Question:
A few months ago my husband told me that he was not attracted to me b/c of my weight.
I have always been overweight and always fighting it. Well a few months after having our daughter my husband said that he was not attracted to me b/c of weight. He said he feels that I don't try hard enough. (Of course I do). Well now that I have told him that I plan on having the WLS he is acting different. Alot more attentive, etc.. It makes me feel like he is working to keep the future (& hopefully thinner) me. He is a thin guy, and until we had THE TALK I always thought he was ok w/ my weight. He is a good guy but I am really hurt and confused. Has anyone else had this problem? — Brandyraj (posted on October 25, 2002)
October 24, 2002
Brandy, the talk is never easy and it hurts. Maybe what he really dislikes
is seeing you struggle with it and when you become frustrated with it he to
becomes frustrated with it. It is really hard to tell. I am glad that he
is making a little of a turn around but that is a very uncomfortable
feeling to be so in love with someone but have that tension between you.
Good Luck to you!!!!!
— Peggy A.
October 24, 2002
I've never been married so I can't relate on that level. However, I do know
that I wasn't attracted to me & didn't see how anyone else could be.
One thing to keep in mind is that he may have kept his mouth shut in order
to keep from hurting your feelings. While it may have been more sensitive
to stay quiet, at least he was honest with you. That counts for quite a bit
in my book. & it also sounds like he'll be really supportive in the WLS
process. I have a friend who also recently had WLS & she said that she
wasn't attracted at all to big men. My off & on boyfriend is a big man
& I'm not at all attracted to thin men. So there is another thing, we
all are attracted to different kinds of bodies. In anycase, my point is
that while it must hurt to hear this blunt honesty from your husband, at
least he didn't leave you & he's gonna support you. Maybe this can be
not only a process of loosing weight but of reconnecting with your husband
in a wonderful way. I have no idea if this helped at all, but I hope so.
Good luck & know that you are loved!
— LionGirl2k
October 24, 2002
Brandy- It is okay that you are hurting about this. It is what motivated
you to seek out an answer. I'm not sure how your husband approach the
subject, but I do give a lot of credit for him speaking up. So many couples
long for true intimacy (not just physcial, but emotional) and when one
spouse reveals something tough for them to talk about, it can bring a real
intimacy. I think how you reacted to the news (looking for a solution)
showed your husband that you respected what he said and that it was safe
for him to talk to you about difficult things. My husband and I kept
"secrets" from each other the first three years of our marriage.
Things we thought would be difficult to talk about. It almost destroyed our
marriage. But we had the opportunity to turn it around and we did. THere is
nothing I can't talk about with my husband, including telling him when
something he said hurt me. We just celebrated 10 years and I didn't think
we make it past three. God bless.
— Cheryl S.
October 24, 2002
I may get bashed for this, but be glad that he said something to you. At
least he is being honest and opening up a dialog. That is the ONLY way to
solve any problem in a marriage. I know it hurts to know that he is not
attracted to you at your current weight (although he did become more
attentive recently and you're still the same weight). My ex-husband NEVER
said a word to me about my gaining 50 lbs. during the third year of our
marriage. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and the weight just came on so
quickly because of the exercise intolerance and the medications I had to
take at that time. He never said anything....BUT he began an affair which
ultimately ended our marriage. That was seven years ago and he is still
with her. So be glad your hubby is the honest, straightforward type. It
is devastating to not know what is going on in your marriage, and to be
told one day (Thanksgiving Day 1994) that he's in love with someone else.
It was too late for me at that point. I would always choose a
"talker" now instead of the "silent type"....it's
horrible to be left in the dark about what is going on. Hang in there, and
God's blessings on you and your husband. Hugs, Joy
— [Deactivated Member]
October 25, 2002
First,It really is wonderful that he opened up and talked to you about
this. I know it must hurt but now you have the opportunity to work this
thru together. Also make sure you realize that "not attracted
to" and "not love" are two different things. Please don't
confuse the two. Second, men as well as women can experience many
different changes after the birth of a child. You don't say how old your
baby is but your husband could be experiencing many different
emotional/psychological changes upon becoming a father. Please think about
that too. Good Luck to you and he and I'll be keeping you in my prayers!
Hugs, Leah
— Leah H.
October 25, 2002
Yes, what your husband said it hurtful. He probably shouldn't have said
it, but we have to face the fact that much about sexual attractiveness is
based upon biology (who is healthy enough to mother my future children) and
also images in the media telling us what is "attractive." Your
husband was only being honest. Just imagine how much more attracted he
will be to you once you lose your excess weight.
— Terissa R.
October 25, 2002
HAVE THIS SURGERY FOR YOURSELF NOT HIM. I HAVE THE SAME TYPE OF HUSBAND, I
DIDNT KNOW IF HE WAS CONCERNED ABOUT MY HEALTH OR MY LOOKS. I WAS VERY
ANGRY AND HURT, WHEN HE THREW MY WIEGHT IN MY FACE BEFORE SURGERY, HE DIDNT
BELIEVE THE SURGERY WOULD WORK, WELL IM 5 MONTHS POST OP AND DOWN 100LBS.
MY CONFIDENCE IS REALLY HIGH AND I DONT TAKE CRAPP FROM HIM ANYMORE AND HE
DOESNT DISH IT OUT. HE ALMOST ACTS AS IF HE RESPECTS ME MORE. FOR TAKING
CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND WIEGHT, IVE GONE BACK TO WORK AFTER 13 YRS OF MISERY
AND ENJOY GOING TO MY KIDS FUNCTIONS NOW. SO ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS IF YOU
WANT THIS SURGERY GO FOR IT. BUT DONT DO IT TO KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE TOGETHER,
BECAUSE IT IS A EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. THE PROBLEMS IN YOUR MARRIAGE
BEFORE SURGERY AMPLIFY AFTERWARDS, AT LEAST FOR ME. SO JUST PUT HIM ON BACK
BURNER AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, AND YOU WILL NOTICE ALOT OF CHANGES. GOOD
LUCK AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS EMAIL ME. ANGIE MATHEWS
— ANGIE M.
October 25, 2002
My husband, who has always looked like the cover of Muscle and Fitness
magazine, married a size 10 body. Then he watched me gain 100 pounds,
while he worked to maintain his perfect physique. My husband lost interest
in me when I gained weight and did not treat me with respect. He was
frustrated that he could not "make" me more disciplined, and
admits it now that I have lost 84 of those 100 pounds.Although I was hurt
by his attitude, and then ate to comfort myself (big help), I understood
his feelings. I think if he had gained 100 pounds, I would have been
frustrated and not attracted to him physically either. A few weeks ago we
celebrate our 7 year anniversary and he gave me a card with a message
inside. The message was how proud he was of me, that I was a very
courageous person for taking the route I did. You said your husband is a
good guy. He will be there to go thru the journey with you and your
marriage will come out stronger in the end. Good luck.
— Cindy R.
October 25, 2002
Am I the only one who thought this husband was completely out of line?
There is something to be said for honesty, of course, but also for
integrity and respect. You can be attracted to a person no matter what they
look like if you apply yourself and love them for WHO they are and not how
much they weigh! I am not about to dish out advice, because I have a very
loving supportive and wonderful husband who respects me and whatever
decision I make regarding my weight. All I want to say is that I felt what
your husband said was very offensive and insensitive. You shouldn't have to
lose weight for him to love you or be attracted to you!
— AprilRebuilt
October 25, 2002
my opinion----In the posters post she stated her husband said he was not
physically attraced....not that he no longer loved her. Think about
it...are you happy with yourself? Your attitude toward yourself has ALOT
to do with his attitude toward you. I know in my case...that I was very
unhappy with my appearance and that directly effected how my husband felt
about me. As it does with anyone around you in many situations. The fact
that he told you that something was bothering him is wonderful, although it
may have hurt, he feels comfortable enough in your marriage to have an open
line of communication. Besides trust that is THE most important attribute
to a marriage. Look at it this way...if he had brought up an issue that
was not a direct line to your heart....it would not have been as big of an
issue as it is. I had this very 'talk' with my husband a couple years
before I had this surgery. I know how much it hurts. I hurt more than
anything....the one person that is the closest to you took a direct stab at
your confidence and your soul. But you know what.....it is something that
bothers him. It is something that bothers you too, or you would not have
tried to correct it in the past. He has the right to bring up issues in
your marriage. You also have the right to do what you want with the issue
he brings forward. I am not saying that you should do this for
him.......by all means no! This is something you do for yourself. All I
am saying is that he does have the right to let his feelings known. A
marriage where people do not discuss their feelings is bound for failure.
just my two cents
— RebeccaP
October 25, 2002
Who knows what makes men tick. I'm 48 and I'll never know. My husband is
the same weight as yours, so I get it, he doesn't, yet. Try and not let
anything deter you from your goal. If he's giving you all that attention
now, maybe he really didn't mean it, not entirely. "The Talk"
may have let him think he could open up, more than either one of you really
wanted, sounds like the talk was weight related, maybe he thought you
needed motivation, we know that it isn't the way. Also there is another
person getting alot of your attention now, that is a big big issue by
itself, not to mention that your hormones couldn't have bounced back so
soon after having a baby. You said a mouthful when you said he is a good
guy! Like Granny always says if it aint broke it don't need fixin.
— Tricia J.
October 25, 2002
I'm glad your husband was honest, BUT it's what he said that I have a
problem with. You just had this guy's child, you should be treated like a
queen!! You said that he's acting better now that you're planning the
surgery. What if for some reason (Heaven forbid) you can't have the
surgery, will he change back to the old attitude? Do this for your health!
After all, this surgery is not cosmetic, that what all of us are fighting
our insurance companies for! It sounds like he wants to control your
emotions or actions by either giving or withholding affection. He only has
that power if you give it to him. Do this for you, to have a healthy
future, not to make yourself more attractive to him. Talk some more with
him, even shinny people don't have secure marriages. Sorry if my comments
sound harsh and I may be making too much out of the situation; but maybe
someone reading this can benefit from it.
— Brenda K.
October 25, 2002
I really liked what Rebecca had to say about our attitudes having a lot to
do with our attrativeness to others. Before I began this journey to have
WLS (I'm waiting for March to get here for mine), my attitude was in the
toilet with regards to my appearance. Although I always dressed nice and
took good care of myself, I never saw myself as attractive to the opposite
sex. I felt like a failure, I behaved like a failure, and I lacked any
hope that I would ever succeed at losing weight, finding a life's
companion, or even attracting a one-night stand (LOL). This must have come
through to anyone within a mile of me because I was never approached by
anyone, even though I always "looked nice". Since beginning this
journey to have WLS, my attitude has done a complete 180. I no longer feel
like a failure, I no longer behave like a failure, and I now have more hope
for myself, my life, and for my future than I know what to do with. My
point is, now, there isn't a week that goes by that I'm not complimented by
my co-workers on my appearance (I'm still wearing the same clothes and I've
not bought any new), and I even find men looking at me and I don't
automatically think that they are looking at me because I'm fat. I
actually think that they are looking at me because I am attrative. It's
not just the overweight people are less attrative than thin peole. It's
that the inner spirit gets crushed by the emotional baggage that comes with
being overweight or MO. Our light goes out and others think that nobody is
home. Perhaps your husband sees that the light has come back on and that
makes you more attrative because you are "home".<p>As for
his saying something, I agree with the majority of posters. My ex and I
had similarly difficult conversations as we tried to work out our
differences and while the marriage didn't last, the honesty felt much
better than secrets ever did. Sure your feelings were hurt. You're human.
But I think you are on a more level playing field with your husband
because you know the facts. And as the previous posted noted,
attrativeness and love don't mean the same thing. I can love just about
anyone but not everyone is going to be attractive to me, at least until I
get to know them (and then some attrative people appear quite ugly if you
know what I mean). And physical attraction is huge for men. They are so
visual. Hang in there and work on communication. Your husband has made a
wonderful start.
— rebalspirit
October 25, 2002
I say, although what he said hurt your feelings, be glad he is honest. My
husband told me he was all for the surgery, took care of me after, etc,
etc,. Now that it's been almost 15 months and I'm closing in on 180 lbs
lost, he told me the other day he wished I never had it done. He has
always been attracted to heavy women (i was heavy when we met), and
although he says I look good, he is so insecure that he can't handle other
men looking at me. He said I'm all into myself now, and a bunch of other BS
that he is just using to get at me. He even tries to get me to eat a lot
of junk. My marriage has turned REALLY bad since the surgery. I never
realized that my husband was so insecure, or so selfish. I really wish he
had been honest with me about his thoughts BEFORE surgery, it wouldn't have
changed my mind, but it would have given me a heads up on what to expect in
the future. I did this for me, and I know that my marriage will not
survive it. Your husband was honest, and seems like he wants to help, be
glad, and let him help you.
— Carey N.
October 25, 2002
I posted earlier... I'm not a newlywed, and I know the ups and downs of
marriage just as well as anyone - especially when it comes to being
overweight. Does your physcial appearance have to be the determining factor
in someone being attracted to you? No! I was attracted to my husband
because he was a sweet, loving, compassionate person. He's overweight too,
and does that bother me? No, because he is a healthy man. I love him and am
ATTRACTED to him just the way he is. That was the only point I was trying
to make.
— AprilRebuilt
October 25, 2002
Thank you everyone for posting your answers to my question. By the way, my
daughter Shyla is 7 months. I understand what you all are saying. I guess I
am just worried about how he would feel if say I had some other type of
physical problem where a surgery couldn't help. What happens when my looks
start to fade? I am worried that his love is only skin deep. But then I
hate to think that he is really that shallow.
I really do apperciate all of your answers, communication is the key.
— Brandyraj
October 25, 2002
I think you are lucky you were able to have this talk.
Being Obese makes us unhappy, why do we struggle with the idea that it
makes husbands, kids, etc unhappy and even a little embarrassed? Maybe he
never spoke to you about it before because he loves you and did not want to
hurt your feelings. Keep communicating - I think he will be a great
support during and after surgery. Good Luck
— Diane T.
October 25, 2002
I would tell him that you are not attracted to him either because of his
shallow behavior. Have the surgery and be what you want to be. Never have
this surgery to please a man! If he is acting sweet and loving now, then
perhaps you can deal with that now and believe me, when the weight comes
off, you will resent him even more. If you want to have WLS for yourself,
then by all means, do it. If he isn't attracted to you don't worry about
it because plenty of other guys will be. Sounds like he just spoke before
he thought and has really put his foot in his mouth. Being thin is not the
only thing that makes a woman OR a man attractive. What is inside is what
makes us beautiful and sounds like 1. HE is not beautiful inside OR 2. He
is shallow or 3. He doesn't deserve you! Follow your heart, dear, and
know one thing: Having surgery and becoming thin will not solve all your
problems. As you lose weight and become more confident, you will not stand
for this type of behavior. Your self worth is not based on a number on a
scale. Sounds like he is very immature. Good luck!
— Mylou52
October 25, 2002
Just a word of wisdom, after a person has surgery, their whole life
changes; the way they think of themselves, how they relate with other's,
even how they move within the world is different. Due to these changes, the
dynamics of the person's relationships is bound to change. It is not
uncommon for many(don't know percentages) relationships to have problems
because of this life changing decision. Who I was as a 337 lb. woman, was
totally different than who I am today, after having lost over one hundred
pounds. You should just be prepared to notice a shift in your relationship
with your husband. If you and he are aware of the changes, and are willing
to work on the relationship, you should be fine.
— twenc
October 25, 2002
Ok, here's the first answer from a man and I KNOW I will ruffle some
feathers! Your husband was just being a MAN and most of the posters to
your question were just being WOMEN!!! What I mean by that is it is a
proven fact that men are "visually" attracted to women. That's
why a man can take out the garbage and be ready for sex. He can eat dinner
and be ready for sex. He can come home from work and be ready for sex. He
look at his wife washing dishes and be ready for sex. The slightest visual
stimulation can get the hormones RAGING. And so for men, if they are
attracted to a certain type of body style (to each his own) then when his
spouse no longer fits that mold, she no longer is as attractive to him.
That does NOT mean he doesn't love her, it just means he doesn't get
visually stimulated. On the other hand, women HATE when a man is ready to
"jump in the sack for a quicky!" Women typically need to be
romanticized and "warmed up" before they are ready for love
making. That's why so many of the women answering you have said they fell
in love with someone for their personality, etc. That's typically what
women are attracted to. They want a man who is kind and loving and gentle
and manly. They are not nearly as dependent on looks as a man is. Another
point is that women often try to "fix" their men. Why is it ok
for women to do that and not vise versa? With all that being said, your
husband has shown a tremendous amount of love for making himself vulnerable
by expressing his feelings to you and being open to the pain and criticism
it would bring. It is EXTREMELY difficult for men to do that. More often
than not, he would suffer in silence and one day end up having an affair.
If your marriage needs work, start working on it today. You can't start
yesterday, but you can sure put it off until tomorrow, however, tomorrow
may be too late! You KNOW he loves you! Here's a hint...LAVISH him with
love and see if he doesn't reciprocate. I GUARANTEE HE WILL!!!!!1
— Robby E.
October 25, 2002
OK. This will be kinf of a weird responce. I have been in your boat, And
still am. My husband once told me the same thing. He also told me he was
afraid that me and him where again to be like a carnaval act. (thin man and
fat lady). I do belive in what the man said before me. He is right men are
visual. And your husband was being trueful. But the truth is that it still
hurt like you know what to hear that, It knock you down some to find out
that the person you love the most thinks that way. But here I am still
married, I know he loves me and on a good week we still have sex 3 time a
week sometime less sometimes more. He does like it, never complains. My
suggesting to you is talk or aruge your way threw this. Intill you are ok
with everything. You can do it together, tell him how this made you feel
and listen really listen to his answer. Talk. I hope this helped somewhat
if any. love shannon. ( P.S. I am just starting to try to have this
surgery)
— shannon M.
October 26, 2002
Be patient and forgiving to your husband. He is only a man.
— Arlene S.
October 27, 2002
I'm sorry but I could not resist responding to this question. As far as
male and female, according to a previous poster, males are more visual.
Well, it is also a fact females are supposed to care more about money. On
that advice, should I tell my husband he no longer appeals to me because he
does not earn enough money. To me, that is just as shallow and
unappealing, whether based upon male/female sterotypes or not. I think the
husband in this case is way out of line. She has tried in the past, and is
still trying to get her weight into line. No one has felt the pain of
overweight more than her. This husband definitely did not make her feel
BETTER. My guess is that if this woman has surgery, and indeed gets down
to a husband acceptable weight, she will give him the old heave-ho. Maybe
at that point, she will not be interested in his callous attitute and
perhaps he has a teeny weeny. Of course in the name of honesty, she should
tell him so. After all, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
We can all be capable of being painfully honest. Good luck to you in your
weight loss journey hon. Do it for yourself.
Love Grace
— Grace H.
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