Question:
Has anyone been shy about too much attention?

In 1999 I lost 75 pounds and was looking pretty good if I do say so myself, I recieved a lot, and I do mean alot of attention from men that I really wasn't used to and found myself very shy talking to them. I was constantly stopped on the street, became the center of attention at work, when I asked them why they never talk to me before, most of them said that they never noticed me or that they thought I was married(stupid ass excuses).Now that I am going to have my surgery at the end of May, I am not sure on how to handle all the attention I will get since I will be losing much more. One of the reason I gain all of the weight back was because of the insecurtiy, and the anger that these men didn't like me for me. What can I do to get ready for this?    — blank first name B. (posted on May 15, 2001)

May 15, 2001
You say you gained weight back because of anger and insecurity towards men. I'm not sure this will change with WLS, hon. I think it helps a lot to impersonalize the obesity - for instance, I find dark men attractive and rarely look at blonde men. I like tall men, and don't look at short men. It doesn't offend me or hurt me that some men aren't attracted to heavy women, believe me, I know some that are! What offends me and hurts me is nastiness, and thankfully I'm wasn't/am not subjected to that often. Is it possible that with your prior weight loss you carried yourself with more confidence and smiled more? Did you keep your hair and makeup fresher? Were you more approachable and inviting then and didn't realize it? Were you wearing new and better fitting clothing? How old are you? If you are in your 20's, men your age are somewhat immature and exposed to the supermodel ideal of a woman. Older men tend to appreciate 'real women'. All these things are factors in whether you'll get noticed - at any weight. In fact, over the weekend, my mom's neighbor kept coming over to me while I was working in the yard and chatting me up. My brothers were even teasing me about it, thinking he was suddenly smitten with me after all these years. He told my mom I was looking great and it turns out I'm the 'spitting image' of the 'last great love' of his life - he just hadn't noticed it until I lost weight (it also turns out he's 20 years older than me, so I doubt we will go beyond friendly hellos). So, rather than be offended that he hadn't noticed my uncommon beauty and grace (HA!) before, I am tickled pink that he is noticing it now. So how do you handle all this new attention? You smile, have a conversation and enjoy! It becomes easier with practice and experience - but you need to let go of the anger and resentment to really have a good time. Good luck to you!
   — Allie B.

May 15, 2001
Deb - one thing that has been recommended to me as I approach this surgery is to re-start my relationship with my therapist. A competent MFT (or MFCC) can help us work through issues related to body image, sexuality, anger, fear...the whole ball of wax. If cost is an issue, call the YWCA...many of them have programs avaialble at low or no cost (I know, my husband is a therapist with the Y here). Best of luck!!
   — blee01

May 15, 2001
Deborah, I too have some similar concerns. For myself I went back into therapy BEFORE my surgery and I'm waiting for my 1st appt. since surgery. I didn't want to sabotage all my efforts "incase" some of these feelings and unwarranted attentions came back. Start working on a plan now of what you might do and why in these situations. I had to start liking myself again for who I was-not because I was in the PTA,somebody's mommy,somebody's wife but just because I'm a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made! I deserve happiness for whatever the reason. If you are strong enough to look at yourself honestly and can do the work yourself than do it. If not, call a therapist and begin now. I may not ever experience any of these feelings with the unwarranted attention but if it happens I'm ready!!!!!Best wishes
   — Linda M.

May 16, 2001
Get thee to a therapist! I believe I am the same way- I have lost weight, only to be whistled at, etc, only to gain weight, only to lose it and get scared. Well, I even did it while married and STILL was afraid and put the weight back on. After many years of on and off therapy, I have come to realize what I am afraid of. Intimacy is a big scare for me- even with a husband of 15 years. I don't just mean physical intimacy either- emotional is even more difficult. The weight kept my husband and others away physically as well as emotionally. Times change, though, and this surgery has finally brought healing to me physically and emotionally. It is VERY difficult, but the rewards are tremendous! My husband and I, after nearly divorcing, are as close as a man and woman can be- the way God intended. I still get scared, but every time I do, it gets easier to deal with in a healthy manner. You can do this!
   — M B.