Question:
How do i tell my family?
My husband is very supportive of my surgery. Now I am at the point where all my testing is done and just waitung for a date, so I figure I eed to tell some people because I have three small children and will need family to watch them so my husband can be with me in the hospital. I was just planning on telling my sister and mother and then tell everyone else after surgery was over. However, everytime I go to bring it up I just freeze, anyone have any good advice? — s H. (posted on April 20, 2003)
April 19, 2003
If you fear the horror stories and lack of support I understand your
reluctance to let folks know. My best friend of nearly 30 years was one of
those. Surprise he now advocates WLS for his daughter a old girlfriend of
mine. Amazing what watching success will do!!!<P> Anyhoiw to get back
to your problem make friend with a post op down at least 100 pounds. Invite
selected members of your family over for lunch and have your NEW post op
friend there. Have them show their pre op photos and tell their story!
along with your doing it too! This should help a LOT! If your anywhere
within 100 miles of pittsburgh me and Jen a postie too will be glad to help
out. Jen loves socializing! Please report back or e mail me if this works.
Your problem comes up all the time and a proven solution would help
dramatically!
— bob-haller
April 19, 2003
My family was not very happy about the idea when I told them however I
continually involved them is every aspect of my preparation up and to
having surgery. Although I know they were all very scared and nervous they
love me and supported me. You have to be honest with you family and say
this is the decision I have made and I have chosen to change my life in a
drastic way so that I can be here to live and love with you longer. Tell
them you would like their full support and value their opinions however be
strong and say understand that I am 100% positive that I want this surgery
and it would make it a more loving enviorment if you would love and support
me through this. If you pour your heart into this with your family they
will support you even if reluctant. Good luck! God Bless!
— Kitty Kat
April 19, 2003
Nancy-- I too went through the same thing. I agonized over telling my
parents and sisters. I waited until a week before he surgery and told my
sisters first who were unbelievably supportive and happy for me because
they knew how misreable I was. I then called my Mom who was very scared and
did not want me to do it--I told her I needed her there for me, but I was
going forward. She called me 2 days later and said they would be there for
me. My whole family has been there since day one. Now they are always
calling me when a show comes on about WLS telling me to watch it--I am so
glad I told my family in advance --you really need the support system. Good
Luck-I think you will be surprised at the support you will receive.
— Marie R.
April 20, 2003
I told my family by sending an email. I knew that I would chicken out at
the last minute and I would have a very hard time if they took it badly and
I was in the room with them. Not only did the email help me tell everyone
at once (with all the details) after hitting the "send" button I
couldn't pull it back. I also feel that it gave them some time to think
about it before they spoke to me.
If you don't have email.. you can alway send a letter.
— SJP
April 20, 2003
I am single w/o children, so I'm not your exact situation, i.e., didn't
need any help. I didn't tell family (for fear they would get TOO involved
and try to take over ... large aggressive family! or they would not be
supportive). In the end, everyone pitched in to do whatever it took to get
me to and from the hospital and supported me 100%. See my profile for my
thoughts and fears on telling the family. My recommendation: I don't know
how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it...I told one brother earlier than
others. Then, when I was ready, told everyone else over the phone. Good
luck. You'll know when the time is right!
— msmaryk
April 20, 2003
I am a mother of 4 young kids, so I understand. I started researching the
surgery more, so I asked my mom to look at the pictures online. She was so
supportive, that she decided to have the surgery too. Then I waited to tell
my dad, my partents are divorced. I was nervous, just didn't want any
negative reaction. If they didn't support me, that was ok, I had already
made up my mind. So, I just called him, and said I need to talk with him
about a decision I had made. He was 100% supportive. He thinks this is the
best thing I could give myself and my kids. All you can do is hope for the
best, and only take the positive. You will be surprised at how many people
are supportive rather than negative. Educate them if they don't know alot
about the surgery. Invite them to support groups, it makes them not so
scared for you. Good luck,Sandy
— Sandy H.
April 20, 2003
i think the best way to tell them is for you to be informed as much as
possible. if you wanted you could even print out somethings for them to
read. just make sure when you tell them that you are telling them what you
have decided to do....not that you are asking for their permission in
anyway. and eventhou they love you don't expect them to agree with you.
think about how much you learned about this surgery and how much you are
STILL learning. most of what the average person knows about wls is from
"a friend-of-a-friend-of-a friend" or from tv. i understand that
you want to tell very close family memebers, i even did the same. just
remember you don't have to tell everyone if you don't want to. you will set
your family more at ease by being very informed and firm about your choice.
best of luck!
— franbvan
April 21, 2003
I just told my family this weekend. I was approved for surgery on Friday
and had decided long ago that I would tell them then and they have all been
very supportive. I have only told my immediate family as I feel that it is
not my extended families business and I do not wish to be the subject of
family gossip. Tell who you want to tell and express to them your feelings
about everything and who you want and don't want to be told. They are your
family and hopefully will stand by you and your decisions that you make.
— Dawn P.
April 21, 2003
I only told a few people pre-op. My way was to ask if they could help
watch my kids a given week, because I was going to have surgery. Then when
they asked what kind, I told them. Somehow, that approach made it easier
for me.
— Kathy J.
May 20, 2003
Here's a creative way to talk about it:
When not discussing yourself, surgery, or anything weight loss related,
maybe at a family gathering, try to get the grown-ups attention by telling
a couple jokes or a funny story. Then tell them you have a personal
challenge question for each of them - sort of a personal SURVIVOR scenario
- at the end you'll want each person to tell them how they will choose
their journey, and save your answer for last.
Imagine you are in China and there is a SARS epidemic. It is getting
really out of hand. You have three choices.
Option #1: Evacuate. Evacuating has come to be practically illegal, only
the upper crust can buy their way through, and even then they have to go
through quarantine, medical probing and prodding, paperwork, sometimes
extensive traveling, and the journey to Hawaii would be in a special
microbe-filtering submarine which is pretty scarry, very uncomfortable and
they can't tell you how long
it will take to get to safety, maybe a year or two.
Out of 100 people who can afford to do this, get through the red tape, and
are willing to deal with the mob at the transport site who have all kinds
of reasons why you should not be allowed to evacuate, trying to lay guilt
trips on you for saving your own life, and are willing to risk travel in
this uncomfortable and scarry manner, about 98 will make it to safety; they
will live and be free, but will
have to continue to take anti-SARS medicine for the rest of their lives,
having additional medical tests, paperwork, cost, and negativity from those
who think you took the "easy way out".
Option #2: Swim. The second choice would be to swim. Anybody can hop in
the water and try swim to Hawaii from China. In fact, that is
"THE" way to get out of China according to TV, "How To"
books, talk shows, even most doctors. The trouble with this plan is
obvious - how can people make it all the way to Hawaii by swimming? Well
out of 100 people who try this method, about 4 make it - the
rest don't. They are usually washed back to shore but most take quite a
beating from the effort, which lowers their immune system, putting them at
greater risk for acquiring SARS and everything else.
Option #3: Stay. The third and last choice is to stay put. You can stay
in China and hope not to get SARS, but compared to an average Chinese
person, if you are male you personally have double the chance of getting
SARS, a 5 x risk if you are also diabetic, 4 x if you have GI problems; if
you are a woman you have double the chance of getting it, 8 x risk if
diabetic, and 3 x if you have GI problems.
Even if you don't get SARS, by staying put your chance of getting diabetes,
having your joints wear out prematurely, having your lungs and heart
develop diseases, develop sleep apnea,loose mobility, as well as many
painful other problems, is a definite guarantee. You would be excluded
from regular activities by people who don't even know you.
Minimal if any physial fun such as team sports, swimming, flying in an
airplane, etc. You would be fairly isolated and told that getting SARS was
your own fault, heck why didn't you just swim to Hawaii for Pete's sake?
The amount of discrimination for staying put would be statiscially worse
than discrimination by gender, religion, sexual preference, race, and there
is no legal protection like these other groups have; everyone will treat
you like its your own fault for coming to China in the first place. Your
own friends, family, children will be embarassed of you and also worried
that you will get SARS.
So, now you've each heard the scenario - what will you choose? Evacuate
(or die trying), Swim, or Stay? Have each person give their answer, and
maybe a couple sentences why they make this choice, ending with yourself.
Your answer is obvious - Evacuate.
"In my journey, I WILL choose (or HAVE chosen if you are telling this
after the fact) to evacuate. I have lived with my equivalent of SARS - my
obesity - for as long as I can, and I won't any longer. I have a 98%
chance of making it to a free life. It won't be easy, but its the best
chance I have. If I try to swim to safety, I'll fail along with 96% of all
those who try diet and exercise. If I stay, I'll die early, live
painfully, and continue to suffer
emotionally. Each of you have said how you choose your journey, and I hope
you can respect my choice, or if nothing else, my right to make my own
choice.
I hope you can support me, and it may take some time to get used to the
ideas I've mentioned, but I know who I am and where I'm going. I hope
you'll be there for me in my journey to the new me, because I care about
each of you, and hope you care about me too."
— bethybb
May 20, 2003
Beth - that is an ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS way of thinking about the decision to
have WLS! I love it! Although I'm the type who'll tell who I want what I
want and not give a whit what their little opinion is; I've already made up
my mind. (Might this be why MDH tells me I think I'm Queen of the World?
<g>)
— Leslie R.
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