Question:
How do I let go?
I had wls on 7/17/01. My husband told me today that he no longer loves me the way he use to. Last Oct, my husband was ready to end our marriage but, has not done so for my sake. I used to be controlling w/ a sharp tongue. I have been to counseling and overcame these traits within myself. I have been with my husband for 14 yrs and have been married for 12 of those yrs. I havn't been able to have children of my own. I have been a stay at home (step) mom for almost 12 yrs. Since my son was 4. In my heart, I feel as if my step-son is my own child. His natural mother has never been in the picture much. I want to stay involved in my son's life. He just turned 16 and only has a couple of years til he graduates from highschool. My husband and I are amicable and are planning on staying together til after graduation. I know when we split up I will loose my entire world. My husband, my son, my home, and my identity. If it were my natural son and we divorced at least I would still see him on holidays and and he would come over occassionally and so forth. But as it is, with teenagers, he is already drifting to independence and has less time for parents. I already feel so lonely and my heart actually aches and feels a physical pain thinking of my future. My husband won't go to counseling, so that's not an option. Getting out and being around friends helps a bit, but it's not the same as family living together. I know I'll eventually have to but I don't know how in the world I can let go of the two people who are my world. God help me, I don't want to loose my family. And I don't want to become depressed. Has anyone had this type of situation soon after WLS and not had to be put on anti-depressants. ---At home and lonely — [Anonymous] (posted on August 15, 2001)
August 15, 2001
Life is not easy. You make daily choices and you move on.
I've been where your at and its not funny or easy.
I came to this conclusion on my own. I DO NOT WANT ANYONE THAT DOES NOT
WANT ME..because that is pity.
I worked hard...i went on with my life...i planned a life by myself...i got
busy..i joined a divorce group and i tried to stay busy. I also worked on
my inner self and my spirit. Things begin to happen. And everything
worked out for good. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. No one else will. I'm saying
a prayer for you now...
— Jackiis
August 15, 2001
I don't know if this will help. Nothing is going to spare you the pain of
abandonment and rejection that you are facing. It is the worst! For what
it's worth, I went through something similar. My first husband didn't love
me anymore. I thought I would die. Love changes over years of marriage;
that is to be expected. But to suddenly be "un-lovable" is
excruciating pain of the worst kind. For anyone.
I went to therapy alone - it helped me develop tools to deal with the loss.
I found, much to my surprised, that I survived. And you will, too. Even if
it doesn't seem like it right now. And you will grow stronger as a person.
(What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. There's some truth in that old
saying.) And more independent. Get involved in any activity or interest
you've had. Now is the time for personal growth. See if you can maintain a
relationship with the child you've loved and raised; if you plan to stay
together until graduation, then your relationship with that child will
change anyway, to an adult-to-adult one. Years after this happened to me,
I met a wonderful man, as a direct result of some personal hobbies I
pursued out of my loneliness and need to blossom as an individual. We fell
in love and have been married now for 16 years. It turned out that being
"dumped" by my first husband who no longer loved me was the best
thing that ever happened to me. Who knows? The best may be yet to come for
you, too. Be optimistic, look to your future, nurture yourself. And when
you cannot, find a good friend to talk to and a private nook where you can
just cry. I feel your breaking heart and send you love.
— Lisa D.
August 15, 2001
I am still pre-op but I am going through some marital problems. I feel that
my husband is pulling away to prepare himself for what is about to come
September 26th when I have my surgery. The situation is reversed with us.
He is step-father to my two children. I just want to tell you what I told
him. My son is fiften and starting to pull away towards his independence.
No matter what happens between us my son will always consider him
"Father". He never has to worry about that. You just can't erase
those years. I can say we have had our problems but he has always done
absolutely anything and everything he could by my children. Sounds familiar
huh? If you are going to stay together until your son is 18 legally he can
make up his own mind to continue a relationship with you. That is one thing
you don't have to worry about. You don't have to worry or not if you would
be excluded from his life because you are not a biological parent.
I am sorry that your husband won't consider counseling. My husband is
afraid if I will become healthy I won't need him and will leave because of
our past problems. I don't know what God has in store for me. I know that
he knows best. I pray that you keep that in mind and work on your self.
Don't worry about your son he knows who his mother is. And pray for your
own stregnth, health, and marriage. Everything will work out even if
changes have to be made. Be willing to do things different. Everything we
set up in life won't stay exactly the same. Some change is for the best
even if we can't see that right now. I hope this helps. I was compeled to
respond. I will keep you in my prayers and heart.
— Vanessa H.
August 15, 2001
I can't speak to the marital issues, but the step-son you love as your own?
You know, they get independent for awhile. My own left home on schedule
& we stayed friends. My step-dtr is a delight and I wish she was mine.
We enjoy the same name & same bday, so we have serious fun with that.
Her bio mom treated her like pond scum. I "mommed" her. She is a
maervelous girl, who has always done her "duty" (between rock
concerts & yound adult things) and visits her family members (whether
they abused her or were nice) as a sense of duty and she has a loving
disposition. So, it could be that since you are mom to this boy, you will
NOT lose him in a split. Kids love their parents, even if they find them
BORING at this present age. I don't envy your present position, but I do
want to reassure you that if you have loved this boy since he was a toddler
and he sees you as mom, he will not be lost to you, except during that
brief period when they think we're too stupid to tie our own shoes anyway.
— vitalady
August 15, 2001
My heart goes out to you! I know it's a very tough situation you are in. I
am with the previous poster. Why prolong this agony until "your"
son graduates? I KNOW why but can't UNDERSTAND why? You want to go thru
this agony for 2 more years?? If I were you, I would end the marriage NOW.
"Your" son is old enough to talk to...I would take him out to
lunch or something so it's just you and him and tell him how you feel. Tell
him how much you love him and that when you and his father divorce, you
want to continue being his mom. Tell him you will always be there when he
needs you. Yes, he is gaining and establishing his independance now, you
just need to let him know that you don't want to lose contact with him. You
never know, he may be feeling the same things you are if he is aware of the
situation between you and his father. He may be worried about losing you
too. So sit down and talk to him.It will probably make both of you feel a
little better. <<<huggs>>>
— Kim B.
August 15, 2001
At home & lonely - I think the name you chose says much about your
situation. I have been where you are at. Of course, I had not had WLS,
but the pain and the feeling of being lost is very relevant. I have been
divorced for awhile and now consider myself happily divorsed. In my
marriage I gave everything and lost myself in the process. I was always
trying to please and took the emotional abuse from my husband. I didn't
realize at the time that was happening. My ex use to threaten divorce all
the time. Finally, I got a good therapist and he helped me see that my
marriage was distroying me. I felt like I could not move on alone and was
very frightened. For my own sanity I made the decision to move out and
did. I had a 6 year old adopted son at the time and had to deal with that
as well. I felt the pain of being deceived by someone I thought was going
to love me for eternity. But, I survived. My recommendation is for you to
begin developing yourself. Your life is changing and with wls drasticly.
You mentioned you stayed at home for a long time. Try taking a class of
some kind. Start preparing yourself for working or start working. You are
going to be a beautiful slim women that is smart and active. At first it
will be lonely but fill your life with friends. Remember you are already
lonely and it is the worst type of loney because you have to stare at it
everyday. Start changing now. Build yourself up. If you don't want to cook
dinner than don't. You do not owe him anything. I stayed to long, he just
wanted to make sure his agenda was ready. Your son will remember
everything. You might find at first he has an allegence with his dad.
That is typical. But, he will come around. You can't lose that love he
has for you. You now need to start a new family. Perhaps a cat? I am not
making light of your situation since I know what the pain is like. Feel
free to e-mail me if you would like to talk sometime. You can do this.
Focus on your recovery and make a list of things you like to do. I hope
this helped.
— Susan S.
August 16, 2001
Hi, I have recently had wls (8/9/01) and am not in your situtation, but I
do have a few words of encouragement if, you don't mind. First off, let me
tell you: You are an amazing woman, not once did I see a hint of bitterness
towards your husband and raising his son all these years. I want you to
know, that yes, raising teens can be diffucult and they want some space,
but remember, he will always think of you as his mother and will always
come back to YOU! No matter what. :) Secondly, if, you feel that you need
to take some anti-depressants, please do. You should not feel ashamed in
any way. The way they are made these days, they do not leave you feeling
groggy and out of it for days and bedridden. They help you take the edge
off of it and help you relax as to make better decisions for yourself.
Thirdly, having had wls surgery recently, you are well on your way to
becoming an even more beautiful person who can obtain your own personal
goals and achieve new heights of inner wisdom. You are not an old woman
being left with nothing, you have your whole life ahead of you!! Lastly,
you can now learn to turn to yourself and to other women (esp) for help in
dealing with everyday turmoils and this website is a wonderful place to
start. I have seen and experienced the amazing support that one can receive
here and it can be so uplifting and worthy to your soul. So, please take
what I have said and let it sit with you for a moment and then rejoice in
your new upcoming life and celebrate the beautiful person that you truely
are!! Lots of Luck and Hugs to you!!!M
— ncgal
August 20, 2001
— Patrick D.
August 20, 2001
I have to agree with much of what Patrick said. I had surgery
1-00 and have lost 138 pounds. My husband woke up last January
(1 year after surgery) and wanted a divorce- even had a new
girlfriend he met on-line (thankfully NOT in person!) My old
nature would have been to react in anger and kick him out- I
wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't want me, right?
BUT- God was definitely with me as I replied, "No, I don't
want a divorce (and actually- I was tempted because I had
lost weight and looked good and guys were noticing me). I
believe God can help us in ANY circumstance and told my husband so.
Now, he had a choice to stay or go, he decided to stay. To
add to Patrick's comments- for me and my husband, we had so
many compulsive behaviors between us that when I changed my eating,
his compulsive behavior stuck out! For YEARS our behaviors played
off of each other's and when a wrench was thrown in- havoc
broke loose, especially with my husband who didn't realize
how HE would be affected by MY weight loss. He
became very insecure and needy, as was I in my
new role as a thin person. I think obese people should
follow the 12 step suggestion not to make any
major changes in the 1st year(job changes, spouse
changes, etc) after getting "sober", if that
makes any sense. My suggestion? First, I read a
book called "Love is a Decision"- you can
find it in any Christian book store. My husband
noticed such a change in me, HE read it too!
Secondly, even if he doesn't want to go to counselling,
you go! Get the support YOU need from family and friends.
Thirdly, I will pray. I don't believe divorce has to be the
answer. Good Luck! Write any time:)
— M B.
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