What am I doing wrong? & Why cant I just be happy?

I really wish we could still post anonymously...but oh well. I am about 5.5 months out from open RNY surgery. I am 5'5 and started out at 301 lbs. and weighed in at 196 lbs. this morning. I know that is good, but I have to convince myself of this all the time. I thought I would be sooo happy to get under 200 lbs. for the first time in 10 years, but I just wasn't as excited as I thought I would be. :( As soon as I got under it, I was like, "That is still really fat and you need to get to 180 now." and so on and so on. My goal weight WAS anything under 150 lbs. but now I am wondering if I will be satisfied there. I am having major issues with body image. I am actually ashamed to tell people I have lost 105 lbs. when they ask...because I am thinking that they surely DO NOT believe me. So, sometimes I even lie to them and tell them I have lost 60 or so. I am also having issues with food. I started a low carb diet to jump start a plateau that I was having about 2 weeks ago and I did lose 5 pounds, but now I am taking it to the extreme and cannot stop myself. I know I am not eating enough food lately, but I still feel so guilty when I DO EAT! I had a few bites of my daughter's waffle this morning (w/o syrup) and I made myself go throw up so that I wouldn't spend the day feeling terribly guilty. I know this is wrong. I didn't have this surgery to do this to myself. I just feel that inside of me, this is going to quickly get out of control and I dont know what to do to stop it. Some days I do better, and get in around 700 calories a day of good food with protein and I do it without throwing up...but if the scales stops moving for more than a day or so, I freak out. I KNOW plateaus are normal though. UGHHH! I don't want to mess this surgery up and I am so very afraid of failing it. I would be so embarrassed and ashamed of myself I stayed fat after having a major surgery like this, that I just dont think I could handle it if I failed. I feel like EVERYONE is watching me to see if I fail again. It is A LOT of pressure. I feel like I have to be so perfect. Any suggestions would really be helpful. Sorry such a long post. **God Bless** open RNY 7/23/02 -105 lbs)

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