Question:
My husband is afraid that I'll leave him.
I told my husband about WLS in August of this year, and I don't think that he really believed me. In late Sept I said forget it because I read the memorial. Well early Oct I was looking again and mid Nov had a consult. He never thought that I'd get approved for the surgery and now that my surgery date is just 3 days away he's now saying that he won't be able to get used to the fast weightloss. I told him that because I'm on the lighter side I'll loose slower. Last night he told me that I was not going to be the same Heather. When I met him I weighed 145lbs back in 1993, an dnow 245. How has anyone delt with there husbands? Or husbands how did you feel about your wife going through with the surgery? thanks. I thought that I had a strong marriage, but I can't deal with being fat forever and I think that he wants me that way . I'm so confused... Heather — Heather C. (posted on December 31, 2000)
December 31, 2000
Heather, My surgery date is Jan 10,01 and me and husband situation sound
exactly like yours. I have no answer but just wanted to let you know that
you are not alone.
— Sharon C.
December 31, 2000
Hi Heather: I have been divorced for 14 months. I was 240 lbs. when I got
married, have been as low as 189 and as high as 278 during the 15 years I
was married to a man whose never had a weight problem. I had my surgery
after my divorce. I starved myself to 189 (60 lbs. in 2 months) while my
ex and I were seperated the first time. We got back together. His idea of
patching up the marriage was to wine and dine me. 5 years later, I had
gained nearly 90 lbs. Although I can't blame my weight on him, I do know
that he became very insecure about me leaving him. In fact, he always used
to ask me if I'd leave when I got skinny. He liked me fat, because it kept
me away from men, and kept my self-esteem down to the point that I made a
rather lovely doormat for him. He used to tell me - while we were married
- that "the best old-lady material was those who've been abused,
because you don't have to treat them too good and they'll do anything for
you". Had enough of that, so I dumped him! Even before I filed, he
went out got him a woman. And she's my size (well, maybe not anymore,
'cause I'm losing weight!) and has had a bad history with men - reminds him
of me, he has said more than once. When he found out that I was having the
surgery, he accused me of having it in an ill-fated attempt to get him
back...I laughed so hard! I told him that never even crossed my mind!
This was my experience and may not even apply to you. I certainly hope
not! You mentioned that you thought you had a strong marriage, and maybe
you do. Perhaps he loves you just the way you are and doesn't see any
reason for you to change. However, he should also respect the fact that
you are unhappy and you want to live a healthier life, and therefore should
be supporting your efforts. Good luck to you and remember, to thine
ownself be true!
— Allie B.
December 31, 2000
My husband has said the same thing to me. My surgery date is 2-12-01!!! I
have told him that I have loved him at 200lbs. (weight when I met him over
8 years ago) and I love him at 341lbs. (I'm down from my heaviest 354lbs.)
and no matter what I weigh I will always love him! I am planning to spend
a lot of time on myself this year coming and I really don't feel that I am
being selfish, but I do plan on spending some time away with my hubby! I
think for his birthday in June, we will go away for the weekend!! I also
remind him that our bedroom time is bound to get better as the weight goes
down! It is good now, but at 200lbs. it was better!! LOL
— Trisch B.
December 31, 2000
I have mixed feeling in this area. My first husband made me so miserable
about my weight for so long and doled out love based on what I weighed each
day. I used to tell him jokingly that he better watch out if I ever lost
all my weight because if he couldn't love me fat, I wouldn't love him
skinny. Amazing that it worked out that exact way. I lost 230 pounds. 170
was him. 70 was me!
Fast forward to my new hubby. He met me just a little overweight. Loved me
faithfully for the last 4 years as my weight climbed 85 pounds. Tells me he
will love me no matter what I weigh and supports me totally in my surgery
because of my health. This is the only man (there have been a number of
relationships) who truly deserves to have me skinny! I know there will be
attention when my weight is off and I will get hit on a lot like I used to.
Difference is I'm downright militant about these men who will hit on me
when I'm skinny but thought I was invisible when I was fat. No way will I
do anything to damage the wonderful relationship I have now! Your husband
needs to have confidence in you love. However, there is a warning. If he
hasn't treated you good during the fat years, he should worry. Read the
divorce stats published on the Bariatric Surgery Association page. Of
course, it sounds like your husband has already proved his love during the
fat times. He needs to trust your ability to remember that!
— Perri T.
December 31, 2000
I can relate to all the relationship stories -- especially Perri's.
You said if he didn't love you when you're fat, then you won't love him
when you're skinny. That's EXACTLY the same way I think/feel about the
guys now. I'm divorced, but the guys who are nice and treat me like a human
now will be the same guys I will still be friends with when I get thin. The
others can jump off a cliff...no matter how desirablethey are by other
women.
I know men that talk about their wives getting fat & undesirable
so they thinkthat gives them an 'excuse'to go out on them. I've also told
these same guys that when they get fat and bald and ugly do they mind if
their wives step out on them. Whoa, different tune, then. I'm
seeing/hearing of a lot more women taking charge and taking care of
themselves this coming year ... WE ARE WOMEN HEAR US ROAR! Congratulations
to all of you who are doing things for yourselves...and do not let ANYONE
put you down, men or women!
— Betty Todd
January 1, 2001
Heather- I know as I lose weight, my relationships have changed
with everybody-husband, kids, friends, and family. My compulsive
eating drowned out feelings that I am now feeling with full force.
The result? I don't have alot of patience with people, but I am working
on it:) As far as my husband goes, our relationship was based on mutual
compulsive behaviors. With mine gone, he has had to deal with his.
Thankfully,
he is willing to and we are doing well, but we are relearning to be
together and
how to love each other in a healthy way. It certainly isn't easy, but it
is the
way God intends our marriage to be. It is difficult, but the
rewards are fantastic! I urge you to TALK alot with your
husband and encourage HIM to TALK too. Your marriage may
become even better than you could dream if you are both committed to it.
Good Luck!
— M B.
January 1, 2001
Heather just wanted to tell you that I was married to a man who loved me
fat or thin. He never ever ever made one comment about thinking I was
better looking after I lost all the weight. He said he loved me either way
and that it was my decision to make because I was the one who had to live
in my body and when I was happy, he was happy. To this day, he will not
say which way he thinks I look best and I went from 280 to 115. Just says
he thinks I am beautiful either way. I don't think it ever occured to him
that I might leave him. We just have a very strong relationship and that
was NOT a possibility in the least.
As for other men hitting on me, well that has happened but, it's not even
up for consideration. I "did" have a married man hit on me and
tell me that the reason he did it was because his wife was fat and that
just doesn't turn him on. I promptly showed him a picture of me at 280
pounds, called him a dog and said that he didn't deserve the love that his
wife gives him. It makes me soooo mad now when I see people putting down
large people that I am almost militant about it. I will NEVER forget from
whence I came and the cruel comments, the poor self esteem and everything
that goes along with being large will forever be with me. I just don't
hear it personally from other people. My exhusband now says that I look
like a starving poor person now. This from the man who wouldn't touch me
while I was large. He is now married to another large woman. I think,
like someone else said, it's a control issue for some men. If their woman
is large, they think they don't have a worry in the world....wrong. I
divorced him when I was 280, met my present hubby at that weight also.
There ARE some men who don't want to control us, and just want to see us
happy. This is the case with my present hubby.
Also, I wanted to mention to you so you could tell hubby, that your sex
life will be sooo much better. There are things I only read about that are
possible now to be graphic and I also (trying not to get too specific here)
don't run out of breath so easily so ummmm things take alot longer which is
obviously fine with both of us. Hang in there, he will love the new more
self confident you.
Barbara Henson BPD/DS 6/99
— Barbara H.
February 7, 2001
My boyfriend keeps telling me that I'll leave him when I'm skinny. Years
ago I talked about doing this with another boyfriend he said "then
everyone will want you". I think some men really are insecure and
think that a fat woman is easier to keep around. I have many ex-boyfriends
who could tell them different. I also am very sensitive to how men feel.
If they couldn't like me at this weight they can forget about having me
skinny. My current boyfriend has admitted that he sometimes thinks about
me being thinner. He feels really bad about it but I've demanded a lot of
honesty from him. I think it's really helped us to talk about it and talk
about what if I don't do the surgery and I stay fat. He really does seem
to love me either way. My only advice is to reassure him that you love him
and that no matter what you weigh, you're the same person. I know I'm very
in love with my boyfriend and the only thing that would change that is if
he treated me poorly. I do think the root of the problem is his
self-esteem, thinking if I was really pretty and had lots of men hitting on
me that he wouldn't look so good. However, I've always been hit on by men
if I went looking for it so I don't think it'll be much different. Keep
the faith. -Kathryn
— kcanges
February 7, 2001
Oh I can so relate. I am 4 days away from surgery, and my DH is making it
so misirable for me because he is insecure with the fact that other men may
look at me and that I am going to leave him....So his answer to it all is
to keep telling me that I will find no one better than him and that I won't
know what I have till its gone and yadda yadda yadda....Yeah thats making
me want to stay all the more...(NOT)!!!!!!!! I have no intentions of
leaving him, but if he keeps up the jerky behavior I just might
— DrinknDixie
June 8, 2001
HEATHER, I'M REALLY SADENED TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE GOING THRU THIS. I AM 34
YEARS OLD AND I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 18 YEARS. THE FIRST TIME I HAD VBG DONE
IN 1992 YES MY HUSBAND FELT ALITTLE INSECURE. BUT AS I TOLD HIM I LOVE HIM
AND THAT HASNT CHANGED. BUT THE COMMENTS AND INSECURITY WILL DEFFINATELY
GET TO YOU. I WENT FROM 231 DOWN TO 131 LBS. EVEN HIS MALE FRIENDS AND
COWORKERS MADE COMMENTS TO HIM, "MAN SHE'S GONNA LEAVE
YOU"....SOME WOMAN DO LEAVE. IF YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HEAVY AND MEN
START FLIRTING AND MAKING COMMENTS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, WELL LIKE I
SAID SOME DO LEAVE. BUT IF YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND GET COUNCELING BECAUSE HE
NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND THAT MOST PEOPLE HAVE THIS SURGERY FOR BETTER QUALITY
OF LIFE AND HEALTH REASONS. THIS TIME I HAD A RNY 4-10-01. AND I HAD MORE
TROUBLE FROM MY 18 YR OLD SON. HE DIDNT NOT WANT ME TO GO THRU THIS AGAIN
HE THOUGHT I WAS "STUPID" HE SAYS I LOST TO MUCH THE FIRST TIME
AND I LOOKED SICK. AS I TOLD HIM HE IS JUST USED TO SEEING HIS MOTHER
FAT..... BUT DO THIS FOR YOURSELF IF HUBBY MAKES YOUR LIFE
UNBEARABLE.....MOVE ON.....BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY....REMEMBER LOVE
YOURSELF.....
— kelly S.
June 8, 2001
HEATHER, I AM 34 YRS OLD AND MARRIED FOR 18 YEARS. THE FIRST WLS I HAD IN
1992. YES MY HUSBAND HAD SOME INSECURE FEELINGS. FREINDS AND COWORKERS
MADE COMMENTS TO HIM HOW ATTRACTIVE I WAS AND THEY WOULD SAY "SHE'S
GONNA LEAVE YOU" BUT HE THEN REALIZED THAT I DID THIS FOR ME, MY
HEALTH, MY CHILDREN, AND OUR REALATIONSHIP. I WAS ABLE TO BE MORE ACTIVE
AND OUR REALATIONSHIP AS HUS AND WIFE WAS BETTER. I DID JUST HAVE A REDUE
RNY DONE 4-10-01 AND MY HUSBAND KNOWS IM HERE FOR THE LONG HAUL FAT OR
THIN, BUT I HAD TROUBLE THIS TIME WITH MY 18 YEAR OLD SON. HE DID NOT WANT
ME TO DO THIS AGAIN. HE SAID I LOST TO MUCH THET I DIDNT LOOK LIKE HIS MOM
THEN. BUT AS I TOLD HIM "IM DOING THIS SO THAT I WILL BE HERE WHEN HE
HAS KIDS" IT FOR MY.... HEALTH..... ITS HARD AND SOME WOMEN AND MEN
FOR THAT MATTER DO HAVE TO LEAVE THERE SPOUSE BECAUSE THE REMARKS AND
COMMENTS AND HARD ON A REALATIONSHIP...JUST REMEMBER DO WHATS RIGHT FOR
YOU....LOVE YOURESLF.....
— kelly S.
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