Question:
Major changes on the outside......Can I deal with the inside???? HELP!!!!!

I have no idea what is going on here I think I am losing my mind. Too make a long story short I had been with the same person for the last 13 years of my life. I am 32 now so I was pretty young when we met. I am almost 1 year post op and weigh 129 pounds from 260. Lately I have been going out with my girlfriends and the attention is overwhelming. It is like this euphoria I can't even begin to describe. Men make comments about how "tiny" I am and it blows me away! Last weekend the "attention" dare I say was getting a little out of hand. I asked this guy what about the girl your with who was the same size I was just a year ago, and he made this horrible comment about her being a fat something or other!! Of course I let him have it and reminded him that he didn't exactly look like a body builder himself, but WOW! If I'm not the fat girl who the hell am I???? I still am with the same guy we have 3 beautiful children together and he is a good person. But...there always has to be that but....I can't help feeding off this attention. It's addicting!!!! I never dated around or "sowed my oats" per say. I question why I have stayed with the same man this whole time. Is it because I was afraid I wouldn't find someone else?? Through the years he has been on me about my weight and has told me flat out he had a problem with it. Am I seeking some sick sort of revenge? I haven't physically done anything as far as cheating unless flirting counts....Am I NUTS???HELP!!!!    — kristen H. (posted on August 12, 2002)

August 12, 2002
Hi Kristen. To answer your first question - NO you are not nuts! However, experiencing changes as life altering as we WLS patients do is not always easy. Making the transition from morbidly obese to normal isn't without its ups and downs. For so many years we've wrapped ourselves in this protective cocoon of fat. We've told ourselves over and over for years upon years that we don't deserve the good things that normal people do. Now, when we reach a normal weight, we see ourselves as the same person as before while the world sees us as someone different. So, we usually still feel that we don't deserve good things while the world is trying so hard to tell us how good we are. It's VERY emotionally conflicting. The attention and compliments we receive from the opposite sex can be dizzying. I'm 41 years old and it still makes me giggle like a school girl when a man pays me a compliment. However, I am in a very strong, long-term marriage and have no desire to be with anyone else. Sometimes, as a morbidly obese person, we settle for someone because we don't think we deserve any better. Then, as we lose weight and gain self confidence we find that the person we've chosen for our mate is not right for us and that we stayed with them for fear of being alone and never having anyone else to love us. Only you can know if you're with the right man for you. I'd say ask yourself this question "Am I in love with this man and if I am, why am I in love with him?" That's one of the only ways to find the answer. Don't make excuses for yourself and don't make excuses for him. Try to remember that the attention we receive from the opposite sex is, for the most part, just surface compliments. Nice guys or girls simply pointing out that they like what they see. And, sometimes they're not so nice. I like to be a sponge and just soak up the compliments and let it be a tool to help me to feel good about myself. If you feel that you won't be happy with your current mate then at least do him and yourself a favor and tell him. Cheating rarely results in anything positive. Maybe he just needs to know how you feel. Lastly, sometimes couseling can be extremely helpful in learning how to cope. Hey, we're only human right? There's no shame in needing some help. Our support group has a wonderful counselor who works with our folks - maybe you could find one in your area. You hang in there. Congratulations on your wonderful weight loss. I really believe that if you'll make every effort to do the right thing - regardless if that's staying with your man or leaving him - then things will turn out o.k. You deserve to be happy! Best wishes!
   — ronascott

August 12, 2002
Kristen, congrats on the weight loss! Wow-it must feel awesome to be 129 pounds. What a change in your life to go from 260 to 129 in a year. And to receive all the attention a 129 pound person receives from the opposite sex that you don't get at 260. And if you have been with the same guy for 13 years, you haven't experienced such a flood of compliments, flirting and just make you feel good attention in quite a while. Its intoxicating, isn't it? Now, what you need to do is think about the statement you made "we have 3 beautiful children together and he is a good person". How important is the welfare of your kids? And what is he like now that you have lost the weight? Although I do not have kids, I do have a hubby that used to be on me too when I was heavy. Now that I have lost alot of weight, our marriage is much better. Do I wish he had been accepting of me when I was fat? Yes, but in reality, if he had gained 100 pounds since we got married, would I have been accepting? Probably not. I guess you have to ask how important is sowing your oats, or is keeping your family together the better path to take. Good luck.
   — Cindy R.

August 12, 2002
Kristen, I believe your thoughts are apart of most WLS stories in how to deal with the attention and such. I am still pre-op and have thought about this myself. I have already decided to see a therapist after my surgery to help with these issues. Have you thought of that as a possibility? I have been overweight my entire life and I know that being a "normal" weight will be so incredibly life-altering- I sometimes fear how I will handle it. Since I have not went through it yet, all I can do is offer a shoulder if you need it. Please consider speaking with a therapist though. It could do you a world of good- whether one on one or in a group session. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!!!!! (Congrats of your weightloss success!)
   — karmiausnic

August 12, 2002
I can't agree more with the other posts. Congrats on your weight loss! It's an exciting adventure to have a new body and have the attention that you never had before. Please keep in mind that your husband was there even when you weren't small and loves you. Those compliments from the other men are based on superficial ideas about what a woman should look like to be attractive. They are not based on who you are on the inside. It's not worth the consequences to try and gain that kind of attention from someone other than who you are married to. The grass isn't greener. Your body is a gift to your husband and now you and he can enjoy it even more than before. Put your efforts into showing it off for your husband and let the rest find their own. It's a blessing to have someone who loves you no matter what. (That doesn't give us an excuse to neglect our body but is an incintive to look our best) I would also suggest for you to not go out with your friends to places where the temptation might be the greatest to seek attention elsewhere. Hope this helps and that you enjoy a long, happy marriage with you husband. Blessings!
   — SheilaB

August 12, 2002
No you are not out of your mind. Now that you are a slimmer person u are going to receive lots of attention. A lot of times we do stay with the same peroson for lots of years because that is all that we know and we feel that if we leave then we can't do any better than the person that we are with. The question that you have to ask yourself is do you really love or should i say are u inlove with your husband and how does he treat you now. Does he worship the ground that you walk on now that you are a slim fox or has he found something else to complain about???? Do you look aback over your marriage and say "damn we had some good times" or do you say all we have are just all these years and nothing else. The men are not going to stop comeing after you. You have to decide if it is worth it or not to take advantge of all this new attention or just brush them off, but I say have a little fun but only take it as far as u want it to go. I hope that I have been helpful.
   — blkonyx292000

August 12, 2002
Hiya hon...you are not nuts. I am going through the same thing. I have lost 124 pounds since February and I struggle with the same problem. I went from 322 and now I am 198, and I am 5'10" so 198 looks pretty good on me. I struggle with the attention issue...my husband, although he means well, doesn't exactly shower me with affection, so the attention I *do* get from anyone else makes me feel good. I don't want to turn into someone I don't want to be. I know I control that, but it is difficult. Our marriage was not-so-hot before surgery, and for the first 5 months after surgery we were emotionally separated. We are going to counseling now to try and work things out...but I constantly ask myself if this is where I want to be and what I should do about it--if I could afford it I would go to counseling just for me. I am hoping the newness of the attention wears off and I will be able to learn to deal with it. I wish you the best and congrats on your weight loss!
   — Jennifer G.

August 12, 2002
Whether you were overweight or not before, you've been with this person a LONG time. If your 32 and have been with him for 13 years, you were 19 when you started out. How many people DON'T change in there 20's no matter what weight they are?? No one that I know. I have a very good friend who is 22 (5'8 - 140 pounds) and I've told her that she will change herself, her view, her opinions and thoughts a MILLION times over before she hits 30. People get involved too young and feel like they've missed out on a lot of living. This seems to be doubly so when you've been overweight during those years. Let's face it, men don't pay "good" attention to a 300 pound woman versus a 140 pound woman. That in itself plays havoc on your self esteem for a LONG time. After WLS, it feels like your 18 again with the world on a string and all your options are open to you. If you feel like this relationship is worth saving, counseling may be the answer for BOTH of you. You, to adjust to your new and emerging self and him to accept the new you and deal with any of his past demons. There are a lot of men you like to have the "fat" woman around just so they have SOMEONE to fall back on and make themselves look better in comparison to the fat girl. When you lose weight, YOUR the one looking better and he's the one who's now nervous because he may be the butt of the jokes and putdowns instead of you. You don't have to put up with rude comments or lack of attention no matter how long you've been with someone or how many children you have with them. You deserve to be happy and if that's not with him, then you need to possibly look elsewhere. If your not willing to give up on the relationship, counseling is certainly in order for both of you to deal with your demons. I don't mean to sound preachy and please don't take it this way, but I hate to see someone feel like they HAVE to accept poor treatment or be unhappy just because they have history or children with a person. Remember, kids are smart and they pick up on these things too. You don't want your kids to have bad self image about themselves because that's what they've seen presented by you, do you??
   — Patty H.