Question:
Am I crazy or is this jealousy?

The other day I saw a friend of mine who I hadn't talked to in about a year who said "you look nice, so I heard you got a new house!" like she was commenting on my outfit, then moving on. Now this friend has always struggled with her weight and the last I heard, she was very slim and I was happy for her. Well, she knew I had surgery and I figured we'd talk a <i>bit</i> about it since so many of our conversations in the past had been about our mutual battle of the bulge. Well, when I saw her, she had put on a bit of weight. Then not even to comment on my loss...it was weird. I couldn't help but to think that jealousy was rearing its ugly head when she didn't even acknowledge the fact that I looked dramatically different. Through this OH website, I'd heard of people whose friends do this, but I had yet to experience it. I told the story to my husband and he asked if I was mad. I said "Not even! I feel almost sorry for her." and he agreed that he sort of felt that way too (about her, I mean). I mean, what if you had a friend who had shared weight struggles with for the past several years, then suddenly she gets this "miracle surgery" (in her eyes) and loses weight and you don't? I guess anyone's bound to get jealous. Or maybe she doesn't agree with the surgery so she didn't even want to talk about it for fear of offending me...I don't know and I didn't ask because she never said anything about my weight and I certainly wasn't going to bring it up, even though it should have been the natural thing we would have spoken about and it was so blaringly obvious. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm out there expecting compliments. They just come, and when they do I am truly thankful. I don't know how to feel about this incident... We're not close enough so that if we never spoke again it would hurt my life, but it would be a shame. Am I just imagining this "jealousy" or am I hitting the nail on the head?    — susannahs (posted on June 24, 2004)


June 24, 2004
Okay, I was typing my response to this and my computer went hay-wire, so I'm trying this again. Sorry if this is a re-post. So anyway.....I was saying....I think my boss is jealous. She is overweight and when I was telling her I was thinking about WLS she didn't say much. I think it's because she knew that our insurance wouldn't pay for it. Then when I told her that I was going to pay for it myself and I was definitely having it, her response was, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I told her I was absolutely certain. She then went on to tell me about a friend of hers who had it done a long time ago and had all these problems and then had a revision and he throws up all the time and can't eat much, etc. etc. Basically, she was just telling me all the horror stories. I told her that I was willing to accept the consequences because I knew that I couldn't continue living like this. I've lost well over 100 lbs. in a year and she has NEVER once commented on my weight loss or that I might even look good. I just came back to work after being off for several week for plastic surgery. According to the feedback I'm getting, I am much smaller than pre-plastics. It's hard for me to see the way I really look. Anyway, the day I returned to work, she just stood there staring at me, looking me up and down and barely said anything to me. Everyone else came over to hug me and tell me that I looked good, how was I feeling?, all that stuff. Meanwhile, she turned around and went to her office without giving me any feedback at all. It breaks my heart for her because although I know that if the tables were turned my heart would be heavy for myself too, but I also know myself well enough to know that I would reach down inside myself and find a way to be happy for her. But, I know we're not all at that point in life. So anyway, to answer your question, yes, your friend is jealous and it's sad.
   — [Deactivated Member]

June 24, 2004
I'm always amazed when people on this site think others are jealous when they don't coo over the weight loss. Did these people tell you that you looked like crap when you GAINED weight?
   — SJP

June 24, 2004
Unfortunately, I think you are right on the money, dear. The same thing has happened to me. My sister in law and I were very, very close. Both with weight issues. She was totally against my surgery, and even went and talked behind my back to people I know saying, yeah, but you wait until she cant eat at her bbq's, see how she likes it then. And everytime she sees me, she totally ignores the fact that I look different each time. My brother in law made the comment to me that I looked good, she then asked what size I was, and get this, started to talk negative (once again) about this girl she knows that had the surgery and she cant stop loosing weight, yadda yadda yadda. Unlike you, my sister in law and I were just like sisters. We even called each other sisters, talked everyday numerous times a day, now, I am lucky if I hear from her once or twice a week. :-(
   — Dawn G.

June 24, 2004
We aren't expecting people to COO over our loss and then get upset when they don't. What is hurting is when a friend that you once were close to doesn't support your decision. People can still be friends and be supportive of each even when they don't agree. Anyway- I have a very similiar situation. My friend was very quiet and didn't ask many questions pre-op. Very stand-offish. So, I simply said one day that I know not everyone, including people who are overweight themselves, agree with weight loss surgery, but its my choice and what is right for me and my life. And, after that I never really brought it up. But, now that she is having major weight issues (more than ever) she is asking alot of questions now and says that I'm an inspiration to her and that she will try to lose weight on her own. Hey, if I am, great and I'm glad I could be. I will be her friend no matter what or how much she weighs. Jealousy is ugly but one of the realities of this journey. This is the stuff you read about pre-op but no one can prepare you for. Try to contact her one more time and if she seems the same, you know to just leave the ball in her court and you can you at least tried.
   — Kathy *.

June 24, 2004
No matter how much we think we remain the same after WLS, we do change due to the way people treat us and our own internals cause us to change as well. Recently my hubby and I went to visit my family who hadn't seen me since before WLS. My sister, who had always been the smaller one burst into tears when she saw me. She blamed it on hormones, but I could tell that it really bothered her. I'm not saying it's jealousy. It's just a change in relationships and many times we don't realize how our own internals have changed and how our demeanor affects others.
   — Cathy S.

June 24, 2004
i know you want this person to say that you look great because of your wls and you know because she isn't saying something that there is a problme. this person is your friend and you said you have dieted together in the past. i know it's hard when we are so happy, but you need to just stop thinking about your happiness for just a moment. if this person is a friend maybe you need to ask her how SHE is doing. maybe it isnt' jealousy, but pain that she feels herself for gain weight. when i was MO i wouldn't ever be jealous of people who lost weight, it would always make me more aware of how out of control i was. just because you had wls doesn't mean you can't be a "diet" buddy now or a good ear to lean on. best of luck
   — franbvan

June 24, 2004
It could be jealousy, or it could be that the basis of your relationship is gone. If your relationship was based quite a bit on talking about diets, exercise, complaining about being obese, she might feel that you just don't have anything in common anymore. You know how you are friends with a co-worker, then one of you leaves the employer and suddenly you have nothing in common to talk about?
   — Yolanda J.

June 25, 2004
Original poster here...thanks for your messages so far--very insightful!! Yolanda, you have a very good point, I wonder if she felt that she "lost" a the person she used to have so much in common with. I'm not thin yet, mind you, but it must have still been a bit of a shock for her to see me. I'm a little disturbed at SJP's comment; I do not expect anyone to COO over my loss, nor do I think anyone on this site really expects that. In fact, if you read my post, I said that I'm not out there expecting compliments--it's the God-honest truth. It's just bizzare to me that I'd seen her go up and down and always commented in the past how wonderful she looked when she lost weight (or politely ignored it if she gained weight) and that she wouldn't even say one word about my loss. I did ask her how she was and we spoke for a long time about her new condo in AZ, her job, her boyfriend, etc. and felt as if I was being a good friend. Anyway, that's why I asked if it was jealousy or not and I appreciate the support you all are offering me so far.
   — susannahs

June 25, 2004
I totally understand your situation. In 1988 after coming home from college ( I was NOT overweight at this time) I ran into a friend of mine who had lost A LOT of weight, I was so proud of her and I made a big thing about it cuz she looked absolutely great. Years later she saw me get bigger and bigger and bigger and of course who does comment on someones weight gain and she said nothing. Then she saw me at a bar a year after my sugery in which I had lost an incredible amount of weight and ya know she didnt make one MFing comment about my weight loss...NOT ONE...she asked me if I was gonna order a beer (she had 2 beers in her hands and she had gained some weight back) and I said "No its too fattening" as the bartender handed me my water and I walked away. We havent spoken since. Now KNOWING what its like to be overwight and losing the weight I have nothing but total compassion for anyone overweight and I woulda thought she would have too!! Ya never know how people think, just pray for them and go on with your own life!
   — Marcia S.




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