Question:
Spouse does not agree with my choice of doctors.

I am currently having a problem with my husband. He does not think I should go to the doctor that I have choosen. Last year I was approved for GBS at Bariatric Treatment Centers, Wylie Texas. We went for my consultation and he liked the doctor and staff at BTC. We both left the office excited about the possibility of me having GBS. My husband later changed his mind. He said BTC was to far for us to travel for me to have surgery, we live in San Antonio, which is about 6 hours away. I have tried to find a doctor in San Antonio that accepts my insurance, but there is only one. And his soonest appointment for surgery is in 2005. I have recently decided that I want to have GBS at Bartiatric Treatment Centers. Since my husband does not agree with my decission, we are not getting along. My question is, What should I do? How do I explain to my husband that this is the right thing to do? or Am I wrong for not feeling the same way as him? Should I just forget about having my surgery at BTC? Can someone please try to give me some answers? I do not know what to do. I love my husband and do not want him upset with me. Please help!    — Maria S (posted on March 4, 2003)

March 4, 2003
I hope this doesn't come off wrong...but...the fact that you have to ask tells me that you are having problems making your own decisions about your own life. This is your surgery, and your decision. Your husband may be masking some other fear he has. Either way, do what is right for you, not something to please him. Women do that all the time, and MO's do too. Put ourselves last because we're afraid of hurting someone else's feelings - then we have the nerve to be upset when we're taken for granted...I'm not bitter -- ha ha. Good luck and God bless. He'll get over it, if he loves you.
   — Kimberly L.

March 4, 2003
I'am going to Little Rock Ark. which is 9 hours from where i live. Your husband needs to try and understand this is a very hard surgery to get and the wait is very stressful so i don't think 6 hours is very far when compared to a date in 2005!!!! Are you sure he has not decided he doesn't want you to have WLS anymore. Maybe he's scared. Hope it all works out in your favor. GOOD LUCK!!!!
   — latrishanickle

March 4, 2003
I have a feeling your husband is making such a big fuss about you having your surgery at BTC 6 hrs away because he is suddenly worried about you and this is the only/easiest way he can express it. He's probably thinking If he makes a big enough fuss, he can probably talk you out of it totally, I'm sure. There's nothing wrong with having surgery 6 hours away from home. Some people leave the country to get surgery done! Stay strong and do what you feel is right for YOU! He'll get used to it once he knows for sure what you're gonna do. Take care.
   — thumpiez

March 4, 2003
I think the best approach is to first have a heart to heart and tell him from the bottom of your heart how miserable and unhappy you are right now and how you just can't see yourself waiting for two more years before having this surgery, especially since some Insurance companies are bailing on this surgery. Secondly, is to not engage in trying to convince him of your viewpoint. Your viewpoint is every bit as valid as his -- they are just different and you don't see eye to eye -- makes for an interesting life. I agree with the others; if you just remain strong, but loving with him, he will come around. In the mean time, it will be a bit uncomfortable, but you will have less tension and possible rensentment, and less feelings of dispair if you remain steadfast in your decision without trying to convince him or argue with him. This is not a right or wrong type of decision - show him extra love and hopefully he will show it in return. I wish you the best in whatever you decide. Many blessings to you. Robin
   — rebalspirit

March 4, 2003

   — Amber L.

March 4, 2003
Hi everyone! Thanks so much for taking the time to give me your advice. I would like to say something about Kimberly's post. It is not that I have to ask his permission to have surgery because I can not make my own decissions about my own life. The reason I have asked him is because we have children together. And if God forbid something should go wrong he will be left without a wife and our children without a mother. I feel that this decission could possibly change his life in a bad way, IF something were to go wrong. And I think that he deserves to have some say so in what I do with my life if it will effect him too. I know that even if everything goes great with surgery, it will still have a major impact on his life. But I will still be alive and here for him and my kids. I understand what you are saying. And I thank everyone for all the input! Everything everyone has said has made a big difference in how I see things. Thanks so much!
   — Maria S

March 4, 2003
I had rny done on 1/27/03 an hour and a half away from where we live. With three children, one of wich goes to school it was hard on my dh to get him off to school while i was in the hospital and take care of two little ones ages 2 and 3. Especially since our car broke down the week before my surgery and so all we had was a truck. so my dh took my kids to my cousins house which is 1hr 45 min from our house and then came back and picked me up to take me to the hospital. While in the hospital he had to pick up the kids from my cousins house and his mother drove me and our oldest home (my dh couldnt keep driving three hours a day so we ended up keeping our oldest out of school for 4 days). It was wild, and stressfull on my dh but we all pulled through. If you went to one closer to home he wouldnt have to be so stressed out about the kids or you. He could see the kids every night and see you every night also. I dont really know what to say except that you need to find out if he is really worried about your kids being so far from you both unless you are having every one with you there and staying in a hotel, then it might be expenses bothering him? Sit down and talk, maybe its just an excuse cause he is actually worried about losing you and he wants you to wait because he is scared. Good luck, make sure you talk it all through, it is a joint decision, i know where you are comming from on that point, you are his wife and he is your husband, sometimes people will make an issue of something else instead of saying that they are actually scared about something.
   — rachel W.

March 5, 2003
Oh my oh my oh my... what varying thoughts on this. Yes, it is very important that your husband is involved in this decision with you. This is the person that you chose to spend the rest of your life with...in good times & bad, sickness & health. Do you have to agree on this decision? NO, BUT... you should each understand the other's opinion. Understanding one's point does not mean that you have to have the same opinion or even agree with it. I have a feeling that your husband is having second thoughts and really just needs the two of you to have some quiet discussions with no barriers. Men, by society's standards, must remain strong and in control. Is that any less wrong than always expecting woman to care for the family unit's needs/wants? This is a joint effort. It is going to be an impact on the entire family. That is not to say that you should put their concerns over your health. Waiting until 2005 is a ridiculous wait. Does that doctor really think he's all that and can't refer patients to an equally competent doctor elsewhere. (uh oh... maybe he tries and patients prefer to wait -guess i was passing judgement). But by the time 2005 comes around this could be your way of life and the family can be adjusted to it already. You could even be at goal. In any event, you will be healthier. I'm just afraid that if your husband is having issues now and you decide to do things his way, what will the issue be when 2005 comes around? It won't go away. Take care.
   — Diane S.