Question:
Do any of you suffer from a rocky marriage because you can't physically keep house?
I really need to know if this is just all in my head. I had surgery around 6weeks ago and have lost around 40 lbs. I have suffered from depresson for many many years because of childhood abuse. It seems that I am not able, either physically or emotionally, to keep the house clean. I have so many days that are riddled with pain and that I really just don't feel well and I can't seem to make myself get up and do the things that I need to. This has become a very serious issue in my marriage. My husband is always telling me that I never do anything and that he's sick of doing everything. We have two toddlers which I do take care of everyday and they are very rambunctious, to say the least. This makes it very hard to get anything done as well. I hear myself and say, just like my husband says there's always an excuse. Why can't I just do it. Other people are a lot heavier than I am and they manage to clean house. My friends say that he mentally abuses me, but is that really true? I remeber taking care of my mom the last few years of her life, she worked full time and was not able to do anything else. I cooked, I cleaned I took her everywhere. I never resented her because I had to do these things, but I did resent that I couldn't do what I wanted to all the time. So why does he resent me so much, I know, he's tired of doing everything. — [Anonymous] (posted on June 29, 2001)
June 29, 2001
Sounds like you have more problems than just whether you are able to clean
house or not....
Just my opinion...Does your husband not realize that you just had major
surgery and it will take about 3 months to completely heal inside?
Could also be the depression that I have been reading about that is so
common post op.
I, personally would talk to your doctor or a counselor.
If people are telling you he is mentally abusing you, it's quite possible
that he is. People can usually see more from the outside than a person can
that is on the inside.....
— Brenda S.
June 29, 2001
You have brought many issues to the surface in this question. There is no
simple answer for what you ask.
Chronic depression, lack of energy, abuse issues and marital issues are
interwoven and complex . As a therapist I would urge you to get good
professional help. There are so many effective treatments for depression
today and certainly there is healing to be done about your abuse issues
both of which probably effect your energy level. As for the issue of your
husbands resentment, it maybe simply that he had different expectations of
his wife and how she would manage the home or it maybe that your depression
impacts your relationship and that he does not understand the insidiousness
of the illness and how it impacts your motivation. With two little
children depending on you there are a lot of reasons to try to resolve
these concerns. Most importantly so that you can enjoy and participate in
your families life as fully as possible and just as important because those
toddlers are depending on you and your spouse to meet their physical and
emotional needs, hard to do when all is well , let alone when you are not
up to par. Life is too short to be miserable get some help. Please!
— [Anonymous]
June 29, 2001
Sounds like you have more problems than just whether you are able to clean
house or not....
Just my opinion...Does your husband not realize that you just had major
surgery and it will take about 3 months to completely heal inside?
Could also be the depression that I have been reading about that is so
common post op.
I, personally would talk to your doctor or a counselor.
If people are telling you he is mentally abusing you, it's quite possible
that he is. People can usually see more from the outside than a person can
that is on the inside.....
— Brenda S.
June 29, 2001
Although you do need time to recover and regain your energy, you may be
suffering from clinical depression. Please, go in and talk to your family
doctor. Ask him about depression. There are treatments that work quickly.
Best wishes.
— Cindy H.
June 29, 2001
Just so you all know I am taking antidepressants and have been in treatment
for over a year. Thanks everyone.
— Lisa B.
June 29, 2001
Your post is similar to my own life. I am,however, preop. I have four
children ranging in age from 13 to 2. I recently divorced my husband of
thirteen years, due to physical and emotional abuse. I have been treated
for depression and bi polar disorder for about seven years. However, I
just married my new husband in Janurary. I have such a hard time keeping
the house clean. He is just not used to the clutter of four children. He,
however, doesn't insult me about it. He just wishes the kids would help me
more than they do. It has caused such big problems in my marriage. I feel
that if our marriage lasts for more than a year longer it will be a
miriacle. I just don't know how we will work through all of the problems,
and I get more depressed as each day passes. My advice to you, which I
should probably follow myself,is counseling. God be with both of us and
maybe we can work through these tough times.
— charlotte D.
June 29, 2001
I have had the same problem you have. When i was married the first time i
went through the not being able to clean the house thing. It was so bad i
couldn't even get off the couch. After my first c-section it only got worse
because the total lack of energy was coupled with pain. After my third baby
i finally went to see a psychologist. He recommended i have my thyroid
levels checked. We found out my thyroid was not working properly (causing
weight gain and the fatique) and also i had severe depression. I was put on
synthroid for my thyroid and antidepression medication for the depression.
I got quite a bit better, not to say i still don't struggle with it. And
yes, husbands can get nasty. Try to explain to him you are not just being
lazy, if he doesn't want to listen then that is his problem. He is your
husband and is supposed to support you. Good luck to you
— paula B.
June 29, 2001
The fact that you have 2 rambunctious toddlers and therefore a messy house
is NOT an excuse, it's an EXPLANATION!!!!
Yes, I consider his behavior very abusive, thoughtless, selfish, and
boorish. I would love to see what the house looked like at the end of a day
that only HE took care of the kids!!! Now how about if he had to do it day
after day, PLUS be ridiculed and scorned for not being good enough, AND
right after major *&%*&$%## SURGERY!!!!!!
As you can tell, your situation makes me very mad! I too agree that
anti-depressants and counselling (even just for you, if he won't go) will
help. Hey, things aren't going so well now, so you MUST make a change for
the better. And in the meantime, keep getting a reality check with this
board or your friends to realize just how insensitively this guy is
treating you.And for god's sake, DON'T BELEIVE HIS OPINIONS OF YOU!!!!!!
— Veronica D.
June 29, 2001
I so understand. I too have a very wild toddler making cleaning house hard
to nearly impossible. I had surgery 6 weeks ago so I also know the
tiredness and pain. While my husband doesnt out right say anything about
the house he will say things like I dont have time because I still have to
blah blah blah. So what I have been doing is Once a week I get my mom or my
sister to come over and help me clean. Mop dust bathrooms the whole bit.
This helps because I am starting from clean and if I can manage to pick up
the toys and dishes before I go to bed it stays basically ok. But towards
the end of the week it is again a disaster. So in short my suggestion is to
find someone to help you one day a week until you get your energy back.
Good Luck.
— Robin C.
June 29, 2001
I can understand about not being able to keep house. I also have depression
and two small girls. Luckily I have a very understanding hubby who helped
out alot but I felt useless because I felt like I was'nt doing anything.
It's hard raising kids,cleaning,cooking,especially after such a big
surgery.It was a very hard few months and I am 5 months post op and just
starting to feel like I can do housework,it still takes me along time. Try
to have him understand that the surgery you had was a major one and it will
take time to get normal feeling. Maybe hire a house cleaner once in awhile
without him knowing.
— Vel K.
June 29, 2001
Interesting situation...cleaning house is one of those ambiguous issues
because it is measured against a standard...like, "I clean the
bathroom all the time, at least once a week." versus "You never
clean the bathroom, but maybe once a week!" A house needs to be clean
enough to be healthy and dirty/messy enough to be happy. And, you may be
fighting a major depressive episode that is robbing you of energy. Get
thee to a doctor and be evaaluated for an antidepressent medication. You'd
be amazed at the difference it can make. Secondly, let your husband know
this is just a temporary situation, not a character flaw, and that you'd
appreciate a little more understanding on his part. Otherwise, your are
going to put his irritating comments under the catagory "Why I am
Leaving Your Ass Now That I Have Lost Weight". Good Luck!
— merri B.
June 29, 2001
I feel sorry that your husband doesnt understand, I think he has some of
his priorities mixed up. Im sure if u felt up to it u would do it. I had
surgery in Oct. 2000 had major complications, was in the hospital 3mos and
my husband had to do EVERYTHING!!!! feed himself, wash clothes, clean
house, pay bills and work and visit me twice a day. Your husband needs to
be alittle understanding, ask him if he would like to trade places with u.
I also suffer from depression and am on medicine which makes a big
difference. Your body has alot of adjusting to do with a major surgery and
quick weight loss, maybe your energy will come back after u loose alittle
more weight. DONT BE SO HARD ON
YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its very weird but one day
u will wake up and go go go and wonder where the energy came from and u
will be on your way. Are u taking your vitamins and eating lotsa protein?
I have a feeling there is more to your husbands anger than "cleaning
the house", is he overweight? Maybe jealous? He is probably afraid u
will leave when u get thin, most couples go through it, its normal and many
do split up if they dont have a strong foundation. Hope this helped, if u
would like to email me feel free. S.
— Sena P.
June 29, 2001
Lisa, I am right there behind you, but I am pre-op and desperately hoping
that it gets better for me post-op. My husband, to put a not-so-fine point
on it, is an ass about this issue too. We have a 17.5 month old who is
sweet but a major mess-creator, and he does absolutely nothing to keep the
house clean and tidy. I asked him what his contribution was to the effort
and his honest answer was "I remind you to do it". I take care of
our daughter 97% of the time, I work full-time at a very demanding job, I
take care of all my daughter's daycare needs (and night-time needs, and she
is still nursing!) and I am struggling with the very real problems that 150
extra lbs give a person, and he thinks I can keep house too? His only
responsibilities are his daughter 3% of the time and his admittedly
demanding job.<br><br> My solution to all of this mess is to
hire a housecleaner at least twice a month. That way, even if we are living
in some level of chaos, we are not living in our own filth as we'd been
doing for the past six months or so (life was easier when the baby was
little and I did get more done then). I find the extra $200 a month hard to
swallow, but in my mental budgeting, the money comes out of my husband's
side... if he wasn't so lazy, and did help around the house, we wouldn't be
spending the money!<br><br>If money is too tight to even
consider this (and it was for us for years) maybe you could talk about this
at your support group meeting (you do go to a WLS support group, right?)
:-) and then team up with another gal who is also struggling with this. You
can take turns cleaning one of the houses together. Somehow, cleaning
someone else's house is easier than cleaning your own, and you'll have the
camraderie to lift your spirits. When it's your turn, hopefully she will be
more physically able than you and you'll both be able to make a big dent in
the mess. And please, DO NOT be too ashamed to do this kind of thing. As
long as you pick up any underwear and socks first, there's no reason to be
ashamed!! :-)<br><br>
Other things that have helped me deal with the chaos of toddlers...
<ul>
<li>put away some of the toys. Divide the toys into three or four
piles and put away all but one pile. They will be happy to play with just
one set of toys and when you rotate them to another set, the toys will seem
"new" again!
<li>teach the toddlers to help put things away.
<li>have some upbeat, time-to-put-things-away music. This will make
the chore go faster!
<li>let your toddlers help you with the chores around the house. They
won't be much real help, but it makes a deep impression on them for helping
out in the years ahead.
</ul>
Oh, and one more thing. If your husband doesn't do much around the house,
tell him to shut his trap about the conditions there! I told my husband
that until he spent at least two hours a week doing housework, or
contributed an equal amount of cash, that he had no right to say anything
about the condition of our house. It hasn't really worked much in terms of
getting things cleaned, but it's made me feel like less of a doormat. It
<b>is</b> emotional abuse, and you <b>don't</b>
deserve it! Does he <b>really</b> do
"everything" when you factor in the number of hours of
childcare that you are providing? I doubt it! Trade jobs with him. Make him
take the kids out for a whole day. Spend the first 1-2 hours relaxing, and
then put on some loud, feel-good, energizing music and make an honest
effort at cleaning one or two rooms. You'll feel better as the house
improves.<br><br>
Obviously, this is a hot topic for me too! I hope you get things
straightened out so everyone is happy, otherwise, one of the other posters
is right, this will become "one of the reasons I'm leaving your sorry
ass" after you lose all the weight. That poster made me
laugh!<br><br>
You've worked so hard to come through surgery and your weight loss is going
so well! GOOD WORK! Don't worry, as you make a dent in the housework
situation, it WILL improve. Find a cleaning buddy or hire a service,
preserve your sanity at all costs. And do find a WLS support group. You
need it, we all do!
— Julia Z.
June 30, 2001
Hi. Your house sounds a lot like MINE. I don't know that I would say I
was depressed...but my weight and added burden on the household of three
small children sure got ahead of me. I am now 3 months post op and am able
to keep up on the house a little better. Although sometimes we are on the
go and the house just gets trashed. I have to say that our messy house has
disappointed my husband over and over since we started having children. He
was used to his mother....she kept an immaculate house. I am a
slob...usually. But I try my best. He is also a slob...so I guess I
lucked out in that he can't say much about ME. But it has caused stress on
us.
I liked the suggestion about dividing up the toys. I do that and it works
WONDERS. One small toybox is all I try to keep out for the kids. Also,
before and right after surgery...I had a footstool with wheels on it. I
sat on that and wheeled myself around the house with trashcan and toybox in
tow and that's how I cleared my floors to vacuum. I have to
say...NOW...I'm feeling so much better with 70 lbs gone...I don't use my
"@$$ wheeler" (as I called it. LOL) the footstool on wheels. I
feel good enough to actually bend over and pick things up. I also feel
good enough to follow through and teach the children how to help. It will
get better...believe me. And the kids will get older and will be able to
help more.
One of my major beefs with my hubby was that I would clean the house and he
would come in and throw his things on the floor and make messes everywhere
he went. I explained how disrespectful that was....but he still has
trouble. I'll be laying some definite ground rules when my house gets
halfway decent. I have started with some rules for the kids and some for
hubby too and it's helping already. It takes awhile to change these
habits. Including my own ;) Good Luck to you hon. You are NOT ALONE:)
— Nicole P.
June 30, 2001
hi,
I may be the oposite, a "clean nut" the perfect wife/mother
syndrome, however, w/ 2 kids, working fulltime i have no energy to clean
the house. May I sugesst you hire a maid
for a day, if your house is small you can get one for around
$40. If your house is big around $50-75 this may be worth
your sanity and getting your husband to "back off" let him pay
for the maid. Once your house has had a good basic cleaning, you can keep
it up alot better, if you still can't
manage, maybe , depending on your finances, she could come
1X every week/month. I am blessed and now have a live-in
although my husband is always helpful vaccum etc, and my 11
year old son too, we are just pyhsically drained from our jobs, and I can't
tell you how non-stressed I am because,
the "cclean house is someting I don't worry about. I will have my
surgery in Nov. Hang in there!!
— Cindee A.
June 30, 2001
You have 2 small children and being heavy it will not be easy to
make a living to support those children so i suggest you
force yourself up each day and get something done
it is easy to fall into the pity me state of being
If I was your husband I would be angery also after working all day
and coming home and having to live in a filthy house
It seems you are not carrying your part of the load
There is no excuse for that..
so make a beging
its always the first step that is hardest
get up and start picking things up and putting them in their proper
place
lay nothing down
get rid of some of the kids toys..less to clean up
I don't want to sound mean and ugly
but you are on the verge of losing your marriage
and after having WLS and two small toddles you need support
at least financially..
its easy to get lazy and then feel too tired to do anything
go sit out side breath in the summer air and sunshine..
that will make you feel 100% better
and then decide what room for the day you are going to tackle
Kathy
— Kathleen M.
June 30, 2001
Hon .... you are not lazy. A lazy person wouldn't care ... obviously you
are distressed because your energy level doesn't allow you to maintain the
"standards" your husband seems to expect from you. I agree with
Julia and Merri's posts. Get some help, get some support, and check out
the depression thing. I have suffered from depression for years .... my
main symptom was exhaustion. Also, maybe your husband needs a reality
check on the child care issue. Call a local child care center and find out
the weekly costs of caring for your 2 young children and the number of
hours included in that cost. Remind him that you are caring for your
children 24/7. Perhaps he should PAY you for child care services and then
you can use the money to hire some help in keeping the house clean. I
think it is a wonderful choice when someone decides to be a full-time mom
... and it makes me angry when some husbands treat their wives like unpaid
servants. It is like what you do has no value ... because you don't
receive a "paycheck". Once last thing .... my opinion ... if he
is constantly berating you ... that is verbal and emotional abuse. If you
have an otherwise good marriage .... counseling may help. If he won't go
with you ... consider going by yourself. Good luck and God bless you.
(((((Big Hugs)))))
— Lynn T.
June 30, 2001
The state of the house can be an issue in my marriage as well. My husband
has been known to make the occassional negative comment and it hurts. But
that said, I do feel I should carry the lion's share of housework since I
am home full time and my husband works 60-70 hours a week. I have a
difficult time gathering up the energy at times to keep things as neat as I
would like. I find clutter to be the biggest problem. I feel much more calm
if I clear out the clutter piling up around the house. With 3 children
under the age of 10, the school papers alone sometimes threaten to overtake
the place. On days when my energy level is low, I force myself to do what I
consider to be the bare minimum..that is doing dishes and wiping counters,
vacuuming the common rooms and making beds. I try to do a load of wash a
day or that just gets overwhelming. I don't alway like having to be
responsible for these chores but to me, a peaceful evening with my husband
and kids is worth the effort. I'm lucky that my husband will pitch in when
he has time. And now that my kids are a bit older, I have them doing some
simple jobs that they actually enjoy and I consider tedious...like folding
wash, taking out trash etc. They are also responsible for making their beds
and straightening their rooms everyday so it never gets too out of control.
It wasnt so long ago however, that they were babies and toddlers and I well
remember how overwhelmed and depressed I would get. It DOES get better.
Hopefully when I have surgery and lose weight, I'll be able to not only
keep things clean and neat but move on to decorating the house to make it
the home I really dream of having. Good luck and God Bless.
— Donna L.
June 30, 2001
Dear Anonymous, Please believe me it is not all in your head. You MUST
consider the fact that you just had major surgery and ON TOP OF THAT you
have 2 children (SMALL ONES) at that. Just taking care of them is hard
work. I have 3 children. (16,15,12.). When they were little I sometimes
felt OVERWHELMED at times. You must, despite what your husband says to you
(you know, negative stuff), try and take care of yourself. It's normal for
you to feel tired from the surgery and the taking care of the kids. Do you
have a friend that could come over just to help with the laundry? Is there
anyone that can help do the dishes? Do you have a comforter that you can
put on your bed? I ask this question about the comforter because I suffer
from depression and cannot clean and cook and do the many things that I
used to do. Like keeping a spotless house, clean, spotless children,
cooking dinner, no dishes in the sink. I HAD a problem. Keeping a clean
house is good and important but SPOTLESS is a problem. Back to the
comforter, Because I use a comforter, and no top sheet on top of my fitted
sheet, I just throw the comforter neatly over the fitted sheet and put my
pillows on top and it looks great. (Neat and Clean. Because it's summer can
the kids just wear T-Shirts and Pampers or panties. This would cut down on
Laundry. Encourage the kids to help pick up their toys. I made it a game
when my kids were little. They LOVE to help MOM.(SMILE). You are also
probably depressed too. And on top of that you're probably not getting
support from your husband. Try telling him that you appreciate his patience
with you while you are trying to recover from this surgery (Even if he
isn't supporting you), sometimes being kind to someone when they are not
being kind to you can help to diffuse a situation. It can also open up the
opportunity for a bit of talk. (You know, how you are trying your best to
clean the house and keep up with the kids, even though you're not feeling
good at all). From my understanding it can take some people months to feel
like themselves again. Everyone's body and recovery period is different.
Also, if you can, Pray to God for strength and that your husband will try
to be more understanding. Compliment the kiddies when they help you pick up
the toys.(Clap and tell them how wonderful they were and such good helpers)
they LOVE hearing that. I'm not saying that you don't compliment them. It's
just little things that I did when my kids were little and it worked for
me. Please feel free to email me at ANYTIME if you feel like talking. I
will keep you in my prayers and you'll be on my mind too. Hang in there. IT
WILL GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Darline Harrod
I mentioned the comforter because it takes up less time and energy and
effort. I mentioned clapping for the kids and stuff because they'll be more
willing to help and more likely to continue doing it. Even as young as 18
months or so. (SMILE).
— Darline H.
June 30, 2001
WEll, I do NOT think that it is your responsibility to do everything in the
house just because you do not work outside of the home. I am a
stay-at-home mom (actually homeschooling my kids) and THEY are my first
priority. This is not to say that I always drop everything just to attend
to them (they have learned to play quite independently while I'm doing
chores, etc.). BUT, I make sure they get out, go to the park, meet other
kids, go to classes/activities... It is just as intensive to take care of
young children (my kids are aged 4 1/2 and 2). And, I am five months
post-op lap without any complications! I can only imagine what it would be
like to take care of yourself and two children immediately post-op (my mom
came to help out in that respect). Sometimes dinner isn't on the table
when DH walks through the door -- he often will fix it for us, actually.
The dishes may pile up on ocassion because we were running around LIVING
all day long! Sometimes I'M the resentful one because I often end up doing
the bulk of things.. How can I be expected to hold down at least three jobs
at once (maid/housekeeper, chef, childcare provider)???? My dh only has
one. :) Also, how can I be expected to work 24 hrs/day when dh has an 8
hr workday???? Unfortunately, the many aspects of stay-at-home motherhood
are not appreciated in this society. If all members of the family use the
house and make it dirty - then I firmly believe all members of the family
have to pitch in to keep it nice (each to his ability and age).
I think that your husband may need to gain perspective -- Try to make a
list of all the things you do and what he does. Perhaps his view of 'doing
everything' is having to cook dinner, do some dishes and change some
diapers. Good Lord! That isn't even a DENT compared to what one has to do
every day! :) This problem could also extend beyond the actuality of
things --- His expectations of the 'perfect housewife' may be what is
harming the marriage. If this is the case, perhaps your trying to improve
the situation won't really change his opinion. Perhaps HE needs to be more
realistic and give you some leeway. Look at the list together and try to
come to a consensus about what can be re-assigned and what is reasonable to
expect from you at this time. It just ennervates me that just because we
are not paid a salary people feel they can demand unreasonable things from
us or infer we are 'lazy' if things aren't done to this very unreasonable
standard our society has left over from the '50's.
You and your husband may also have very different standards for what is
'clean' and 'acceptable'. This is true for DH and I -- I tend to want
things more organized wheras the place could go totally to pot and he
wouldn't comment! I guess I have the totally OPPOSITE problem! ROFL All
the best, (lap DS with gallbladder removal, January 25, 2001)
— Teresa N.
July 2, 2001
I don't have 2 small children, and I still can't keep house...That is one
of the reasons that I want to have the surgery so bad.
I will pray that your husband is a little more understanding.... Love Pat
— PATRICIA / MIKE S.
July 2, 2001
I don't have kids either- but I do have 2 hairy dogs/ 1 long haired cat and
I cannot keep it as clean as I would like. Actually- I do have one really
large child, 5'10" and 175lbs. who cannot clean up after himself. So,
I do what I can. We both work 40 hrs a week, and yet I am still the house
"cleaner" and he is the lawn "mower" yet, I don't leave
my underware and socks all over his lawn to pick up...
On a serious note, at my largest size, I didn't clean squat. Now that the
weight has dropped, I find more energy and more desire to put myself out...
perhaps you will too. Just don't try too early in the recovery...
— Karen R.
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