Question:
Please help me... I am 11 days pre-op and I am feeling depressed and hating myself
Please help... I'm 11 days pre-op and feel like I am going into a downhill spiral. I am bipolar with OCD and anxiety disorder also. Once I finished all of my pre-op preparation and realized that my surgery is just around the corner, I saw myself in the mirror... I think for the first time. I actually saw my morbidly obese self, and I hate what I saw. I've been under control mentally for a very long time, and all of the sudden I hate myself, am depressed, and do NOT want to leave my home until the day of the surgery. I find myself embarassed to be in public because I look like a disgusting blob. I HATE MYSELF!!! Wow... it has been years since I've hated myself this much. The anxiety, depression, ocd... etc.. is really getting the best of me. PLEASE HELP!!! ANY SUGGESTIONS OR COMMENTS WELCOME! Thanx — [Anonymous] (posted on November 5, 2001)
November 5, 2001
Do NOT hate yourself!!!! You deserve better. Take it from somebody who
also suffers from depression. I've been there myself. You may be
overweight, but you aren't worthless, meaningless, ugly, expendable, etc.
etc. etc. I've thought them all numerous times. And most of them were
somehow connected to my weight. And that is so very stupid of us. Why do
we do that? We may be heavy, but we MEAN something to people in our lives.
I'm sure you do too. You mean something to those of us here. We're all
in this together.
And just remember - in a few months, you'll look in that mirror and see a
much slimmer person. Won't make you more valuable - but maybe you'll care
for yourself more.
Tomorrow go out and buy yourself some flowers. Get a pedicure or massage.
Go window shopping for all the clothes you will be able to buy later. Do
something for yourself - but get out of the house. Remember - you deserve
it!!!
— Kathy B.
November 5, 2001
Did you have to do a psychological evaluation? I know a lot of people
think the psych eval is a load, but it does serve a purpose. Losing weight
is not going to get rid of most mental disorders a person has (I lost a
bunch of weight once and was thin for a while, trust me). When I hear
someone that seems like they are raving, I wonder if this surgery is a good
idea for them. I think people need to be on more of an even keel to make
such a big decision. My dad was bipolar, and I've suffered from Major
Depressive Disorder and been medicated in the past. I have been fine the
for the past few years, but I don't think that it would have been a good
idea to have surgery in the state I was in (I am pre-op too, btw). My dad
was only sane when he was on meds. He did a lot of impulsive things that
were bad for him when he was manic and a lot of self-destructive things
when he was depressed. I hope you find some peace, but surgery will not do
it all. Don't ignore your other problems... a lot of us push all of our
troubles off on "it's because we're fat" but that just isn't the
case many times. Please don't take any offense. I know for those of us
who have dealt with clinical mental disorders that sometimes that little
extra bit of stress can bring out all of our disfunctions, so maybe all of
this is just an overload of pre-op anxiety. Nonetheless, don't neglect the
other problems you know you have as you are recovering. Take care of
yourself, body and mind, and good luck with your surgery!
— [Anonymous]
November 5, 2001
How about some professional help? Do you still have access to the
therapist who helped you before? I don't think this is a good time to try
to cope with this alone. Most places can give you access to emergency
help; maybe this is the time to reach out for that --? There are times
when we can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, and then there are times
when we need help from someone else. My best wishes to you, and please
let me know how you work things out. -- Nina in Maine
— [Deactivated Member]
November 5, 2001
Maybe I should have said this in my initial post. I am in therapy and on
meds. I've been fine for years... it's just the surgery that is freaking me
out.
— [Anonymous]
November 5, 2001
Go back to the mirror and look yourself in to the eye, and tell yourself
you love you.May sound silly to some that have not gone thru it, but, how
many of us have actually done it and mean it? maybe it cannot be done
overnight. We dont lern destuctive behavior overnight either. You dont
hesitate to tell someone else that I bet. Why exclude yourself. If your in
therapy, start applying your affermations. They work, we just have to make
them work. It is ok to feel a lil apprehensine(sp). Maybe just visit with a
counciler a lil more often during this stage. You can do it. It's easy to
slip into old wys of thinking, you jsut gotta "hit the books
again"!
— [Anonymous]
November 5, 2001
Would you hate yourSELF if you had diabetes? No, why not? Because it
doesn't SHOW on the outside. Would you hate yourself if you had really bad
eczema? Probably a little more, because you can SEE the symptoms, even
though you cannot see the disease. But you would still take the treatment
available, right? Same with morbid obesity. It is a disease, a mechanical
disease. That's why we use a mechanical fix to treat it (not cure). And of
course, because the treatment is only that, we must participate in that
with some behavior change, too. WE are not heavy because we are stupid or
weak willed or mentally ill. Now, of course, we might ALSO be those things,
but that is not the reason for morbid obesity. So, you can hate your
clothes or hate your hair cut. But do not hate your body because it is the
innocent victim of a deadly, fatal disease that REALLY makes us suffer.
You've tried the "other" treatments, which compared to WLS seem
like leeches and bark. Surgey is not magic. It is a mechanical aid, then
the post-op plan you follow is part of it, plus your change in how you view
your disease. It all works together for your healthier future. Hard to
believe you HAVE a healthier future, I betcha. Me, too. I'd love to hear
from you in a year and see where you are!
— vitalady
November 5, 2001
While I agree with the people saying not to hate yourself, and also agree
with them about making an appointment and talking this out, I have to say
that I experienced a little of this pre op also. I have depression,
treated for years with Prozac, but once I had a date, and it was more than
2 months in the future, I found myself SICK OF BEING FAT. I was surprised,
as I'd held all those feelings in check for such a long time. I did start
seeing my therapist again, and it's helped. But I found myself more aware
of the things I couldn't do, and the constant aches and pains, and, yes,
the emotional hurt of the whole morbidly obese life. I think maybe it was
my brain trying to come up with firm reasons to go through with this
surgery, making me very sure I wanted it, as the time drew nearer and by
the day before, I was peaceful, calm and ready. I see my therapist
regularly, still, at 5 weeks out...weekly and it helps a lot. This surgery
is not a magic bullet and won't fix everything, so I continue to seek
treatment for the other stuff. Best wishes. Yvonne
— Yvonne R.
November 5, 2001
So, stay at home...resolve not to come out until you are your ideal weight.
Grant yourself permission to do that. For me, being overweight was a
source of great shame. I was unlovable, disgusting to look at, a failure,
etc. Clearly, I violated my own standards of acceptability and integrity.
It is difficult to shrug our shoulders, accept our humanity, resolve to
reject the artificially imposed societal standards for beauty, until we are
strong enough mentally and emotionally to be able to do so. So, while you
weather the clouds of self-hatred passing over, feel free to take to your
bed, hide under the covers, preferable with something comforting to eat and
know that there are thousands of people across the US who feel EXACTLY like
you do and are in their beds, under their covers, refusing to come out
until they meet their own standards too. I am with you...
— merri B.
November 5, 2001
The way you describe yourself concerns me.
Have you talked to a professional about this? Being on medication i assume
you have. Sometimes it helps to write down where your at and see what the
pattern is. I cant ever remember hating myself, but i sure was greatly
dissapointed in my appearance. I hate being fat, i hate not being able to
do things, but when you hate YOURSELF sometimes the pain is inside not
outside. Bless your heart.
I hope things go well for you later.
— Jackiis
November 5, 2001
Hi. I am the original poster. I appreciate all the postings here. I
don't feel quite so alone anymore. I think that some of this has to do
with PMS/Period. Sometimes I'm not affected by it at all, and then there
are other times when I turn into an emotional wreck. I did call my shrink,
and he is very supportive. He told me that with all that has been going on
with me in the last few months.. I was supposed to have a job interview at
the Pentagon on September 11th, I had an interview in College Park,
Maryland the day it got hit by a tornado, having trouble finding work,
nightmares, the surgery, etc... he said he isn't surprised at all that I am
starting to crumble under the pressure. He doesn't want to give me any
kinds of strong meds this close to surgery, but he did make me feel a
little better. I called my angel and cried on her shoulder... GOODNESS I
HOPE THIS IS GONNA END SOON!
— [Anonymous]
November 6, 2001
Hi...I went through (and am still going through to a certain extent) a sort
of strange period of time as well. As soon as I decided that I was going
to speak to my PCP about having the surgery, suddenly I REALLY saw myself
when I looked in the mirror. It was as if up to that point I hadn't even
really been looking in the mirror at all. I know I NEVER allowed myself to
look at my reflection in a store window and also have not let anyone take
my picture for the past 3 years or so. My sister took a quick picture of
me two summers ago and then sent it to me and I just about fainted when I
saw it. I tore it up into a million pieces. Anyway, I sort of went
"into hiding" once I actually saw myself at the weight I'm at.
It was as if before I was in denial about how large I had gotten. So I
totally understand where you're coming from. My surgery will be in Jan. or
Feb. of 2002 but right now I'm still sort of in a "hiding out"
mode. It would be wonderful if I could just accept myself as I am and know
that I'm doing something to help myself by having surgery soon. But I still
can't seem to get past the fact that I'm now truly this big. I'm
embarrassed to be in public...some days it's torture and I don't go out at
all (PMS!) I have a very good therapist helping me with all this. Hang in
there...you're not alone. Hugs, Joy
— [Deactivated Member]
November 6, 2001
I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. I felt the same way
before surgery and for a couple of weeks after surgery. I wouldn't even go
to one of my best friends wedding because I was truly disgusted with
myself. I felt so alone in my struggle. I kept beating myself up for
allowing my body to get to the point I was at. I don't know about you, but
denial is a blissful world to live in. I just didn't see myself as MO
before my surgery procedures began. When I weighed in at 370 pounds, I
knew then that I had reached a desperate state. You've got to pick
yourself up because you're going to need all your strength for surgery. Be
proud of yourself for realizing you have a problem and for taking the
necessary steps for improvement.
— Tammy W.
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