him that I had wanted to have an abdomnioplasty, he told me that he did not want me to have it done, that he loves me just as I am, but if I was absolutely adoment about having the surgery he would be supportive. He has been terrific. If you trust your boyfriend, then you should think about telling him about your surgery. Then, perhaps you may want to think about talking to him about how you feel about showing him your body, perhaps describing why. If he is a keeper, he will be understanding, and he won't care! We all feel the same as you. Consider that each of us has been heavy for a certain amount of time, being unhappy with how we each have looked plump. Why would that be any different just because we have lost all of the weight? Don't break off the relationship without giving this guy a chance. It seems unfair for you to decide that you can't trust this guy, when you have not given him a chance by telling him everything......
   — twenc

November 11, 2002
I have always been the kind of person who just blurts out anything and I tell everyone about my surgery. So when I meet a possible date or start dating someone I tell them "I have lost 170 pounds in the last year and I want to warn you, I look ok clothed but underneath I am a shar-pei" This has run one guy off. And since it ran him off, I knew he was an asshole. See, it's like you instantly know if they are a good person or not. :)
   — Nichole B.

November 11, 2002
Nichole, I like your attitude!! I am the same way. I know this may sound terribly immodest, but I have found out that I have incredible sex appeal - clothed, of course. That makes it even harder. To be with a man, who thinks you are the most insanely sexy thing he's ever seen. In my mind, nothing can kill that faster than a peek at my naked body. So, if it comes to being intimate (not even sex, maybe even just some heavy petting, so to speak) I do say "Look, you know I've lost a lot of weight and that'll do certain things to a womans body". Period. If they don't like it, well then that's their problem...they have no clue what they're missing out on.
   — PaulaM

November 11, 2002
Hi, Gay--I'm a PREOP, so I can't speak from experience. But I'm starting to think about this issue as it will relate to me when the time comes. You know, Carrie and Charlotte on "Sex and the City" always wear a bra when they're, ahem, engaged. So I plan on investing in pretty undies. Also, before, when I've been thin (well, SORTA thin, for ME), I've always used candles. It gives light, but they flicker, so they can be a little forgiving and camouflage just a bit. You may also want to investigate some lingerie companies. Some of them make pretty negligees and teddies with underwires and spandex in the bodice to give you a little support, yet still be sexy. That's some practical advice. Now I'd like to say that Toni's response below was EXCELLENT. Don't totally blow the guy off yet. Give yourselves a little more time; don't rush into anything. If he's meant to be with you, when the time comes, he WILL NOT run off because of a little sagging. If he DOES, then you're better off without him!
   — Joyce C.

November 11, 2002
No one had the response I was looking for which was lie and run like hell! Thanks, I know you all are right and I should be honest. I will tell him the truth about the WLS and tell him about the skin & sagging, but I'm not going to tell him how awful I feel I look! If we do get intimate, I really like the idea about the sexy lingerie! Thanks so much!!!!
   — Gay S.

November 13, 2002
Be honest? What were you doing befor you lost the weight??? I am intimate with a man who I have know for five years. I was an 18 when i met him and now I am 30\32, and i couldnt be more ashamed, but you know what? he cares for me obviously so i dont let that get in my way and neither should you. If he is mature and really cares for you it shouldn't matter and if he does act like a jerk than you deserve better anyway. good luck and have fun! ;)
   — davesband1

November 13, 2002
Come on, MEN, where are YOUR answers here??? I just laughed my butt off at the exchange of "men's issues" posted earlier (specifically how Merri got us all up to speed, accidentally), yet you're silent on this one? Go ahead and say it... Tell the ladies that you guys are so happy to get a woman in bed you are not looking for or at scars, shar-pei similarities or judging her appearance. All of this is just incidental when it comes right down to it and that we overanalyze everything. Am I right?
   — Karen F.