Question:
Social Retardation...How do you overcome?
Hi folks, I'm going to try to discuss this without presenting it like a pityparty...but sometimes thinking about this can bring me to tears. This is more a thought/discussion for those who've been overweight since puberty who like me, blamed their weight on lack of friends.I'm in my mid thirties now, and marvel that a person can go this long in life and not develope one meaningful friendship with a peer. It's purely absurd to me. I isolated myself a lot in my teens to avoid the (often) horrible treatment I received from my schoolmates. At an earlier age I'd acted like a baffoon and laughed along with the fat kid remarks and danced around like a simpleton exaggerating my fattness just to make the kids laugh...just to be liked. At some point in my early teens, it dawned on me I was behaving like an ass. I developed a very self protective, extremely defensive attitude that I've maintained unfortunately to this day. I've thawed out a lot since loosing 140some lbs...but the damage is done. I've had friendships over the years, but not good ones. More like each of us (geeks/fatsos/etc) using each other to cover up our own inadaqecies...of which we would grow tired and move on to the next friend/victim. Now that I'm older and achieved a "normal" weight and am hopefully much more enlightened and mature I try not to blame people's either liking/not liking me based on my appearance, however it is still hard to overcome. I don't think I ever really developed the skills necessary to "make friends". Can any of you who've dealt with life long obesity relate to this? How are you doing with *un* isolating yourself? I've tried various craft classes, support groups, volunteer oppurtunities, but never really seem to click with anyone. I think now that I'm older, and married, and do not have kids, it's even harder to find peers to be friends with. Strange question, I know, but any insights, remarks, suggestions, would be greatly appreciated. My husbands only response to all of this (he doesn't really have any friends either) is "a friend in need, is a friend indeed". I love him lots, but that theory is pretty bleak. Thanks again. -Kim open RNY 7/17/01 -145ish — KimBo36 (posted on July 29, 2003)
July 29, 2003
Hi Kimberly- My son is socially retarted due to mild autism. He literally
had to be taught how to make and be a friend, etc. We have a wonderful
school system in which my son's peers are very nice to him. Unfortunately,
the discrimination against overweight people seems to have affected your
school years. That's too bad, because if your former classmates were
teasing someone for any other reason such as a mental or physical
disability, it would not have been tolerated. Just MHO. Kimberly, try to
think of it as your former classmate's shortcomings, NOT your own. You
were being teased for a disease that was out of your control. It also
seems disappointing that the school didn't step in. As you stated in your
post, you've "thawed out", that's you're self-esteem defrosting
:o) Sometimes it's not always easy for people who've never been overweight
to make friends either. I have always thought it's not the quantity of
friendships, but the QUALITY! I have many acquaintances whom I'm
"friendly" with, and 2 soul-sister friends who I can cry to and
share any problem. One I have been friends with since we were 11, the
other I just met 3 years ago. (I am currently MO but was normal weight up
until age 20.) My advice to you is to be friendly and outgoing with lots of
people, and some of them will become acquaintances and if you're really
lucky, some will become life-long true sister-type friends :o) Since you
don't go to my son's school (LOL), the adult version of what he was taught
was to make sure to use give-and-take during conversation, to show an
interest in the other person, and if you can't think of something nice to
say, you don't have to say anything :o) Your weight loss is phenominal,
best wishes to you! Mea :o)
— Mea A.
July 29, 2003
Do you work outside the home? If not, look for a job working with the
public; if you do, have you tried to develop a working relationship into a
friendship? Go to Church, not only is there lots of people but they also
have lots of social events. Play bingo, nothing like bonding over papers
and a dauber. You're going to have to keep trying until you can form a
relationship. Unfortunately people aren't going to come running up to you
first. Also you might not be the type of person who has lots of friends.
I have alot of acquaintances but only a couple of friends.
— y0maria
July 29, 2003
Dear Kimberly, I don't really have an "answer" per se, as I've
managed to bridge the social gap even though I've been obese since
childhood. I think that the best thing is to "always be
yourself". I've learned that no matter now 'cool', or 'nice' someone
is, there will always be people who like you and people who don't. Don't
try too hard to make them like you because when you do "click"
with someone, at least you know that it is the REAL you they like.
I admire you for getting out there and trying. While I've not been
socially retarded, I think I wasted a lot of my 30s being romantically
retarded - now I'm out of that, but i wonder what might have been. Good
luck to you!
— Donya P.
July 29, 2003
This is such a good and important question from my view! Having always had
a weight problem, and having always been so painfully shy, it has always
been difficult for me to be sociable and make many good frends. Most of my
life I have wanted to run away from others to be alone...no-one could hurt
me, call me names, or make fun of me if I was alone! After having had
surgery on 06/06/2000, and having lost the initial 60-70 pounds, I began to
notice the changes in how I was feeling about myself when I was around
others. I felt an overwhelming sense of embarrassment when anyone looked at
me or noticed me in any way. Then, after having lost the remaining weight I
became fascinated and curious with the stories of others. It was then that
I realized that I had hid under all of my weight because I needed a shield
to protect myself. I was astounded by this revelation because I had not
realized how afraid I was of rejection from others. Now, just over three
years post-op, I have realized that my social discomfort(which is actually
a social phobia!!) has been there all of this time...and now my social
discomfort is a phobia, and I am afraid to death to speak in front of
anyone. I had previously been trying to understand why. I now realize that
I have always been terrified, but now I do not have on my fat suit of armor
to protect me, so the fear is very intense and very scary.I do enjoy my
isolation still, and I do not know if that behavior will ever go away. I
too wonder how many other post-ops have a hard time with this.
— twenc
July 29, 2003
I think this is a good issue for therapy. With a GOOD therapist, you'll
learn how to relate to another human being in an honest relationship. My
therapist taught me a lot of things, including that I could be genuinely
liked and respected by another human being. And that this liking was based
on who I really was! I also learned during the therapeutic relationship
what I was doing that got in the way of forming relationships. Long-term
therapy was the best investment I ever made. WLS was the second best
investment! Just make sure if you choose this route, to get a really
experienced therapist - not a beginner.
— Kathy J.
July 30, 2003
I agree that you should seek therapy. So many people associate therapy
with "being crazy or weak", but we all go to a Dr. for physical
pain, why not emotional pain. I have gone through 4 therapists before I
found one that I just click with. He recommended a book for me called
"Boundaries" I can't remember the author, but the book is great.
It sounds like you built a wall around yourself for protection, but now you
need to learn how to know the wall down and learn how to let the good in.
This surgery has been the best and sometimes worst thing to happen to me,
the best because physically I feel great, but there are emotions inside
that I hid with eating and with help I am getting at those issues, but it
will take time. Don't sit home and cry, go out and get help, it takes
time, but you feel stronger as each week goes by (providing that you have a
good therapist) I found a Christian counseling center, (you do not have to
be a Christian to go), but I found that they are less "clinical"
and it feels a little more "human" than some of those offices.
You are already half way through the process, you dropped the weight, now
you need to drop the wall. Good luck!!!
— Dana B.
July 30, 2003
Great Question. Making friends is a slow process. Getting out and involved
is the first step. Consider joining an organization that meets regularly
(the more often the better). Get involved and get to know people. After a
while, ask someone you enjoy being with to do something outside the club:
meet of coffee, go shopping, go to a movie. Don't wait for someone to ask
you.
A great organization to join is Toastmasters (toastmasters.org). The
mission of each club is to provide a mutually supportive and positive
learning environent. It's a great place to gain communication skills and
develop poise. There are clubs everywhere and meet at all different times.
Mostly it is also not very expensive. Email me if you want more info or go
to the web site. Good luck
— Sunny S.
July 30, 2003
I am the SAME way. Your little scenario sounds exactly like me and I still
to this DAY do not have any friends. I watch people around me make friends
and I just keep myself isolated. I have gotten use to it. I go to groups
and clubs and NEVER make any friends... feel left out and out of place...
consequently I do not go back. You know what though? I found a friend on
this website. I found SEVERAL friends on this website. It is going to be
alright and I do NOT think you need "therapy". My husband has
friends and I don't and that is wild also to me, but that is the way the
"cookie crumbles". I know I would make a good friend... but
sometimes when you have friends in your life... you have MORE TROUBLE in
your life.
I think when it is meant to be, it will be. You are going to be fine.
Stay positive and things will go the way you want them. God Bless!
— Eleanore Davis
July 30, 2003
I think affiliating yourself with certain organizations is a GREAT idea.
Here's my suggestion to you. Get involved with some type of animal rescue
group. Here in Birmingham we have, of course, the humane society, and then
P.A.W.S. and T.E.A.R.S. and other wonderful animal rescue groups. The
thing that is good about these kind of groups is that they are usually very
nice, nurturing people. (Like any other group there's always an oddball
thrown in here and there). You don't have to take home a truckload of
animals - they're generally looking for people who will do anything to
help. Attaching yourself to this type of organization is usually rewarding
in two ways - you are able to help sweet animals find good homes and good
people find sweet animals AND you make nice friends. (I guess that's 3
ways) Anyway I think this might be just the thing for you. You can get
involved to any degree you want. I'm soon to receive 2 one day old kittens
who lost their mommy. My husband, my children and I will be their
surrogate mommies and daddies for about 6 weeks. Hope this is a thought
that might help you out!
— ronascott
July 30, 2003
I have always had a tough time maintaining friendships. I have a couple of
good friends now and here is what I've learned: Once you find someone who
has a lot in common with you and that you enjoy spending time with and vice
versa, keep the thread alive. Don't let too much time go by without
emailing or phoning to see how they are and shoot the breeze. (I'm not
saying every day, but you know not so long they go, "Who???")
Make arrangements to meet for lunch or have coffee. Plan to go to a really
great sale. Or whatever you both enjoy.<p>I have a good friend that
has two daughters close in age to mine. We meet once a month for a
playdate. Sometimes we go somewhere fun, sometimes at my house, sometimes
at hers. The girls play and the moms get to gab. We usually plan in advance
and we always send an email afterwards to say thanks and we enjoyed it. If
there is a misunderstanding or awkward situation, I apologize RIGHT AWAY.
Even if there was no harm meant. We know what is going on in the other's
life, but we do not dump on each other. I think this is a good friendship
and I protect it. Because I know what you mean: It is hard to keep a
friendship up.
— ctyst
July 30, 2003
Although I am only 20 and out of high school by merely a few years, I can
honestly say that I relate to your particular situation. I have been
overweight all of my life and even went on my first diet when I was eight.
The more ridiculing I received over the years, the more bitter and
defensive it has made me. I had no boyfriends in high school, never went on
a date, I haven't even kissed a boy since I was 12. I don't blame this
entirely on my weight though, as I did not have any good male role models
in my life, but I think it has a lot to do with my weight. In high school,
I was viciously ridiculed and made fun of almost every day. The whisperings
and pointing of fingers, the fat jokes behind my back, it was as if people
thought I was deaf and dumb as well. I could never play it off as a joke,
because it was something I was always very self-conscious of. The
"popular guys" would wait until all of their friends were around,
then shout across the room, "Hey Marcie, you hot thing, want to go on
a date? Come on baby, you know you want to." Everyone would laugh and
it would just kill me. It would amaze me how people could just say these
jokes at a whim and they'd never remember it the next day, but these same
jokes would haunt me for the rest of my life. I even had a group of the
"cool kids" steal my yearbook when I wasn't around. They wrote a
full paragraph of some of the most cruel and vile things I have ever read
in my life! This is in my yearbook, and something I will always remember.
What was worse, I went to a Catholic high school and we had to wear those
skirts. One gust of wind and mine would fly up, and the jokes just came one
after the other like rapidfire. I hung out with the "fatties and the
dorks" as well, and although we all banded together to comfort each
other from the crude remarks, after high school we went our separate ways.
I've had a few acquaintances but that's it, and I'm only hoping that having
this surgery will help me open up to people again. I have it next
Wednesday. Good luck to the both of us.
— mars.renee
July 30, 2003
Hi, Kim. Adult friendships have been an issue for me for many years. I have
exactly ONE close friend whom i've been close to for 10 years, but
unfortunately, she lives on the other side of the country. I love her
dearly, but with she and I living on opposite sides of the country, we
don't enjoy lunches or going to the movies together; our phone
conversations are the crux of our relationship.
I participated in a depression research group around a year ago. What I
discovered was my depression discolored many of the opportunities
surrounding me for developing new relationships. I shunned many social
situations, isolating myself and sabotaging my own goals to develop new
relationships. I also found that i rarely smiled at people, didn't make
direct eye contact, and avoided talking to others, which also perpetuated
my self-isolation. At our group, we were given a great book which was a
very practical and hands-on guide and included an entire section to
developing social skills and relationships. It's called "Control Your
Depression," and the author's last name is Lewinsohn. Even if you
don't believe you suffer from depression, don't let the title prevent you
from trying this book. After reading the social skills chapter, i found
that people began to respond to me and was successful at forging several
good relationships at work. I also found i was not afraid to speak my mind
and be myself, and once people found out there was actually a personality
behind the formally-blank and silent facade, they wanted to talk and
interact with me.
I'm still looking for a close friend in my area, but i no longer feel like
i'm on an island by myself. i talk to and laugh with others, even people on
an elevator. I think it all boils down to your attitude and what you
project. find the courage to be yourself around everyone, not just your
family members, and in doing that, you open yourself to the possibility of
social relationships. i encourage you to analyze what you're projecting
towards others, and wish you good luck in developing rewarding social
relationships.
— sweetmana
July 30, 2003
I recommend taking an improv comedy class. Not to perform, just for fun.
They are inexpensive (about $30 a class or so), and you interact with
people in a trusting environment. Any good class will maintain a high
level of trust. A lot of people need to come out of their shell and it is
a great, safe way to do it.
— mrsmyranow
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