Question:
My post op wife is not complaint! We both have WLS
I had surgery months ago and am doing well. My wife is a few weeks post op and ignoring the rules and depressed. Not drinking enough liquids, refuses to take vitamins, sleeping 18 hours a day, doesnt want to leave the house to get some exercise, even walking thru a mall is a big irritant to her. She lost 13 pounds in 10 days and is unhappy:( Regrets surgery. Anyones spouse been like this and how do you cope? She is in the hospital and will be lucky to get out for christmas. ME? I am so frustrated, I want a happy healthy wife. I have told her surgeons staff whats up, and called her PCP and therapist for appointments. — [Anonymous] (posted on December 24, 2001)
December 24, 2001
I think it\'s wonderful you have had such a great recovery, and that you
are concerned about your wife. However, we all recover at different speeds.
I had lots of nausea and the drugs made me very tired a few weeks post. My
dr told me to nap and sleep when my body told me too because that is how
the body recovers. I think right now the best thing for you to do is back
off big time. Don\'t make appts for her unless she asks, that would really
irritate me. Let her dr tell her what to do and let her recover in her own
time. At 2 weeks I was so totally depressed, so sure i had done the worst
thing having this surgery, I stayed in bed for three days and cried. The
best thing my husband did was just hold me, no judgement, no trying to
force me into feeling better, he just let me be miserable and then I
snapped out of it. Now I\'m very happy I\'ve had the surgery and Jim is
getting the happy healthy wife. Right now is not the time to be doing
things that might lead to resentment later. Good luck
— Becky K.
December 24, 2001
Personally I think it is great that you have taken her care into your own
hands! Sometimes we can get depressed to a point where we are unable to
see what we should be doing for ourselves and it helps to have someone step
in and take control. I too got very depressed right after surgery and it
was my husband that suggested that maybe \"seeing someone\" would
help. I made an appointment to see a therapist and she helped me out
tremendously! I only had to go to her for 4 appointments before I felt I
could handle the situation on my own.
Don\'t bug her too much about not getting out and about or eating or
drinking the things that she needs to, she WILL come around... but do
support her and let her know how much you love her and encourage her to see
the therapist.
Let her know how well she is doing and when she says something negative,
turn it around to a positive. My husband does this for me and it always
makes me feel so much better. For instance, the other night I told him I
was tired of so much of my hair falling out (I was looking for a
\"pity-party\"). He didn\'t say much that night, but yesterday
he looked at me and said \"I think you look really good with thinner
hair... it has been so thick for so long, the thinner hair gives you a
really great look!\" I just hugged him and told God \"thank
you\" for giving me such a great man!
Take care and I am sure she will come out of her \"funk\" before
long!
— Kellie Jo B.
December 24, 2001
Bob, you\'re just going to have to give Jen a little time. Perhaps it\'s
more difficult with women??? I don\'t know. But, what you\'re doing is
wonderful--taking over her care and encouraging her. I was totally
uncompliant the first couple of weeks because I just didn\'t feel good.
This passed; and it shall pass for her too.
— [Anonymous]
December 24, 2001
While I think your intentions are good- the best thing and only thing I
would do for her is 1. Keep on loving her 2. give her some SPACE 3.
Concentrate on your own program and 4. Quit being a
\"tattletale\" to her PCP etc. The thing is what you are doing
is a little to much for her, she needs to just think/recover/work out the
bugs for her self. I also think it is a bad semi-co-dependant actions that
she may start to rely on- you doing everything for her. So, let her
breath, let her sleep- she will have months ahead of her to get
\"good\" at exercise and eating well. The best you can do for
her is let her learn by example, not by doing it for her. I think if
someone was monitoring my every move, I would be resentful, and spiteful.
I know your concern is out of love, but back off a bit. Don\'t concentrate
on her WLS surgery, just concentrate on her being out of surgery, and treat
her as a recovery patient, not as a WLS recovery patient- that can all come
later, when she is feeling better..... feel free to give advice IF she asks
for it- in other words- let HER come to you.
— Karen R.
December 24, 2001
You are probably really excited for her, that she had WLS, knowing what an
exciting journey this is. However, you probably need to realize that women
go through a funky hormonal change after this surgery, which effects
everyone differently. I am sure you have read lots about those who have
been depressed post-op, they regret it, etc. Give her some time. Maybe
she doesn\'t have that burst of energy yet and doesn\'t feel like getting
exercise just yet. And although everyone should follow their doc\'s plan,
I bet she won\'t be the first to not follow it 100%. It is still early in
the game for her. Be patient and let her do at her own pace. I know you
want to be encouraging, and that is great, but be patient. The only time I
didn\'t feel like going for my walk was when my husband woke me up one
Saturday morning and said, \' ok, we need to get you out of bed and
moving\'. I was 1 week post and ANNOYED, although I know he meant well.
Encourage her when you feel like she is receptive to it, until then, just
let her do her own thing. Congrats to you both.
— Cheri M.
December 24, 2001
I am the original poster of this question, My concern is her health. I only
tried to be encouraging but feel I have to be more active when her choices
to ignore what she knew in advance would happen. Dehydration, low
potassium, and blood clots can lead to bad things including death. I did
call our surgeons staff with my concerns and they tried to council her and
said to call her PCP immediately to get her antidepressant dose increased,
and inform her psyclogist too. I feel its not being a tattle tale when
someone is making themselves ill. Having Jen in the hospital for the
holiday is the pits, and wondering if I havent been encouraging enough
myself makes it worse. I appreciate the comments a lot. Frankly if she
hadnt been hospilitazed I wouldnt of posted this. I had my bad days too and
got somewhat dehydrated but never so bad to end up in the hospital. I just
want Jen happy and healthy!
— bob-haller
December 24, 2001
Hi Bob!
I think you are a terrific husband. As other posters said I think she
needs time, and maybe time alone for all this to sink in. I had a LAP 12
days ago and on the 5th day
out I was Christmas shopping. But my roomie in the hospital,
well she was another case. I felt soo saorry for her. She had a very rough
2 days in the hospltal. She dry-heaved, threw up, had an alergic reaction
to pain meds and other stuff I won\'t go into detail. You and I and others
are \"bouce right back\" type people. Others, like my roomie
and your Jen, need more time. You are doing great. just
keep encouraging and loving her, in 2-3 weeks you\'ll see
a differnce I\'m sure. Good Luck to you both.
— Cindee A.
December 24, 2001
Hey, sorry, didn\'t mean to upset you.... Didn\'t know she was
RE-hospitalized. Thought she was still just in hospital. Anyhow, I was
probably reflecting more of myself in my post- on how I may feel if it were
my husband doing it to me. Sometimes he tries to be over helpful and that
in turn makes me iritated. Your feelings are valid. Your concerns are
valid. Depression sometimes comes out of now where, for no particular
reason - I had it bad after surgery and I was still doing what \"I was
supposed to do\"- still I was horribly depressed. Hopefully she\'ll
pull through fast..... my thoughts are with you... sorry, again.
— Karen R.
December 24, 2001
Bob, heart is breaking for you right now because of your wife\'s health
concerns as well as the possiblity of her spending Christmas in the
hospital....but something occurred to me when I read all your posts and
both profiles....maybe she is overwhelmed at the expectations that are
being put on her...Sex kitten, new mother, and WLS
\"spokesperson\" and social butterfly...that might send anyone
into depression even without surgery and hormones sent awry...I promise to
pray for her at church this Christmas Eve/ Day services, but I will pray
for you as well cos it can\'t be easy to watch the person you love the most
go through this.
— [Anonymous]
December 24, 2001
Well I am relieved to report they decided to release her. They were mostly
concerned about her potassium level and had her on IV continiously to get
it to a safe area. I received some mail about the possible malabsorbtion of
Prozac after RNY. This might help explain some folks problems... Now I
heard back from the psycologist who approves all of my surgeons patients.
Nice of Dr Friday to return my call on a holday. He advised me to leave her
be, even if it runs the risk of health problems and another hospital
admission. Says everyone must do this at their own pace. I guess he knows
whats best... I was just trying to do what I can for my wife. Didnt want to
see her in the hospital again, espically with Christmas. I feel responsible
for Jen since I kinda sold her on the surgery. Jen REALLY hates needles and
perhaps this will encourage her to drink more. She is a nurse who hates
being a patient. I think this is more than just our situation. Lots of
couples must go thru this. How to treat a spouse who isnt taking care of
themselves is a minefield of bad choices. Jen says that she is overwhelmed
trying to keep up with me. I just want her to remain reasonably healthy
during this tough adjustment period.
— bob-haller
December 24, 2001
Bob, just try to remember that she is a few steps behind you on this
journey and she is \"dancing to the tune of a different drummer\"
than you are at this point. I know when I read on here that some people
had to be re-hospitalized because of becoming dehydrated, it made me really
get to drinking the water. I\'m not a water drinker, never was, but am
becoming one. Does she get on this site as much as you do? Maybe when she
is able, she can do some research by reading everyone\'s posts, messages,
Q&A\'s, etc. I know this is my \"online\" support group.
Your concern is to be admired, but she\'s a big girl, AND a nurse. She\'ll
be fine. She\'s just in a funk right now which is normal. I think back to
the first two-three weeks after my lap rny and I loved the laying around.
My body craved it. But that will pass. Just let her be herself. Keep an
eye on her to the point that you won\'t let any harm come to her, but other
than that, just observe from a distance. She\'s gotta do it HER way.
She\'ll be fine. Merry Christmas to you both.
— [Anonymous]
December 24, 2001
Bob,
I\'ve seen you on this q&a and you really give encouragement and try to
answer questions and be helpful. It\'s terrific and seems to be part of
your personality, and I applaud and appreciate you. If I sounded harsh
earlier it\'s just I was putting myself in her place, as a somewhat slow
recoverer myself, and thinking how resentful I\'d be if someone had tried
to be helpful, but to me it would have felt like pushing. I know it\'s hard
for a lot of guys to be passive. Guys are fixers, washing machines, cars,
wives (smile) But I think the psychiatrist is right, you can\'t do it for
her. I really do hope she feels better soon, and I hope you do to!
hugs
— Becky K.
December 24, 2001
hey bob...no advise or criticism from this post op. u r a great guy &
jen is a great girl. as u know, my paul had a cancerous kidney removed 6
weeks ago. i was the primary caregiver. i am now 7 days post op open rny
myself. yesterday paul & i had \'words\'...heated ones. i stomped off
to bed he stayed in the living room. this morning i realized...we r both
overwhelmed with EACH OTHER. not easy having 2 post ops living under one
roof...especially when they love & care about each other as much as me
& paul & u & jen. my point is...u r not the only couple going
thru the gambit of emotions now, so dont feel u r alone. lots & lots of
love & prayers from my house to urs.
— sheryl titone
December 26, 2001
Bob, although I was a \"no-problem, I can tackle the world\" post
op like you, I did go through a period of depression a few weeks post op. I
think it is a combo of major surgery, new lifestyle, and hormonal upheaval.
Add a concerned and helpful husband and you have a recipe for snappy wife.
You remind me of my own husband sometimes in your posts. He just loves me
to pieces and that is great, but sometimes I just wanna be cranky and
grouse around for a while until I get it out of my system. Give her some
space and let her catch up to you a little. Once she gets past the
adjustment period it won\'t be such a big deal.
— ctyst
December 26, 2001
First the good news, Jen is doing MUCH better. She hates IVs and is
drinking a lot to prevent spending more needle sticks. Her viens are small
and hard to find. Now I must sdmit I had my moments too, one memorable one
when asked her for a bite of her lasagna and she refused based on its not
being a good food choice. She NEVER did that again:( The idea of 2 post ops
under the same roof has a lot of merit, and I feel pressured that she do
well. I dont want her to make herself ill. Thanks for all your concerns.
— bob-haller
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