Question:
Who else is struggling after WLS to keep their marriage together?
I didn't know about the statistic. I've read the posting for this question, and it's like everyone is talking about me. It will be 2 years in October since the surgery. I've hit my goal weight and passed it by 20lbs. I'm now trying to keep weight on. That's another story. In the meantime, I'm miserable. I'm trying to deal with the "new" attention, I still see myself as "overweight". I get frustrated shopping because there are too many choices. I still, two years later, overeat and end up throwing up. I like to be in control and i'm not which is driving me crazy and on top of that i'm not sure I want to remain in my marriage. My husband is supportive of my decisions. Always has been, but it seems now that i'm "thin" all of those things I tolerated when I was "fat" are DRIVING ME UP A WALL and he won't address them. He does not help around the house. He does not iron, he does not cook, he washes the dishes half assed so that I have to come back behind him and do them again, he does no grocery shopping and when I do send him to pick items up he comes back with the wrong thing EVERY TIME so that I end returning them and repurchasing the correct items. He will not pick up a broom, he will not push a vacuum cleaner. He will not wipe a counter, wash a wall....I think I can stop here. I work 45 - 50 hours a week at my office and come home to clean in the last hours of the night. That is after I spend 2 1/2 with our son playing, feeding, washing and putting him to bed. You all know where this is going. OK. He has not changed since we married. He is the same person, but i'm not. I'm not the same person. I want to go out. Not just to dinner or to shows, but hiking and bike riding. He won't do it. I've talked, I've cried, I've yelled, I've screamed. It's not working. At this point, even though I love him, I don't like him and I'm afraid that line between those two feelings is crumbling fast. Our son is 3 1/2 years old. I don't want him to be in a household without both parents, but I hate who i've become when i'm around my husband and I know he sees it and senses the strain. We both love him terribly, and it's all about our son everyday. The thing is, i'd like to have a little happiness too, and if my husband is not willing, I don't want to stay. For the record i'm 38 and he's 49. We've been married 5 years tomorrow. We don't sleep in the same room. That was because of his snoring which got worse when he went from 180lbs to 260lbs. He is 5'7". He won't exercise and he DOESN'T want "THIS" surgery. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of having my stomach in a knot. My blood pressure is high. I am stressed beyond belief. I'm depressed and on Prozac. The thing that hurts the most is that i'm about to become a statistic. I've failed at my marriage, and I failed because I wanted to be happier. It sounds selfish to my ears. — Ruth W. (posted on September 20, 2003)
September 20, 2003
Ruth, You didn't fail. The marriage may have failed but it is not just
you. It takes two, and you can't be married by yourself. Try talking to
your pastor or a conselor if he refuses to try to save the marriage then
know that it is better for your son to be with you and you be happy than
w/you and your husband and both parents miserable.
I hope things work out for you but if not I will keep you in my thoughts
and prayers. If you would like feel free to email me. It's
[email protected]
— Tammy H.
September 20, 2003
YOU SOUND LIKE ME 8 YEARS AGO! i care deeply about all my AMOS
friends...sooo i want you to know i mean this with love. you have only
written about the things HE does and doesn't do. what do YOU do and don't
do? do you want to leave a supportive loving husband(i gather from what you
wrote) because he won't help you clean the house or go on a hike? are you
using your improvements to point out all of his weaknesses? do you think
the more you point out what a mess up he is the worse he feels about
himself and has gained weight? i understand how hard it is to work and
then have to come home and clean and take care of children( i have 2). why
don't you split the house work , he does it monday, you tues, him wed
ect... i know that sounds kind of lame right now because when i was so
depressed i wanted everything to be "right" and if it wasn't i
would curl up on the bed and cry. i did get help. i went to therapy and was
on prozac for 1 1/2 years( that was a couple years ago). are you getting
therapy along with the prozac? i really do understand your pain right now
because i was going thur the same exact thing.i thought my husband was
trying to drive me nuts by being a slob. haha but he wasn't. it's just that
his "idea" of clean is much different than mine lol. we each
picked a room that was our job to keep clean. it made this sooooo much
better. with men sometimes it's like telling a 3 year old to clean their
room , they have no idea where to start so do nothing. i am so glad i
stayed with my husband. we have been married 12 years and the difference is
like night and day from how it was. now i am more layed back and much
happier...my whole family is happier too. best of luck to you.
— franbvan
September 20, 2003
ask yourself this question: If you split up today, and he finds someone
else, will you be okay with that or will it hurt you? Make sure you really
want to let go b/c someone else WILL want your husband sooner or later and
you will have to deal with that too. Best of luck
— loisph
September 20, 2003
I think your points are valid. Life is short. If the changes you want don't
occur then go. Don't stay for your son, leave and show him what a man is
suppose to be like. Dad is setting a bad example.As for the last
response.......junk doesn't turn into gold with another owner. Junk is
junk.
— Angela S.
September 20, 2003
Two years is not really a long time to deal with the new you, much less the
old him. Don't make big changes in the midst of big changes. My mentor
aand wise woman friend has told me a gajillion times - "Live your
life". After 5 years, I am just starting to understand. Right now
just work on you. Get help with the house. Take a mothers day out. Get
into counseling. Work on not binging and throwing up. Go bike riding,
walking, hiking, make new friends, just LIVE YOUR LIFE. After you you take
care of you, you are living a life that is sane, healthy and active, then
reaccess the situation. I had the same problem, but my husband saw me
living my life and decided he didn't want to be the "living "
anymore. As long as I was trying to get him to live, I wasn't living mine.
— Susan H.
September 20, 2003
Two years is not really a long time to deal with the new you, much less the
old him. Don't make big changes in the midst of big changes. My mentor
and wise woman friend has told me a gajillion times - "Live your
life". After 5 years, I am just starting to understand. Right now
just work on you. Get help with the house. Take a mothers day out. Get
into counseling. Work on not binging and throwing up. Go bike riding,
walking, hiking, make new friends, just LIVE YOUR LIFE. After you you take
care of you, you are living a life that is sane, healthy and active, then
reaccess the situation. I had the same problem, but my husband saw me
living my life and decided he didn't want to be the "un-living"
anymore. As long as I was trying to get him to live, I wasn't living mine.
— Susan H.
September 21, 2003
Susan has given you excellent advice. Follow it. I gave my husband (my
marriage) a second chance, went on with life on my own while still staying
with him, and he is coming around in ways I never thought possible. Good
luck to you.
— Anna L.
September 22, 2003
Hi Ruth, I wanted to say, that I am very sorry that you are hurting and
upset right now. I know that dealing with the emotional stress of a
career, family, and household is not easy to cope with at times, along with
the added emotional changes of WLS. I am not in your shoes, when it comes
to the marriage issue. My marriage prior to WLS was wonderful, and post WLS
it's even better. But, what I can say is, go out and make time for you!
Go by yourself. Get your nails done, get a massage, hire a maid for a
week. Make some time for you! It is so worth it. I too work full time,
and we have an 11 month old daughter, who everything revolves around. But,
just every 2 weeks or so, I just take one day (usually Saturday afternoon)
and I go shopping, or get my nails & toes done, something. And, it's
just my little time for me. You would be suprised how different your moods
are. I know because, I am going through some serious head issues right now
dealing with the afterlife of WLS, and my time, makes me sane. Maybe once,
your hubby sees, that you are much calmer and relaxed, he just might come
around. Or maybe, if you just sat down with him one night after the baby
is in bed, and ask him if something is wrong. I truly believe
communication is the key to any marriage, because fighting and tension,
only adds to the resentment later. I am sorry this is so long, I hope that
things look up soon! God Bless! :)
— EHarding
September 22, 2003
Hi Ruth, My husband doesn't do anything either. He was that way before
surgery, and is that way today. He eats ridiculous amounts of food and I am
waiting for him to drop dead of a heart attack. Even so, I can't see myself
without him. I am with the others, take time for yourself. My husband won't
clean after himself, I explained he didn't marry a maid - so I hired a
maid. The maid service comes once every 3 weeks and this stress is now
reduced. He complained once, and I reminded him that if he would clean up
after himself we wouldn't need a maid (this was before surgery). He has
said nothing since. I leave the room when he pigs out on food - so do our
teen and adult kids. I have tried everything to get him to stop inhaling
food, but it doesn't work, so I leave and don't let it stress me out
anymore (he's MO). WLS doesn't make us happy, we have to make ourselves
happy. You do deserve happiness too, but you need to go and grab the
happiness. If you don't you'll focus on the problems. Go hiking, go find
things to do. Join a support group or some other group. Check with your
library for book clubs. If he won't go with you, take time for yourself and
go on your own. You shouldn't need his permission to have a life. Best
regards-
— M B.
September 22, 2003
I know there are a lot of people out there that won't like this response,
but here goes. I was a single mom for 10 years while working full
time(6-70 hours a week) and taking care of my son. Guess what? I had to
come home and be a mom, dad, chaufer, gardener, housekeeper, mechanic,
tutor, you know the drill. Being single didn't change that. Leaving your
husband won't take away any of the chores you have to do now. Leaving him
isn't necessarily the answer. If you love him, he's not abusive to you or
your child, just somewhat lazy...well, it's your choice, but you will still
have to do the dishes and make the beds and by the groceries...there won't
be anyone to do even a less than perfect job of helping. It's hard, but
you have to decide and don't use helping around the house as criteria for
happiness in a relationship or you won't be any happier without him around.
Do as the others have advised...do things for yourself once in a while to
relieve the stress. Good luck and I'll keep you in my prayers...
— Teri D.
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