Question:
Could someone please explain this to me. realtionship ended
My boyfriend and I of 4 years have split up. We met when I was at my heaviest and things started to go downhill after my surgery. He told me that he did not want me to get this surgery and that he misses the meek, humble fat girl he used to have. He has even told me that I need $45,000 more dollars done to have my body fixed. Can someone please tell me where I went wrong. I am very happy with my 124lb weight loss and I figured he would be too. Has this happened to anyone else? Thank you for letting me get this out. — Marti M. (posted on July 12, 2004)
July 12, 2004
First off what I w ould like to say is he should be happy for you if this
was what you wanted to do for yourself.
The second thing is for you to remember why you did this was it to get
healthy or to be a thin little thing? Most of us do it for our health and
if you do become this thin thing it is a bonus. Remember there are many men
out there and he was the one with the problem not you. You will find
someone who loves you for you.
— Rosemary L.
July 12, 2004
Remember that alot of men like BBW. And maybe that is his problem.
Although Size should not impact our relationships it does. My Fiance was
with me from 262 all the way to 327 when I had my Lap RNy. Eventhough I
wanted to be healty again I was very scared. He stuck by me at my heaviest
and now through my healhiest. We have issues and that is why I am
responding. Rememeber that weater you are thin or heavy there is always
someone out there looking a partner. You just now have to begin the
process all over. But do not worry. Everything happens for a reason and
when you least expect it you will find Mr. right. He will just fall into
you lap as my Wonderful Fiance fell right into mine. God works in
misterious ways. Keep the faith and be greatful that you are healthy now.
Your time will come for Love and even more happiness!~
— CAROL LEE
July 12, 2004
I'll tell you where you went wrong - you picked this loser to begin with!
Why do you think you did something "wrong" by getting healthy? He
likes you meek? Girl, re-read your post. The answer is there. You are
better off without him. Get some self-respect and move on!
— Angie M.
July 12, 2004
First of all congratulations on your success, you should be very proud of
your accomplishments. As far as your boyfriend goes, you basically answered
your own question in your question...he says he wants the "meek"
"humble" fat girl back. Well, you aren't that person anymore.
Please do not confuse how many years you have spent with him as investing
alot into your relationship. It took alot of courage to take the WLS step,
now you need to take a deep breath and realize this man is not the right
man for you. He should love you 500 pounds or 100 pounds, no matter what
and if he doesn't....move on... because, YOU deserve better! It's a sad
thing to see so much time invested into a relationship, but just as you
came to the conclusion that you wanted to have WLS to "better your
life" you need to keep on that track and "better your life"
in every other way, and that means finding someone who is deserving of you.
This man sounds like if you did stay with him, he could be your worst
"sabatoger". Find it in yourself to move on and make no
apologies for your decision.
Good luck to you!
Sherry S
— sac287
July 12, 2004
Honey, your boyfriend has the problem, not you! If you are with someone
because they are a particular "size," whether it be fat or thin,
that is a problem. If you are not with someone for the "person"
they are, then the relationship is doomed from the start. I'm sorry, but
if he can't be happy that you are now healthy and feeling so much better,
then he's nothing but a big boob! You haven't lost a thing, sweetie. Now
you're free to look for someone who can appreciate the whole person. Best
wishes.
— Carlita
July 12, 2004
It sounds like your boyfriend has alot of insecurities and that he felt
better about himself when he was with the "fat and meek"
girlfriend. He is probably threated by the new you and sometimes no amount
of reassurance is going to change that. I've read that divorce among
couples where one had the WLS is very high. Then again, perhaps he just
prefers "big" women, some guys do. Whatever the case, it is his
problem and not yours. You have done nothing wrong, other than assume that
someone who cares for you would be happy that you took steps to improve
your health. I'm sorry, sweetie, especially if you cared about this guy,
and I know 4 years is a definite investment of your time, but truthfully,
you are better off without him.
— Cindy R.
July 12, 2004
Let me just share a guy's perspective. Too often we (men, that is) hide
from our own sense of insecurity-- we ignore all those issues that require
our self-improvement. After all, as the evolutionary hunters and gathers,
it's kind of hard to spear a wooly mammoth and read a self-help book at the
same time. If we can suppress the wealth of insecurites that frame us long
enough, we usually luck out and find someone who loves us. Now, many of us
being slightly delusional, we are convinced that women never really figure
out our insecurities and we tend to convince ourselves that you only see
the image that we want to project to the world. But, think what you did
when you had your surgery--- you figured out a serious problem you had and
decided upon a solution that, despite its risk, would lead to an improved
quality of life for you. In many relationships that improved life is a
wonderful gift that is shared. In other relationships, the improving party
is merely a reminder of how inadquate the other person's life is and how
much change is needed in the other's life. So, it's sad, but for the
insecure boyfriend in your life, it was a heck of a lot easier to deal with
some heartbreak and lonliness rather than confront his own insecurities and
his own need for self-improvement. That being said, you truly are better
off without the unsupportive lout-- the last thing any of us need is
someone in our lives waiting to undermine our success and eager to cheer
if we fail. You deserve better.
— SteveColarossi
July 12, 2004
I told my hubby your story and he gave a priceless response. He said
"he must not have loved her to start with very well to give up
now". Honey you are a precious person and you don't have to settle
for someone who would treat you like this. Concentrate on getting healthy
and I'd wager to think that you will find someone deserving of your love!
Hang in there and don't let someone who would give up this easy dent your
self-esteem.
— Cathy S.
July 12, 2004
sounds to me like what you did was lose some weight, gain some self
confidence and not let him push you around like the meek, humble fat girl.
Good for you. I had an ex who was with me when I was fat. He alwys called
me a fat pig. Then when I got tired of it and left, he found an even bigger
woman. He finally admitted that he had a problem with his self esteem, or
lack thereof. So I would say the problem is his and you should move on and
find someone who will truly love you. Best wishes.
— Donna F.
July 12, 2004
Nothing went wrong... he was "wrong" already. When you were MO,
("meek" and "humble"! Yikes!!) he could control you.
I'm sure he had alot of power in the relationship. Now, he's not in
control, you have other options other than him, and he can't stand that.
That really says something about his character, and it's not anything good.
Find someone who loves you for you, not for how much control they have
over you. My dh loved me fat, and loves me thin, and it didn't make a bit
of difference in our relationship.
— mom2jtx3
July 12, 2004
Screw him! I just separated from my husband in October after 11 years
together. Get this...he cheated on me with three different women...all
married w/children, fat and ugly to boot. I don't get it. I guess some
men prefer women that are easier to control and willing to do anything to
feel accepted and loved. Not anymore! I am loving my new life and have'em
taking numbers to be with me. ME! From what I read, this happens a lot but
we all know who the sorry ones are in the end. Keep your chin up.
— boonikki29
July 12, 2004
Marti ~ life can be hard and sometimes hard to figure out. Especially when
it is happening to you. All of the previous posters have given you valuable
and consistent advice. You have begun respecting yourself and, when there
are others around you that didn't respect you when you were MO, now they
are terribly uncomfortable. Sometimes those around you will be able to
adjust, some won't. You cannot control how others will react to you. The
only thing that you can do is control how you will react to others. So,
when your boyfriend of 4 years tries everything to undermine your journey
to a better, healthier you and then you split up? And then you ask yourself
'what did YOU did wrong?'. Stop right now and please ask this question to
yourself again. And be HONEST with yourself. My future concern is that you
may find another person who will not be as supportive as what they should
be - you may need to seek some counseling and/or do some reading. Many of
us MO people (certainly me) have self-esteem issues and emotional
baggage/garbage that must be dealt with for long-term success. In my
opinion and many others, it is a wonderful thing that you don't have this
person around you now. If you are still unattached, try to stay unattached
for the next year and give that year to working on the you that is inside,
waiting to yell and shout and wear bright clothes and just be silly. When
you allow yourself to make only choices for YOURSELF and stop thinking what
other people will think or want, you will begin to be truly liberated.
THEN, when you meet someone new, you will be bringing your entire self into
a relationship, instead of just pieces and parts. I myself have been with
my DH for 15 years (4 married) and, while he is very supportive, he is
continually confused by my moods and sometimes says how B*tchy I can be.
While I agree that I can say things in a horrid tone (especially when I
feel that I am not being heard), the CONTENT of what I am saying is pure,
unadulterated honesty. That can be painful and he doesn't want to hear it.
It's easier to blame things on hormones than deal with the true issues.
Well, now I am shouting - before, I often 'swallowed' my feelings. I know
that if I go back to 'swallowing' my feelings then I will go back to
'swallowing' more food. I know this with 100% of my being. Now, I firmly
believe that he is up to this challenge and so am I. What I am working on
is being able to direct these emotions in a more calm manner, instead of
being so defensive/aggressive. I want to be able to speak like adults to
one another. I bring this up A LOT in our household. As a matter of fact, I
sat down with my DH and 16yr old step-son last night and had a long talk
with/to them. They may or may not get it figured out, but I am no longer
going to be an ENABLER to my own misery. If I am upset, then I am going to
say that I am and why I am. If I can make some changes, then I will. I
refuse to be a victim or to feel like a victim. I am in charge of my life
and I wish the same for you. If there are those around you that can't keep
up, that is their problem, NOT yours. Best of luck on your journey. Jodie
Lap Rny 05-02-03 336/156/??
— Jodie P.
July 13, 2004
I agree with most of the answers, except the one that used "fat and
ugly" but people like to associate those two words too often. His
security was your weight, now that you've taken that away he feels
threaten. If he loves you, he'll work through it & encourage you, if
he does not chances are you'll be looking for a new boyfriend.
— Anna M.
July 14, 2004
I haven't read any of theb other answers, but your question made me so mad,
I had to get on here to say something. Your boyfriend is an
"ASS", and you're 1000% off better w/o the LOSER. He is an abuser
big time, and only wants someone he can push around, and make do what he
wants. He couldn't handle a REAL woman. Men like this make me sick. He will
never find someone that really loves him, he is too chauvinistic,
demanding, and has to be the boss (couldn't thinnk of right word). Please
find a REAL man that you've deserved for a long time, (even when you were
bigger). You don't have to settle for this. He is a LOSER in the worst
sense of the word. Thank God you broke up!! Mr Right is out there waiting
for you. GO out and find him now!!! Best wishes on your exciting future.
There are tons more CLASSY fish in the sea!!
— bufordslipstick
July 14, 2004
I thought about your predicament and something else occurred to me. None
of us can possibly know the real situation you're in, but one of two things
is going on. (1) He's a jerk and he only loved you when you were what he
called 'the meek, humble fat girl' or (2) He's so incredibly intimidated by
your weight loss that he's consciously or unconsciously doing things to
piss you off before he thinks you'll leave him--which means he's got
incredibly low self-esteem. So bottom line is you have to decide--is your
relationship worth saving. If it is, get some help and get it done and if
it's not, then get out while the getting is good and find someone really
deserving of your love.
— Cathy S.
July 15, 2004
Great advice you're getting here and congrats on the weight loss! Just
wanted to say that you can lose even more weight by permanently dumping
this loser and moving on with your life. You deserve (as do all of us) to
be loved and respected for who you are and not what you look like. Good
luck and here's a (((((HUG))))).
— lizinPA
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