Question:
Help I have created a monster!
My wife had surgery some time ago and has done very well having lost over 100 pounds. While she was ill and MO her abilities to do stuff detoriated. I took on all the housework and did it not happily but because she just sadly wasnt able. Cleaning, cooking, laundry its all my job <P> I figured that once she got feeling better we would share these jobs as I shared them before her health detoriaed. Whats worse she has gotten critical of how well I do these jobs. I dont mind doing most of the work but am unhappy with her attitude and have suggested marriage counseling. I love my wife very much but fear the resentment I am building over the situation. This truly could lead to divorce. Has anyone else had this problem and any ideas how I can deal with it? Signed a unhappy confused hubby. Needless to say Sam isnt my real name. — Sam J. (posted on August 2, 2002)
August 2, 2002
Sam, I'm still pre-op so I really can't identify yet with what your wife is
going through. Having gone through a divorce after 20 years of marriage, I
have to say to you, do everything you possibly can to save your marriage.
If there are problems and resentment building, beg your wife to go to
counseling. If she won't go with you, go alone. You can't change her at
all and she won't change unless she wants to. Same with you. Please do
not (and you don't sound like the type) just run out on a bad situation
without trying everything you possibly can! I know I'm preachy here but my
2nd husband and I believe in the sanctity of marriage and we also
facilitate a divorce care class at our church. Divorce oftentimes causes
more problems than it solves. (I know there are some out there that will
disagree with that greatly and in some cases, divorce is warranted but I'm
not hearing any of those symptoms here yet.) Please do what you can (you
already have begun just by posting this cry for help). My prayers are with
you. Nelly
— Nell C.
August 2, 2002
"Sam" if you can financially afford it, perhaps you could bring
in a cleaning service. They can come clean once or twice a month. It
doesn't cost much. I live in Los Angeles (expensive) and it only costs $40
2x per month or $50 1x per month. If you can't afford it, yes, please do
try to get your wife to go with you to counseling. It is easy to let the
housework go when you are so overweight and tired all the time. But she
must have plenty more energy since she's lost over 100 pounds, so there
really isn't an excuse for her not to do her part. I wish you luck. Now,
if only I could get my boyfriend to help me around the house! ;o)
— Jennifer A.
August 2, 2002
She sounds like she could be depressed and perhaps in need of some
anti-depressants. I would have her see a doc for sure.
Good Luck!
— ZZ S.
August 2, 2002
I am in need of a new husband, you can move in with me, I will appreciate
you!!
— Deanna Wise
August 2, 2002
Yikes! Am I the monster and you are my husband? My husband
also does it all and I have no responsibilites other than
to go to work. He is disabled and is at home running the house. I really
thought I would have been helping him by this point but old habits are hard
to break. If you want
some help, come right out and ask for it! Take her grocery
shopping and have her pick something she'd like to cook
tomorrow night. Ask her to switch the load of clothes. Guess it's time for
me to examine my own household with this issue. I will say that I have
truly enjoyed being spoilt rotten and being able to brag about it. I bet
she
appreciates you more than she verbalizes.....
— lessofme170
August 2, 2002
Hi Sam. My wife ( Kim ) had surgery back in January and developed
complications. She was in the hospital for the whole month of january. When
she came home there wasn't a lot that she could do. Actually, there wasn't
anything she could do. Now, I love my wife with all my heart. But, it got
to the point where I think I was doing more harm than good by doing
everything around the house. I told her it was time for her to do what she
could. She agreed. I had taken 10 weeks off of work to help her out and it
was time for me to get back to work. I was totally prepared to hire a
housekeeper if need be. She didn't want me to do that. So, when I went back
to work she was forced to do things and that helped get her strength back.
Your situation seems a bit different if she is critizing your work. Seems
like you may be being taken for granted. Also if she is down 100 pounds
then she isn't a new post op. If she refuses to do housework you really
can't force her to do it. And if you stop, then the house may get to the
point where you can't stand it. This is a difficult situation. What *I*
would do is..... the things she is critical of, quit doing them and let her
do them. If this didn't work I would seriously consider hiring a person to
come in weekly or bi-weekly to clean the house. Like the previous poster
said, it really doesn't cost THAT much. Just don't hire a company to come
in and do it. They would be expensive. Hire an individual. Ask around at
work to see if someone can recommend somebody. Put an ad in the paper.
Maybe having someone come in and clean will embarrass your wife and she
will start doing her part. Especially if she doesn't work and is home when
the cleaner comes in to clean. I wish you luck. Wayne
— Kim B.
August 2, 2002
Thanks for the comments and keep them coming. Unfortunately we cant afford
huusekeeping service, we did the credit card thing and are broke although
she suggested it. Her generl idea is to have everything done for her. She
also mentioned not working, but we cant afford it. I dont mind her not
doing much. The trouble is she doesnt do anything, and her attitude about
it. I love her very much and am not running out or looking for a excuse to
leave. I want desperately to snap her out of this attitude before it
destroys us long term.
— Sam J.
August 2, 2002
Hi Sam. I am sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I do however
sense that this goes a little bit deeper than the not sharing
responsibilites. Her criticism of you shows a lack of respect for you.
Marriage is a two way street and everything should be shared.. the good and
the bad. I urge you to press the counseling issue. Hiring a cleaner will
only cover the problem up.. it won't solve it. Good luck.
— Virginia N.
August 2, 2002
Sam, Have you asked for help doing the chores? I think sometimes one spouse
will take on the "caretaker" role and after a while the other
spouse just assumes that you don't mind doing all the work. I have 4 kids
11,10, and 4 yo old twins, and a full time job. My dh does not criticize
the way I do things but doesn't offer to help. I work for a school system,
so I'm off work during the summers, and I take on all the
rsponsibilities-don't mind until I have to go back. My family then for
several weeks assumed that I would continue to do everything just like I do
when I'm on vacation. I didn't complain, just did it until I had a
mini-meltdown. Seems that all I had to do was ask for help, things aren't
done perfectly, and lots of times I have to give "gentle"
reminders that I can't/won't do everything. Leave some of the less
important tasks undone for awhile and take time for yourself. The criticism
concerns me, counseling is definately in order there. I wish you the best,
I rarely answer/post but your problem really struck home for me.
— Angela S.
August 2, 2002
Sam,
I am just 2 weeks post-op from Lap-band surgery and my husband has been so
kind to help me do most of the things I am no longer able to do at this
time. However, I think you must be a truly wonderful person to take on the
responsibilities you have incurred as a result of your wife's WLS surgery.
Have you tried communicating your thoughts and feelings to her about her
criticisms toward you? Are these criticisms in regard to the housework or
other things? Perhaps you need to point out to her in a calm manner all
the responsibilities you are assuming and if she seems to realize this, map
out some kind of "new" sharing strategy. Hope things improve,
you sound like a great husband.
— Janice B.
August 3, 2002
Sam I sympathize with you and your situation. I was in your wife's
position, and I haven't even had surgery. Once I realized how big I was, I
got depressed, and didn't want to do anything for myself. My boyfriend did
it all.. and needless to say, I was a bitch about the whole thing.
One day he told me how I was acting, and as a result he wanted to move out
and be on his own for a while, until I could drop my attitude.
I didn't know it at the time, but the things I put him through were wearing
him down. I asked and he gave, and I never gave back. I didn't change my
ways until I realized he was going to leave.
My advice to you is to somehow either tell your wife about how you feel or
let her see this page. Either way it's a reality check. There is truth in
the saying, "You don't know what you have till it's gone" Well
sometimes, if you realize that you are going to lose something ahead of
time, you do your best to prevent it. I did, and my relationship with my
boyfriend has never been better. I think your wife will wise up if she gets
a good picture of how life will be "without" you. Reality check's
do work. It's up to you to now. Good Luck, i'll pray for you.
— Laydie K.
August 3, 2002
By the way, I also forgot to ad to my last post. I got on depression
medication (Paxil) and that has helped tremendously. The reason why I was
treating my boyfriend the way I was, was because I was depressed. Sometimes
that is the reason. I'm not exactly sure, but i'd have her go see a doctor.
— Laydie K.
August 3, 2002
Im not in this position so I cant offer much help. BUT you wrote you
suggested marriage counseling but didnt say what her answer was... I would
'assume' it was no? Anyway, the only advice I would give is YOU go to
counseling.... help yourself and maybe the rest will come in place... I
hope everything works out. Divorce is a 'big' problem with WLS and
hopefully your wife read about it pre op .... you sound like a nice man and
I wish you all the best....
— star .
August 3, 2002
Yikes! Terrible thought!!! Could "Sam" really be a collective
group of husbands trying to get us motivated???!!! Sam, another good
thought: hire the housekeeper and take the money to pay for the service
out of the wife's clothing budget, etc. Don't be mean, just say,
"Sorry, I needed some help and that was the only area I felt we could
scrimp in." You are a wonderful man for asking for help and not
giving up!!! Nelly
— Nell C.
August 3, 2002
Sounds like time for some serious heart-to-heart communication. One of the
things I have really liked in finding ways to make my marriage better, is
the program at www.marriagebuilders.com. The concept is to identify each
of your emotional needs, and to each commit to meeting the other's needs.
Most of the info can be found on the site (be forwarned - it's a lot of
reading), but I would also encourage you to pick up the book "His
Needs, Her Needs." I recently told my 14 year old she would be
getting a copy on her wedding day! -Kate-
— kateseidel
August 3, 2002
Ok, this isn't going to go over the best, BUT, if she wants to act like a
spoiled 2 yr old, treat her like a spoiled 2 yr old! Make a list of chores
for her to do and stick to it! When she criticizes how you do your chores,
tell her that if she can do better - go for it! Even if she won't go to
counseling with you, you can still seek help! I really do feel for you, my
hubby does help out around the house, but never wants to help with meals
and I do get tired of always being the one to think, plan, and make ALL the
meals. I finally had to be a witch and inform him and our 9 yr old that if
I'm going to cook it then they can take care of putting things away
afterwards and clearing the table. Well, needless to say we have wasted
some food because things would "accidently" be forgotten to be
put away! And I had seen it out, but I REFUSE to take care of it! They have
decided that it is MUCH easier to clean up when things are not hard and
crusted in pans,etc. It may not work for you, but I know it did for me.
Also, my husband and I can talk to each other pretty easy, yes, sometimes
feelings get hurt, but then we get to make up! :)
Good luck and please remember their is help out there for you!
— Terri Z.
August 5, 2002
Deana Wise - you crack me up...you go girl, solicit !! solicit !! And to
you, Mr. "Sam" - I wanted to say this - you sound like a really
caring, understanding guy and one day, I believe your efforts will be
rewarded - that may be with this relationship or with another...you
absolutely deserve a fair shake. At my heaviest & at my most sick, I
was still able to get the basic household chores done. I can't handle dirt
and homes that aren't cleaned up - it may have taken me all weekend long to
get it handled due to the excruciating pain I was having from carrying all
of the extra weight but I got it done. I guarantee your wife is quite
miserable - I guarantee that she probably wakes up every single morning
wishing she was a different size or in different condition. That
depression like state has her taking it out on you and the people she is
closest to - seems to be the way that us weird humans work at times. I
can't believe that she'd have the nerve to be critical on how well the jobs
are done - she should be ashamed of herself. Most men wouldn't even step
up to the plate unless absolutely necessary - they'd just be living in the
midst of the dirt & uncleanliness.
I've heard that this surgery could make or break a marriage. If a good
solid marriage is there before the surgery, it will only get stronger as
the patient goes through the changes and gains some of his/her life back.
If the marriage is on the rocks to begin with, the crap only gets heavier
as she/he becomes lighter. Weird, huh? You hang in there and know that
there are millions of women who would truly appreciate you (1) stepping up
to the plate and (2) caring enough to put your emotions and feelings out
there to place where so many people frequent - don't change a thing about
those two qualities...somewhere in life, it will all pay off - if you allow
it to. Best of blessings to you.
— Lisa J.
August 5, 2002
I more thing....I failed to see that she was a post-op patient and had
already lost over 100 lbs. - well...there is just absolutely no excuse for
it. She should be paying you back 10-fold for all the extra help you gave
her. If she's not willing to do the marriage counseling thing, take the
other poster up on her offer...she said she'd appreciate you. : )
— Lisa J.
August 5, 2002
SAM SO SORRY FOR YOUR DELIMA.I HAVE NO ANSWERS FOR YOU.BUT I WANT TO THANK
YOU FOR POSTING YOUR PROBLEM.SEE MY HUSBAND HAS TO HELP ME WITH MY
HYGIENE,HOUSEWORK,LAUNDRY ETC.HE EVEN PUTS MY SOCKS AND SHOES ON FOR ME.I
APPRECIATE HIM,AND LET HIM KNOW IT.BUT YOUVE MADE ME REALIZE THAT MAYBE I
TAKE HIM A LITTLE FOR GRANTED TOO.NOW THERES A FEW THANK YOUS I NEED TO
SAY,AND ALOT OF GRATTITUDE I NEED TO SHOW.I AM STILL PRE OP BUT ONE DAY I
WILL BE ABLE TO TRULY SHOW HIM HOW I APPRECIATE HIM.LIKE OUR FIRST CAMPING
TRIP.NATURALLY IT WILL BE A SURPRISE FOR HIM.THANK YOU FOR OPENING MY
EYES.GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU.TAMMY L
— Tammy L.
August 5, 2002
Sam, could you post back and let us know how you are doing? Here is my
spin on this: this may be as simple as breaking a habit. She is used to
you doing things for her. Now she is able to, but it doesn't even occur to
her to do it. Nor does she want to, because having it done for her keeps
her in her "comfort zone". Communication may create an awareness
that solves this dilemma quickly. Or it may take retraining, with the help
of a therapist. Your resentment will only get worse, as will her inability
to participate. Please talk to her and get her help if appropriate. This
situation makes me sad for both of you.
— Karen F.
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