Question:
What if someone who I inspired to have surgery dies?
I am Wanda Smarts angel. Me and Jen had a nice dinner with Wanda and Jack some months ago. She had previously backed out of surgery, but once we had dinner she said I was her inspiration to go ahead with surgery. Hers was yesterday, and she is having a rough time and is in intensive care with bleeding and breathing problems, but her vitals are OK. Please pray for her and me. If she dies how do I live with myself? Has anyone else had this occur? I worried a LOT about this with Jen, and somehow never gave this possiblity much thought. This isnt worded well sorry, I am totally strung out. — bob-haller (posted on February 12, 2002)
February 12, 2002
Bob, first let me say that you are an inspiration to all of us who read
your daily answers to us pre-op folks questions. You always have good
advice. I don't post often but I am on here daily. I thought about your
question and I have had the same thought. My father is going to have
surgery 2wks after me. I introduced him to WLS. His health is alot worse
than mine and that is my fear, my Daddy dying. But then I think about it
and I know that the surgery is for his best. We want him to be around for
when I am able to give him a grandchild. I trust that since her vitals are
OK that everything will be fine in the end. It is wonderful to be an
inspiration to someone but it is most definatly not your fault for any
complications. My prayers are with you and Wanda. Best wishes! Keep your
chin up.
— Deborah F.
February 12, 2002
Bob, I know how you feel I lost my best friend after her sugery I had
encouraged her I guess I felt like I talked her in to it since I was doing
so well. It was the darkest moment in my life but she is in God's hands
now. I pray for your friend she is also in God's hands. Please don't blame
yourself but I know how you feel. God bless her and you. Try to be strong.
— susan V.
February 12, 2002
While this is easier to say when not in your shoes, you must remind
yourself that you cannot make anyone do something he or she does not want
to do. The ultimate decision whether or not to have this surgery was
Wanda's. While you and Jen may have inspired her and perhaps offered some
insight which became food for thought for her, she had to decided yes or
now for herself. You did not force her at gunpoint into the operating
room. I say this strongly because I was a Wanda. I had researched WLS for
many months before my first consultation. I almost backed out when I met a
lady who had had WLS three years prior. We talked at great length over a
few months, and she did give me insight and lots of food for thought.
Obviously, I ultimately decided to have a VBG. I had a leak, pancreatitis,
pleural effusions, elevated white counts, fever spikes, spent a week in
ICU, and a total of 18 days in the hospital. Never once did it enter my
mind to blame my friend. Actually, my only concern was that she realize
that I did not consider her in any way responsible. You're worried because
you are concerned, and that is normal, but please don't be deceived that
you had anything to do with her complications or whatever the outcome may
be - good or bad. Wanda made her own decision, just as we all did, to have
WLS. I will keep her in my prayers.
— gracie30269
February 12, 2002
Bob, I really feel for you right now, but you have to trust that we are all
where we are supposed to be in the universe, and if your dear friend
passes, it was what was meant to be. It is in NO WAY your fault. You are
both in my heart.
— Lori D.
February 12, 2002
Bob, what if oyu had never shared your story, and someone who could have
been helped died? It is not you fault, everyone makes this decision with
the assistance and advice from their Dr. They are informed of the risks.
All we can do is be honest and share with those we feel led to share with.
I will pray for healing for your friend, and for you for peace and release
from these feelings. Hang in there.
— Sue B.
February 12, 2002
Bob, isn't that the reason we all go ahead with the surgery to begin with?
We have a problem, we research the outcomes, and by talking with FRIENDS,
family and medical professionals we make an educated and responsible
decision. What you did was support her in her efforts to make that
decision. You didn't hold a gun to her head or bribe her with a year of
free consultations if she went ahead with it, you merely told her the
truth. I am sure Wanda is an intelligent woman, and based her decision on a
number of factors. Don't carry this one on your shoulders. You are a great
friend to the WLS program. I have taken your advice on some things, for
better or worse. "I" ultimately made the final decision..as
rational as I deemed it to be. Please consider yourself as a true supporter
and an ANGEL. You'll be with her as we will be in our prayers and everyday
thoughts. Come to a "PEACE" within yourself, you did what every
good friend would have done...just being a friend. ...in my prayers
...Peace always
— Elizabeth P.
February 12, 2002
As far as I know, anyone over the age of 18 is responsible for the
decisions they make. Is the parent who trains their kid to drive and who
is later killed in a wreck responsible? Sorry, Bob, you may be guilty of a
lot of things, but this isn't one of them, no matter how enthusiastically
you encouraged her to have the surgery. Dumb luck accounts for much of
life and that is what this rough spot is for her. Please don't beat
yourself up or stop sharing your inspiration.
— merri B.
February 12, 2002
Dear Bob, My thoughts and prayers are with YOU, Wanda's Angel. Wanda's
inspiration. Wanda's friend. Those are good things, things to be proud of.
What is going on with Wanda is now in God's hands. Asking your friends
here to pray for you and Wanda is a great thing. I ask for prayers for
you, Jen, Wanda and Jack. I ask the Lord to make His presence known in
each of your lives. PEACE
— blank first name B.
February 12, 2002
My friend was sceduled for last week, doc. got sick, resceduled for today.
She called me last night, very worried that it just diden't feel right.
"This was a bad week, not the right sitter, mother is very sick,"
etc...I encouraged her the best I could, but in a way where it was her
decision. Come to find out, she backed out. Now I feel guilty!I say to my
self, "how will ever be comfortable around her again?" I am that
way though. The best we can do is pray, and to have prayer chains, and to
pray for the ones having a hard time recovering, and to those having a hard
time deciding whats best for them.
— Marie A.
February 12, 2002
Bob, I DID have this happen to me last year. My best friend in all of the
world died from open RNY 6 weeks after having surgery. I was the one who
talked her into, or should I say "encouraged her" to get her life
back and have the surgery. I even referred her to the surgeon. She was very
reluctant at first, but, eventually decided to have the procedure. She
didnt do what the surgeon ordered her to do. She didnt eat what she was
supposed to, and she never exercised. She died from a blood clot to the
lung. It tore me up inside to know I was the one who turned her onto the
idea of the surgery! But, I also realized she died from her own negligence.
She knew what she had to do, and I had to face the fact she was gone, but,
I wasnt to blame. It wasnt my fault. She made the ultimate decision
herself. To deal with the pain and hurting, I wrote her some poetry and
dedicated the webpage to her. If youd like to see it, the addy is...
http://www.angelfire.com/wi2/hardtail8/MissysPage
Check it out, let me know what you think. You cant blame yourself for what
happens to others. They ultimately make this very personal decision
themselves. It is always in God's hands, we have nothing to do with it. God
bless you! : )
— Kerry P.
February 12, 2002
Let me add something else... even though my best friend died on mother's
day of last year from the surgery I recommended, I still went through with
it this last October. I knew it was the only thing I had left to help me
get my life back. I just let God take care of me. I knew I was in good
hands! : ) Down 52# today! Yippee!
— Kerry P.
February 12, 2002
Bob, <p>You can drive yourself nuts thinking like that. "What
if..." can start with any event. You can "what if" I had
never met her, "what if" I had never had the surgery, "what
if" I had never gotten fat, "what if" I had never been born?
Do you see what I'm saying? All of these events led you to wander across
Wanda's path. You are not responsible for the choice Wanda made. Do not
allow this guilt to eat you up. <p>You will never know how many
people's lives you have SAVED on this website, let alone in the world of
people around you because you DID speak up, and you DID promote WLS. If you
had kept your mouth shut and not shared your knowledge and your good news,
others might have died.<p>Wanda is in God's hands. I'm praying for
you both. Please try to give this fear to the Lord and just let Him take
care of her.
— artistmama
February 12, 2002
Bob, my prayers are with both of you and your families. Hang in there,
Wanda is in Gods hands.
— MnShadows
February 12, 2002
I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to Wanda. Bob, please try to
remember, it's all in God's hands, not yours. I know that might be
difficult to do, but we're all praying for both of you. Whatever the
outcome, it's not your fault.
— Maria H.
February 12, 2002
MY prayers are with Wanda and of course with you Bob. You knew Wanda
personally , but you have inspired and encouraged others who are now or
will be soon leading richer lives because of you. I agree with the others
Wanda is in God's hands now. Only He can determine the final outcome. All
we can do is pray. You have done the right thing.
— Rose A.
February 12, 2002
Bob, just wanted to add my 2 cents worth. I agree with the rest of the
posters. You did not force Wanda to have the surgery. It's a decision she
made for herself. You encouraged a friend hoping to help her make a
decision to become healthier. The rest of it is out of your control.
— garw
February 12, 2002
The timing of your question is incredible. I am so glad you use this
forum. My daughter is got scheduled for her surgeon's visit today and I
went into all of the "what have I done's" But I know my daughter
is strong and will never do anything unless she thinks it's right. Trust
me I raised her, I know she can't be forced into anything.
Of course you all will have to remind me of what I just said as she nears
surgery date. Thanks Bob.
— faybay
February 13, 2002
Bob, you gave her the inspiration but the decision was solely hers to make.
I had a rather opposite event happen. I have a co-worker the same age as
me who was extremely obese. I explained wls to him but didn't really push
him as I could tell the thought of surgery really frightened him. Well, a
few weeks after that he suffered a massive stroke & was in a coma for
many months. He is still working to recover full speaking function &
is paralyzed on one side. I can't help but wonder what would've happened
if I just kept pushing him to have surgery, would the stroke have been
avoided? But, I have to remind myself that it is his life and only his
decision.
— Lori_B
February 13, 2002
Bob, I feel for you. We here at AMOS all do because we
DO tell everybody what WLS has done for us! We should! It
has saved most of our lives. However, I have helped many people
on line, some of whom had complications, and it is hard.
I feel that none of us are here on earth one minute more or less
than God designs. I believe that for Wanda, too and will
pray for her and you too:)
— M B.
February 13, 2002
Bob,
So often as I read the questions & answers and occasionally the message
board, I see your name. You are always the voice of reason, full of good
information and caring. Your friend is in God's hands. If her health was so
poor going into surgery that it caused problems, then she was not long for
this world. She is getting the best care that can be given at this point
and has many people praying for both her and you. If she passes on, it is
God's will, not yours. She perhaps waited a bit too long to do this
procedure that we both know is lifesaving to so very many. Hopefully, she
will pull through and enjoy the wondrous lifechanges that wls affords us.
Keep the faith. All things happen for a reason. All things. Your friends
here are all behind you and most appreciative of you, my friend.
— Marilyn S.
February 13, 2002
Bob,
So often as I read the questions & answers and occasionally the message
board, I see your name. You are always the voice of reason, full of good
information and caring. Your friend is in God's hands. If her health was so
poor going into surgery that it caused problems, then she was not long for
this world. She is getting the best care that can be given at this point
and has many people praying for both her and you. If she passes on, it is
God's will, not yours. She perhaps waited a bit too long to do this
procedure that we both know is lifesaving to so very many. Hopefully, she
will pull through and enjoy the wondrous lifechanges that wls affords us.
Keep the faith. All things happen for a reason. All things. Your friends
here are all behind you and most appreciative of you, my friend.
— Marilyn S.
February 14, 2002
Bob I know how you feel, A very good friend of mine had wls
because of me, she was not even aware of it until I came "out
of the closet". Well she had complications and doring her rough time
I could not hardly stand myself, she has 2 young boys and I felt sooo
responsible! She is fine now but I never forget how I felt those few
days. That is the reason I cannot tell others or bring it up to others
to have the surgery, I can't get those terrible days out of my head.
— [Anonymous]
February 14, 2002
Since I had surgery I have been approached by many people curious about it.
I always refer them to this site for information and let them know I'm
happy I did it but that it's not without risk and it's painful initially. I
don't want to talk anyone into it but I let them know I'll answer
questions.
— Candace F.
February 14, 2002
How is Wanda doing? I hope she is doing better. When somebody asks, I
tell them my story and refer them to this site. Every person is
accountable for themselves and I don't think anyone is going to have this
surgery because someone else told them it was an option. Adults decide for
themselves. Bob, how about an update on her condition for all of us
praying for her. OK?
— Marilyn C.
February 14, 2002
Wandas condition is worse. She is on a vent and other support equiptement,
and will be in ICU for at least a week. Please see her surgery page for
more info. Unfortunately its all bad right now.
— bob-haller
February 20, 2002
Eventhough you were Wanda's inspiration, everyone should make this decision
on their own. I have been following the postings under Wanda's profile. I
see that Wanda is doing better. We all are praying for her continued
recovery and your peace of mind. Take Care
— Marianne K.
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