Question:
How to handle friends nagative comments?
Help! I had WLS 06/02 and have lost 104 lbs so far. I have a friend that now has decided she wants to have this surgery. I am very happy for her. I know it will change her life as it has mine. However, she proceeded to tell me that I was a "wuss" when it came to recovery time. I took 4 weeks off work, she said she only plans to take 5 days. She then used all my episodes of puking, dumping, etc., against me. I'm not perfect, but I do try to do what the doctor says to do. She didn't come right out and say it, but she intimated that if I did what the doctor said, I wouldn't be throw-up or dump. I know that she is speaking out of ignorance and that she obviously doesn't know what she's talking about. I haven't puked in over 2 months and I have dumped once when I tried oatmeal (hardly a bad food choice). What really gets me is her holier than thou attitude. There's no need to be jealous of me, she can have the surgery the same as I did. Why does she feel the need to tear me down and negate all my succeses? I'm afraid I'm going to have to let this friendship go. Negativity such as this has no place in my life. Has anyone else had to deal with people like this? — Karen H. (posted on December 9, 2002)
December 8, 2002
I think you're doing fantastic so far. I must say I'd just sit back and
ride it out... she'll see how it is in time. I have the same problems with
family etc, and to make it worse my brother is in my face waiting for
failure (a gal he works with had RNY a couple years ago and now downs a
double quarter pounder value meal then pukes and poos all day)... I have
tried telling him that if she doesn't want to be sick she shouldn't eat
like that etc but he just keeps waiting for me to fail... the bottom line
is that I think they want us to fail so we'll be as miserable as they
are... i don't know exactly but it seems the ones I have most
"trouble" with are folks that were in the same boat I was in, the
most supportive folks have "been there and done that"... just a
thought though...
— MF
December 8, 2002
Sounds like you are doing it all right, Im still pre-op so I might be able
to see a bit of why your co-worker is saying what she is, doesnt make it
right for her to do though. She could be scared of what she is facing. She
may want to believe you are a wuss, that your have a low tolerance for all
you went and are going through. If she believes that then she can believe
she has a chance of goign through it easier then you did. Dont let her
comments hurt you, i know that is easier said then done, but I bet she is
very nervous about it all and doenst want to show it.
— TheresaC
December 8, 2002
Sounds like your friend is making this into a competition. Just keep doing
the great job you have been and let her know everyone is different. She may
be saying these things to make herself feel better because she is unsure
and scared. I bet she'll be more sympathetic when she's going through her
recovery and realize just how hard it really is. I know inside you'll be
laughing for a minute (or saying I told you so)when she comes to you for
advice. But for right now, I guess this is her way of dealing with the
changes she is going to go through. Just keep up the great work!
— Dee ,.
December 9, 2002
I would buy her a nice Christmas present, a book like Barb Thompsons, that
explains all about surgery. It might open her eyes to some issues where she
feels superior.
— bob-haller
December 9, 2002
Just hang in there for awhile, she'll soon be singing a different song.
— sandy L.
December 9, 2002
Hi! I have actually had to stop talking to a couple of "friends"
who both told me that if I lose weight, they don't want to go out in public
with me. One of them admitted that she KNOWS I would get more attention
from men, so thats why she'd feel uncomfortable. ARRGGG! I can't believe
some women! So she saw me at karaoke the other night and came up and said,
"You know, I can already tell you've lost weight, but don't go under
like 200lbs, because I think it would look gross on you." :-O
She doesn't even KNOW what I would look like! She's the one with issues!
So, to answer the question about your friend, if I were you, I would back
off for awhile. After her surgery, she might be come to you and apologize.
You never know...By THE WAY~ CONGRATULATIONS on your WEIGHT LOSS! You are
doing great!!!
— Crystal T.
December 9, 2002
There have been times when I am so stunned or hurt by a close friend's
negative comments. When I brought it up with my therapist, she said that
most people's reactions to my WLS are more about that individual than about
me. It could be that your friend is insecure, afraid, has doubts or
whatever...about HERSELF. Generally, the reaction has nothing to do with
YOUR experience, successes or failures. My therapist also made it clear
that I would probably not maintain all of the same friends- that some
relationships would end as a result of WLS, but that NEW ONES would also be
formed. It's hardly a consolation, but you're right in saying that you
don't need the negativity.
— Rebekah B.
December 9, 2002
There have been times when I am so stunned or hurt by a close friend's
negative comments. When I brought it up with my therapist, she said that
most people's reactions to my WLS are more about that individual than about
me. It could be that your friend is insecure, afraid, has doubts or
whatever...about HERSELF. Generally, the reaction has nothing to do with
YOUR experience, successes or failures. My therapist also made it clear
that I would probably not maintain all of the same friends- that some
relationships would end as a result of WLS, but that NEW ONES would also be
formed. It's hardly a consolation, but you're right in saying that you
don't need the negativity.
— Rebekah B.
December 9, 2002
I have seen plenty of preops with a holier than thou attitude. You're
right. It is ignorance! But she'll be in the know soon enough. I would back
off gently until after she has the surgery. One thing that most people come
to realize after surgery is that it affects everyone a little differently.
Maybe you DID need more time off than she will. But maybe not. Maybe she'll
hurl every day and maybe she never will. It is in the best interest of her
sanity that she believe everything will go "by the book" for her.
Even if it won't! But the only cure for this is time, a little postsurgical
pain, and a couple of bouts with stuck food. ;)
— ctyst
December 9, 2002
Let's see if she makes it back to work in 5 days and doesn't dump or get
sick!! Yeah, right!! I felt like GARBAGE for 8 WEEKS after surgery. I
couldn't eat and had CONSTANT nausea. Yeah, that was a real treat. She
doesn't know what she's talking about and she'll get to find out FIRST
HAND!! I have a girl I work with getting ready to have surgery in a few
months and she has asked me TONS of questions PLUS got to see what I looked
like from before surgery to now. She knows it's a HARD road, but she's
willing to make the trek.
— Patty H.
December 9, 2002
I would call this a toxic relationship, and let it go, at least for a time.
Any time you're around someone and end up feeling worse instead of better,
then that's probably one you need to avoid. I had open RNY last month, was
back to work in a week, and so far have had no dumping nor vomiting. I
consider myself very fortunate. From my reading on here, there is a lot of
individual variation in how one's body reacts to surgery, various foods,
etc. Besides, I'm still on liquids and purees. I know that when I start
solids, sooner or later something is going to disagree with me. I don't
think it's anything I've done or haven't done that has caused me to do so
well, or that someone who has had to take more time or had more problems is
a wuss. I agree that this is more to do with your friend's issues than with
you, but again, I'd let the friendship cool a bit. Susan
— Susan A.
December 9, 2002
5 DAYS !!!!!!!!! YEA RIGHT! If she has a open procedure whe will have
staples for around 2 weeks and the last i heard there wasnt a surgeon out
there that releasd theirpatients to retrn to any kind of activity othere
then picking up the remote untill thoose staples came out. She may think
that she won't puke but she is in for a rude awakinging as for the dumping
that hits everybody diffrent nd sooner or later it gets everybody in one
form or another. Back off her alittle while and when she is post op she
will see the light. CONGRATS ON YOUR WEIGHT LOSE
— Becky M.
December 9, 2002
Wow - this is a scarey proposition... Your friend may be setting herself up
for a very hard time. Competitive feelings can lead us to make unwise
decisions and take unnecessary risks. Wouldn't it be horrible to see
someone you care about hurt themselves by doing to much too soon, or not
caring for themselves properly, or eating differently than they should
(either less or more). Your friend may very well come to rely upon you and
your "prior" experience and she travels her own WLS journey.
— [Deactivated Member]
December 9, 2002
Since you have lots of great responses already, I would just like to say
that this person does not deserve to be labeled as a "friend."
You are great for putting up with her cr@p, but she doesn't deserve it.
Lots of other nice people out there, hon.
— kultgirl
December 9, 2002
You are doing AWESOME. Your friend however, and I don't mean to be
critical, is not in reality realm when it comes to life after WLS. I
personally have not yet had to deal with this but I have dealt with people
being jealous of me. She is jealous because she is insecure, you are
making a positive bold step in making your life better. I would talk to
her, and if you don't get anywhere, then maybe you will have let go. God
Bless - leslie
— Leslie A. J.
December 9, 2002
Hi Karen:
Good Lord, this is one twisted girl. Get rid of her, at least for now.
Believe me, she will need you after surgery. It seems to me she is afraid
of her own failure, and by trying to make you feel bad, it is relieving her
anxiety. Kudos to Cheri's answer. Just wait until after surgery. She
will experience all that you have and maybe more. You have to go through
this process to really know what it is all about. She will probably be the
biggest whiner of all. Congratulations on your weight loss. You are at a
great place right now due to your hard work. You certainly do not need
someone who is so negative and hurtful in your life right now.
Love Grace
— Grace H.
December 10, 2002
I will admit when I got the part of your message when she says she will
return to work in 5 days, I started laughing! I am post-op 8 days and WILL
NOT return to work for another 3 1/2 weeks. I am taking care of myself and
trying not to overdo it! That is what my Dr and others who have had the
surgery have told me. She is inexperienced and as you said not sure of what
she is talking about. As her time gets near, hopefully she will have the
hindsight to come to her senses and ask aomeone who has been through the
procedure questions that will be very valuable to her. Continue to be a
friend to her because she WILL NEED YOU! Take her to some support groups
and let her start spouting off that stuff and they will tell her the real
deal!
— ROCHELLE S.
December 10, 2002
I have a feeling she will be apologizing to you later. Luckily for her,
you have more class than to say I told you so.
Smiles!
— Kimberly S.
December 10, 2002
Perhaps look at this another way: I work with a woman who had open RNY over
a year ago. She was off work for 5 weeks, had numerous bouts of nausea and
vomiting, had two EGDs, then gallbladder removed. I was determined my post
op course would not be that rough! (However, I NEVER said that to my
friend!) I said I would be in the hospital 2 days - and I was. I told
everyone at work I would be back in two weeks - and I was. So, your friend
my be using you as a sounding board to convince herself that she will have
a stunningly simple recovery!(Maybe to the point of being unrealistic).
Just nod and tell her you hope she does as well as she thinks, but everyone
is different.
— koogy
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