Question:
Does lossing weight change the type of friends you desire?
I was wondering if anyone else is going thru changes in friends? I have a friend I email regularly. His emails have always been fine. He doesn't know I had surgery. I told him I lost weight by working with a nutritionist. I am glad I did now. He was fine until he saw me in person and noticed my 110 lb weigh lost. He had put on some weight himself. Now I get these rude uncalled for messages when I ask questions or respond to his questions. I know he is jealous. I can lose his friendship if that is the way he is going to be. I have another friend who was my eating out buddy. She is not obese. We don't eat out as often as before and don't enjoy any dessert any longer. She is fine but is clinging on to me. I changed companies and now she wants to work where I do. She even sent the manager an email asking for a job. I don't know if it's me, but I am ready to leave her behind also. What is wrong with me? I have a few other friends who are true friends and I don't want to lose them. Why now at 6 months and 110 lbs less post op do I feel the need to lose some friends. I want friends who can relate and respect me. How can I tell if I have changed--or they have? Have I become a snob? I am still overweight (214 lbs) will I change friends again when I get closer to my goal? I don't want my personality to change. I want the old person just minus the weight. Please help--I am really concerned. — june22 (posted on July 9, 2003)
July 9, 2003
Relax, weight loss affects the people around you, and it will affect you
whether you want it to or not. If you value their friendships, ask them why
they are treating you differently. If not, move on. I find that my heavy
friends are having a hard time coping with my loss even though they know
that they too could have the surgery. My professional collegues suddenly
treat me like I am somehow more intelligent and I am only down 40lbs. I
have noticed that I am more outgoing and I don't shy away from a debate
anymore. Weight loss changes us and those around us.
— M B.
July 9, 2003
WELL, HERE IS MY TAKE ON THIS. I AM 8 MONTHS POST OP AND HAVE LOST 150
POUNDS. I HAD WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A WONDERFUL FRIEND. SHE GOT ME THROUGH THE
SURGERY. SHE ALSO IS OVERWEIGHT. BUT HERE LATELY I HAVE COME TO REALIZE
THAT IT WAS A ONE WAY FRIENDSHIP. I HAD LOW SELF ESTEEM AND LET PEOPLE WALK
ALL OVER ME AND I WON'T ALLOW THAT NOW. I HAVE LET HER GO ON HER OWN WAY
AND IT HAS NOT BOTHERED ME AT ALL. I ASK A QUESTION ABOUT LOOSING FRIENDS
IF YOU WANT TO LOOK UNDER THE LIBRARY. DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU. I ALSO HAVE
WONDERFUL "TRUE" FRIENDS AND THEY ARE THE ONES THAT MATTER TO ME.
YOU ARE NOT BECOMING A SNOB!!! YOU HAVE JUST REALIZED YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT
UP WITH JUNK TO HAVE SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE. I HOPE THIS HELPS. IF YOU WANT
TO EMAIL ME WE CAN TALK. [email protected] CONGRADS ON YOUR WEIGHT LOSS.
HANG IN THERE IT WILL GET BETTER :-) CHRISTY
— CHRISTY F.
July 9, 2003
I believe that we all have certain roles to play in our relationships with
friends. Of my group of 5 core friends, I am (was) the fat one who never
had a boyfriend, never went out , was always available to hang out with,
would listen and help when my friends had problems. Friend A is the drama
queen who is always having a major crisis and always needs help. Friend B
is the beautiful, outgoing, always happy and the life of the party. And so
on and so on... Once I started losing weight and stopped being the
"shut-in", fat friend my role started to change in the group and
that caused a bit of a rift. Luckily, we were able to deal with that and
are still great friends. This will happen to many of us. I think your
role in these relationships has changed and if your friends can't deal with
that then you are right to move on.
— Kristen S.
July 9, 2003
I think it might be like when you revisit your old home town and things are
just not the same anymore - sure it is familiar, but it is also very
different. Some relationships can stand long absences, but for the most
part, if we loose touch with someone things don't get back to the way the
were before (at least in my experience). It is a little sad, but it is
just the way of things. The only thing that is constant is change.
I think you are re-examining your life, your friends, maybe some of your
values, and that is good. The clingy friend may just be attracted by your
success - power is intoxicating - and maybe she has now idealized you -
wants to emulate you. I think if you try to keep a little distance without
seeming to, she will cool off eventually, but if you say anything it will
probably end the relationship - just my opinion.
If you would prefer not to work with her, and have any leeway with your
boss about her working with you - you may want to casually mention that
"familiarity breeds contempt" as in, if you spend enough time
with someone they will eventually get on your nerves, and that it can be
uncomfortable working with friends, and hopefully that won't get in the way
of either of you working there. Maybe hint that you like her just fine,
but too much of a good thing is a bad thing - but that the boss should
obviously make her own decision - you wouldn't want to let this get in the
way of her having a good job. Or, you could let her make her own decisions
about this, and you just react however you feel comfortable.
Best wishes!
— bethybb
July 9, 2003
I think all of the posters have given good answers, however, bravo to Beth
for being so eloquent and insightful. I, too, had friendships that did not
survive my weight loss. It wasn't that I was bad or my friends were bad -
it was simply that I changed. I found that I had built friendships of
foundations that were appropriate at the time but were no longer solid once
I lost weight. I had one friend who actually told me "I guess you
expect me to get my life in order now that you're getting yours in
order". Nothing could have been further from the truth - that thought
had never crossed my mind. Whether we choose to believe it or not - as
obese people we are considered "safe" friends. Our friends may
not even realize they feel that way about us but it's very common. When
we're obese we tend to go out of our way to help people and often take use
or abuse that we'd normally never tolerate. It's all a part of trying so
hard to please everyone. I know that not all obese people are like this
but many, many are. I have grieved the loss of some friends but have
celebrated the survivial of enduring friendships and the birth of new
friendships as well. It's an evolutionary process. I am getting more
self-confident (not snobbish and I know you aren't either) and finally
realizing that I deserve to have good friends. Don't be too hard on
yourself. Best wishes!
— ronascott
July 9, 2003
Ahhh yes, I've been here. I've lost a friend of over 10 years since I've
had surgery. We did EVERYTHING together and talked everyday. She was
overweight herself but I was bigger. I guess I made her look good standing
next to her. She was there for me in the begining and then she slowly
started to stop returning calls, was 'busy' all the time, rude, etc. I
finally sent her an email asking what was going on. She stated that she
would never congratulate me on my weight loss since I didn't 'do it the
natural way'. Okay, whatever! This coming from someone who was right there
with me as I worked out for a 1.5 year and saw NO results as she lost
weight. If she could see me now! I also have been treated different by co
workers; mostly the men. A few of the lawyers who wouldn't give me the time
of day before, chat me up in the elevator, invite me to watch their 'band'
play at a tavern, etc. Hey people, its still ME!! I was also afraid of
becoming a snob and told my friends to kick me in the butt if I did! Your
personality is going thru a change. You have more confidence and that will
definately shows. I've found that some friendships are just not healthy or
they are a negative. Don't want that in my life anymore. Its a good thing!!
— Kris T.
July 9, 2003
Thanks for your responses. I feel much better now. I know that I am
changing. I just didn't think of it as a positive thing. Why do I try so
hard to stay the same person? That person wasn't all that great after all.
I do like the "new" me. I am much more confident and happy.
Why can't our friends see this? My roles in my friendships are changing.
I never thought of it that way. You can't imagine what a relief it is to
know I am not being a snob. I am still the same caring person. I just
won't let people walk all over me anymore. Thank you so much.
— june22
July 9, 2003
I think when we lose weight we gain more confidence in ourselves. I have
(had?) a friendship with a woman from age 11-56. I finally got fed up with
being bullied, not listened to, being mean, and a boatload of other stuff
-- I have decided that if we never speak again that it will not concern me.
Frankly, I feel free now. We change as we grow and that's OK. Sometimes
you just have to take care of yourself! ... and try not to let your friend
work at the same job!
— Betty Todd
July 10, 2003
I am in the process of losing a friendship because of my rapid weight loss.
She has been trying very hard to lose and is only 40 lbs overweight--
seeing me drop 63 lbs in 11 weeks has made her jealous. Maybe it's just me,
but she won't listen or encourage my loss, won't shop with me, etc. And now
that I am her a couple lbs away from her weight, each day is getting more
stressed. The worse part?? We work together. But the way I think about it,
I am happy with the way I look and I work DARN hard at it! I am hitting the
gym every day and water aerobics a couple times a week. IF she is jealous
about my loss, then maybe she should make it to the gym for a change! My
thoughts-- I have a bunch of friends that love to exercise and encourage
each other. I would rather be around someone encouraging than DIScouraging!
— Angela G.
July 10, 2003
hey there. I have noticed that with the gain of confidence, you realize
that there are negative people in your life. You are trying to do good for
yourself, and having negative people surrounding you, you know what and who
you need to let go. I have had to do this myself. I dont feel bad about it
either, kind of feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
— Shavonne P.
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