Question:
Sex after surgery
Okay, I know this is may sound really awful to some of you...but here it is.... My husband and I have had almost NO sex during the entire 11 years we've been married. If I'm thin - or if I'm fat (and I've been both - size 14-28)...no sex. Now I'm getting the surgery and plan to lose the weight once and for all. AND, I plan to enter into a relationship with someone after surgery for the purpose of fun and sex. (Please, I don't need the judgement - you're not in my shoes -- so, if you are going to preach, don't respond). My question is this: how did you feel about getting naked with someone new after surgery? I'm especially concerned about sagging skin, etc. PLEASE tell me your experience -- and how you handled it... THANK YOU. (P.S. lest you be concerned about my spouse - dont'. He doesn't have to work, he has plenty of "toys" (cars, etc.) and knows what he's got.) — [Anonymous] (posted on June 24, 2001)
June 25, 2001
I felt weird at first about showing my scar for the purpose of sex. I
thought it might freak out my partner. But after awhile I just accepted it
and feel as though it is my badge of courage. Now I dont say anything about
it and they dont either.
— [Anonymous]
June 25, 2001
Without sounding too preachy, why are you staying with your husband if you
are looking elsewhere for sex? Sounds like he may have some
"money" with all the toys etc. Perhaps, he is seeing someone
else? If so, maybe your plan is a good idea. I don't know how someone
would react to your scar etc. I guess it would depend on how shallow the
"future liasion" is. Most men don't care. I asked my husband if
there was much difference in how I "feel" after losing 1/2 of my
wt and he said there is no difference, except I move more. I guess we are
all the same in the dark! lol. If there is any hope of resolving your
marital
intimacy problems, don't seek sex elsewhere. Find out why your husband has
such a low libido. Does he have a wt problem too? Men have physical
ailments that affect their sex drive too. Does he take blood pressure
meds? This can cause impotency, but can be addressed by a physician. As the
song by TLC states "dont go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers
and streams we are used to". Promiscuous behavior is not the answer.
Good luck to you and your hubby of 11 yrs!
— [Anonymous]
June 25, 2001
I am the person who posted the question. FYI...I am the one with the cash;
my husband has never had much of a sex drive and is uninterested in
pursuing it's cause. He's perfectly happy the way things are...but I'm
not. Will I divorce him? No, you make deals in life...and we've made
plenty. I'll never leave him - it wouldn't be fair. But I am going to do
what I have to to make myself happy and satisfied. Thanks for the post.
— [Anonymous]
June 25, 2001
The first time I had sex with my "boyfriend" (that's a long
story) after surgery, I felt very self-conscious of both my scar and my
saggy boobs! He told me that because I was so much smaller that I moved
better which made the sex better than before and the scar didn't bother
him...he didn't say anything about my boobs which I'm not sure if that
should make me feel better that he didn't notice or more self conscious
because he didn't compliment them!! I guess if you are feeling better about
yourself that is going to come across in all the ways you express yourself!
I keep telling myself that my slimmer waist even with the saggy skin must
look much more attractive than 310lbs with all the rolls of fat!!! Good
luck!
— [Anonymous]
June 25, 2001
In your response you stated that your husband has never had interest in sex
and had no interest in pursuing the reason. It is a catch 22, he has no
interest in sex so why would he have any interest in finding out why. If I
were you, I would insist on his seeing a doctor! How is your
communication? If he doesn't tell you everything, perhaps he is homosexual
or seeing other women? Maybe he is "over the hill?" in age?
Although most men are active sexually well into their senior years I have
heard. You say you married for life but is it "married" when you
break the marriage vows and fool around? This isn't really married when you
are not faithful to your partner. Remember the vows? If you or he is
having extra marital affairs, your marriage appears to be more a marriage
of convenience or a business arrangement. True marriage includes fidelity.
Sorry you asked for "no preaching" but this isn't preaching, it
is just reality. I would try to resolve the problem within your marriage.
Eleven years is a wonderful accomplishment these days and I applaud you on
maintaining your relationship thus far. Maybe I am wrong, but he does have
a problem and you deserve to have this resolved. You sound like a caring,
loving woman who just happens to want to have a sexual relationship. That
is very understandable but since you do care for your husband, can't you
try to help him? Open communication is the key.
— [Anonymous]
June 25, 2001
I have to say you're dealing with a very odd relationship, and I don't
understand it, but I'm not going to judge you. I was very apprehensive the
first time I had sex (around 11 months post-op). Skin was sagging and
bagging everywhere. I didn't say anything and he didn't either. My
partner and I are not in a committed relationship - very casual - and we've
been together sexaully two times since then, so I guess it didn't bother
him. I'm not promiscuous, however, and I am looking for more in a
relationship than just sex. I would tend to think if you're just looking
for something physical that you may find someone who puts more emphasis on
appearance. Someone who cares about you deeply won't be bothered by it.
Just my opinion.
— [Anonymous]
June 25, 2001
My husband and I are what used to be referred to a "swingers".
We have a great sex life again since my surgery almost a year ago. Before
surgery, I didn't want to have sex with anyone! Not even my husband,
because of my poor self image. Losing almost 150 pounds has changed that.
I am once again enjoying a very happy sex life with my hubby and
encorporating some "extras" into our relationship. Our dedicated
"swinger" has seen all of my scars and saggy boobs and has never
once mentioned it. Safe sex is a must, as my hubby had a vasectomy(sp)
several years ago and I do not take any precription birth control. Our
friend has been know since high school, so we know his track record and
medical history. No problems there. Just make sure that you have plenty
of info on the prospective partner, lots of condoms, and the time and
energy to have LOTS of fun. As you stated, your hubby knows what is what,
so either he can join in (if you want him to!) or he can go play with his
toys! ENJOY!
— [Anonymous]
June 25, 2001
I am going to be the first person to respond to this question and actually
leave my name. I don't really have a response to the poster, but I'm
appalled at the tone of some of these responses. Each marriage is its
own. To the person who said marriage includes fidelity, bologna. Maybe
you don't know the stats, but 3/5 men admit to having uncondoned marital
sex while the percentage of women is just a TINY bit lower. It happens
all the time, people just lie about it. That's just in OUR culture. In
many other cultures, monogamous marriage is not even expected. Don't be
so xenophobic! I say KUDOS to the person who has a marriage which is
strong enough to handle extramarital sex within a condoned and honest
manner -- way better than LYING about it which is what most people do.
Each marriage carves its own path... don't judge this woman. Finally, to
the woman, most men won't care about your scar! Just be confident and
happy, that's the sexiest thing on the planet!
— Alisa M.
June 25, 2001
I too, will not write anonymously. I have been honest up till now and will
continue to be so. I CERTAINLY won't judge you at all. I, like the
previous post, think each marriage has it's merits and ways to make it the
best it can be.
As for the question, well, the scar made me self concious for almost a
year. Now, I don't even notice it but..I am married and would have to say
that to this day, I would feel alittle apprehensive with a new partner
seeing it. I also was terribly self conscious about my breast which became
saggier as I became skinnier. I have now gained about 15 needed pounds and
they are looking much better but for awhile they were like tube socks and I
hated seeing myself naked nevertheless having anyone else see me that way.
Here is something good though....I have hip bones! When I lay on my side
or back, they show through beautifully and I feel small....I love that..no
fat just hip bones. First time I saw them I was shocked and soooo happy.
I think they make me sexy in a way. So, to answer your question, yes you
will probably be aware of the scar but, let's face it, during sex, that is
a really unimportant thing to worry about right? Enjoy yourself and be
happy.
— Barbara H.
June 25, 2001
Alicia---I just want to say "THANK YOU" for saying exactly what I
was thinking. How dare anyone morally judge anyone elses relationship. Just
like others judge "fat" people, no one should try and push their
preconceived notions on anyone else. What works for some does not work for
others. That being said...My advice is just be confortable with who you
are, and be confident. Chances are it won't even be an issue :-)
— kimariem
June 25, 2001
Hello everyone: I am the person who posted the initial question.
Yesterday was a difficult day for me indeed. I went from deciding to have
an affair - to deciding I wanted a divorce. My husband and I had a very
long and painful talk last night. In the end, we decided to stay together
and WE are going to a sex therapist together after surgery. Hopefully, it
will address whatever longstanding issue he has -- and it probably will
help me with my after-surgery body image as well. Thank you to all of you
for your thoughts and willingness to share. (I was quite intrigued by the
woman with a partner and a spare...I still think that's what I need!! ;-)
Go girl!). Anyway, this site again turns out to be most fantastic. Thank
you.
— [Anonymous]
June 26, 2001
To the initial poster: Wonderful! You have made the best choice to try to
work out the problems with your husband of 11 yrs! I, along with many
others on this site I am sure, am very happy for you. To Alicia, I was not
judging this woman. And I think your statistics are bologna. Three out of
five men may say they cheat, but two out of five don't, these are the real
men. And I happen to be married to one for 29 yrs! Our relationship is
stronger and deeper than it was in our twenties because we have remained
faithful to each other. The opportunities have been there but we are
married for life and our vows are more than just words. To you, Alicia,
please don't judge our society with the low expectations you seem to
believe. I feel most long term marriages are based on morals,love, and yes,
this includes fidelity. How long have you been married? According to your
profile you are in your twenties. Call me in twenty years and tell me
about it ok? For now, don't encourage extra marital sex and if this poster
can work it out with her husband, she will be happier. After all, she does
love him. FIDELITY LIVES IN AMERICAN REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU SAY OR THINK.
Good luck to all married couples. A good solid marriage requires work but
in the end it is worth it to share life with the man or woman you love. I
am not judging anyone, but when you give advice to others, try to realize
that you affecting lives and give the best advice you can give. For this
couple, I hope everything works out.
For the poster, you are preop now from what I can gather. You will cherish
your husband more after surgery because this experience CAN bring you
closer together if he supports and helps you through surgery. My hubby was
so great to me and I know others have posted how much their partner has
helped them. WLS surgery is not a walk in the park and the love and
support of your partner will make it easier. Let us know how this turns
out. Remain faithful and save your marriage if you can do so. There are a
lot of jerks out there who will come onto you after you lose wt,but if your
man at home is satisfying you, you will enjoy the attention but go home to
"make love" not "have sex"...big difference.
— [Anonymous]
June 26, 2001
Hey, glad to hear you are seeking counseling. Being married to someone who
has no interest in pleasing you definitly would cause you to seek a
different sex partner- however- then why be married? Why have a marriage
at all? That makes no sense to me, because if you were my spouse, I would
want you to be YOUR HAPPIEST, period. Whether that is with me, or without
me, but if it is without me, please unload me... so I can find someone to
share the rest of my life with, and I'd hope you could too! No tears, no
animosity, just part ways and GET HAPPY :)
Men (and women)with low sex drives, more than likely have some reason why
(intimacy issues or just hormone problems)that can be addressed.
Good luck!!!
— Karen R.
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