Question:
anyone have a spouse who uses your weight as an excuse to call you lazy?
so many of you seem to have positive, supportive spouses, i wonder if anyone has a spouse who thinks because you are fat you are lazy and worthless. or who rejects any sort of physical contact, including hugs or even a pat on the back for support? do you advocate leaving, or sticking it out until things get better? i will DEFINITELY be having this surgery for me, not him, but i resent this treatment and wonder if anyone else has the same situation? love ya all! darci — darci T. (posted on April 17, 2003)
April 17, 2003
I can't tell you to stay or go but if someone were to abuse me like that
and they were my spouse they wouldn't be that for long. Get some counseling
to help you make the right decision. This sounds like abuse to me. Don't
take it. You are a valuable person. Keep coming back
— snicklefritz
April 17, 2003
Well I am 22 yrs old and that does not sound like someone I would want to
be with until death did us part, ultimately it is up to you-I think you
know you deserve better, you need to find this song called a Woman's Worth
by Aaliyah and listen to it, and if he can't treat like you the queen that
you are, then the only kiss he would get would be the one he plants on my
ass I am walking out the front door.
— TotallyTori
April 17, 2003
Darci,
I have one of the supportive spouses you mention and I don't know what I
would do without him.
I *had* a spouse like yours, and then I got a clue, got out, and never
looked back. By far the best thing I ever did for myself and my child.
Once a marriage gets to that point, there is no easy solution. It just
takes the strength to admit to yourself what you already know to be true.
If this is your situation, I wish you well with whatever you decide!
Lori =0)
— Lori A.
April 17, 2003
i think you already know the answer to your question deep inside your
heart. re-read your own question....but read it as if YOU didn't write it.
what would you tell that person?
— franbvan
April 17, 2003
Use him to have your surgery and heal
plan on 1 year
get then and then make sure you can support yourself and then dump the
a-hole
his loss
your gain...lol
— Kathleen M.
April 18, 2003
The "Dear Abby" answer is to ask yourself "Am I better off
with him or without him?" There are many factors in this formula. Do
you have children? Do you need his income or insurance for this surgery?
Can you support yourself and any children? Make a plan (I love making
plans). The first step may be counseling for you to improve your self image
and help you sort through some of these questions. Some kind of marrage
counseling may be a good idea but he may be resistent to that idea. You
cannot change him - you can only change yourself and how you react to him.
You changing may, and most probably, will trigger him changing but not
necessarily for the better. Good luck.
— Sunny S.
April 18, 2003
Darci - I could have wrote your question myself. I am now seperated from a
man who treated me like that for 13 years. Even when I was thinner and at
a pretty "normal" weight, he would treat me like I wasn't good
enough. In his eyes I was never good enough to touch, but I was good
enough to raise his kids, clean his house, etc., etc. And, in his mind,
even when I worked 2 jobs and was raising our 3 girls, I was still
"lazy." He is such a jerk! I can look back now and see that,
but I held on for way to long trying to "keep our family
together." Meanwhile I was falling apart! Hopefully, one day we will
both meet one of those supportive husbands who loves us for who we are.
— WY T.
April 18, 2003
OMG Darci, I hope you don't ever listen to that jerk that likes to call
himself a man. A man that would belittle or say a cross word to the woman
he claims to love shouldn't be allowed to marry or father children. I had
one of them and after 5 years of being put down I found the love and
support of my family, took my 5yr.old son and left. I was very, very young
and I thought I would die being by myself but, I wasn't by myself. I had my
friends and family who loved me and were there for me. You will know when
you've had enough. I'm sure you know what you need to do to achieve your
goals and it's just a matter of when. Look at the life altering decision
you have already made(wls). I not only think it's important for you to get
your body and mind healthy but your HEART also. Don't let him break it
anymore. My motto is" I would rather be alone than lonely" and
after being alone and happy for a little while, I found my new husband who
is all man. Take care of yourself first.
— sherri M.
April 18, 2003
Darci,
If you had a friend come to you and tell you a scenario like this was
happening to her with her husband, would you advise her to put up with it,
or tell her she's better than that...that she doesn't deserve that
treatment. A dog doesn't deserve such treatment? Well, whatever your answer
to your friend is, my question is....if you wouldn't allow it for your
friend, WHY in the world would you allow it for yourself? And, if you would
allow such treatment for a friend, I would recommend serious therapy...for
you!
Seriously...as obese people, we learn to accept treatment and endure many
things because society has taught us that we are inferior, and should be
"grateful" for any relationship that we can maintain, healthy or
not. THIS IS GARBAGE! Learn to love you...having this surgery is your first
positive step. The rest will follow. I hope that you listen to your inner
voice, that resentment. Where you are right now isn't healthy. Read my post
if you don't believe that I know what I'm talking about. THERE IS A GOOD
AND WONDERFUL LIFE OUT THERE FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS IT BADLY ENOUGH TO GO
AFTER IT. Best of luck to you.
— lisachris
April 18, 2003
Hi Darcy, I have a supportive spouse as far as having this surgery, but
before the idea of the surgery came along, our marriage was very rocky.
When we married, I was a size 10 and my husband looked like the cover of
Muscle and Fitness magazine. He is a man who has all the discipline and
will power in the world, eats right ALWAYS and works out religiously-it's
just the way he is. Well, I gained 100 pounds during our marriage and he
certainly did see it as my being lazy and undisciplined, and having no
pride in my appearance. I didn't work out because frankly it was too hard
at my weight to do so. He was frustrated as he could not "make"
me lose weight, and that frustration spilled out in not so nice comments.
Fitness was his world. His comments and disappointment in me, and my own
frustrations with myself, only served to heap more guilt on me which of
course led me to eat more food to comfort those hurt and rejected feelings.
Fast forward to today where I am now back to the size he married. He is
so much happier and so am I. We have talked of what occured pre-op and
while he is apologetic for how he treated me, and understands that I did
not gain weight to "hurt" him deliberately, the hurt I felt then
I still remember. I do understand that his frustrations got the better of
him, and both of us agree that he could have handled it much better, and
with respect. Whether you stick it out as I did, or leave has to be your
decision. I would try to start a dialog with him, though, either now or
later to try to find out why he treats you like he does. It may take the
intervention of a professional to help. Understanding why he acts as he
does, and he understanding how you feel and how his behavior affects you
and your relationship is important if any healing is going to take place.
You deserve to be treated by your spouse with respect. Good luck, Darci.
— Cindy R.
April 18, 2003
I know its is easier to say than do. Leave that is. I was there once with
my ex. He verbally abused me as well as physical. I really do not see
your hubby changing. Not that he can't but just wont admit he has a
problem so there is nothing to fix or change. Spouses can think stuff even
awful stuff silently to themselves but when it is vocal it is disrespect.
He is probably insecure about himself. You get strong and do what is right
for you.
— Tammy P.
April 18, 2003
I just want to add: In regards to your question about possibly
"sticking it out until things get better" -- When I read Tammy's
response (below), it reminded me of the most definitive deciding factor in
my situation with my ex-husband. Even with so many reasons to get out of
the marriage, I would come up with reasons to stay. I had a young child,
no job, no where to go, etc. I think we all try to rationalize the
behaviors and try to save our marriages. Tammy is right, they usually
don't change. But "what if..." hopes and dreams can keep us in
limbo forever. So I asked myself, "What if, when I woke up the next
morning, my husband was suddenly a changed man?" "What if, from
now on, we could have a normal, loving relationship?" I knew it was
time to let go of those hopes when I realized it didn't matter if he
changed. It was too late. If you are thinking of sticking around, maybe
ask yourself, how much irreparable (emotional) damage has already been
done? If your best-case scenario came true - Could you forgive him, not
harbor any resentment? If your answer is yes, then you still have a major
decision to make. If your answer is no, you already know what your
*ultimate* decision will be, and it is just a matter of acting on it! Be
well, Lori (<--stepping off my soapbox now)
— Lori A.
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