Question:
How can I handle a rude relative?
Ok.... I have a sister in law that for some reason has to slam everyone around her, even if she doesn't realize that she is doing it. I even went so far as to hide the fact that I was having the surgery from her until after it was already done because I didn't want to deal with the comments from her. She has always been a large woman, but has reciently been able to excersize and get alot of the weight off (still pretty chubby). she just would tell me things like, "you moved so far away and you still haven't lost any weight?" just really rude statements like that. Well, to make a long story short, I got the surgery done on November 13, 2001... I started at 242 and I have now lost 42 lbs and still going... I think that is great...just my pace, and perfect for me...well, come to find out, her boss had the same surgery done about 2 weeks after me. Well, here we go again...I JUST CAN'T HAVE ANY KIND OF SELF ESTEEM AROUND HER! She is now comparing the two of us, telling me that her boss has lost 45 lbs in the first month! "well, you must not be doing something that your are supposed to, because you should have lost more by now, don't you think?" I have gotten to the point where I just don't like to see her, talk to her, or even think about her! I don't have to justify my weight loss to her, or anyone else but me and my dr. Do I just figure, look who its coming from, and ignore it...or should I just tell her off? I don't want any family trauma, but really, no one likes her...they just put up with her because of my brother in law and the kids... PLEASE HELP ME WITH ANY ADVISE THAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER... ANY POINT OF VIEW WILL HELP, REALLY!!!!!! THANKS! — Marni R. (posted on January 16, 2002)
January 16, 2002
In my opinion, your sister in law says these things because of her own low
self esteem. It probably makes her feel better to put someone else down.
Having said that, I would just let it go. You had a problem, and you DID
something about it. Most people complain about their problems, weight or
otherwise and never do anything about them. It doesn't matter how fast you
lose the weight, as long as you are losing. Have you ever lost weight over
the holidays before? Until this past year when I had WLS, I know I hadn't.
Try to feel good about the positive things you have done, and don't let
someone like her bring you down.
— [Anonymous]
January 16, 2002
Here is just MY opinion, having dealt with the in laws. I have a wonderful
father in law that thinks I am totally out of my mind to have this surgery
as I am just fine the way I am. Nevermind that I weigh 346 pounds and
could die at anytime...but I realized that I need NO negativity about this
so I am just honest with him and told him that if he could not support me
then I just needed him to not discuss this subject with me. This is a
great decision you made, in as polite a manner as you can manage, I would
tell your sister in law that she is certainly not helping and if she wants
to help then butting out would be the best way. As I said...my opinion
only, good luck!!!
— Denise S.
January 16, 2002
I don't know if this would work for you practically, but I after whatever
dumb thing she says to you next time, I would pause a beat, look at her
quizzically and say, "What an odd thing to say," then turn around
and start a conversation with someone else. Just cut her dead. I've used
that technique with other people for other reasons and it works REAL
well...Good luck! She sounds like a massive pain in the butt, and I agree
with the other poster that she likely has low self-esteem. You're doing
terrific, by the way!
— Mary Ellen W.
January 16, 2002
My favorite thing to do with people like this, and it is so FUNNY to see
their reaction, and usually it is just a gapping mouth!! When she says
something about it again, just look her up and down, slowly, then tilt your
head and look at her with great concern and say, "I think your
comments are interesting, but they really should be directed where they are
needed." I have a sister that is exactly like your sister-in-law, and
this shut her down completely. We don't talk about weight loss anymore,
which is fine with me!!! You could also just look at her quizzically and
say something like, "Your expertise in this matter is astounding"
or "Oh, nice of you to say that" and just turn away.
Personally, I get aggrivated at these kinds of people and am more likely to
blast them than be nice when I am blasting them. If the inane responses
like the above don't work, ask her when she got her medical degree in wls
or something... I can come up with a few good zingers that would shut her
up, but probably make her mad, too!! Those kind of people just have to
"one up" everyone else. "I don't appreciate your
comments on this subject, please keep them to yourself." would work,
too. Keep with the "I" messages, though... stress
"I" and eventually she will get the point!
— Sharon H.
January 16, 2002
I like the response that Dear Abby suggests for rude questions which is
something to the effect of "why would you want to know that?" or
"I can't imagine why you would ask such a thing." So in your
case, something like "I can't imagine why you would say that to
me" might be appropriate. Or there's always the option of saying
something like "thank you for your concern" and then going on as
if she hadn't said a word.
— Kathy W.
January 16, 2002
girl shine some lite on her and tell her what time a day it is .... dont
let her put u down u are doing soo good and she is just jealous of u .....
— Deanna Wise
January 16, 2002
Well, I see we have both been blessed with the same kind of sister-in-law.
For 30+ years, I took her crap, UNTIL about two years ago when I got tired
of her biting, hurting, stabbing remarks to me and MY teenage daughter. My
daughter, who is absolutely beautiful, was always told by her "You
would be so pretty if you would just lose weight." She used to tell
me the same thing. Well, I got biblical a couple years back and decided to
"separate" myself from her skinny little butt. I stopped going
around, haven't stepped foot in my brother's and her house in two years. I
paid a price for it but ya know what? I became a much better person for
it. I no longer attend holiday functions, such as Easter, Thanksgiving,
Christmas Eve, Christmas.....I just let them wonder why and let them figure
out the reason. Duh!! My daughter has done the same thing and has written
them off now that she is 20 years old and in her third year of college.
Well, in November '01 I had lap rny. I had five dear loved ones with me.
Not THEM. You know what? They have been going nuts! They've been on the
phone asking everyone "What kind of surgery did she have?" Then,
someone in this small town TOLD MY BROTHER that I had a profile on the AMOS
website and something told me that very morning before it happened to
delete my real name and profile from this website. Isn't it strange the
vibes we women get before they happen? So I still come here, under an
assumed name, they are still asking questions, but I have the rest of my
family primed to answer "If you want to know something about her, just
ask HER. Why are you asking me?" And if they asked me, I would tell
them. Long story, shortened. I NO LONGER TAKE ANY CRAP from my
sister-in-law and she knows it. Don't let her rain on your parade. Ask
her this. Do all babies learn to walk at the same time? No, but whenever
they learn, it's normal for them. Tell her you are doing things at YOUR
pace and you don't give a hoot about her boss, or anyone else's progress.
You are concentrating on YOU. And then tell her to butt out and to worry
about HERSELF. Then in the long run, we'll see whose smiling and whose
face is twisted in a knot....wondering. I wish you the BEST.
— [Anonymous]
January 16, 2002
I agree with another poster here who said your sister in law has a low self
esteem and seems to make herself feel better by bringing others down to her
level. The next time she "compares" you to her boss, state to
her that your doctor feels your loss is just fine, and since the doctor is
the expert and she (sister in law) is not the expert, you'll take the
doctor's advice over hers any day. Shut her up with knowledge and bravado
instead of silence. Show her that you will not take her junk
anymore---your self-esteem will be growing as your body is shrinking.
Congratulations on your Loss so far. You are doing wonderful. Keep up the
great work!!
— Mustang
January 16, 2002
Well you could tell her loss rate is a individual thing. Depends on start
weight, metaboloism, previous dieting, man or woman, and a myriad of other
things including the procedure and bypass lenght. Or you can do what I do
with my father in law, I just ignore him. We will likely NEVER get along,
so I avoid and ignore when necessary. Some folks just dont get along! Oh to
increase your rate, find a local pool and start swimming, or other
exercise!
— bob-haller
January 17, 2002
How other people treat you is determined by you. You teach people how to
treat you. If it were me, the first time she said something out of line
about anyone, I would turn the tables and ask her "what happened in
your life to make you hate yourself so much?" Now, granted, you won't
get a positive reaction immediately...in fact, you may get a negative one.
But if you come to her lovingly with that question, she'll have no choice
but to sit and think about it. Her comments have nothing to do with other
people. It is all about her and how she feels about herself. Remember YOU
teach people how to treat you. I rarely have problems dealing with the
people I deal with on a regular basis because of how I react when they get
out of line. Most either discontinue dealing with me, change the way they
deal, or view me as a true friend and confidante. Good luck and God Bless.
— Kimberly L.
January 17, 2002
THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!!! I truely appreciate all of your input...it makes
me feel alot better to know that I am not alone in my experiences... I am
just going to have to stick up for myself... and have the
"response" all ready to go... we are going out to California next
month, hopefully about 10 - 15 lbs lighter (lol) and deal with her pitiful
self.
Oh, and BOB - Thanks for the advise on the pool... I am definatley going to
do that... ;)
THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!
— Marni R.
January 17, 2002
Remember that it takes TWO to keep an argument or disagreement going. If
you just say that your doctor is satisfied with your progress and then
don't say ANYTHING else about it, she no longer has anyone to argue with.
If she keeps trying to drag you into it, just keep saying that your doctor
is satisfied with your progress. Trust me. IT WORKS!
— [Anonymous]
January 17, 2002
I would'nt take any crap from her. I've been turning the cheek for most of
my life and people will keep crapping on you as long as you take it. I
would "Show her where the bear sh## in the buckwheat". In other
words, don't take any more crap from her. She will keeping doing this to
people just as long as she gets away with it. No one has called her on it,
so she continues to abuse people. Low self esteme is no excuse to belittle
and hurt people. I've always had low self esteme to but I try to be cival.
— [Anonymous]
January 17, 2002
These are all good responses. What has worked for me for all types of
situations, not just weight loss, is to simply say "If you can't say
anything nice or supportive to me, then don't talk to me anymore." Say
it in a flat tone, not angry, then turn and walk away. That way you let
them make the decision if you're going to have a civil relationship. You
may have to repeat it a few times, but they get the picture!
— Angie M.
January 17, 2002
Keep in mind a some quotations I have memorized to help me deal with
people. <br>1. I cannot allow myself to be upset because God did not
see fit to equally distribute the gift of intelligence. (Your sister-in-law
comes to mind on that one!). 2. NO ONE can make me feel inferior without
my permission! Don't allow her attitude to drag yours down. 3. God
doesn't like ugly. Even though it's tempting to stoop to her level, don't
do it. Use some of the suggestions mentioned here to avoid a
confrontational situation if possible. <P>If you can't avoid it,
remember you don't have to answer questions. Look her in the eye and answer
a question with a question. Example: Why do you ask? Does it matter? Is
it important? Good luck.
— [Anonymous]
January 17, 2002
Someone posted this response to rude questions/comments on this site
recently, and I think it bears repeating. When asked a rude question, say
something like ... "That's kind of a personal question and I am not
comfortable answering it. I forgive you for asking and I hope you will
forgive me for not answering." Personally, I think this is a classy
and non-confrontational way to handle what I consider to be inappropriate
questions or comments. My position is that just because someone is
ill-mannered (or maybe simply tactless) enough to ask the question, doesn't
mean I am obligated to provide them with an answer or explantion. Your SIL
reminds me of some people I have had to deal with in the past. Don't let
her put you on the defensive and don't stoop to her level. I have found
that when dealing with people like her, it absolutely drives them nuts if
you "refuse to engage". If you keep your cool and maintain your
dignity you will stay in control. I also agree with the previous poster
who advises not to give her any information about your weight loss or other
personal issues. Some people, like you SIL, are extremely vicious
attackers and will use any information against you. I think they do this
to bolster their own self-esteem ... but that doesn't excuse or justify it.
I learned a long time ago ... If someone is likely to take a shot at you
(even verbally) ... don't hand them the ammunition! Good luck.
— Lynn T.
January 22, 2002
The second highest form of charity is to give anonymously and in a way so
that neither the giver nor the receiver know who the other is. In Hebrew
this is called matan b'seter, literally "giving in a hidden
way."
The great master Reb Menachem Mendel of Kotzk explained once what a matan
b'seter is. After all, he said, how can you give money anonymously?
Somebody always knows, if not the recipient, then the one collecting, or
your banker, or your spouse. But here is how you can give a truly anonymous
gift: When someone says or does something really stupid or grotesque, and
you know you could give them such an answer that would make them regret
ever getting out of bed in the morning -- and you keep quiet! -- that's a
truly secret gift.
— Julia M.
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