Question:
Will men look at me differently once the weight is gone?
My surgery will be in April and I have a fear that men that didn't notice me will all of a sudden notice me, Has this happened to anyone before? I don't feel like I would want the attention from someone who did not notice me one bit when I was overweight. The reason why I am asking is because during my phsyc eval the DR told me that men tend to look at you more in a sexual manner and your thought of as an object than as a person. I really would hate to meet someone that shallow. — Lovett (posted on March 7, 2002)
March 7, 2002
I think that it all depends on the man!! Everyone looks at someonelse with
different thoughts running through thier mind.
— Robert L.
March 7, 2002
That is a terrific question you asked. I think in many cases the answer
will be yes. Part of that is due to the differences in men and women in
that men are visual and women go for the emotional. I am pre-op and will
have surgery April 2nd. I'm happily married and ironically have not had
difficulty finding partners or in dating situations in my past even with my
weight. But I do expect men to see me differently and at 51 it will be
nice to see a head turn. But be careful that you don't stereotype either.
There will be most men who will notice you by how you look and want to get
to know you better who are not shallow but maybe weren't looking then or
didn't see you, etc. This is where your life will be great in that YOU can
choose who is worthy of your future involvement. Most of us have someone
from our past, high school, college or whatever whom we had a crush on who
wouldn't give us the time of day because of our weight and it probably
hurt. When you see that person.... revel in your new looks and just kind
of wish them the ability to eat their hearts out but most imporantly revel
in the fact that you are going to live a much longer and happier life now.
So don't worry...just look forward to your new life.
— AJC750
March 7, 2002
The answer is yes. It was a little hard to handle at first, as men would
open doors and smile and talk to you after the weight lose and they didn't
when you were fat. That is where you have to make the decision to rise
above that and say thanks if they open the door and go on. If they want to
persue something more, then just hit them between the eyes and ask them why
am I ok now, but I wasn't when I was fat. That usually takes care of the
situation or makes them realize what an idiot they are. I have tried to be
honest about the situation and it has helped. I am at goal now and do get
a lot more attention from men and somedays get a pretty good laugh out of
how much they act like fools over a pretty lady. Then I just go home to my
great hubby who has been by my side thru fat and thin.
— gina P.
March 7, 2002
In a word, yes. I think what goes through the minds of most men when they
see a woman are two questions: 1) Would I? 2) Could I? In case that's
unclear...it's about sex. Of course, there is a veneer of civilization
(the thickness of which varies from man to man) over all that which tends
to influence behavior. This is not personal and has nothing to do with
whether YOU are acceptable as a woman or a human being. It's about
reaction to a first perception. If you go from MO to OMG, prepare for a
different reaction from men and take care of yourself. By the way, I've
gone from thick to thin and back again and have discovered that women are
not above treating men differently based on appearance.
— Phil M.
March 7, 2002
Men are way friendlier now, and I'm only 1/2 way to goal (down 90 pds).
This includes both men that I know, and those I don't. I don't think
they're all thinking lewd thoughts or anything ;) but I do get alot more
attention. It's rather annoying actually that I'm somehow more
"worthy" now, but as much as I dislike it, it's just the way life
is. Thank God I'm happily married and know my husband loves me for me, not
for how thin or fat I am.
— mom2jtx3
March 7, 2002
This is the same way I feel. There are men I've showed interest in who
don't know I exsist. I don't want them to notice me once I lose the weight.
Although if they do, I would definately tell them to forget it then. I am
going to be the same person, fat or thin...
— candymom64
March 7, 2002
After the weight started to come off, and I began to wear more
"normal" clothing sizes, I began to notice men looking at me. At
first I was terrified and wanted to run away, realizing that i had hid
under my weight, or had been using my weight as a shield as a protection
against others. Then, after admitting to these feelings, I began to feel
more confident, and now look forward to men looking at me, although I am in
a committed relationship with a wonderful man. Take the attention in stride
and allow it to aide you in boosting your self esteem as you become a
beautiful new and smaller you!!! It is good!!!
— twenc
March 7, 2002
Phil Mitchell: I loved your honest, intelligent answer to this post. You
are also correct, we women can be guilty of the same thing. Even as a MO
woman, I have found myself shying away from men who were MO. I never
realized this until I was chatting in the "romance" chatrooms for
BBW (Big Beautiful Women). One particular experience with someone I
befriended there was a real wakeup call for me to evaluate my own
insecurities. We all need to stop using sex as a weapon or as a wall...men
AND women.
— Anna L.
March 7, 2002
It's hard for me to read questions/think about issue like this because it
is a source of so much unhappiness and, dare I say bitterness, for me...I
am what's considered a lightweight on this site (250 lbs. at 5'5") and
am reasonably attractive, speak 3 languages, have a professional career,
perform stand up comedy, etc. etc. (in other words, an all around great
person)...and I haven't had a date or flicker of interest from a man since
the mid-90s. Yet perfectly ordinary THIN women date all the time. I know
it's not politically correct to say this, but part of the reason I am doing
this is so that I might be able to get a date before this decade ends. I
don't want to lead a lonely, sexless life, and I fear that if I remain as I
am, that may happen...For all the fat and formerly fat chicks who have
ended up with great men, more power to you...I sure wish you'd tell me your
secret...
— [Anonymous]
March 7, 2002
Another factor we may overlook is how we carry ourselves. Some MO people
try to keep a low profile and are more likely to be looking at the floor
than into the eyes of strangers. As we shed our extra weight and gain
confidence we are more likely to be direct and command attention from other
people. I'm not saying this applies to everyone. I don't think I was
exactly a "wallflower" while MO but I do have a friend who has
certainly blossomed since losing weight. I think her attitude change has as
much to do with the extra attention she gets as her change in appearance.
— [Deactivated Member]
March 7, 2002
I think that it is how you carry yourself. I know for my self I have lost
120lbs and is consider within normal weight range. But I am also
conservative and don't look for attention therefore I don't get any
attention. I think a part of it could be my attitude. Not saying my
attitude is bad - I just went through a divorce and I am not ready to
commit to another relationship. Right now I am trying to be a friend to
myself and love myself more before I give that love to someone else.
— [Anonymous]
March 7, 2002
Phil Mitchell, what a great response. Honest and humorous at the same
time. I love MO to OMG! And you are right this type of behavior is not
just limited to males. Now to address Tina's question: The answer is yes,
men will notice you. Lee Ann Krause hit the nail on the head. It's how
you respond to the behavior that counts. I started dating last summer, not
because I waited until I lost weight, but because I was widowed in 1998 and
was not ready until then. People have preferences in the "type"
of person they want as well as the "look" that person has. My
best friend (a male) tells me all the time how he wants to find a woman
just like me. Want to know why he doesn't want <b>me</b>? I'm
not blonde and 80 lbs. That's an insult, not a compliment, and I told him
so. He was ribbing me one day about how he'd ask me out if I'd get down to
110 (only because I'm tall!). I told him his ego weighed 110, I had no
desire to weigh 110, and I wouldn't go out with his shallow self anyway! I
got looks, phone calls, dates, presents, the whole nine yards from men
after losing my weight. No one had looked my way in nearly 3 years.
However, I was smart enough not to confuse lust for love, to recognize
ulterior motives in these men, and had the self-esteem to ditch the ones
who obviously had one thing in mind. So you know what I did? I made
myself a list. A list of what criteria I wanted in a person and vowed not
to settle for less. I intentionally set the qualities and values high,
because I really didn't think that man existed, and wanted to protect my
heart after getting hurt by one of the men I dated. But guess what...I
found him. He does exist, and we have been exclusive ever since. So, yes,
I am a former fat chick who has found a wonderful man. My secret? High
self-esteem, awareness, and patience. Don't sacrifice yourself for someone
else until you are SURE! Date casually...have fun...but be careful! You
don't want to trade the disease of morbid obesity for another...for
example, AIDS, or an std. Be smart, and know that you are worthy of
mutual, honest, and respectful love.
— [Deactivated Member]
March 7, 2002
I think I asked this very question a couple of months ago and got very
similar answers. I think the main and only difference you should be
concerned with is you and how you react to stimuli. The men will come.
They are there regardless of weight for some women. The important part is
figuring out who is right for you and the person within. The outer shell
can change at any time. The transformation from MO to OMG (I am sorry but
I had to use that it is too cute) is secondary to the changes to your
psyche. God Bless and good luck because the challenges are always there
but God does not burden us to heavily (pun intended).
— ShayZ
March 7, 2002
I have nothing to add, but had to comment on all the wonderful, awesome
answers everybody gave! Every answer had such inner heartfelt insight that
brought tears to my eyes. God bless you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— Laura G.
March 7, 2002
Hi, weird that this question was aked , as I was just talking to my mom
about this. I am a Home Depot shopper, I buy plants there, house stuff
etc... Before surgery I couldn't get anyone in that store to approach me
and ask if I needed help, I would always have to track someone down. The
other day, I walked in there and I had so many men ask me if I was finding
things ok, did I need help, blah blah, I was in shock!! I even had the men
that helped me take me to the area, and find the item for me, instead of
just pointing as they would before. At first I was amazed, even
flattered, but then after I left I kinda got upset that people in general,
not just men, treat obese people so badly and act like they don't even
exist. But to answer your question, I'd say yes, you will recieve more
attention from men. Bad or good I'm not sure, I've been on the end of both,
it just depends on how you handle it. Good luck to you!:)
— Carey N.
March 7, 2002
Hmmm - at the risk of being outed as just dang butt-ugly, I can't say
there's been a difference for me. Men didn't turn their heads when I was
MO, I don't notice that they turn their heads now that I'm a size 10. Men
held doors open for me when I was MO, and they still do. Maybe it's that I
don't notice this stuff, maybe it's that it's just not happening. I
believe it is largely a result of attitude and how you project yourself. I
do keep threatening my husband that I'm dressing up in leather and going to
a bar just to see if I can get hit on if I actually try! -Kate-
— kateseidel
March 7, 2002
I think its natural that men are going to react differently to an MO person
as they would to a slim woman. I don't mean they should ignore or be unkind
to anyone just because of how they look, but you like what you, y'know? We
all have our "types". I personally am attracted to men who are
more physically fit. I don't mind a little extra weight but I have to be
honest and say, I wouldn't be attracted to an MO man in a romantic/physical
way. I'm also not typically attracted to red headed men but that doesn't
mean I would disrespect them or not want them as friends. I just have my
own tastes in physical characteristics. As far as falling in love, I think
types go out the window...but I feel its often very important in that
initial attraction.
— [Anonymous]
March 8, 2002
This question really hit home with me. I had lost a lot of weight several
years ago (which I have now gained back plus some) and this guy that I had
always liked finally liked me and even told one of his friends that he
liked me just because I had lost weight. That really hurt, but I didn't
let it get me down. I smiled just the same and let him hit on me. My way
of handling it was to turn it into something good ---> self confidence.
I really needed some, and having a guy that I always like chase after me
was the key to getting it. I find it strange that now he is morbidly obese
and really depressed. I ran into him a few weeks ago and he was telling me
how nobody likes him and it is so hard to lose weight. He doesn't have to
tell me that! I would never wish Morbid Obesity on anyone, but I must say
that he really got a taste of his own shallow medicine.
— Kelly M.
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