Question:
Do you have fears about becoming thin because of your past?

I am 37 years old and am working on getting surgery approval. I am 260lbs and only 5'4". Like most I have been on many diets and have had success only to regain all that I have lost plus more. 10 years ago, about the time I met my husband to be, I dieted and lost over 100lbs. I felt and looked great(145LBS), but the whole time I was loosing my motivations were, what I feel now, skewed. I was loosing so I could show "everybody" I could do it, I told myself I would just date, have fun, make old boyfriends regret not merrying me, reasons like that. I felt great physically but mentally not myself. I almost felt too free. Then I met my husband and being thin felt even more uncomfortable mentally. Other Men would approach me and that felt unsafe somehow. I have had some sexual abuse by an uncle and this could have a part in these feelings. But sence that time of normal weight, after getting married to my wonderful husband and imediate pregnancy, I gained all of my weight back. Sence then I have lost 70lbs here and there but struggle when men start noticing me and commenting on my looks. Its allmost as if I run back to the protection that being fat offers (as if there is any). I always gain the weight back. I am sure that this is only a small fraction of the whole picture as to why I can't keep the weight off. But because I recoqnize it as a factor, and If I get my surgery I want to be fully sucessfull, I need answers. I want to deal with this issue head on and win the battle! Do you have any sugestions for me?.    — sherry L. (posted on February 13, 2000)

February 12, 2000
HI! This sounds so familiar to me. I am so glad you had the courage to ask. I will await any sage advise from our professional people out there. With tears of understanding in my eyes. Thank you again for posting.
   — Jeannette C.

February 13, 2000
I am so glad that you posted this question, Sherry. I am also a victim of childhood sexual abuse that I believe contributed to my being heavy for most of my life. Luckily, I go counseling during college and afterward that allowed me to confront the perpetrator, get rid of any shame or guilt, and not let it have such a controlling factor over my life. Now I am very motivated to lose weight due to future health concerns and self-love. Counseling helped me and it might help you face those fears all sexual abuse victims have.
   — kris R.

February 13, 2000
Your post sounds like I typed it. I believe you problem is totally due to your uncle. There was a sick uncle molester in my family but I have no memory of him bothering me. I was around him alot though as a child. I have every sign of symptom of a sexually abused person but just honestly can't say I was. But as a thin young adult, I was date raped, stalked for 1 1/2 years, and kidnapped from a grocery store, and multiple other things . All by different people. I had post tramatic stress disorder for 7years and now take medicine to control my fear. I gradually gained great amounts of wieghtthru the 7 years and all the sudden no more problems with weirdos. I have a great fear of having to be around men in general except my husband. Now my greatest fear is how I will handle being petite again. I'm only 5'0. My weightloss is slower than I thought it would be and sometimes wonder if this isn't because of what's in my head about the whole thing. But I got to lose wieght or have a heart attack. The only suggestion I have for you is to get a counselor. Sometimes churchs have free counselors that will just listen to you. And go every week. Maybe even 2 couselors. And make sure they are female to take the stress off you. It has helped me a great deal. But don't get a counselor that wants you to relive your past unless you are ready too. Talk about the present you, not the past. I could not handle my pass and almost went nuts to the extreme. Talking about now helped me tremendously.
   — [Anonymous]

February 13, 2000
I know exactly what you mean. I to had incidence with sexual abuse although it was only once it was my father.I am sure that left a distrust in me or men that has been with me my whole life. There were other incidence of men that were suppose to be my family (foster) and friends who came on to me sexually and I know that added to my fear of getting to close to men. I do have a wonderful husband and we have been married for 25 years and he has never let me down. I have finally at age 55 become confident enough in myself to deal with the head problems. I am ready to lose weight now, don't think at my age I will have many men just falling all over themselves to have me. I hope it doesn't take you this long to deal with the problem. Counseling one on one probably would help or join a support group if there is one in your area. Good luck!
   — Jeanie W.

February 13, 2000
I was also abused by my father for several years. I have had these same fears about becoming attractive. I have worked with a counselor for several years overcoming some of my issues. My advice would be; do not put your life on hold like I did waiting until you feel you are ready to deal with it. I did that and now feel that I wasted a lot of time I could have spent enjoying my life. What I failed to realize until this year is that if you put your life on hold because of fear, you are also cheating yourself out of much joy. No one deserves this. You are never going to know if you can deal with it until it happens. I would suggest that you get a good counselor to help you deal with this.
   — Pamela J. K.

February 18, 2000
I have some of the same fears you have regarding being thin and attractive after WLS. It scares me to death. I too was sexually abused but by my father. I feel like alot of my weight issues parallel the abuse. I struggle with non existance self esteem. My choices in relationships were worse than the abuse from my father. So I havent had any kind of relationship for many years. I was told once by someone from this site that we gain the weight to "hide our genitals" if you will. I agree with that. I have been through counseling from the time I reached puberty...and I still struggle to this day. Im 34 and have been in and out of counseling for 22 years. I wear an extra 150 pound parka that protects me and losing that really frightens me. I totally understand your fears. I think the answer may lie with continued counseling. I know that as I get closer to having a surgery date I will need to explore those issues again and hopefully once and for all...all I know is that I want the surgery for me...for me only..for my health, my peace of mind, myself. Never in my life have I been selfish until now. I want it for ME!!!!
   — oktobejenn

August 19, 2000
This site is such a blessing! I have found so many in my position, from dealing with obesity issues to emotional issues that exacerbated my life-long battle. I am a survivor of sexual and physical abuse, and grateful to claim that position. There is hope! I rather equate fat as a 'comfortable cushion' that insulates us emotionally. How many reading this can relate to being upset and sitting down to eat, only to realize that as you ate, the more you ate, you just felt NUMB? No more anger, hurt or conflict -- Just a numbness? Does abuse play a role in our relationship to food? YES! But it's a false security, and I think that is what we have learned here, as we look into surgery and ways to regain ourselves. Therapy taught me so many things about abuse and how we carry it through out lives, how it molds us and shapes our adult image. I was shocked to learn how my 'idiosyncracies' actually fit a text-book depiction of abuse: Overweight, promiscuous, challenging/rebellious, compulsive, 'hedonistic'... Not a pretty picture, is it? I spent years being self-destructive and never realized! As for losing weight, I welcome the chance to find that person I was robbed of so many years ago -- She has a right to be seen and I have the right to know her better. I have a choice: I can lose weight and rediscover ME and find the woman I was MEANT to be, or I can go on exhisting in the broken remains of past abuse. I prefer to forge ahead -- There is more to life than self-loathing, a permeating sense of failure and hopelessness... Life is too short for that. Best of luck to everyone who relates to that mind set!!!
   — Michelle F.