Question:
Marriage in the dumps?
My marriage was having problems even before the surgery...I have made some bad choices in that direction. I thought maybe having a baby would help...It made it worse...Not that I would ever REGRET my daughter b/c I don't, but it just made more responsibility for me in the marriage. I am miserable and very unhappy. I love my husband but I am not in love with him. So what do I do now? I want to leave. And now I feel it may be because if my new found self esteem. I never felt i was good enough for anyone and ,even though it makes me a terrible person, I feel i settled for what I thought was the best i could do. He is a great father and i know he loves me, but I want to be happy for once. Anyone else have these feelings or any advice? Stacy — Stacy O. (posted on October 26, 2004)
October 25, 2004
— sarah C.
October 25, 2004
When I met my husband (he is my second husband), I was on the good side of
a yo-yo diet. I explained to him that I had always battled my weight, and
he assured me he loved me no matter what. Of course, as the weight came
back on, he didn't want to have anything to do with me intimately. I was
devastated, because I loved him no matter what. He is handicapped and I
thought he would be the last person in the world to have conditional love.
However, he is a man, and that's just the way men are. They have this
physical thing, and can not pursuade themselves to be attracted to an obese
woman. I was certain that having the WLS would make everything right again.
He still doesn't have any interest, even with all of the weight gone. I
almost left him earlier this year. We talked it out, and decided that we
would stay together and work on the relationship. We have been intimate
only a few times, and it's always a disappointment. He's just not into it.
I have decided that it is over rated anyway, and because we are so close
in other ways, that the intimate thing is not worth breaking up over. I
also realize now that the problem is with him, not me. I did everything I
could to lose the weight and become attractive again. The ball is in his
court now, but I won't be upset if it never happens. We have a nice life
and do love eachother, even if we don't feel like we are "in
love" with eachother anymore. Lust fades eventually with any marriage
anyway.
— lconrad
October 26, 2004
Not that I'm an expert on relationships, but I do know that relationships
go in cycles. I also know that during and shortly after the weight loss
that my personality and outlook changed. But, after some time, I am
changing again, more like who I was before surgery. I haven't lost any
self-esteem (I had plenty all along!), but I am less abosrbed by my new
self. I am glad that I didn't make any life-altering decisions in that
time period about a year and a half post-op, because I'm not sure I was in
a long-term frame of mind, one that I think is necessary to make
life-altering decisions. Unless the marriage is abusive, I would think
it's worth waiting it out awhile longer and trying to work through what the
real, long-lasting, issues are. Chances are your weight is not at the
heart of this problem. And know that ending your marriage will not
necessarily lead to happiness. In fact, it's likely to lead to more
unhappiness, at least in the short term, as you adjust to life as a single
mother. Give this kind of decision some time and careful thought. Best
wishes to you.
— Vespa R.
October 26, 2004
All I can say is DO NOT SETTLE. Do not settle on anything in your life
that isn't good enough for you. I see some of these comments and I agree
with some of them but I believe that you must have intimacy in a marriage,
it is a huge part of marriage. Also, just loving someone isn't always
enough. Do you want a friendship or a marriage? I think you should
respect the fact that he is good to you and your daughter but you need to
sit back and ask yourself are you happy? And if you decide to leave and
make things better for yourself you are not necessarily going to be
depressed. You may discover another whole outlook on life. Listen to the
advice from others but this is a decision that you have to make on your
own. You deserve to be happy and so does your husband and daughter.
— Jennifer R.
October 26, 2004
Stacy, I have been where you are. I "settled" for a less than
ideal marriage because I didn't think I deserved better or could do better.
I ended up married to someone who was not affectionate (after the dating I
was lucky if he kissed me once a year, usually on New Year's) and NEVER
noticed if I did my hair, wore something new etc. I was treated as an
android and lost all confidence in myself as attractive and female. We
were really good friends, got along pretty well and could talk for hours
about anything but it wasn't enough. He was very critical of me and the
kids but never gave praise. It was demoralizing. After I had my VBG in
1997 and lost a bunch of weight I started getting attention from the
opposite sex and thought that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't so bad after all.
I tried talking to him about how I felt and it did no good. I finally had
enough and gave him an ultimatum, either he go to counseling with me and we
try to work around this or I was leaving as I was no longer willing to live
life this way. He refused counseling so I left. 6 weeks later I met the
man who would become husband number 2. He gave me all the affection and
attention I so craved but with it came a price. He was an alcoholic, he
was immature and was intensely jealous of my children, family, friends and
anyone else who prevented him from having 100% of my attention. Needless
to say, this marriage didn't survive very long! Now, I am single, in a
newly committed relationship with a whole lot better perspective of who I
am, what I deserve, and what I'm willing to put up with. All I can tell
you is search your heart, pray and then act in whatever way you feel is in
your best interest. Do not be one of those who sticks it out for everyone
else's sake and ends up bitter and old. Take a long and honest look at
your marriage and see if it is worth saving and if he is willing to work
with you to that end. If not, then move on but try to do so in an amicable
way so that your daughter doesn't have to suffer needlessly being between
two parents who hate each other. My first husband and I are still
friendly, we have a very open and amicable relationship with our daughter
who is fixing to be 15, I am friends with my "wife in law" and
was one of the first people to hold their new baby. Do I regret my choice?
Not for one second! Am I happier now? You betcha! I have been through
some very personal ups and downs since then but I would trade any of it for
going back to the way I was before. Good luck and God bless!
— Kellye C.
October 26, 2004
Dear Stacy, so sorry to hear of your situation. My heart goes out to you.
Unfortunately, this seems like a marriage/relationshiop that you just can't
take one day at a time because before you know it 10 years have gone by and
you are still miserable and never did anything about it. If you've alreay
decided you're unhappy and miserable basically you've just answered your
own question. Of course being close with someone and sharing with them and
having it take this sort of turn must be very heartbreaking. Ultimatly,
the decision is yours and I know it's not easy but I'm sure you'll do the
best you can. Good Luck!!!
— Lisa J.
October 27, 2004
Well, Stacy, You and most likely 90% of the others reading this will not
like what I have to say because it is not the popular thought in today's
society mindset of "throw it away." I do not want to sound harsh
or judgemental either, but I do want to give you some things to think
about. First and most importantly, what gives us the idea that we are put
here on this earth to have happiness? This idea that "happiness
belongs to me no matter what" is probably the biggest reason for the
moral decay of our country. This selfishness perpetuates the idea that my
happiness is more important than my child's or anybody else's for that
matter. <p>If you hadn't brought a child into the world, I would not
even have bothered replying, but the fact that an innocent child is
involved here gives me motivation to try to help you see this from another
perspective. Your daughter loves her daddy and her mommy. You said your
husband is a great father. She was brought into this world by the two of
you, and she requires a two-parent home. That is her right. Why is your
happiness more important than hers? You are the adult. She needs you both,
and you owe it to her to provide that stable home environment for her.
<p> I've lived the single parent life and I also made the mistake of
marrying again while still having children at home. I know whereof I speak.
I didn't have the perfect marriage or the perfect step-family. I struggled
to make ends meet as a single mom, and my kids had to go without because I
couldn't give them even the necessities of life at times.<p>If you
think you are unhappy now, Stacy, think what it will be like trying to
raise that little girl by yourself. Think about the parade of future
boyfriends and girlfriends you and your dh will be exposing her to--and
when she has bonded with those individuals and the relationships come to an
end, the grieving and pain she will again go through, and the ideas that
will be planted in her head that relationships don't last. Think about the
possibility of her having to deal with step-parents in the future, step
brothers and sisters, and the favoritism and all that huge can of worms
brings in. Think about the possibility of losing child support when your ex
decides to get married to someone who resents that money coming out of
their monthly budget. Or worse yet, think about losing custody of your
daughter and having to pay child support. Think about the possibility of
her using you two against each other and playing the power card when she's
a rebellious teenager, changing her mind about who she wants to live with
depending upon who ticked her off this week. <p>Think about the
holidays you will be spending alone without your kid(s) because it's your
ex's turn to have them; or how about trying to plan family vacations around
your ex and his new family. It can be a real nighmare. You may look back on
today and think, "Gee, I only thought I was unhappy. Now I know what
real unhappiness is."<p>I've said it before, and I'll reiterate
here: There are only 3 reasons for leaving a marriage. Dr. Laura has deemed
them "The Three A's" Adultery, Addictions, Abuse. If any of these
exist in your marriage, then you have the right to leave. If none of these
exist, then you owe it to your marriage vows, your child and your own
personal sense of integrity to work on the marriage and learn to find
happiness within the confines of your marriage. I strongly suggest you and
your husband attend marriage counseling together. That would show that you
both want to make it work. And you did say you still love him. I assume he
loves you, too. Please think hard before doing anything to dissolve your
family unit. Marriage is hard work. Even the best marriages have their down
times. But they can also turn around and become very fulfilling.
— artistmama
October 27, 2004
Stacy, I agree with the first post and that is great advice. Sometimes, as
our bodies change we gain attention that we never had before - especially
from the opposite sex. That attention can be a giddy experience and make us
think life is better on the other side of a divorce. It is hard. You owe
it to yourself to stick it out for a while and voice your concerns to your
mate. I am a firm believer that happiness comes from within and no on will
"make" us happy.
Sometimes, the thing we dislike most about our mates are the things we
don't want to admit that we see in ourselves.
These posts have given you a lot to think about but the decision is up to
you. Consider your choices wisely and don't rush. In the meantime, make the
most of the situation but getting into counselling. Good luck!
— LadyDi9080
October 27, 2004
Stacy, Follow your heart. I was in your same situation for 28 years. I
almost went crazy! I was in church and they said God hates divorce. So I
tried to do the right thing and stayed for my children. I tried divorcing
him for the time my first child was 3 mos. old. I did like you. I
thought no one would have me. I thought I had to take the first one that
came along. You see, my home life was awful! My parents were so very
strict. there were 7 children in our family. I was the only one fat. I
was ridiculed, laughed at, told I stunk, was told I was ugly. You name it
and it was said to me/ Now that was just by my family. Can you imagine
what it was like at school. I always tried to take baths and keep myself
clean but you know, I will never get over that. I still to this day am
afraid I might have an odor even though I know I don't it still scares me.
People can do so much to undermind you.. kkThat's the was it was when I was
married. I could loose 100lbs. and he would say ," I am so proud to
have you on my arm, but let me gain it back [and I always did} and all he
would do is buy Grippos chips and candy and bring it home. He knew how
hard it was for me to pass it up. I devorced him after 25 years of
marriage..I took Phen=fen lost 102lbs. He hadn't paid attention to me in a
long long time. All that mattered was our grandchild. Well they moved to
Georgia, he quit his job and went to Ga. too and while he was gone I filed
for divorce. He always got in front of the kids before and cry and go on.
Little did I know then what a put on he was. I told girls at work that
"my husband does not lie, I have the onlyman that does not tell lies.
Ha Ha Ha. Boy was that a joke on me. It turned out that he was the
biggest liar of all..What I am trying to say is I divorced him had an
affair made lots of people mad at me especiallly my two kids..I married
him back because I could not take my children being mad at me and
eventually they acame around but it didn't work out. I stayed around for 3
years I never saw a pay check and as a matter of fact he took my paycheck
the mental abuse was worse than it had ever been. I am now married to a
man that loves me we have been married 2 1/2 years. He gives me anything I
want. That really doesn't matter. What really matters is I am 51 years
old. I am finely happy because I searched for happiness. My daughter is
ok with it MY grandchildren adore him. My son doesn"t have anything
to do with me I am not included in any of his affairs. That really hurts
but I raised him the best that I knew how to do. He works with his dad
every day and his dad talks very bad about me. (Told my grandson that I
was a witch, because sometimes I can sence things). I do not say anything
about him uther that that he tells lies. They know that because they are
catching him in them now. Any way, Stacy, you have to do what you can do.
Children pick up on their parents when they don't get along. They are a
lot smarter that you think. Youo just have to pray and ask for Gods' help
and He will help you. You may need to stay until your child gets older
like I did. You will know what is right. My doctor is the onek who told
me to leave my husband. I kept having attacks and couldn't breath and
would go to him always crying and he asked me one day was I having familly
problems and I said yes and he said if I was having that kind of problems
then I needed to get out.
That was the best perscription I was ever given. Ha Ha, You have my
prayers and thoughts Stacy, Judy
— Judy 52
October 27, 2004
Stacy, I empathize with your situation; however, we choose to bring
children into this world & that obligates us to put their welfare
before our happiness. There will be plenty of time to be happy after she's
grown, but you'll only get one shot to raise her & do what's right.
God bless you!
— fowlerloriann
October 30, 2004
Stacey... I CAN & DO sympathize with your situation. Check out my
profile and you can read about my personal situation with a marriage that
was no longer working. I'm a Christian and felt I owed it to my faith and
my husband to stay, stick it out, whatever you want to call it. I'd
already been divorced once, due to my ex-husband's infidelity and didn't
want to go through that again. It always seemed like a "bad
joke" or something, to be 37yrs old and TWICE DIVORCED... What I've
come to realize is that God may hate divorce, but my soon to be ex has a
pornography addiction which has replaced any & ALL intimacy in my
marriage. This is not honouring the marriage bed as it ALSO states in the
Bible. He and I've been married over five years and have prob'ly only been
intimate 20 times or maybe even fewer. I moved out from our home about
three months or so ago and am staying with my mom temporarily while I get
back on my feet. Less than a month later, a friendship that I had with a
friend from my past turned into a spark of chemistry, that spark caused us
to want to spend more time together to see if things could work out between
us in a romantic way, we have SO much on common, connect on SO many levels
and he & I are VERY much in love, and I am the HAPPIEST I've ever been
as an adult. While I don't have any children, my personal belief is that
the greatest gift parents can give to a child is a happy marriage. Others
may argue with this, may say that as a Christian I shouldn't be getting a
divorce. But I know how much my happiness means to me, and I'm going for
it. I can't truly advise you, but just wanted to let you know that I know
what you're going through and I'll keep you in my good thoughts and
prayers. If you want, feel free to email me. I wish you the best. God
bless & take care. Amy
— Amy G.
October 31, 2004
I think that you should give your marriage 100%. Go to therapy or religious
guidance or support from friends and family, whatever is your preference.
If you are sure that the only way to happiness is to leave the marriage -
then you should. You feel you settled for him and now you regret it. Later
in life, you don't want to feel as though you settled for a bad marriage
and regret it, right? Life is short and I think that people who stay
together 'for the children' could be harming the kids even more so by
staying in a loveless environment. I grew up watching my parents argue
constantly and they divorced after 20 years of misery. They stayed together
for me and my sister. How wrong they were to do this as now I have no fond
memories of family vacations, holidays, or 'quality' time together. As much
as I see Brenda Z's point of your daughter seeing your boyfriends and his
girlfriends, think of what you are teaching your daughter by exposing her
to an environment of constant fighting, no warmth between you and your
husband, and no love or joy in her home. Don't fuss over the choices you've
made so far, those are done. Take inventory of where you are now and go
from there. Whatever you choose, it won't be easy and I wish you the best.
— Yolanda J.
Click Here to Return