Question:
I am post op, is it normal to feel this way about MO friends?
I have a really close friend that I think would benefit greatly from WLS. And I don't know if I should try to encourage her to do the research. I have told her how wonderful I feel emotionally and physically and she has seen the physical transformation. (over 100lbs lost in 7 months!) But when we talk about my surgery she says she will not "take the easy way out." She'll "do it the old fashioned way". It just infuriates me! She doesn't have good relationships with her children and is in in a horrible marriage for 20 plus years. Her husband has cheated on her too many times to count. She says she knows it's because she is overweight. I beleive in my heart that if she had this surgery that her self worth would improve and she would let go of this unhealthy relationship with her husband. I just don't know how to approach her or even if I should. Is it MY place to make this suggestion to her? Or should I just say nothing and continue to be supportive when she calls crying about her family and their relationships? I don't know what to do. Has anyone else felt this way after having surgery? I know that everyone is going to say that this surgery is not a cure all, and will not fix relationships. I just want her to work on her and feel that she is worth more than this. If I were to bluntly suggest she have surgery what should I say? — Terri N. (posted on March 8, 2002)
March 8, 2002
I would not have had this surgery if a co-worker hadn't prodded me. I kept
telling her that I was just going to keep working at it the
"old-fashioned" way, but I kept seeing her progress every week
and finally made the decision to check things out for myself. I am now one
year post-op and down 166 lbs. (thank you, thank you) I think that, by
serving as an example, you will be help enough to her. You can't twist her
arm, but you can live your life the best you know how, and she will
eventually ask for more details about the surgery. My mom was the exact
same way. She kept saying I was taking the easy way out and she would do
it the old-fashioned way ... but seeing me now, she said she's going to
look into it. Yeah!!!
— Terissa R.
March 8, 2002
Your appearance and happiness is enough suggestion. Your comments are not
necessary. I wouldn't say another word about it unless she approached you.
But if she says it's the easy way out, tell her I said, "YEA
RIGHT!" I love that. What a cop out. Maybe she likes her
"thick coat". Some people say that the fat is an emotional
blanket. Perhaps this is the case for her. If she was my friend, I'd be
frustrated out of love and also sad for her. Good luck to you and your
friend.
— Jeannet
March 8, 2002
I have a friend that has to be pushing 750-800 pounds.
he is enormous. I have sent him e-mails with this sites link. I made him
aware that I am having this surgery.
He lives in another City, so he has not seen me sice before surgery. I
can't wait to show him it really does work. He really needs to do something
before he dies.
— sbinkerd1
March 8, 2002
Well, I think people are always afraid that post ops (or anybody who's lost
massive amounts of weight) will come on too strong, like former smokers or
evangelists...but I haven't noticed that trend with people on this site.
The standard phrase is "Do all your research and IF you feel
comfortable "Go for it!" Which is what you have been doing...so
it sounds like this is your friend's hang up. There is so much shame
associated with being MO... But we all have to reach the insight that
maybe, just maybe this could work, in our own good time... Keep being a
role model, keep being a friend, (and if you go to a WLS support
group,invite her along) and maybe one day she will G.F.I.!
— rebeccamayhew
March 8, 2002
I understand how you feel. But, your friend has seen what wls
has done for you and if she were interested, she'd pursue the matter.
You might think she'd benefit from wls; but, obviously she doesn't. So,
if you want to maintain this friendship, keep your thoughts to yourself.
I speak openly about my own wls experiences; but, I draw the line at
recommending it to someone else. I remember how much I resented
unsolicited
weight loss advice. My MO friends and relatives know that should they
ever
need advice or info about wls, I'm more than willing to help. You have to
be
careful with fat friends, because you don't want to give the impression the
impression
that you are bragging.
— margaret N.
March 8, 2002
I know how irritating it is to have friends who constantly complain about
their situation but refuse to do anything about it (I'm not just talking
about the problem of being MO). I'm always sympathetic at first and offer
suggestions, but when they keep it up I feel like saying "yeah, are
you ever going to do anything about it?". Depending on how you look
at it though, that may not be being a good friend. My mother is MO and has
been forever, but she thinks surgery is crazy and will do it "the old
fashoned way" also (If you can call the Suzanne Sommers diet old
fashioned....). Anyway, you just can't live people's lives for them. I
think seeing you lose the weight will be influence enough. She has to want
to help herself, and she doesn't seem to have much motivation to do
anything though if she lets her husband cheat on her over and over. And
even if she did have the surgery, it may likely only solve the MO problem
(which sounds like it is only one of many).
— [Deactivated Member]
March 8, 2002
The only thing you can really do is live your life to the fullest. I know
how much you want to help, but I'm sure she already realizes that the
"old fashion way" isn't working being she is still over weight.
Some people just deny that a change really needs to take place. I was like
that at one time and didn't want to admit that I really had a medical
problem that required medical treatment. Just keep on living! She just may
come around and want to follow in your footsteps. If not, you know you've
done what you could.
— Sarah K.
March 8, 2002
I think you should do it like this [ ."(Friend) I really care about
you, and I want to see you happy. You seem to be miserable with all your
relationships and your weight. I realize that you think having WLS is the
"easy way out", but what is wrong with making yourself happier,
and healthier, if it's easy, ... Nothing. AS your friend I really would
just like you to look into WLS, and if you decide that it is not for you
after researching the pros and cons, I won't bring it up again, and our
friendhsip will go on like it always has,".] It's blunt but not
overbearing and more than likely it won't hurt her feelings. Good luck to
you :)
— Carey N.
March 8, 2002
Your describing my best friends daughter. We dated off and on for well over
10 years and are still friends. I asked her to marry me several times.
Sharon is MO, and devloping problems, heel spurs, and is at a hugh risk for
diabetes and her BP is reportedly high. Cant fit in many amusement park
rides anymore which are one of her favorite things. Her dad thinks she
should have surgery, based on my doing so well. She says its the easy way
out, and I guess fir ME it was, after surgery was over. All we can do is be
a GOOD EXAMPLE, eventually they may come around. Or sadly a health crisis
may spurn them to action. I present surgery as a option for lots of folks
but ultimately its their decision. Even Jen was reluctant to get WLS untill
I was months post op. Its good that everyone decides for themselves, Thats
the ONLY thing keeping me sane because of my friend Wanda Smart. She found
me here and called me on the phone. Me and Jen and Wanda and Jack her hubby
all had dinner one night. Wanda had backed out of surgery once, and after
meeting me decided to go ahead. Her words were I WAS HER INSPIRATION. She
had surgery February the 11th and has had a leak, multiple surgeries, has
been on a vent nearly the entire time since surgery, nd is still in ICU .
She is due to be trached monday in the hope to get her off the vent. She
told Jack she wants to die, turn off the equiptement since she has a living
will. I am living with this and think about it constantly. I am Wandas
angel. So dont push friends too much, or you might live to regret it....
— bob-haller
March 8, 2002
She has already given you an answer. I would not suggest it again. It's a
decision she'll have to come to on her own. I know when I was still
married, I used my weight as an excuse for not having any real closeness
with my husband. He did not cheat on me, but we might as well have been
brother and sister. In fact, he is still a good friend. However, I was
afraid that if I lost weight, I would have to face the fact that our
marriage needed to end and I was afraid of that too. I didn't lose weight,
but we did finally get divorced.
— garw
March 8, 2002
I JUST WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU. My earlier comment to this subject
mentioned Wanda Smart. I am her angel. Her surgery was february 11th.
Unfortunately it has gone poorly for her. She is still on a vent in ICU,
and has had leaks and multiple surgeries. Monday they are traching her. I
mentioned earlier that posting to her surgery page is way off after all
this time. Well a lot of nice folks stopped by and left their hugs and
prayers. Thanks so much.
— bob-haller
March 8, 2002
Please, respect your friend's wishes. She knows what surgery could do for
her and her health. She chooses not to want the surgery. For some people,
their weight is a crutch that enables them not to look more closely at
their other problems. Your friend may feel that she would rather be
overweight, even with the health risks, then to lose her husband, change
her lifestyle, or confront other fears. If and when she makes the decision
to have surgery, it can only be her decision. At that point it will be
your job to support her in every way that you can. In the meantime, accept
that she has made her mind up and support her in other ways. Don't lose
her as a friend by pressuring her into something this big that she is
simply not ready for.
— cjabates
June 25, 2002
I just had to comment on people, we've met, who think WLS is the easy way
out. Even though postops can heartily testify WLS is NOT the easy way out,
let's pretend for a moment it is. That doing it the 'old fashioned way' is
somehow more noble and gives you many more martyr points. What do you get
for all those martyr points and how many does it take to qualify for the
George Foreman Grill? On what scoreboard does all this nobility and
martyrdom go on and what is the prize received at the end? I don't care if
Frank Sinatra rises out of his grave and sings "I Did it My Way"
for me. Trying to belittle WLS as the easy way out is only code for
"I'm afraid to change right now."<----been there and got the
T-shirt! Anyway, whenever I hear that now, it cracks me up.
— Carmen K.
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