Question:
Husband issues

Since I told my husband I'm having surgery he has taken liberty to begin calling me fat and uses it often..It's like he has opened all the flood gates about how he feels about me. He told me a few years ago, I was an embaressment to him. I try to keep my cool, I have a 12 year old daughter and we have been married 20 years. He also has been very good husband, but his mouth and his words are getting to me. I have left my husband 10 years ago because of this. I came back soon after than and we have had a decent marriage since then. He is supportive of the surgery, mainly because I won't embaress him. I don't care about embaressment I care about my health and my daughter. Thanks for listening.    — Karen Renee (posted on May 16, 2001)

May 16, 2001
Hi, I am sorry your Husband said you were an embarresment to him. That is just down right cold and nasty. You need to take a stand for yourself and tell him where to get off. I am sure you Love this Man or you wouldnt have been married for 20 years. But when we are Married or in a solid relationship it is for better or worse. No matter how thin or heavy we shall be. I used to ask Sam (which is now my husband we were Married last Sunday May 6, after 11 years of living together) if I was an embarresment to him when we would go out to dinner or to a movie, His response was always NO. That he loved me for who I am not the size I am. He always made me feel special and that I was thin even when I weight 349 lbs. Again let him know this is unacceptable behavior and you are not going thru this surgery for him and for it not to be an embarresment to him its for your health and how you feel about you. God bless you, DREAMS DO COME TRUE FOR THOSE WHO BELEIVES Jay
   — jay B.

May 16, 2001
Karen just wait untill you are thin and then let him eat crow! Trust me when I say this.... When he sees the weight melt off of you he will be so, so , so sorry that he said those things to you.... You will do what is right for you when the weight comes off...Good luck..
   — Heather C.

May 16, 2001
Karen, I am sorry your husband says these things to you. I think this behavior is unacceptable and degrading. Does he realize he is joining the pool of ignorant and hurtful people out there in the world? It is hard enough being obese without your own supposed support system going down the tubes. Does your hubby have a weight problem? I find that a lot of people who never have, have no idea of what it is to live just 1 day in the body of an obese person. This is no excuse, however. I hope you can communicate your feelings with him, and tell him how much this hurts you. Just remember, you are wonderful no matter how big or small you are! Even after you lose your weight you will still be the same on the inside! (with a little more energy!)LOL. I wish you much luck, and I hope your hubby will understand where you are coming from.
   — Kim B.

May 16, 2001
Karen, I am so sorry that you have to put up with this but you are not alone. About a year before I had the surgery, I could tell that my hubby was embarrassed as well as treating me differently both in bed and out of it. Although I DO think that alot of out problems came from my lack of self esteem, I also know that he didn't help it any. I divorced him that year. This was before surgery was even an option. I just knew that I only had one life to live (I was 40) and I didn't want to live like that forever. I am not saying divorce, I am saying take things into your own hands. Know that YOU are important, vital, sexy, intelligent and have alot to offer this world. Sounds easy for me to say now, but I wish that all obese people could see this even before surgery. Just listen to all these wonderful people on here. THEY ARE SUCH GREAT PEOPLE! I would love to know each and every one of them personally. What a great pack of friends I would have. You ARE important. I don't even know you but I know one thing. You would not be having this done if you didn't have some shred of a thought, that YOU alone were important. Here is what I would do. I would be the most loving, sexy, supportive wife there ever was right now. Be the best you can be. If he still rejects you basically, then rethink what you want in life. Rethink it now because I promise you, that after surgery, you will have such a good feeling about who you are, that you will think twice whether this man is worth hanging on to. Reason...because he will come back to you when you are thin. He will want you obsessively. He will be jealous. And you will wonder about why this is, only after you are thin. I promise you that you will have alot to think about both for you and for your daughter. Start opening your eyes now and decide what it is you want in life. Then after the surgery, do it again a few months later. I hope that you can stay with your husband and work things out but you must talk to him and let him know the hurt that you feel. I would also keep a diary now of how you feel. That might open his eyes a year from now as to how much hurt you were feeling. Good luck to you.
   — Barbara H.

May 16, 2001
Every time this type of issue comes up, I am reminded of what I consider to be a classic comeback for those types of "you're so (fill in the blank)" criticisms. My number one choice is to draw myself up, disdainfully lift one eyebrow and say, "Yes, a small thing like that is what keeps me from getting a better man. Unfortunately, I too have settled for what I can get." Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I have refused to feel bad about myself because of my medical condition of morbid obesity. That would be as ridiculous as someone bemoaning their self worth because they got Cystic Fibrosis, another genetically based disease that makes life miserable. I am part of the Fat Acceptance Movement (interesting oxymoron...) that says people are fine with whatever characteristics are endowed to them, and society needs to accomodate people of all sizes. And, if we can be healthier, more mobile and have a better quality of life with Weight Loss Surgery, so be it. But being fat was and is inconsequential, except to the extent it affected those issues. I never thought of myself as less deserving of a great life because of it. Neither should you. By the way, tomorrow I am one year post op, have lost 160 pounds and ride at least 50 miles per week on my bike now. I recently dumped the cold hearted lawyer boyfriend in favor of a kind and generous hearted guy who works in a factory and has the most tender kisses. Ain't life grand?
   — merri B.

May 20, 2001
First, tell him to stop. Tell him why. If he doesn't, tell him Phase II is now underway, and you plan to get even. Send a letter to his boss from a bogus lawyer that informs the boss that all the urinals in the building have to be raised by six inches to comply with federal law. Because of the Amer with Disabilities Act, your husband who has a clinically short dick, cannot successfully hit the target with his peter as the urinals are too low. Mail that sucker and see what happens. Then tell him you're serious, "Shut up about my weight, or I've only just begun." Tell them there are hundreds of creative, pissed, fat or formerly fat people on the net who would be happy to help you dream up new ways to torture him....
   — Nancy G.

May 20, 2001
Maybe he is getting his licks in now because he knows that when you are healthier and thinner you may not feel like you are trapped with him and have no other options. You need to tell him that it is unacceptable for him to talk this way to you, and if all else fails, I really liked the idea about sending the letter to his work.....
   — Christy R.