Question:
Obese spouse negative on surgery
My wife, whom I love very, very much was supportive up until I got my approval and surgery date. Then she became very upset and found every reason why it couldn't be done now. Five years ago it was because she was going back to get her masters degree and she wouldn't have time to help me. I'm wondering if because she is slightly obese that she is afraid of my becoming slim and some how not wanting to be with her. No chance of that ever happening after 21 years of marriage. But she is somewhat insecure. I finally told her, as I did when we started the process, that unless we were in agreement on the surgery, I would not have it. So today I will be cancelling my surgery. — Glenn O. (posted on November 18, 2004)
November 18, 2004
Sometimes you have to do for yourself. You can't always do what she wants
you to do. My husband told me that he would not make the decision for me
but what ever I chose he would stand by me. If you are like me - I needed
it for my health. I had high blood pressure, border line diabetic and the
doctor also told me that it cut so many years off my life by being over
weight. I don't agree with your wife because I think you have to make this
decision for yourself and she should accept which decision you make.
Tracie
— Tracie W.
November 18, 2004
I understand what you are saying. Although I am not married, I felt that
way when I boyfriend had his surgery. I had mine a few weeks before he had
his. To a point, I still worry about that, even though I am losing my
weight. It might be something that the two of you need to sit down and
talk about. Easing her fears will help you ease your own.
Lisa
— LTruesdale1980
November 18, 2004
I encourage you to not cancel! Espically if you have serious co morbidities
that surgery will help. Look working in a hospital you see what can go
wrong. She is likely afraid you might die. If your marriage is good before
surgery it tends to get better. but bad martriages do tend to end. does she
know any happy healthy post ops down a 100 pounds? you both need to attend
support groip meetings, and take a postie to dinner, it will help a lot.
Being MO takes a average of 15 years off a 40 year old male. Of she truly
loves you she will want you around longer:) Barb thopmpson wrote that book
finding the thin person within you, it has a special chapter for spouses.
Jen my wife wasnt supportive at all initially. Slowly she came around and
had surgery herself. If youir wife is close to heavy enough for surgery
herself, she might fear getting drug along too.
— bob-haller
November 18, 2004
Hi Glenn;
I understand you wanting to be in complete agreement,with your wife,whom
you love so much.If you really feel you need to cancel your surgery,do it
for yourself,and not to make somebody else happy.You,as a human being have
every right to be happy.Even,if it makes somebody else not so happy.I had
RNY surgery,and it did not make my parents so happy;but in the end they
were ecstatic.I had to have surgery,because if I didn't I would die
FAT.And,at least if I had surgery,and something went wrong;at least I knew
I died trying to be thin.As for my husband,he has supported me thru out our
17 years of marriage.I really hope your wife,and you can make amends.This
surgery,is the best thing I ever did for me,and especially my family.Take
care,and GOD BLESS you,and your family.
Sarah M 7/30/04
— sarahmartinez2409
November 18, 2004
PLEASE!!! Do Not cancel your surgery. you will regret it, and perhaps
someday resent your wife for making you cancel it. You have to take
responsablity for your own happiness. Explain to her that you are not
happy with yourself and want to do something to get you on the right
course. You being happy will make you a better husband. I'm sure she
wants you to be happy. She's probably very scared first of all. Take her
to a support group meeting, let her meet people who've actually had the
surgery, and families of those who've had it. Have her talk to your
surgeon, educate her on the surgery if you haven't already. Good luck to
you. :-)
— KellyJeanB
November 18, 2004
Don't let her mainpulate you. Your life depends on this.
— mrsmyranow
November 18, 2004
Please do not cancel your surgery, you will one day regret that. I would
hope that your choice to have this surgery was for yourself, your health.
A bit of a twist is my situation, my husband was very supportive, but now
with only 40 more pounds to lose my husband does nothing but complain, say
I am selfish since I have lost all this weight. The bottom line is he is
insecure, the same as your wife. Its your life.....do the surgery, do it
for YOU. :)
— debbiecoyne
November 18, 2004
My DH was the exact same way. I told him I'm doing it and its MY life. If I
would have listen to himl I would be 125 pounds heavier (or more) No flat
stomach and no perky boobs. He fought the wls and plastic surgeries. He is
really happy now and has seen that I didn't change or leave him. Now I'm
going around with him with Lasik surgery, that I AM having tomorrow. He
worries about everything! Don't cancel, you'll regret it.
— ZZ S.
November 18, 2004
Your wife is being very selfish. My boyfriend didn't agree with surgery
either (we aren't married but we live together). I told him with our
without him I was doing this for myself. I have to wake up in this painful
body everyday, not him.
— Shayna T.
November 18, 2004
Hello,
I went thur the same thing 5/7/03.My husband fought this tooth and
nail.The he did not call or even show up at the hospital till it was time
for me to go home.In the 18 years we have been married he never went to
shaker bars or bars in general because he new how I felt about that kind of
thing. Weeks before I had surgery he started going to shaker bars.Doing
everthing and saying mean things to hurt me.Said we needed to seperate.It
nearly made me change my mind.I was sick for weeks over what was going
on.Then I decided this was for me.He still complains that I need to work
harder on my nutrition and take better care of myself,still says I should
not have done it.But after I got out we had to drive around 3 hours home.He
went and rented a caddy so my ride would be smoother.He went into Walgreens
to buy my meds he came out with a stuffed animal that sings I love you.It
took him 2 months before he said he was sorry for being mean and being a
*ss and for hurting me.Now at 144 lbs he is proud to point me out to
others,He tells them he don't need to go to bars when I have her at home.He
also found out that I'm not looking for any one else.I understand you want
total agreement.But in the end you have to decide.Everone here will give
you great advice so take what you need and leave the rest.I will be praying
for you and your wife.Lots of luck and GOD bless.
Robin
— madbird
November 18, 2004
Think real hard before you cancel! Make sure it's what YOU need to do.
Your wife may be afraid you will die in surgery or it could be the jealousy
thing too.
You have a disease and you are seeking treatment. Would she object to your
being treated for a broken leg? Or pneumonia? Would she expect you to
wait for her to complete her PHD? Sounds like you have been waiting long
enough already.
— PattyL
November 18, 2004
Funny thing. I first heard of surgery one night on TV. It was about the CBS
morning show, this pittsburgh lady was going in for surgery the next
morning. Well we are now friends. The funny part is her hubby a surgeon
himself was 100% against her having it. <P> Today he is thrilled she
did it against hus wishes.
— bob-haller
November 18, 2004
Please don't cancel your surgery because someone else isn't happy with your
decision! You should be making this decision based on what is right for you
and your body. If your wife can't be supportive of the decision you make,
that is her problem. If you have a heart attack and die she will be mad at
you for NOT having the surgery. I have lost 147 pounds in 22 months and I
can honestly tell you it was the best thing I have ever done for MYSELF. I
love the new me and so does my husband and family. They were scared with
the decision I made, but they left the final decision up to me. I think
you should do the same. Go for it! I will be praying for you. Elanda
— Elanda
November 18, 2004
I would recommend marriage counseling to get to the root of what her
concerns are. They might be more complicated than she is able to articulate
right now.
— Yolanda J.
November 19, 2004
Have you sat down with your wife and talked to her, honestly and openly,
about what your life is like? Have you showed her all your research?
Brought her here and let her read over profiles and posts? Asked her what
she's so afraid of? Let her know how important this is to you and to your
future together? Given her a chance to examine her feelings? Counseling
is a good idea; so is an open and honest discussion with your wife.
Spousal support is irreplaceablel, but as others have said, at the end of
the day, you must do what is right for Glenn.
— Jeanie
November 19, 2004
Maybe you should cancel right now and go into counseling. It's not just
that she has a problem with it, maybe you need to reevaluate why you would
let someone control you that much. I was very determined to be healthy and
live longer, no one could stop me and my husband and family tried. This is
not a simple surgery I had to make some major life style changes. I think
you are too quick to give up on yourself and you need to find out why. I
was married 28 years and our whole life changed. No more sugar pop junk
etc in the house.
We are very happy but both of us went to individual counselors for 2 years.
I worry more about your attitude than her's ...maybe this is an easy way
out of having surgery ..just a thought. best wishes to you
— debmi
November 19, 2004
The basic issue here is are you at a point where you consider your weight
life-threatening? If not, then you need to re-evaluate your reasons for
the surgery. If you are and you're considering giving up because your wife
won't support this, I would recommend some means of finding out why she's
so against it--because giving up could put your health and your life in
serious jeopardy. You have to do what's right for your situation and
nobody here can evaluate that. Best wishes.
— Cathy S.
November 19, 2004
I am apalled that you are letting her run your life! Say it like it is she
is jeolous and that is all there is to it. If she cared so much she would
want you to get this to help you. I sincerely hope you do not cancel for
her sake. Do you know how many people would like to be where you are and
being approved???? Good luck and please think about YOU>
— Deb S.
November 19, 2004
Please do not cancel your surgery. Just sit down and talk to your best
friend (your wife) and find out what the problem is. If she truly cares
about your health she will talk to you. Maybe she is afraid of the
complications that are possible. Anyway, please reconsider.
— Ann Chevalier
November 20, 2004
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT cancel your surgery. I hap lap and there was
nothing to it and I could have taken care of myself. My Dad passed away
while I was in the hospital and we had the visitation at the funeral home
and the the funeral and it was a piece of cake as far as the surgery was
concerned. Your insurance might not approve another one. Do this for
yourself, your wife got her degrees for herself, didn't she?
— juju524
November 20, 2004
Everyone plays a role in every relationship....Be prepared that bc this
surgey changes who you are, it could and will change your relationship.
Divorce is very common after this surgery but very common in the general
population as well. You need to be 100% SELFISH WITH REGARD TO THIS
SURGERY AND YOUR COMMITMENT TO IT! If you cannot and she may sabatoge your
chances, you may want to want to consider conuseling or leaving her. You
need to do this for yourself. I don't want to sound harsh, but, the people
who have the hardest time with this surgery are the obese. Ask any post op
and I guarantee their obese or overweight friends gave them the hardest
time.
— heathercross
November 20, 2004
I hate to hear that you are cancelling your surgery. Maybe you should
reapproach the subject with her and tell her how you feel and why you want
the surgery. My spouse showed his jealous right up front so we could deal
with it before the first appointment. I hate to see you cancel again,
because you are not going to be happy with youself. Stand up a make a
decision that will help you. If she thinks that your losing the weight will
cause you to leave her then it sound like she wants you to be over weight
so that you will stay.... now does that sound like a perfect situation? Let
her know that you need her and that with your losing weight you and she can
together trim down.
Love always fights, but death always wins and being obese can and will lead
to an early death. Think about it.
— coolauntsha
December 11, 2004
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope she has changed her mind. I am mother of
one obese persin and wife of another, and bran new to this site and this
idea. I hope my loved ones would never cancel a life saving proceedure
becasue of a problem I had with it. I hope they would help me resolve the
issue. I am so scared for both my husband and daughter I have begun to
have serious stress problems. You are right I think in wanting it to be a
team effort, but please do what you can to help your spouse.
— Connie N.
December 12, 2004
I know from personal experience that when my husband lost a lot of weight
thru dieting I was afraid, of losing him , that he wouldn't want fat me
when he was looking so good himself. It was one thing I gave consideration
to when having surgery, I wanted to be healthy and attractive too. He had
definate reservations when I told him I was considering surgery, fear that
it was too drastic or would harm me. he chose to be supportive after
learning more. He would never have told me what to do or not to do. It
helped when he talked to someone he knew who had lost a lot of weight thru
surgery. Now he is so supportive. I have lost all the weight and had some
plastic surgery , still need more and having trouble coming up with the
money. He even offered to sell his 1989, 25th anniversary collectors
edition Mustang convertable and give me the money. NO WAY in heck could I
take that money for anything, told him do not sell the car. I tell you this
to say, your spouse may come around, hang in there and show her lots of
LOVE, give her reassurance that you love her and want her. I think she may
be more scared than anything.
— **willow**
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