Question:
As I am getting closer to my surgery date, my husband is starting to

become less supportive of my decision. Up until now he really hasn't said much about the whole situation, but now he is saying that although he is supportive of my decision (because he knows how bad I want this done)he thinks that it is drastic and doesn't think it will work for me. He says that this is just another diet that I won't have the willpower to stick to. I have explained that this is a restrictive procedure and I will not be able to eat like I do now (I explained the whole surgery and recovery and post op diet to him) and he just blows me off or says that the more he learns, the more he is against it. I am really hurt that I can't go to him for the support that I need without being criticized. I do know that he is worried about me leaving him when I lose the weight,(as if I couldn't do that now.) I love him and want my marriage to work but I just can't believe how much of a jerk he is being. I have even tried to get him to come to this site, but he refuses. So what can I do or say to help him come to terms with this? I always reassure him that I don't want to leave him, but that doesn't seem to be enough. I am just really confused and frustrated. If anyone has any experience with this kind of situation, I would appreciate any "words of wisdom".    — Dawn H. (posted on May 17, 2001)

May 17, 2001
I kind of know how you feel. Since I decided to have surgery, I admit that I have been eating more, but my husband is like watching every single thing that enters my mouth. We talked about it and I honestly think that he is afraid that I'm going to have the surgery and then cheat it. I have tried so many things over the past 9 years trying to lose this weight and I have failed at every one of them. He probably sees this as another thing I'm going to fail. I'm not having the surgery until next year, so this is going to give us alot of time to talk and adjust.
   — Brenda S.

May 17, 2001
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink...All you can do is provide him reassurance and the information he needs to make an informative decision for himself. This is all about his insecurities and you can't fix those for him just like he can't fix yours for you. It's a wonderful thing to have the love and support of your spouse/family/friends but ultimately, you have to do what is best for you! Good luck and God bless! My surgery is coming up soon also!
   — Sharon R.

May 17, 2001
Dawn, I can understand the situation you're in. When I started talking about WLS, my husband really didn't take me very seriously. I honestly don't think he thought I would ever go through with it. I had quite a bit of time for research while I waited until I was able to change my insurance to a provider I knew would cover my surgery 100%. Once I actually started proceedings he was well educated on the situation. I couldn't get him to come to the website, so I brought the site to him, by making copies of anything I found he may have questions about. I showed him before and after pics, as well as the description of all the different procedures. I explained to him how important this would be, and how much it would benefit our entire family once I was able to get around better... to ride bikes, or go to Disneyland and be able to ride the rides, or just to walk around the fair without getting winded. In the end he was very supportive, although he was afraid of losing me, either through surgery, or me leaving him once I am thin. He still worries about me, and he told me this morning that he listens to make sure I'm still breathing when he wakes up to go to work! I'm sure your husband has his insecurities, as mine did. The best thing I could suggest is to try to educate him by making copies of information about surgeries, and see if you can get him to go to a support group meeting with you. Good luck with everything. I hope he comes around! Just remember you have to do what's right for you, and while support is great, it is ultimately your decision.
   — Kim B.

May 17, 2001
Dawn, It sounds like your husband is afraid of losing you. It sounds like denial of the whole situation. Maybe he feels if he ignores it enough it will go away. Also you should evaluate whether or not he controls the relationship. My boyfriend resisted the idea of surgery at first but now he is getting better. But I mentioned his reservations in a support group meeting and they inquired about whether he likes that my size keeps me dependent on him or if he just likes big women in general. In this case he truly likes big women. It's a good question to ask yourself. Remember this is for you not for him. If this is what you want, go for it! Good luck with everything!
   — Sara A

May 17, 2001
Dawn, First off I want to congratulate you on this decision. It's now being complicated some due to what sounds like your husbands insecurities. You need to remind him why you need to do this. Include him in that. Remind him that the healthier you are the longer you will be with him. I'm sure you tell him now but he needs to keep hearing it. Also, he dsn't get it because he dsn't know-unfortunatly that's his choice right now. Ignorance is bliss! I would make copies of articles and just leave them around. Even on the coffee table or wherever. Maybe when he dsn't feel so threatened he'll read them. Maybe when you're not looking. It's hard because he dsn't have control of this situation(even if he's not a controlling person). The hardest time for my husband was the 7 hrs I was in surgery because he didn't know what was happening and he wasn't a part of it. Continue to remind him of the process and how you can't/won't fail with this. The reason we all fail with diets is that they don't work! Yes, maybe 5-10 lbs but overrall they don't. It's not our fault! This is a major life decision and you want him along for the ride. Hang in there. I wish you the peace and security in knowing he'll come around. It's probably very difficult for him to admit that he's afraid and right now he's afraid of losing you and what you have together! Be patient and congratulations!
   — Linda M.

May 17, 2001
This is like Deja Vu, I had a similiar episode with my wife. When I first started talking about WLS I think she thought I wasn't serious about it. When it became obvious that I was going to do it we started having problems. She finally admitted that she was not afraid of the surgery, but that she was afraid that I would get skinny and leave her for someone else. I reasured her and things got better. Now that I am post op and doing well, my wife is trying to get her insurance to cover her own WLS. Just talk to you husband, this sounds like insecurity to me.
   — Harold R.