Question:
Positive that I will die..
I know this question is pretty depressing, but did anyone else have a deep down feeling that they would/will not make it through the surgery? My surgery is September 6th, 2002. I keep moving from one extreme to another, one minute I'm excited at the prospect of surgery, the next I'm scared sh*tless! I haven't made any plans for post - op, nor have I purchased any necessities for after my surgery date. I just have this sense that I will die, and no matter how much I try to shake it I can't. I'm not a depressed person, I have wonderful boyfriend, family and friends, and I find happiness with them. I'm young and healthy, and my only problem is I feel like I'm living in a limbo land. I'm not really living, my weight holds me back, but I am so afraid of dying. I'm just existing. I don't know if that makes any sense at all! Any feedback positive or negative would be very helpful. Thank you all for letting me vent! — JM B. (posted on August 8, 2002)
August 8, 2002
Okay....let's be calm about this. Sounds like you need to do some soul
searching and answer some questions for yourself. For example: Do you
have any health problems that would seriously cause surgical problems?
Are your reasons for doing this to improve your health or external issues?
Are you sure you're willing to change your eating habits for the rest of
your life? Are you willing to make sure you take vitamins for the rest of
your life? Are you willing to commit to regular check-ups for the rest of
your life? Just to look better isn't enough. Good luck to you and I hope
you resolve your fear. Sometimes you just have to chuck fear out of the
way and walk past it.
— Cathy S.
August 8, 2002
I'm 23. I was scared but I trusted and had confidence in my surgeon. I
just told myself, "It won't happen to me." Right before I had my
surgery I hit rock bottom, I had just ended an 8 year relationship with my
high school sweetheart and to be honest I really didn't want to die but I
knew this surgery was something I had to do and I was willing to risk it.
So, I guess I really didn't care if I did die. I just had had enough and
knew I had to change my life. Surgery does have its risks and you need to
decide if they are worth it. You sound healthy, I think you will be fine.
Lots of luck.
— Angie B.
August 8, 2002
Been there suffered thru that last year, 130 pounds ago. Made final
arrangments plans, wrote goodbye letters, contemplated all sorts of
unhealthy thoughts of life and death. Had my surgeon promise he would tell
my wife where all the goodbye stuff was hidden if I didnt make it. I too
was certain I would die!<P> Boy that was tough. Here I am a year
later at goal down about 130 pounds. FEEL GREAT! Jen my wife decided to
have surgery as well, she is down near 100 pounds and had the same fears as
me. <P> It helps to attend support group meetings, take a post op to
dinner, see them eat good meals in small quanties, look at the before and
after photos here. We saved both our lives and you can too! POST OP IS THE
PLACE TO BE!!!
— bob-haller
August 8, 2002
Hello,
I felt the same way. I am 28 and a mother of a little three year old boy. I
felt dread as well as guilt. I thought, "How selfish of me to endanger
this boy's chances of having his mom around his whole life". In the
end, I took confidence in my surgeon. We made it a point to choose one of
the best surgeons in the United States to do my surgery and that has made
all of the difference in the world. I had my surgery mid-day on July 18th,
and by the morning of July 20th I felt myself again, just a little stiff
and tired. My recovery has been a complete cinch. I have lost thirty pounds
so far.
Take confidence in your surgeon. You chose him for a reason. Just try to
be optomistic and you will do fine, I promise! This is perfectly normal to
be scared!
— Christy J.
August 8, 2002
It's your fear talking to you. Don't let it stop you from beginning a
whole new healthier life. I think it's easier to get past it when you
<b>know</b> it's fear and can kinda look your fear in the eye
and it's <b>your</b> choice to squash it. Remember that
<b>you</b> are the one with the control here.
<p>
Good luck to you on your journey. Try and think only positive, healing
thoughts.
— thumpiez
August 8, 2002
hiya
take a deep breath... and {{hugs}}
everyone else has made great points, here is my two cents
i had open rny last year and i was convinced that i was going to die on the
operating table. i had had 9 major surgeries but this one was "my
choice - my idea" and not forced by doc (such as my c-sections or
hysterectomy). the night before surgery, after check in and prep stuff, i
was sobbing on my bed begging my husband to take me home (i swore,
"i'll go to the gym every day!! please take me home" and he said,
"honey, you are waaaay past the gym") which is about the only
negative comment he has ever said about my weight...so i took my valium and
went to sleep. the next morning they came for me earlier than expected and
i panicked again! cried the whole time in the pre-op room but luckily i had
a great nurse (thank you nike! yes that's her name...like the goddess or
the shoe!) and she held my hand, sat next to me and listened. then the
anesethesiologist came and gave me a shot of "happy juice" and
that's all i remember until waking up in icu.
i had said my goodbyes and i love yous...
i did not have a support group to go to until after surgery but if you can
go to one now, i HIGHLY recommend it -- the ppl in my group are fantastic
and there will be at least one person who has been where you are.
there is a chance you will die on the operating table or from a post op
complication but the chance is very minimal and i had to weigh my life as
an obese, unhealthy and unhappy woman to the potential of actually
"having a life" and i would do the surgery again in a heart
beat!!
i have accomplished more in the last year than in many years before that
combined
i no longer have sleep apnea, i don't have high blood pressure, i can walk
over 5 miles at a time, i can run, i can do cartwheels, i can play with my
kids -- hell i can get up off the floor without any help!!!! i can wash
all my private parts (hey i can even see them!!) i can wear pretty demi cup
bras and i can tie my shoes without getting out of breath...i can even clip
my own toenails!!
i can eat pretty much whatever i want, just in smaller portions
i will always have to take protein supplement (but i have one i love), i
will always have to take iron/calcium/vitamins but i will never ever be a
size 3x again!!
i recommend seeking counseling with a wls friendly therapist and DEFINETELY
visiting a support group...
you can email me anytime
{{big hugs}}
kate
[email protected]
open rny 6-14-01
pre op: 268lbs
goal weight: 135lbs
current weight: 130lbs
— jkb
August 8, 2002
Janelle, I feel you girl! My surgery date is Sept.12, 2002 and I have a
hard time picturing life after surgery. For a while, I felt like I was
surely going to be a statistic and die. I always felt like if there is a
1% chance, then it will be ME! The only thing that has gotten me through
this decision is my faith in God. I don't know what your beliefs are, but
just hold tight, girl! We're going to be alright! (((HUGS)))
— MoLyn
August 8, 2002
I am praying for you. Let me say I felt that way just before surgery (July
18th)...but today I am here and happy I did it. Just give it to a higher
power. I think it's hard not to dwell on the bad, but try to keep yourself
busy. Rent some videos, do some shopping, visit some friends. We're all
here for you. You'll be fine!
— MF
August 8, 2002
I was fearful of dying and sobbed uncontrollably on the way to the
hospital, and on the trip from the pre-op room to the operating room. I can
only tell you that my faith in GOD is what kept me. I had confidence in my
surgeon but that is about where that ended. My surgeon was very competent
and was revered as one of the best. I was at the Cleveland Clinic
Foundation which is considered one of the best facilities in the nation.
None of that comforted me...only my faith in GOD let me know that I would
be okay and that I would return to see my family again. I dont know what
religion you are of if you have any faith at all, but I suggest that you
consider checking your baggage with GOD and letting him work your situation
out for the good.
— Maria A. M.
August 8, 2002
Hi. I read your profile and I like your list of what you plan to
appreciate once you are no longer MO...that reflects a very positive
attitude and future-focused thinking. I will tell you this...one thing you
have in your favor is being so young (22) and not, by all accounts, having
a lot of comorbidities. When I was pre-op I emailed this cute guy whose
after picture on AMOS appealed to me (yum!) and he wrote back not to worry,
that complications are usually exagerated and recovery is much easier than
most preops think. And you know what? He was right (in my case at least).
For some reason these words really helped me over the pre-op jitters. I
hope they do you, too. God Bless...
— rebeccamayhew
August 8, 2002
I think your thoughts and fears are legit! BUT as you said less than 1%
will die. You are young and healthy. I too was very afraid I was going to
die. I wrote letters to people I loved "just in case", cried on
the way to the OR and woke up SORE! but not dead. lol I would honesly
rather have died on the operating table than "live" a life
deteriorating on the couch watching life pass me by. You are going to be
fine! Jitters are as much a part of the surgery as scale addiction and
baggy clothes!! Best of LUCK~
— Sassy M.
August 8, 2002
We all know what you are going through. I had even written my daughters
letters before I had surgery. Thank goodness I was able to tear them up
when I got home safely. My surgery and progress has not been smooth
(please read my profile) but I assure you if I made it (and I feel better
than ever) you will breeze through surgery. Please be prepared and get all
the things you will need post-op. I think you will feel better about
surgery if you are more prepared. If you would like to talk please feel
free to e-mail me directly. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
love, Laura
— laurac82101
August 8, 2002
You sound JUST LIKE I DID! I am 22, have a great boyfriend, wonderful
family and friends and all the support. But was flip-flopping, mostly
exciting b/c i couldn't be fat and was barely living b/c of the weight, but
was otherwise happy in life. But I really thought i was gonna be that 1%.
But here I am 2 months later and down 50 pounds. All i can say is that we
have age on our side and we are healthy, that is 2 major pluses for this
surgery. Another plus is the BMI. Many of the people who have died from
this surgery had BMIs that were pretty high, in the 60's and 70's and
above. Just be well informed get to knopw your doctor and after surgery
make sure you walk every hour like they tell u to, to prevent blod clots.
You will be fine. You're going to start a new life. It was a little scary,
I cried when my boyfriend and parents had to leave and i left to go into
surgery, but during that time, i felt a sense of calmness as well, I
trusted my surgeon and knew i would be fine. :-)
— Lezlie Y.
August 8, 2002
Janelle, I know exactly how you are feeling. I guess the morning of
surgery was the worst for me. I had already written my letters of goodbye
to my family. Well, I did not die. I was not among the <1% who die. On
the other hand, I would have been the diabetic with high bp in just a few
short years (I'm 26). You have 44 EXCELLENT reasons on your profile page
telling why you want to do this. You have a lot of people on this site who
will be praying for you, and honey, you'll be just fine. I wish you the
best during this time of doubt.
— Tina B.
August 8, 2002
Well of ALL patients 1% die, and thats sad. But this number includes older
sicker patients some of which cant even walk. Their death rate is much
higher although they have the most to gain. So YOUR death rate is much less
than 1% since your younger and reasonably healthy. You can improve things
futher by walking and exercising both NOW and post op. Blood clots are a
killer and avoidable by doing LOTS of walking, even the day of surgery.
Plusa I was most concerned with dying on the table duiring surgery. I have
found thats VERY RARE. Perhsaps that will help you feel a bit better.
— bob-haller
August 8, 2002
Janelle...9/6/02 is my 44th birthday and you are *not* going to bum me out
by dying on my birthday, are you???? No...you're not. My initial BMI
was 73 - 3 weeks after surgery and 37 pounds lighter, it's 67. I have
sleep apnea, lymphedema, diabetes type 2 and messed up "good"
cholesterol levels (LDL), but I made it through just fine. I'd wager that
almost every post-op had the same feelings that you are having - I know
that I did. I almost was going to write those "final letters"
to my wife, my children and my friends, but you know, the time passed by so
quickly the final week or two before surgery that I never got around to it.
I never needed them. You will be in my prayers and I am sure that you
will join us on the losing side in another few weeks with no problems...JR
— John Rushton
August 8, 2002
Oh, Janelle, I forgot to add that I had pulmonary emboli (blood clots) on
both lungs back in January of this year and am on permanent Coumadin
therapy (although they did have me stop for 5 days prior to the operation).
So you can add that to my list of co-morbidities. If I could come
through the operation with flying colors with all of that and you are
"young and healthy", you'll be doing handsprings before you know
it!
— John Rushton
August 8, 2002
Dear Janelle ~ Bright brilliant blessings to you, my friend - I am going to
be completely honest w/my beliefs on your question - I hope you don't mind.
If I were you, I'd be extremely nervous as well - you've put out some
major affirmations out there. The opening line to your question -
"Positive I Will Die" - man o man - that's some powerful stuff.
I am of the firm belief that words and thoughts are ten times more powerful
than the actions themself...thoughts & belief are who we truly are.
The vasad many of us wear for social behavior...that's not truly us. You
know what I mean? I strongly, strongly, strongly urge you to get in a
different mind set. I would make sure that this is what you choose to do -
the surgery, I mean. If there is a huge amount of doubt or if you haven't
tried every single thing possible to lose the weight, don't do it. I
posted something the other day on the message boards that went through my
thoughts on it - it's a tough, tough ordeal. It's a tough ordeal even with
a ton of medical problems and life threatening diseases. It's a tough
ordeal even when you've tried every last thing possible to lose and keep
the weight off - if I were unsure and not 100% positive that this was my
last resort, I wouldn't have done it. No way - I'm 4 months out and 87
lbs. lighter - I feel a lot better than I did when I started but I swear, I
urge a lot of people to search out their mind, body, spirit and emotions to
make sure they're completely ready for it all...this surgery is NOT for
everyone. Believe me. There are so many things that are unexpected to
follow the post op portion and again, I urge you to simply be ready.
The questions about fear of dying are somewhat normal, I believe. It's
absolutely a realistic possibility while going through this surgery but
it's a realistic possibility in ANY surgery. It's a possibility as you
live & breathe right there - right now. If it's your time, it's your
time - if you do personally choose to do this for yourself, know that the
percentages are in your favor. Know that you've GOT to start thinking more
positive - start putting affirmations out there that say something like
"I AM going to make it through this with no complications".
"I am going to be successful in my choices in life - no matter what
that might be". I believe the words "I AM" are more
powerful than anything else - you know what I mean? I believe when God
commanded not to use his name in vein, he was speaking about the words
"I AM" - they're powerful. I wish you the best of luck no matter
where your choices take you. I'm an email away if you ever want to
chit/chat and I hope I didn't bend any feelers with this answer. BB - Lisa
J.
— Lisa J.
August 8, 2002
Janelle, I am *so there* with you. I haven't even had my consult with the
surgeon yet, and I think about "the dying part" quite a lot. I'm
25, and fluctuate between 295-305 lbs. I try to think of it this way: we
have a lot of things working for us with this surgery. Please try to keep
a positive attitude, and prepare yourself for life AFTER surgery. You
evidently don't want to be "just existing," or you would have
never gotten yourself to the point of having a surgery date. I think your
feelings are more common than you think, and when freaking out, take a deep
breath, and ground yourself in the reality of the situation. There are
many things in the world that are possible. Whethere they are probable or
not is a different story. It is possible that tomorrow I will win the
lottery. Will it happen? Probably not. (Dammit!) Best of luck to you,
keep us updated, and if you ever need to vent again, don't hesitate to
email. Big smiles!
— Jess S.
August 8, 2002
HI, MY NAME IS DIA AND LIKE YOU I FEEL LIKE DEATH IS MY DESTINY,ALTHOUGH
IT'S EVERYONES I FEEL LIKE A EIGHTBALL IT IS FUNNY YOU POSTED THIS ?
BECAUSE LST NIGHT I SAID THE VERY SAME THING TO MY HUSBAND,I
SAID"BOO(PET NAME)I REALLY DON'T SEE MYSELF GETTING OLD"I SAID
"IT'S LIKE I KNOW DEATH WILL PROBALY BE SOONER THAN LATER REGARDLESS
IF I GET SURGERY OR NOT" WELL HE DID'NT UNDERSTAND AND IT IS REALLY
HARD TO EXPLAIN,SO WHAT I DO IS LOOK FORWARD TO LIVING BUT REALIZE DYING IS
PROBALY NOT THAT BAD,THINK OF IT LIKE THIS:YOU'LL LEAVE PEOPLE YOU LOVE BUT
IF YOU BELEIVE IN GOD THEN YOU KNOW YOU'LL BE IN A BETTER PLACE PROBALY
WITH YOUR LOVED ONE'S WHO HAVE PASSED(I ALREADY LOST MY DAD@10,MY MOM@18
AND NOW I JUST LOST MY GRAM-MA TUESDAY AND I AM 23 ) SO I SAY ALL THIS TO
SAY IT MAY NOT BE THAT BAD ON THE REAL OTHER SIDE!AND I HAVE 3 BEAUTIFUL
CHILDREN I LOVE VERY MUCH!! BUT IF YOU WERE MEANT TO BE SHOT YOU WON'T BE
HUNG!!!
— Dia C.
August 8, 2002
Janelle,
I don't know if this will help you or not, but I had my gallbladder taken
out on June 24th. Before that I had never been under general anesthesia
and I had no clue what it was going to be like. The month before my
surgery I was partially convinced I was going to die of a heart attack
while on the table. I was ready to hop of the gurney while in the pre-op
room until my anesthetic nurse gave me something (I don't know what, but
boy, I was a happy camper after he did that :) I was brought into the OR
and once on the table someone put an oxegyn mask over my face (before
surgery I thought I was going to panic when this happened, I didn't. ) I
was told to take a deep breath and when I did I remember thinking, when am
I going to feel sleepy? As I had that thought, bamb,next thing I know I
had this nurse asking me very loudly if I was in any pain and to breathe
deeply. Soooo, I was very relieved that I was alive. I think the fear of
the unknown is worse than anything before surgery. You have to tell
yourself that you WILL see the light of day only hours after your surgery.
YOU WILL!! It's so easy for any one of us to tell you what to do and how
to feel, but it's up to you to convince yourself that you will survive this
surgery. You can try this if you'd like. The night before surgery I kept
telling myself that I was going to wake up after surgery to see my kids. I
would picture their faces and my husband's too. I have alot to live for
and I'm positive you do too or you wouldn't be having this surgery in the
first place!! Think of all the things you want to do when you have lost
weight. I want to go horseback riding, sail boating on the lake over here,
hiking up a mountain to the top so that I can look down on all of the
beauty of the land around me. I want to be there in an awesome mother of
the bride's dress when my daugther's get married (they are 13 and 4 yrs
now) and I want to go traveling with my husband once all the kids have
grown up and are out of the house. See? There's soooo much living to be
done!! Keep telling yourself that!!
Cathy
— jenlaur1
August 8, 2002
Janelle, I too thought I was going to die. But only if I didn't get the
surgery. Your chances of having a heart attack, stroke, sleep apnea etc.
etc. are even greater living obese then it is from having the surgery.
There is a less then 1% chance of a complication and even less chance of
dying. Get yourself prepared for after surgery, start thinking positive and
plan for what your big reward will be when you hit your goal weight.
— Sue A.
August 8, 2002
I thought I was going to die too. I even wrote good bye letters to my
husband and kids. I upped my life insurance and made out a will. The day
of the surgery I just about changed my mind about a 1000 times. I am now
three months post op and down 72 pounds. I feel like a teenager again.
The only regret I have is that I thought about this for a year before
actualluy having it done. Check out my profile.
— Linda A.
August 9, 2002
Janelle,
I feel you...I'm pre-op too and I have bad thoughts as well. I flip-flop
thinking "God what if I die?" Then I turn around and think how
great life will be after the surgery. My biggest plan is to move to Miami
next year...I keep thinking about that. You truly have to envision how
things are gonna change for you...a positive mind set is really important.
I agree with Lisa on that one...If you truly cannot find any positives
after the surgery, maybe you should reconsider or give yourself some time
to think things over. You do have to remember that since you are young and
pretty healthy that your chances are better. Whenever I get "I'm
gonna die" feelings I look at other people's profiles and see how the
majority of them are doing great and picture myself there. Make sure you
do all your research. I read 2 books by doctors and Carnie's book as well.
(Just FYI they were "Fat No More" and "The Doctor's Guide
to Weight Loss Surgery") They made me feel very informed and like I'm
making the right decision...I hope all of this helps...
— Morna B.
August 9, 2002
Hi, I know what you are feeling. The night before my sugery in my hotel
room (I had to travel 3 hours to get to the hospital), I couldn't sleep and
I cried most the night. I also wrote letters to my sons saying goodbye. I
was sure I was not going to make it through the surgery. Being a nurse I
knew too much what could happen. But you know what?? I made it and now am
12 weeks post op and living great. Hang in there baby, you are going to be
ok. Make sure you surround yourself with lots of supporting friends and
family. Also, please feel free to e mail me and I will be some
"ears" for you ok?? God bless you.
— Gina D.
August 9, 2002
You need to go into surgery with a positive attitude. The day after
surgery is the first day of the rest of your life. Do you not see that
thousands and thousands have had this surgery and living a fulfilled life
because of it. You are young and will do great, just remember think
positive. Thats 99% of it.
— cmonty2855
August 9, 2002
I had the same feeling before my surgery....but with the love of my friends
and family, i made it through the tough times before my surgery, and made
it through the surgery itself...now one year post op and 165 pounds lost,
im sure that i made the right decision, and i wouldn't do anything to turn
back time, even after all the sleepless nights i spent thinking my life was
going to be ended...now my life is great and if anything...it's going to be
longer!!!!
— [Deactivated Member]
August 9, 2002
I had my surgery on june 26,2002 and as the date of my surgery approached I
stated getting scared. My mother told me to just pray. You have to have
faith that you will make it. Prayer and belief will make you calm. You have
to make peace with you decision to have this surgery and put it in gods
hands. The surger will be over befor you know it. I did not experience
pain. I will pray for you and I know that you will be fine.
— mszdaisy
August 9, 2002
Janelle-I hope you can get over the nerves and have the surgery if you
truly feel its for you. I decided this is my last chance at having a life.
I'm almost 9 weeks post op and down 49.5 lbs. I was not nervous at all--I
was happy to get this done and I'm feeling so much better. I'm hating
myself less and less and today 2 people at work stopped me to tell me that
they can see a difference in me. Maybe you can focus on that thought. A
thinner and healthier YOU. I believe what my doctor told me...this surgery
will add 10-12 years onto your life. Whatever you decide I wish you the
best. God Bless.
— Bambi C.
August 10, 2002
Wow is your question apropo for me...I just went thru a week of testing for
lung cancer and I thought a whole lot about death...One thing I realized is
that I really do not fear death...what I was afraid of was the process of
dying...Well I really can't think of a better way to die than while
asleep...I hope that is how I go out! <p>A good idea for you is to
examine how you feel about death and see if you can find some comfort in
that!
<p>BTW...my test came back negative...so now I'm concentrating on WLS
again!
— NoraNora
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