Question:
My mother thinks that my low self-esteem is not from being overweight?
Please help. My mother thinks that wls is not the answer. She thinks that I eat because of my low self esteem about myself. States that I should solve my problem with my self-esteem and in return weight loss will happen. I eat cause I get bored or sad. I don't know what I will do after I have surg to fill the void, I will cross that hurdle when I come to it. I do know that my self-esteem is at it's all time low because of my weight. I am confident that after my surg once the weight is gone I will feel like a new person again. I see good results in sooo many profiles. How can I get my mother to see it through my (our)eyes? She lives in MI and I live in FL so I can't take her to a support grp meeting. Everytime we talk we always disagrees. I just want her to be happy for me. Not happening. We are both strong willed. I told her to get books and read up on it. However she does not feel like she needs to. States low self-esteem is not a reason for wls. I am having surgery for my health yet my mother disagrees cause currently I have no major life threating health problems.I'm just fat. I have GERD, depression, joint pain, PCOS, urinary incontence and high cholestrol, yet that is not good enough for her. My sisters do have health problems(major)do to obesity and I do not want to wait to get real sick like them.(ie HTN, diabetes type II, Asthma, enlarged heart, and several allergies. I need positive energy now, not negative energy. I want the communication to stay open yet she keeps bringing it up regardless if I tell her not to. — Erin E. (posted on April 12, 2004)
April 12, 2004
Erin, is your mom not MO? If she is not and has never been, it will be hard
for her to understand. My mom is MO, and has battled weight most of her
life. I think that is why she was so supportive when I first had WLS back
when I was 21. She drove me to the hospital, stayed with me, drove me home,
and took off work for like my first week post-op. I know she was worried
sick about me having the surgery, but she wanted me to be able to enjoy
life and not have to battle with my weight like she did. I did end up
gaining most of it back 5 years later due to a staple line disruption, but
I was revised to RNY in 2002 and have lost back down. I know you want her
approval and support, but it may come a time when you just have to do what
you have to do. The fact she lives so far away may help you out there. I
know it is hard, but if she can't support your decision, you may have to
just put WLS discussions with her off limits. It will be hard, esp. if she
is the one constantly talking about it, and it may come down to you not
talking to her for a couple of days. I have never hung up on my mom (gosh,
she just lives around the corner, she'd come around knocking if I did
that!!) but it doesn't have to be rude. Just tell her that you can't talk
about that subject with her and if she persists, tell her you have to hang
up and get off the phone. Find someone that is supportive and talk with
them about it. I know as close as me and my mom are, there are some things
we just do not talk about b/c of differences in opinion. Does she have a
computer, can you e-mail her the link to this website? Maybe seeing so many
healthy post-ops will convince her. Maybe she can ask her own questions and
we can help her out. Good Luck to you.
— Ali M
April 12, 2004
My mother was against my surgery in the beginning as well-never been obese
but was a little overweight at one point and lost it with weight watchers
so she swears by that program however she finally gave in after talking
with the surgeon and realizing that it could mean a life for me-a healthy
one-She has been overjoyed because of the weight loss and more
supportive-HOWEVER I was depressed before surgery and used to eat because
of it too that and boredom as well-but you know what your mom is right the
surgery doesn't solve the self-esteem issues-I've lost 150 lbs and went
from a 26/28-30/32 tops down to a large or Xl in shirts and a size 16 in
bottoms from a 28 and I still see the same fat girl in the mirror and
suffer from the same problems as pre-op and I have realized that this
surgery will make u healthy but it may not necessraily make u happy-I
thought I would be estatic and I am so thankful for the weight loss even
though I still have about 40-50 more lbs to lose-I find myself even more
depressed now and realize I have to seek help for it-I thought the fat girl
blues would be gone for me it was only the beginning-I also still battle
with my food issues EVERYDAY-I'm best when I stay away from carbs but when
I feel down I look for things I can "cheat" with-Deal with your
food/self-esteem issues before-during-and after surgery-Good Luck to you
— TotallyTori
April 12, 2004
Erin I think low self esteem and weight gain go hand in hand, but in our
case I think I had low self esteem because of my weight. Not the other way
around. Since I have lost 160 lbs I and my family can see a hugh
difference in my attitude and happyness.
Some of my family disapproved of my having WLS too, but I had health
problems just like you and I figured If I was going to die because of all
my weight problems, then I should at least try the WLS. At least if I died
having surgery, then I died trying to do something to improve my life. and
I made sure I made that clear to my family. Hang in there girl. Of course
now that I have lost a good deal of weight all those family members who
questioned WLS in the beginning think it was the best thing for me.
— Jodie S.
April 12, 2004
Hi Erin,
Well, you both may be right. Your weight may be due to your depression/low
self esteem but then, it could be that it's a result of somthing causing
it. It can be a vicious cycle. Please realize that losing the weight MAY
NOT be the cure all you're looking for. After all, the surgery dsn't cure
the head. Can it help, you bet! However, I would also look into the reasons
why you eat or whatever. Dsn't mean not having surgery is the right thing
either. I think it goes hand in hand. Many people on this site have had the
surgery, lost weight and are still miserable because they haven't figured
out why they were MO in the first place. It's a great time to search your
soul and realize why you may or may not do what you do and why. This can be
a good thing. It certainly goes hand in hand in working towards a healthy
you! After all, isn't that the goal here?
Trust yourself and your judgement. Only you know yourself. My mom didn't
agree with my surgery either. She never had a weight problem. I told her
that there were things in her life that I didn't agree with but I supported
her anyway and I expected the same. No problems here. Best wishes on this
wonderful journey.
Linda
Open BPD/DS 4-11-01 w/gallbladder removed
Down 110 lbs and over 60"
— Linda M.
April 12, 2004
you might want to just live your life and have your surgery for you with
out your mothers approval. however, I must say if you think that weight
loss surgery and getting thin will make every thing perfect, it will not.
if you have problems in our marriage, job,other relationships , money etc.
that will not change. surgery will change your stomach, not your head. it
may still be a struggle to follow the eating plan, not graze, stay off the
sugar (as I type in a jelly bean induced haze). If you do go thru, please
help your self by attending support groups your self to get a realistic
view of what to expect. good luck & bless you!
— **willow**
April 12, 2004
Weight loss surgery is one of the best things that I ever did for myself,
but it is not a cure all. In fact, as the weight comes off, I experienced
alot of feelings and emotions that I really didnt want to deal with. I
have always been a very self confident out going person. My WS has really
taken me and my family on a roller coaster. I have worked out alot of these
things now, but when I look in the mirror I still see a person who wears a
size 34 not a size 16 - 18. Still more weight to lose, I wish I would have
done this surgery 10 years ago! Happy you bet! Counseling I highly
recommend it __GO NOW! AND KEEP GOING. Life will be so good, but it is
very confusing too. As far as mom...you cant change her or anyone
else...follow your own heart.
— debmi
April 12, 2004
I just talked to a mother a couple days ago about this, her daughter wants
to have WLS and she does not want her to get it. She said I am the first
person she has ever talked to that has had it done and I did my best to
tell her everything I could about it and gave her this web site for her and
her daughter. For myself this has been the best thing I have ever done for
myself and I no longer have self esteem issues, mine was b/c of my weight,
I was so ashamed of myself, my mother always said I'm an emotional eater,
but I disagree b/c I admit, I LOVE FOOD! I love trying new foods and im a
big time junk food eater, love sweets and chips! I still get alot of
negative comments from family and friends, but oh well, it's my life and my
body and im glad I never took anyones advice b/c now im happier than ever
:o) I live in MI and I would be more than happy to answer any of your
mothers questions. Good luck to you!
— Sandy M.
April 12, 2004
Erin, WLS will help you feel better about yourself and will raise your self
esteem, but it will not help any issues that you currently have with food.
Until you address those,they will be with you forever and you will
constantly be battling those demons. I felt the exact same way you do
about weight loss and my self esteem. My low self esteem was mainly due to
being over weight, but not all of it. The weight loss gave me the
confidence to takle the other issues. All of them but the food issues. I
still, 2.5 years later, fight not to eat that cookie...not to chow on chips
or not to reach for food when I am bored, stressed, sad, etc. That is the
true battle here. Don't think that having WLS is going to cure everything
wrong with your life, or the way you feel about yourself. It will still be
you, a thin you, but still you nonetheless.
— RebeccaP
April 12, 2004
I am having somewhat of the same problem with my mom. I have a surgery date
scheduled for May 24th, 2004. But I decided the surgery was what was right
for me and it is my body and decision. The program that I am in wants you
to go to a support group and therapist before and after. Is that something
that you might have the option of doing. I wish you all the best. I know
the mother thing is hard. But we do what we have to do for ourselves and
our welbeing.
— Candy M.
April 12, 2004
I have to agree with Deb and Linda... <br><br>
I had depression before WLS - and still have some now. But starting to deal
with that before my surgery, acknowledging it, has made things so much
easier for me. Losing weight only cured my physical problems, and I know
that if I didn't have a great therapist I would've been likely to sabotage
my success. But also, without the WLS I would be dead now, no bones about
it.
— kultgirl
April 12, 2004
You have to do what is best for you. We ALL would like to have the love and
approval of our MOTHER's but sometimes we just don't agree. IF you have
done everything you could (diets and exercise) to help yourself lose weight
and your not looking at this surgery as a quick fix then go for it.
However, I would like to address your comments on "I'll deal with my
bored and lonely feeling later". Those feelings need to be dealt with
now and after your surgery. Some people think that after having surgery
all those emotional problems are just going to go away. I'm sorry to say
they will not and it will only get a little worst. All the years we have
been overweight we used food to confort and hide our feelings. After the
surgery since we can no longer eat those hinden emotions come right to the
forefront. I would recommend that you see if your insurance will cover a
Dietitian and a Social Worker to handle the issues of food, emotions and
even your mother. Remember your old eating habits are still going to be
there after the surgery. We need to ask ourselves why did we over eat. We
have to deal with those issues and if we don't we will end up back to the
old weight in a few years.
I 'm 1 year post-op and have asked to my doctore to recommend a social
worker. I need to learn how to cope with these new emotions that pop up
(angry, sadness, etc.), dating, etc.. The surgery is only one part of the
new you. You want to make sure you have a complete and happy new life. I
year post op and I went from 329 lbs to 145 lb. I'm enjoying the new me
physically fit me, but I want to make sure my mental health is right up
there with my new body. REMEMBER, it is oru mental health that got us FAT
in the first place. We may say that we eat out of boredom and loneness but
those are EMOTIONAL issues. Good luck to you.
— Linda R.
April 12, 2004
My step mom and best friend were anti surgery before I did it and sadly my
step mom says it still wasnt necessary:( Now go look at my before and after
photos and tell me this wasnt the best decision I EVER made! Besides I am
so much healthier! Do whats best for you, they will likely bbecome
supportive like my best friend once they see your success.
— bob-haller
April 13, 2004
Erin I agree with your mother about self-esteem a lot of people think this
surgery is the solution to that end. Therefore the surgery should be about
your health first because healthy people are happier people. Your mom may
sound discouraging out of her own fear for her daughter, so you will have
to let her know that it is your choice to have the surgery and there is
nothing that she can say or do that will stop you. She will learn to live
with your decision and eventually respect you more for standing up for
yourself. She's just acting like a mom!
— Anna M.
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