Question:
How did you deal with someone who treated you invisibly before the surgery?

I'm sure this question will raise alot of hackles but I'm going to ask it anyway. We moved across country due to my husbands promotion to an unfamiliar state and luckily wound up moving to a very nice neighborhood. The schools my dd's go to are excellent (I am so glad about that!). I seem to have problem that really hurts my feelings alot. I had a great support system of family and friends back at home and never had to worry about starting over and making new friends,but unfortunately now I do. But I have noticed that alot of these "mothers" seem to think I'm invisible or something. They love to get all dolled up (no sweats here!) and chat with each other at drop off and pick up time at the schools. I've tried to be friendly and mention that I'm new and try to join in but have gotten a very chilly reception from them. It seems the only one's who are friendly are the ones who aren't "perfect" either.Meaning they are heavy. I've noticed they are ignored also. Now don't get me wrong, I don't lay awake worrying about them. But my question is, has anyone delt with this in the past and what did you do about it? I guess I feel like it's because of my weight that they are behaving so rudely. And truth be told,we know prejudice against fat people is a reality. I guess I feel like these women think that having a fat friend would make them look less than perfect. I DO NOT want to have a friendship with them now,but if the future after WLS they try to strike up a friendship, how should I handle it?I will, in all likelihood, have to deal with them through out my dd's school years unless we move again. I guess I want to show them how it hurts to be snubbed when your only looking for a friend. PS Yes I have befriended some of the "other" mothers. Thanks for any feedback. Connie    — Connie O. (posted on November 10, 2003)

November 10, 2003
You know, before my DS I was filled with anger against everyone who treated me badly--the whole world pretty much! I used to imagine how I would treat people like that once I got thin, and it was never kindly, believe me. Somehow, though, as I lost weight, my perspective changed. When I grew to love myself, I grew to love pretty much everyone around me. I have no lingering resentments and am nice to almost everyone I meet now or knew before. I'm also much more assertive, so I don't take much shit from anyone, whereas before it was hard for me to stick up for myself. I didn't want to call attention to myself or be destroyed by "fat bitch" types of comments, so I kept my mouth shut. Nowadays someone might call me a bitch now and then, but not a fat one! LOL It's interesting that those people who snubbed me before have been very supportive of my weight loss, overflowing with compliments. You and I were the same size. Yes some folks are truly cruel, but I think most people simply don't know what to do with someone that different. They don't know what to say, so they say nothing. Anyway, I'm rambling...focus on the good changes that happen, and as your joy increases, your new positive energy will draw people to you and you'll make new friends--or choose not to!
   — Chris T.

November 10, 2003
I have the same kind of problem only with my S.O. work friends. The are all about 10 years younger and 100 pounds lighter. Very nice, and they try to include me somewhat, but it is hard. My attitude is this: If you don't want to see my fat, don't look. If you don't want to talk to me, or allow me to be your friend, guess what, I don't want to waste my time. There are lots of lovely people out there, who are lonely and would love to be your friend. Find some of them and the "skinnies" go their own way.
   — Eileen C.

November 10, 2003
Hi Connie- Sorry that you're being snubbed. I know the feeling, some of us haven't graduated from Junior High School yet, LOL. Because you are kind of new to the community, hopefully soon you will meet a few true friends who care no matter what your weight is, and after that you won't care about being ignored by the "beautiful" people. May they never be caught wearing white after labor day, LOL. Good Luck, Mea :o)
   — Mea A.

November 10, 2003
Hi Connie ... it's sad, but they are truly the losers. Fat is about the only acceptable prejudice left - and sick people thrive on it. Don't let them get to you and just keep doing what you are doing - befriending people who want to be friendly. Doesn't sound like those people are worthy of your friendship anyway. IMNOHO. Donna
   — Donna A.

November 10, 2003
Connie, Everyone has some type of problem - whether it's out there for us to see like obesity or whether it's in their head. You can't second guess people - all you can do is be yourself. If one of the "snobs" approaches you in the future with friendship, don't turn them down - get to know them better before making a decision on whether they're someone you want to hang with or not. Otherwise, you'd be guilty of behaving just as badly as they are now. Who knows what's behind their curtain of shame...could be worse than obestiy.
   — Ro R.

November 10, 2003
Honey, the way I deal with people that treated me like that pre-op, is get all dolled up and strut my stuff in front of them and let them eat their hearts out.
   — Delores S.

November 10, 2003
Thank you all for your input. I think I just needed to hear that other people have felt the same way that I do now. But your probably right, I am feeling kind of cynical(sp) right now due to the fact that I have never had to go without my support system before and swim all by myself. I just need to stop with the self-doubt that I am feeling now, and just concentrate on being healthy. Inside and out! Thanks y'all!(That's my first new southern saying I have learned since moving down from SNOW country!Ha Ha)
   — Connie O.