Question:
What am I doing wrong? & Why cant I just be happy?
I really wish we could still post anonymously...but oh well. I am about 5.5 months out from open RNY surgery. I am 5'5 and started out at 301 lbs. and weighed in at 196 lbs. this morning. I know that is good, but I have to convince myself of this all the time. I thought I would be sooo happy to get under 200 lbs. for the first time in 10 years, but I just wasn't as excited as I thought I would be. :( As soon as I got under it, I was like, "That is still really fat and you need to get to 180 now." and so on and so on. My goal weight WAS anything under 150 lbs. but now I am wondering if I will be satisfied there. I am having major issues with body image. I am actually ashamed to tell people I have lost 105 lbs. when they ask...because I am thinking that they surely DO NOT believe me. So, sometimes I even lie to them and tell them I have lost 60 or so. I am also having issues with food. I started a low carb diet to jump start a plateau that I was having about 2 weeks ago and I did lose 5 pounds, but now I am taking it to the extreme and cannot stop myself. I know I am not eating enough food lately, but I still feel so guilty when I DO EAT! I had a few bites of my daughter's waffle this morning (w/o syrup) and I made myself go throw up so that I wouldn't spend the day feeling terribly guilty. I know this is wrong. I didn't have this surgery to do this to myself. I just feel that inside of me, this is going to quickly get out of control and I dont know what to do to stop it. Some days I do better, and get in around 700 calories a day of good food with protein and I do it without throwing up...but if the scales stops moving for more than a day or so, I freak out. I KNOW plateaus are normal though. UGHHH! I don't want to mess this surgery up and I am so very afraid of failing it. I would be so embarrassed and ashamed of myself I stayed fat after having a major surgery like this, that I just dont think I could handle it if I failed. I feel like EVERYONE is watching me to see if I fail again. It is A LOT of pressure. I feel like I have to be so perfect. Any suggestions would really be helpful. Sorry such a long post. **God Bless** open RNY 7/23/02 -105 lbs) — Shawnie S. (posted on January 11, 2003)
January 11, 2003
I can only tell you, I know exactly how you feel. I am afraid that when I
get to goal, what will I do to stay there? I say to people, I feel so
good, and if I never lost another pound I would still be so
thankful....NOT....I want to get to my personal goal of 160 but secretly
dream that if I could really get to my surgeons goal of 146 I would only
then be happy. I have found that being in a local support group and 2
online support groups I have slowly but surely started changing my
attitude. I am slowly starting to accept things as they come. I was down
100 pounds by my 6 month check up and now have only lost 15 pounds in the
last 2 months. But when I look at the BIG PICTURE - 115 pounds in 8
months.....THAT IS TRULY AMAZING !!! Try and find someone to talk
to....either via support groups or even professionally. Good Luck and Best
Wishes
— Sharon H.
January 11, 2003
I am sorry your are having a rough time. My only advice would be to see a
councelor. It sounds like you may be starting to show signs of a true
eating disorder(anorexia, bulemia or something like that). You are right,
you do not want to let this get out of control. You have came so far and
should truelly be proud of your success and not be embarrassed. As an obese
person I think we are always going to be able to find flaws with our
bodies. It is so hard to change that- it is like we need 're-programing'.
Most of us have low self esteem that will not automatically improve with
weight loss. Sometimes we need a little help from a professional. Good Luck
— Jan S.
January 11, 2003
You really do need to talk to a proffessional. THIS SURGERY AND SURGERY IN
GENERAL CAN AND OFTEN DOES CAUSE DEPRESSION. You are NOT alone in this,
nor are you strange for feeling the way you do....but you do need to take
care of it by seeing someone who can help you. Depression is a chemical
imbalance, and is not something we can overcome on our own...see someone so
you can truly feel the wonderful benefits of the life changes you have
made.
— thekatinthehat
January 11, 2003
Two letters/words for you. OA (Overeaters Anonymous) I highly recommend it
to anyone that is having emotional issues with weight. I find the
fellowship and 12 steps are extremely helpful--and free. Please, I beg you
to check it out. Mahzel Tov to you.
— missmollyk
January 11, 2003
You are doing very well. You do not need to be perfect -- no one else is
either. I've learned through the years that happiness comes from the
inside, not the outside. Sounds like you're way to hard on yourself.
— Betty Todd
January 11, 2003
Whatever you do, Stop throwing up! Tell yourself that one bite of waffle
won't kill you and make an effort for the rest of the day to eat healthy.
The others are correct as well in suggesting support groups and counceling.
It sounds as if you could use some positive reinforcement now and on a
continuing basis. You could also be developing either an anxiety or
obsesive/compulsive disorder and/or depression. Don't think you are weak
for seeking help -- on the contrary, you are stronger than you realize
reaching out for help. One other thing that helps many people is when you
start feeling like you are fat or unattractive (and who of us hasn't felt
that way thanks to society and it's screwed up ideas of beauty) just look
at a before picture and think about how you used to feel. Has your health
improved? Were you on medication that you no longer need? Think about how
much better you are than you were a year ago. Write positive affirmations
and put them up where you will see them every day (on your computer,
bathroom mirror, over your kitchen sink, etc.). Read them over and over
until you start to really believe them. Write things like "I am
beautiful inside and out", "God doesn't make junk!", or
"I am intellegent, healthy, and good looking and I'm getting better
every day!" You have already succeeded and everyone is watching you
-- not to see if you fail, but because they are in awe of your
accomplishment. Be good to yourself and good luck with your continuing
journey of health.
— Dayna B.
January 11, 2003
Hang in there! Chances are you are not going to fail unless you really go
all out to sabatage yourself "intentialy". Anyway I understand
you feelings of, "is this it". I'm going through it myself. I was
319 and goal was mid range in the Normal BMI which would place me around
129. Well I can't even get out of the high OVERWEIGHT range! Yes I've lost
around 84% of my excess weight but I can't even get in the NORMAL range. I
too feel like a failure. (I'm 20 months out and fluxuate from 160-168).
However I never exercised as even yet I'm tired all the time. I hope you
can find it in yourself to exercise, drink lots of fluid and make the most
of your first 18 months (and especially the first six). Best of luck to
you!
— Danmark
January 11, 2003
Hi Shawnie, I had a lot of issues immediately post-op, with emotional
roller coasting. I saw a psychologist pre-op (had been for 5 years) and am
still/was on anti-depressants. I think it helps to continue my therapy and
WOW - not all of my problems and depression were weight related!! What an
eye opener. I swear, I thought skinny people had NO PROBLEMS (although I
know that's not realistic!). Then, since I'm somewhat normal now (not at
goal, need to lose 46 more lbs), discovering that my depression wasn't due
to being morbidly obese ALONE, well, like I said, it was a real eye opener
for me. Maybe you should seek therapy, possibly medicine. Just a
suggestion though! Good luck!
— [Deactivated Member]
January 12, 2003
Congrats on your weight loss! Could you have lost this much weight on any
other weight loss plan? I've not had surgery yet but sure related to your
question from when I've been on other diets. Professional help is a very
real possibility. I'm wondering how much time you spend thinking about
yourself and your weight loss. What about focusing on something else? A
new hobby or excercising? I find that walking helps clear my head and put
things into perspective. Don't concentrate just on yourself and your
wonderful weight loss, as wonderful as it is. Have at least one other
outlet. Hope this helps.
— Debi B.
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