Question:
Why do I feel so guilty?
I had lap RNY on 6/11/02 and have lost 108 lbs so far. But lately I've been so obsessed about every morsel of food that goes in my mouth. I'm always wondering if I'm eating enough or am I eating too much. I take Vista vitamins daily, walk on my treadmill at least 5 times a week, drink my water, try to keep my protein up, and watching my carb intake. This smacks of pre-WLS dieting so much that that I'm getting resentful of watching my food choices all the time. Why am I so obsessed about food and worrying that I'm going to eat "the wrong thing". I know, it's that old diet mentality speaking again. Anyone else feel this way? — Karen H. (posted on December 19, 2002)
December 19, 2002
I know what you mean -- at six 1/2 months out, down 102 lbs, sometimes it
smacks of the "old dieting" to me, too. I feel in control now,
but it still feels temporary! I think the hardest thing to accept with
this surgery is that we really DO have to change our eating habits,
forever, if we want to keep our obesity in remission. Most of us can't
just eat less of what we ate before and get and STAY where we want to be,
weight-wise. We have to eat BETTER than we did before (up the protein,
reduce the carbs, fats & sugars). And exercise! The pouch helps you
not binge, and the malabsorption helps you control fats & sugars (IF
you dump in the first place), but the rest is up to us, and it's the same
old formula. I think it's easy to resent that sometimes, or to feel afraid
that our old habits will return to sabotage us.<P>Having lost lots of
weight, and being over most of the physical effects of the surgery now, I'm
trying to look at this time as yet another phase of WLS. We did the liquid
phase, the pureed phase, the soft food phase, the
OMG-I-had-something-bad-to-eat-phase (Pringles! The devil's spawn!), the
I-can't-see-any-difference-and-still-feel-big phase, the plateau phases
(grrrr!), and now we are in the "Where's-My-MENTAL-Pouch" phase.
I'm thinking this is the most important time for us, because the mental
part goes on forever. So I'm trying to set mental goals, which I never
bothered to do on old diets. Usually when I hit this point, I just
regained. Instead, now, I deliberately let myself eat thing I've banned up
until now, to force myself to REALLY face up to the fact that we don't have
to deprive ourselves of "fun" foods. I've noticed they aren't
really THAT fun anyway, and that I can control them if I concentrate and
eat them deliberately, not emotionally. I'm also "upping" my
exercise goals, to try to work faster or harder on whatever machines I'm
using.<P>But I need help with my "Mental Pouch," too!
Anybody got any good tips for that? :D
— Suzy C.
December 19, 2002
Karen, first of all, congrats! Your weight loss is awesome. I don't know
how close to goal you are but I really went through the same thing and this
is what I did. I would tell myself that I would do so and so when I got to
a specific goal. Like I kept promising myself that when I got to 20 pounds
from goal I would look into a tummy tuck. Well I made it and now have had
the TT. I stayed really focused on protein and low carbs while trying to
get there. I would also tell myself that certain foods (did someone say
chocolate) should be avoided until I was at goal, but that eventually I
would get there and would be able to have a little of anything I might
want. Well, I have made it and I still am carefull to get in enough protein
and take my vitamins but I have found that I really can eat almost anything
and that a tiny bit of it satisfies me. I really no longer feel like I am
on a diet. I have made changes and don't really want the same things, one
treat I love is a grapefruit with about a teaspoon of sugar on it. Not
exactly the pound of chocolate I used to want, LOL. Now if I do want
chocolate, I eat two or three of those Nestles treasures and that is all I
want. I guess that this like almost every other problem I have ever had;it
is all a battle in my own head. Probably really silly that I have to play
little games with myself, but hey, it works for me.
— cindy Q.
December 19, 2002
Its a lifetime of dieting (good food and bad food)habits that you are
dealing with. Because we gained and lost over and over again on our weight
loss journeys pre-op, our brains are programmed that the only way we will
lose and keep the weight off is to be vigilant and watch every bite. But
you know, that is not my definition of normal.And it is a relearning
process. I use the word "moderation" and "balance" as
a guideline for how I eat. Theres no question that we will have to
"watch it" for the rest of our lives but certainly not to watch
every morsel that touches the lips. Nor obsess over whether we are eating
the wrong things. There is a balance that you have to find. I accept that
I will have to concentrate on protein, exercise and drink lots of water for
life. After that, I do not accept the no or low carb and no sugar or
fattening foods. Normal weighted people eat carbs and sugar and the
occasional trip to the fast food place. I think that if we can learn to
balance our "wants"(sugar, carbs) with our "needs"
(protein) and maintain our weight loss, then that is the answer. I also
think it will take a while to get that concept in my head as I, too,
sometimes feel guilty for having "bad foods!"
— Cindy R.
December 19, 2002
I'm so glad you posted this, I was hoping to see more answers already, but
you sound like me. I had Open RNY 8/6/02 and am now down 88 lbs., BUT the
fear of failure is always lurking around the corner. One minute I'm
thinking that I hope that I can stop losing when I need to and the next I'm
thinking that I won't lose it all. I did all the research, studied, read,
go to support groups, but the old mentality still comes back, and I wish I
could make different choices. Food no longer is my friend, it has become
more like work. I try very hard to add variety in my choices so I don't
feel deprived. I chose to do this so I would make changes in my life. I
am not sure what my dumping level is, because I won't test it. As long as
I "know" in my head that I WILL get sick (that way it helps keep
me away from the wrong choices, BUT that is my choice) I did this to be
healthier, and to use this time to educate MYSELF and my kids as to the
healthy way of eating. Healthy also includes "treats", I have
purchased a few cookbooks for RNY patients and I know that if I really want
something that I can, just in moderation. I know I probably didn't help,
but I understand that feeling of always wondering if this or that is right
and the obsession with doing everything "right". You are doing
great! Congrats to you!
— Dana B.
December 19, 2002
I know what you mean. I cannot live like that, either. In fact, I can't be
food focused or my program goes under. I get the basic 8 supplementally.
OK, those are covered. Then, minus milk & sugar, I eat what I want. Fat
won't make me fat again, only sugar. I'm not awfully fond of meats/fish
anyway, so I can if I want, don't have ot\\to if not. Many of my meals are
fruit or veggies only. My preference. Nutritional bases are covered and I
watch my own labs. I MUCH prefer to watch my labs than to watch my
calories! Way easier & I have very much a sense of control. I still do
support groups, no grazing, etc. But no calories for me.
— vitalady
December 19, 2002
Michelle, why no milk? Is it because of lactose intolerance?
Or is it because of sugar?
Thanks all for responding to my question. Merry Christmas!
— Karen H.
December 19, 2002
I could have written this question myself. I think the reason I had my
surgery 7-22-02 and I am down 104 pounds. I think the reason this has hit
me really hard right now is the holidays. I see everyone else eating
fudge, popcorn, cookies, candy, etc and want to do that to. I have had
some of them, just not as much as I would have before. I journal all my
food intake, the good and the bad. I use fitday.com. I wondered myself
the other day is it worth all the work to keep track or could I just do it
without. I guess I am rambling. Any way, keep up the good work and don't
give up.
— tulagirl
December 19, 2002
Pure and simple..,i think..We are compullllllllllllsive....we will always
be..I am the opposite--I am bound and determined to still enjoy all the
things I enjoyed before...chocolate, popcorn..malt balls...I have lost 90
lbs and had surgery on 6/11/02..but honestly, I would rather have the lower
weight loss and not feel deprived...Don't drive yourself nuts..we did that
for TOOOOOOOOOOOO long..
xoxo
— Jeanne C.
December 19, 2002
I've lost 160 pounds and some days, I worry constantly about every bite but
most of the time, I don't. I do not eat candy or popcorn or chips - these
were the foods that got me in trouble to begin with. I do occasionally
have a few tortilla chips with hot sauce but not many. I DO NOT EAT CANDY
AT ALL - NOT EVEN SUGAR FREE - it may not have sugar - might not make me
dump - but it is very high in calories and I try to make my calories count
toward good nutrition. When I get the munchies - and I do - I eat soy
nuts, peanuts, jerky or something like that. I do occasionally eat some of
the Blue Bunny sugar free ice cream sandwiches - but again, not often as
they are very high in calories. I don't weigh or measure my food - reminds
me too much of dieting and I don't really count calories - just have a
general idea of what I eat everyday. I know I get at least 40g of protein
every day and usually a lot more than that. I am still compulsive about
liquids - I have been dehydrated a couple of times and I am very cautious
about drinking. I do think it is normal for us to be a little obssessive
about what we eat - after all, it took us a lot of time to get to the point
where we've lost the weight and we sure don't want it back.
— Patty_Butler
December 19, 2002
Karen,
I read your post and I thought to myself...That sounds like me in a way. I
have in the past tried to rearange the food...when what I really needed to
be doing was to rearange my head. What I am saying is this... My focus was
so much on what I ate, what I did not eat, to much, not the right kind,
etc...This is just another aspect of my disease. When I use food, not only
for nourishment...but for "judgement" of my self it makes me
insane. I realized that I judged who I was by what I ate, how I ate, when
I ate, etc...get the picture. Actions dont define me or who I am ...I do
that, and I dont look to food or others to help me with that defination.
As I lost weight (last time, with a personal trainer) I began to see how I
"saw" who I was, I judged myself by the way that I ate. I had to
ask myself, DO I judge myself by the way I wash dishes?... Would I ever
consider doing that? NO...NOT for a minute. I have been taught that my
thoughts create feelings, feeling create actions, actions create habits,
habits create character, character creates destany....
So for me this all starts in my thought processes, How I think of myself,
is the key to my happiness, wellbeing and my relationship with food. I
have a post-it on my file cabinet..that says... I am ready to care for
myself with love,understanding, patience, and tollerance... I am ready to
do great things for myself.
I try really hard to "not" agonize over the food, It seems to me
that when I give up the control issue with food, it no longer contols,
consumes, or rules my state of mind.
Blessed be your day..
Happy Holidays
Rachel
— Rachel D.
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