Question:
How do I make my husband understand?
I started looking to having surgery while we were stationed in Turkey. My husband really never said anything about it. We found out that we were returning to the states so I dicided to wait. Now that we are here and I have found a surgen and have an apt. my husband told me he does not what me to have it. All he says what if something goes wrong. I do not want to fight over something like this. I am not trying to be thin like the pictures in the papers I just want to be healthy. I have 4 children, 2 that are 12, 1 is 5, and the last one is 3. I feel like I can not play and run with them. I want that so much. Can anyone give me any sugestions on how to make my husband understand. — Christine H. (posted on February 1, 2003)
February 1, 2003
Ask him what will happen if you don't have the surgery. I don't know what
co-morbidities you currently have, but continued morbid obesity is not
going to make the situation better - it will make them worse. Other
co-morbidities will appear too. I used to be "healthy despite my
weight", but as I put more weight on and time went by, things began to
go wrong. Diabetes, arthritis in the knees, sleep apnea, etc.
<p>
The odds of your life being significantly shortened by the continued MO is
much greater than something going wrong with the surgery...JR (open RNY
07/17 -142 pounds)
— John Rushton
February 1, 2003
Okay, sounds like your husband is in the service, so he is probley slim and
healthy, sounds like you being MO does not bother him, he loves you and is
mostly scared and he is not carring around the weight everyday, so how
would he understand. Tell you what to do. Take a weekend and strap a bag on
his back, that weights the same amount that you are overweight, let him
watch the kids, you go to a movie or go pamper yourself, he can not take
the weight off for any reason, and make him wear a heavy sweater, because
being MO makes you run very warm all the time. After one weekend he will
have a better understanding of what you are going threw, then share this
website and all your research with him, he will come around. But, I put
odds that he will not do it, make him, it is the only way he will
understand completly. Good luck, hope this helps.
— cindy
February 1, 2003
He is only seeing the negative about the surgery. I would find out if
there are any support groups in the area and check one out. He might be
willing to go to one but if he isn't it would give you a chance to meet
some post-ops there that might be willing to talk to your hubby and meet
him to "SHOW" him the wonderful positive side to having the
surgery. He probably doesn't realize at how much life you are both missing
out on without it. My hubby wasn't completely thrilled with the idea
either in the beginning but it didn't take long for him to come to the
conclusion that it would make me a happier person and that would reflect in
our family as well. Good luck!
— Laurel C.
February 1, 2003
My husband was concerned also prior to surgery. Now he thinks it is the
best thing I ever did. I also have four kids ages 13, 7, 6, and 3. Now
instead of watching them grow up I am an active participant. Have him read
my profile and tell him to email my husband at my email address with any
questions. My husband has talked to a lot of other husbands and is usually
able to calm some fears.
— Linda A.
February 1, 2003
I don't know what you could say that would calm his fears. My orthopedic
doctor told mine that I had to lose alot of weight fast and keep it off or
I would be in a wheelchair within the next few years. Well, my husband was
okay with it after that, but now he is so angry at himself for letting me
go through with it. I almost died several times this past year and he
blames himself. Your husband has every right to be afraid, because his
fears are valid. Bad stuff can happen! Alot of good has come from me
doing this surgery, but I still don't know if it was worth putting him and
my son through all this pain. I don't encourage or discourage anyone from
having this surgery, but it is a risk and needs to be treated as one. If
it were just me I had to think about, I would have done it all over again,
but I am not sure if I could willingly do this to my family again.
— Karen E.
February 1, 2003
gosh you sound just like me! i'm military too and was in germany and i also
waited untill after the move. ok...there could be two very different
reasons why he is so against the wls. one is he is very concerned for your
safety. if that is the case maybe you should have him read material about
wls. this might help calm him.or.... maybe he feels if you change that he
will have to change in some way too. i've been married 11 years and i know
how married people get settled with each other(doing things you would never
do in front of other humans haha). wls will be a big change for you AND
your family. he might just be so comfortable with how things are now that
he is afraid of how things will be after.
— k K.
February 1, 2003
This the first time I have posted, but have been reading on this board for
a couple of months. I have been approved for surgery and awaiting
notification of surgery date. My husband was very alarmed that I was
considering having this surgery done as I am 58 yrs. old and, of course, he
is worried that I will die. I have 4 herniated discs and facing a
wheelchair down the road. Neurosurgeon says I am not a candidate for back
surgeru as too complex and severe back problems--run risk of more pain
following surgery for it. I am going to a pain clinic for past year and
getting epidural injections and just started radio frequency ablations. I
sign a form before each procedure stating that I am aware that the
procedures could result in death or paralysis. My family (hubby and 2
adult kids) did not hesitate to have me explore neurosurgery on my back.
Frankly that surgery scares me more than the RNY procedure. When I pointed
all of this out to them, they reflected more on this and now more
supportive. My husband is worried about losing his diet partner (he needs
to lose weight too, though not as overweight as I am) and wondering how it
will affect family dinners, eating out and social activities. So, we are
talking to people who have had it done and information gathering. He has
yet to read anything on it other than some postings on this board. He
plans to read some things before I have the surgery. I said to them that I
would rather take the risks with this surgery and gain my activity level
back, than keep on with diets that I have been doing for 30 yrs and just
keep gaining more weight.
— Suzanne S.
February 2, 2003
HI Christine,
My husband was the same way, and I think a lot of our spouses feel that
same way. They are so afraid that they are going to lose us in any surgery
situation, but this is a "gastric bypass" and there is so much
negative stigma attached to it due to negative press. Although,
thankfully, in the last few months there have been good positive press
attached to it so you may want to point out those stories to him. I know
for my husband he was afraid I was going to die, he did not know all the
risks associated with me being morbidly obese, he thought I was "just
fine" as big as I was at 251. The other thing, he was one of those
guys that "liked big women." I was not happy, I made our life
and marriage miserable and he had to concede to it eventually, because our
marriage and family was falling apart. I finally got him to take a look at
some materials from the web detailing some of the surgery and outcomes
about WLS and RNY, the pro's and con's, so that he could understand what
exactly I was going to go through. The other thing, I had him go to one of
my pre op appointments so that he could ask my surgeon any questions about
my surgery, have his fears put to rest or reassured. And this seemed to
alleviate the stress of his "negative" attitude toward my desire
to have the RNY. Eventually, he came around and accepted that it was MY
decision to have surgery, because I told him no matter what HE thought, I
was going to have surgery, with or without his support. I would LOVE to
have him with me every step of the way but if he couldn't be there, I was
walking on without him. I think by my standing up and stating that these
were my aspirations and goals, he knew I meant business. I hope this
helps...But getting him to understand that this isn't for vanity, it's for
your health, maybe he will understand better. Hugs <3
— Marni
February 4, 2003
Have your hubby read this web site.. it will tell him exactly what he needs
to hear to get him behind you on this..
http://www.wlscenter.com/Significant_Others.htm
— Faith O.
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