Question:
Who Will I Be???
I have been heavy my entire life, and now that I am going to have the surgery...I wonder what type of person is going to be uncovered. I have always been one to hold back and dissapear in the crowd. I did anything to keep people from noticing me. I know deep down, that is NOT who I am! I have always dreamed of a life where I can feel comfortable speaking out, going out, and just having lots of fun. But, I have always felt fat and ugly, and inadequate, and never did any of the things young girls my age did. I am 25 years old, married, and have four kids now. I am afraid that once I lose this weight, I am going to have this very strong desire to go out and party and have fun and do the things I never did before. I love my husband dearly and would never be unfaithful, but I have this urge to have OTHER men look at me and think that I am beautiful and attractive. I started dating my husband when I was only 18, and I have never ever dated anyone else. He was the first and only one who ever showed interest in me seriously, and I jumped at the chance..thinking that a fat girl like me wouldn't get many more opportunities. I want to be able to put a small short dress on...and go out and dance and feel sexy. I am so sick of being jealous of all my friends who are so skinny and seem to have such great lives. I know I am a good person, but I worry that this is really going to change me...and maybe even cause me to lose the person I love most in my life. I do not want that to happen! I am anxious and excited to see just WHO has been underneath all this fat! But, I am afraid that it will change me so much that I will want different things in my life than what I have now. — [Anonymous] (posted on December 5, 2001)
December 4, 2001
Ahhhh - when I read your site it brought tears to my eyes.
I am older than you, but do share such similar feelings.
I am in the process of having all the necessary testing done prior to
surgery and attempting to lose the 15lbs I have to before I get an appt.
with the doctor. Although I feel I am taking my time in getting this
going, I know deep in my heart that I am so damn afraid of what will happen
after. How will I act, how will I handle all the compliments and
attention, will I be satisfied with my current life? I want it all so
much, but am so so scared.
Almost to the point of backing out. Why I ask? We can be given a chance
to have a happier life, a lighter life - why do we hesitate? Just want
you to know you are not alone and all I know is to keep processing all this
in your heart.
I believe that we will know (in OUR own time) when and what is right. Keep
believing in yourself and trusting yourself -take it slow and enjoy the
whole process.
Thanks for sharing your feelings.
Jen
— Jen C.
December 4, 2001
I know exactly how you feel. I was the same way before surgery. I didn't
want to be seen in a crowd. I was shy when meeting new people. Now that I
have lost 100 pounds, I am still basically the same person, but not quite
as shy, I did at first have to force myself to go to the gym 3 times a week
and now when i don't get to go I miss it!! Imagine that!! I used to hate
to exercise and now I like it!! I am a little more outgoing, and yes my
men friends are starting to notice that I have lost weight. They can look
all they want, but they can't touch cause I am totally devoted to my
husband.
— JazzBear111
December 4, 2001
Hi! Your post hit many similar chords with me. I am pre-op at 51 and my
whole life have dealt with my weight. I found myself on the outside
looking in when I wanted to be right in the middle. Many times though I
did jump right in so I'm not dealing with a lot of woulda coulda shouldas
in my life as I go into this which is good for me. But I have difficulty
fathoming how I will look, how I will feel, act, appear to others and I'm
using that as a tool for strength for me. Instead of being apprehensive
about it I'm using those feelings as a positive outcome waiting for me at
the end of this journey.
You and all of us have a life changing experience ahead of us and going
into this emotionally and mentally prepared is just as important as being
physically ready. I suggest to you the idea of talking with a psychologist
who can help to prepare you for the emotional part of this challenge.
Another thought too is to check out The Learning Channel (TLC) and look for
a documentary called Christie.... its the story of a woman who had this
surgery and lost a huge amount of weight. It shows you everything NOT to
do as she made wrong choices and headed into a life of partying, drugs,
men, etc. As one poster on here said: it shows you that this surgery does
not fix what is found from the neck up.
You need a strong support system around you as you go through this and its
possible you might emerge wanting to make changes in your life and that is
the unknown. But it also is possible you might see your life differently
then too as you feel healthier and see life as a happier more fulfilled
person. Everyone on here is here for each other too so make sure you seek
out others to help you with the little hills you'll be climbing. Good
luck!
— AJC750
December 4, 2001
I had a identity crisis of sorts pre op worried about how I would look and
if it would affect my personality. Well I spoke to a post op one day who
really cleared this up for me. He just said you will be who you SHOULD of
been... I was always a open sort of person but am now much more so and my
appearance? I look the way I was intended to look. I hope this helps, just
give it time.... Surgery takes so long, and although frustrating thats a
good thing, the time gives our minds a chance to adjust and ponder these
questions. Relax surgery has been GREAT for me and will be for you!
— bob-haller
December 4, 2001
I wanted to let you know that you will probably change. I was 27 and 350
pounds when I had my surgery 14 months ago. I was shy with people I didn't
know and I hated going new places because I was always the biggest person
there and people would stare at me. Now I have lost 190 pounds and I feel
like someone who has finally woke up from a lifelong sleep. I am much more
outgoing and I even gave a speech about my weightloss story at a college
class. I would have never gotten up in front of a roomful of people and
told them how much I weighed before!!! I finally don't really care what
people think of me anymore. I have the confidence within myself and I
don't need it from outside sources. I am like you, I meet my husband when
I was 18 and married and things have changed for us. He is still adjusting
because I have changed and am moving forward and he is very happy for me.
I love him and I would never leave him. Oh - and the first time a guy hit
on me, it was at work and it was the best feeling and as soon as he left my
office, I called my husband and told him!!! He laughed and said "see
I always told you you were beautiful..." He has been very supportive
and that is very important because things will change. Email me if you
want to talk...
— Sherri M.
December 4, 2001
I like what Bob said "you will be who you should be".
I started the long lengthy process of having sex change surgeries back in
1988. I too wondered very much "who I would be" afer all was said
and done. And actually I had wondered too when I had the Open RNY (May 8th)
how I would change? But I'm still who I always was INSIDE. It is ONLY the
OUTSIDE that has changed in both circumstances.
I still like and dislike the same things, and still have the same strong
conservative values. And I still want the same things out of life. You just
have to be honest with who you are NOW, and know what you want (need) so
you don't deviate afterwards. We are often like a caged animal who has
'never known freedom' and will desire it, yet fear it.
At least I was more fortunate than many of you here on this site, as I
NEVER had a weight problem until I was around 20 years old. Anyway you are
normal in your fears. As for me, I have changed in a couple ways. Postive
ways. I'm not quite so self concious and I'm a tad more outgoing. I'm still
shy, but not so painfully. Just be honest with yourself about your needs,
and wants so you don't go "wild" after you lose the weight. Just
know yourself NOW, so you don't lose yourself LATER. ;)
— Danmark
December 4, 2001
WOW! We have SO much in common. I would have thought I was reading someting
I wrote if I didn't know any better. I am 26, with 4 children and married.
I too wonder who I will be.. I have heard "You have such a pretty
face" all my life. I am scared to be thin.. scared for my children, my
husband, and myself. Christies story was a real wake up call.. I have NEVER
been able to g out and have fun... I have NEVER been able to go ANYWHERE
and not feel like the largest person in the room. Please email me if you
get a chance at [email protected].
— Branwen W.
December 4, 2001
Hi, please don't think I'm being mean, but, you had your kids young, and
you married young, so you feeling that when you have surgery you will try
to recapture everything that you thought you miss out on. I know how you
feel although I had my kid at 23, I still wondered if I miss out on
anything because after my child was born and I gained so much weight I put
everything into my child. Now 16 years later, and 65 pound lost, I'm still
going to put everything into my kid. You see, what I did was for myself
and my daughter everything else was secondary. I have so much energy now, I
went to a club the other night and all I saw was the same old ticky tired
people, drinking and boozing and I said to myself this is what I thought I
was missing?? In other words, You have a beautiful family, You will be
able to enjoy them even better once you have the surgery. Take your
husband out to these clubs and act like like you just met him there and
have him come on to you. Take your kids to places like Friday and hang out
at the park with them, use all that new found energy. You seem to have a
wonderful loving husband who love you no matter what. Don't let some
weight loss mess it up and please don't let some dumb stud come between
you, let them look but don't touch. If you want to hang out with your
friends at club that's fine,but I will bet that all your skinny friends
wish they had someone like him waiting at home. And girlfriend if you want
to wear that short skirt , then wear it but just make sure who you'll be
wearing it for. You'll be alright, we all wondered if we will change but if
you keep what your do it for in mind, then you won't change.God bless.
— blank first name B.
December 4, 2001
Everyone who has wls will change and go through Adjustment Disorder. It's
a real psychological term. Support groups should help address these
issues. If one is not available, seek counseling for it. You've taken
major steps to change and improve your life, not destroy it, and I've seen
many people who have had major problems from the newfound attention. Best
wishes!
— [Deactivated Member]
December 5, 2001
I am 41 years old...married 11 years. Before this husband, I was married
for 5 years to another guy. I went from one almost directly to the other.
I share many of the same feelings as the original poster. I had my open
rny 7/17/01 and have lost 65 lbs. While I'm still not a skinny-minnie, I
do feel a "freedom" that I have NEVER felt before. It's like,
I'm not "worried" anymore about being fat, getting fat again,
etc. It has given me a renewed outlook on life. Now, here's the down
side....my husband and I have been fighting like cats and dogs! Some part
of me feels like I'm a "different" person than he married -- and
I want different things. Some part of him is scared to death. Anyway,
it's been almost five months since surgery -- just last week, before we
lost it all, we got into counseling together. I don't know what's finally
going to happen - but I don't want one happy thing in my life (weight loss)
to potentially ruin something that has worked pretty well for 11 years.
Good luck to you. Open RNY 7/17/01.
— [Anonymous]
December 5, 2001
I have to disagree with what Denise said about everyone who has WLS will
have Adjustment Disorder. Everyone who has WLS will have to make an
adjustment(s), but if you can't/won't/get stuck when you're making the
adjustments, then you have Adjustment Disorder. Some folks make the
adjustment to having a new body, new outlook on life, new feelings coming
up, etc., just fine...while others do not. I think that's where the
"disorder" comes in.
— [Anonymous]
December 5, 2001
Who will you be? Only you can determine who you will be. Since your age is
only 25, had 4 kids already, and you have been big all your life, and now
you are on your way to be the thin person you always dream of. Yes, men are
going to notice you and want to get to know you. You are going to love
their attention but always remember it was your husband that loved you for
you. You are young and I know you will feel like life is passing you by and
you will want to make up for lost time. Please don't give in those men.
Love your husband and keep your family intact. Your children deserve to
have their mommy and daddy together. I too saw that documentary of Christy
Martin on the Learning channel. She use to weigh 500lbs and got down to
175lbs. Talk about a person changing. She went from being a loving mother
to her little girl to a "whoe" drinking, doing drugs, sleeping
around with scummy men!!!! I feel so bad for her daughter!!! It's very sad.
If you haven't seen it, see if you can buy it . I know it's going to be
hard for you and you will be faced with hard decisions later on down the
road. Bein thin and young won't guarentee you happiness.Your husband and
your children need you. Don't throw away their love or their happiness
because men are showing you attention now. Take it slow and don't rush into
anything. Really think about it and remember what ever you decide you will
have to live with it the rest of your life.God Bless you and your family.
— [Anonymous]
December 5, 2001
For Anonymous: You must not have looked up the definition of Adjustment
Disorder - it's characterized by many different behaviors, emotions, and
responses - due to stress, medical illnesses, physical or emotional trauma.
It can last a few days, weeks, or months. I'll be glad to give you some
references to back up my statement.
— [Deactivated Member]
December 5, 2001
I know how you feel, although I am not married, I had 2 children by the
time I was 20 and have been heavy since I was 15, I did not go out, did not
go to the prom, did not do anything other than allow myself to be used
because I felt I was not worth anything else. I started at 310 pounds and
am now at 174. I am having issues with feeling fatter than before the
surgery even though I know that I am not. I can not understand why anyone
would be looking at me other than the fact that I am fat. I scared a
really nice man away because I yelled at him for looking at me. I know
that I have issues to work out. I wish you the best
— Tracy C.
December 5, 2001
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm 19 years old and have always been
overweight. When I was 5 months old, I weighed 25lbs. and I've been getting
bigger ever since. My mom told me that when I was young I was so outgoing
and I'd say hello to everyone I saw. This was before I was body concious. I
try not to let my weight hide who I am and when I meet new people, I'm
always friendly. Yet, that's usually where it ends. I don't want people to
get too close to me, because I don't know who "me" is. My mother
now says that I've become so introverted. I'd rather be at home doing
nothing than go out with friends. I don't like going out to restaurants and
having to calculate whether or not I can fit in the seats or fit in between
the tables. When I was younger (5 & 6 years old), I used to do some
ballet. My leotard was always snug and you could see the rolls, but at that
point I didn't care. I'd even been chosen to perform other places because
I danced so well. Now I don't even like to get on the floor with a bunch of
people, even though I know no one is really looking at me. Besides, my
feet, knees, and lower back hurt too much.
I know what you're going through. I want to know who is under all this fat.
I'm afraid of going to extremes and putting myself out there. I've been
able to cultivate a wonderful spiritual life and I don't want to lose that
either. I think the most important thing is to take each day in stride.
Write down how you feel and when you feel it. Sometimes it helps to
analyze what's truly under there.
I've never dated before and I admit that I want other guys to look, but I
don't want to start anything. I'd just like the option. And yet I hope I
won't be so bold as to grab someone just because I can. You sound like you
have a wonderful husband and four great kids. I'm sure they'll keep you
grounded. And as you find out who you are, you'll also be able to share
that with your husband and it can strengthen your marriage. You'll be able
to do more with your kids and you can strengthen your bond with them. If
you keep your heart on who you know loves you, I don't think you'll have
anything to worry about.
— Jaimee S.
December 5, 2001
I was very interested while reading your question and the answers. I just
have a little more to add. When I was your age I had three children and no
chance of having a life saving surgery like you now have open to you, but
there is one thing I thought about and that is the days my children were
born and how wonderful those days were and my vow I took to them. I told
them they would never be fat under my roof. This is one mighty tool that
you have, to break that cycle and never let your children have the feelings
you are having now. I am now 55 and plan to have the surgery in the next
year. I am 315 pounds and over my lifetime I have lost the weight of about
three people just to gain it back again. Alot of "adjustments".
My three children are average sized beautiful people in their thirtys.
They are thankful just to still have me and back me in my future quest to
be a normal size for once in my life. I am also looking forward to having
a healthier, longer life to play with my loving grandchildren. Good luck
in your future and may you have wonderful granchildren
— buhret
December 6, 2001
Since I've had many private emails regarding Adjustment Disorder, I wanted
to return to this question and post again. It's important to remember that
this condition is not necessarily connotated as being negative. A person
can experience it for a few weeks or a few months. Adjustment means a
correction or modification to reflect actual conditions, and Disorder
simply means to disturb the regular or normal functions of. Certainly
having such a life-changing operation as wls falls within those two terms.
It's the exhibited behavior which can be negative or positive. Read more
about Adjustment Disorder here --->
http://www.google.com/search?q=Adjustment+Disorder. I suggest reading many
different sites, as they all have different pieces of information that will
help you understand more about Adjustment Disorder.
— [Deactivated Member]
December 7, 2001
Hun, I am so sorry you are having these thoughts. I have read your
responses, some I agree with, some I don't. You will just have to make up
your mind what is most important to you. The partying gets old, and makes
you older. Can these other men REALLY compare to the one that has stood by
you all these years? Remember that these are the ones that ignored you
before. Is there some reason why your hubby can't go out partying, and
doing all these 'new' things, with you? I bet he'd be willing to and would
be very proud to be seen with the 'new' you! And think of your children,
it's not easy being a single mother, I know. I was a single parent in my
twenties, of one child, not four. I partied, dated a different guy
frequently, wasn't looking for a husband, was having too much fun. It
ruined my daughter. She's 15 now, bipolar, failing school, has been on
probation for assault and resisting arrest, I had to send her to live with
her dad when she tried to burn our house down. I should have been bonding
with her instead of running around. I blame all her problems on myself. I
am married to a wonderful man now and we have a seven year old son. My
hubby loved me first thin, but then when I gained the weight, he loved me
fat too, now that I am on the way back down the scales he struts like a
rooster by my side. Be happy with the loving husband you have, let him
show you off, and never, ever, give your children less than they deserve.
— [Anonymous]
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