Question:
Where do I go from here my marriage is falling apart
*WARNING..LONG* Ok..this is really a non-wls question/venting thing, but I don't know what to do anymore or where to go or how to feel. I feel empty and am hurting so much inside that my fingertips hurt. I have cried to the point of where my eyes are so swollen and my throat and chest hurt. For the past two weeks, my husband and I have done nothing but fight. I know part of mine is hormones out of control and the stress of trying to find a job, take care of kids, finances, and a home. His is his job, finances, and his daughter deciding she does not want to live with us anymore. For the last 8 yrs, my sex drive has been non-existent. I was on bp meds and knew the side effects were a low sex drive, but I mean, I have none..no feeling..no nothing. When I lay my head down at night, all I want to do is sleep. When we do make love, it's allright, but not like it was earlier in our marriage. He has thrown it in my face everytime he gets angry, depressed, or sad. I thought after the surgery and getting off the meds, that it would improve, but it has not. Now, we got into it last night and he says that he feels he should leave. I told him that right now, with the kids about to start school, that it would be a major disruption for them and the fact, that I love him and do not want that. He said fine, we will just go about our business as usual. I feel like such a failure. I know I have alot of resentment built up of yrs of his drinking, his lack of motivation for trying anything to better our lives. I know he loves me. I know that he has looked at pornography and feel like he wants me to be one of those kind of women and there is no way. I love him too and do not want our kids to end up in a broken home. He is a good father and can be a good husband and we have shared some great times in our almost 14 yrs of being married. I guess what I am asking is, is there any hope? I suggested counseling with our pastor, but it went through one ear and out the other. I feel maybe I should go and try to find out why I am failing so miserably. Is there a pill or something magical that I can do to not lose my marriage? Sorry so long. — dixieb (posted on July 29, 2003)
July 29, 2003
Lots of folks get depressed and you sure sound that way. You should see
your PCP immediately to get something to help depression. I have had times
like this feeling totally overwhelmed once you feel a bit better lots of
these issues can be worked on. Dont give up! You will receive excellent
support and lots of great ideas from our members.
— bob-haller
July 29, 2003
Dottie, Hang in there girl! You might want to talk to your doctor but try
to remember that there is always hope in any situation. My husband and I
have suffered through similiar trials- he was laid off from a pretty good
job last year right after I gave birth to twins, which brought our number
of children up to 5 ( all girls) I can relate to the lack of sex drive
and stress. The most important thing I have learned is to stop focusing on
my husband and start focusing on ME- I go to the gym and plan activities
with my kids and even find time to do things with my friends. Once I got
into a "happy" routine and implemented positive activities and
thoughts into my life- our marriage has improved a great deal. It could be
that I am a happier person to be around or it could be because we don't
have a lot of time to spend together, so we make the most of the time we
have- in other words we don't have much time to argue lol. I know it is
hard right now but you can't change things you don't have any control over-
like your husband- you can't change him, however you can change the way you
react to him, and the way you interact with him. Work on becoming a
happier person and do it for YOU and your kids- let the rest of the pieces
fall where they will. Hopefully your husband will respond to the good
changes by making a few on his own. Sometimes when people feel pushed to
do something they shut down and do nothing. Give him time to come around
and in the mean time- make some time for fun in your life- you deserve it!
I know you can accomplish all you hope for! I have 5 small girls- the
oldest is 7 and the youngest are 17 month old twins- it is such a chore to
dress them and get them out of the door some days but I do it every day-
even if we just go to a convenience store for slurpees! I make sure we do
something fun and frivilous every day. This has worked for me and on the
days when I feel my previously old and tired outlook on life trying to
creep back in- I push myself even harder! I wish you all the best and if
you ever want to vent to a friend- please e-mail me! 4 months post op-
down 84 lbs.
— lyndaleigh
July 29, 2003
Hi Dottie- I don't have a quick answer for you but I am sorry that you are
in such pain. I think before the surgery i used to think "if only I
could have this operation, everything would be better" and of course
post op all the same problems are there and some are worse...I know that
you are not alone and I think that one failing of most surgeons is
aftercare that addresses the family and social changes that occur post op.
Lots of folks unfortuantely find that their relationship with their spouse
struggles after WLS. It's a huge adjustment for everyone involved. While
you can't force your husband to counseling (and it probably wouldn't be
effective if he was there under duress) you can and must take care of
yourself. Please, please get counseling and treatment for depression and if
you possibly can, attend the support group at your surgeon's practice. You
don't have to feel this despair forever...I promise, it can get better. And
yes, there is always hope...and you will be fine whatever happens. You
already showed your bravery and strength by having the surgery...you are up
to this challenge. I'll be sending good thoughts your way.
— gamboge
July 29, 2003
First, get to your doc like Bob suggested. Stress, depression and meds
make for some very difficult physical and emotional side effects. Write
down what you are feeling so you don't get overwhelmed when you go for your
appointment. Are you having trouble sleeping? Crying all the time?
etc....they can help you with that. Second, if you husband won't go to
counseling, then you go. You can only help yourself, and that is your
priority. Third, whatever you do, keep true to yourself. One thing that
I noticed was your statement you didn't want your kids to be from a broken
home...ask yourself how much fun can it be for them to have parents who
constantly fight and a mom is who depressed and crying all the time? Is
there hope? Sure, but it will be something that you will have to work at -
not at changing him, but of accepting him and accepting yourself. And
deciding what is most important. Good luck to you.
— Susan F.
July 29, 2003
Hi. I agree with Bob, and it sounds like you are both depressed and just so
overwhelmed by life in general that you both need treatment. However, since
he is unwilling at this time, go on your own. If your pastor isn;t enough
you may need a licensed therapist. You also may have hormone imbalances
which could interfere with your sex drive. ASk your PCP to refer you to an
OBGYN or endocrinologist. We all hope losing weight will magically
transform our lives, but unfortunately it doesn't! The old problems don't
go away...sigh...but when weight is no longer an issue, dealing with other
problems is sometimes easier. Good luck!
— Chris T.
July 29, 2003
Anti-depressants and counseling, for starters. If he won't go with you,
then you go. You can't change anyone but YOU. If he drinks, there's
obviously a big problem right there, that HE needs to work on. Places like
Al-Anon help significant others of people who drink. It's hard to feel
loving/affectionate towards someone you're angry with...and certainly his
non-affectionate attitude towards you, his drinking, his looking at
pornography, and his refusal to go to counseling have pissed you off. Have
you told him this? Tell him you're pissed...and why. Then he'll have a
clear picture about why things aren't working right now. If you don't tell
HIM (you can tell us, but the main person to tell is HIM), he may not know
all this stuff is driving you nuts. Communication is paramount in a
marriage. I had a husband who would not talk to me when stuff was going
wrong, and it destroyed our marriage ultimately. Please start with seeing
your PCP and perhaps get a referral to a mental health specialist, who can
prescribe antidepressants and guide you towards counseling. Hang in
there...YOU are not a failure...your marriage is just not succeeding the
way you would like it right now. Hugs, Joy
— [Deactivated Member]
July 29, 2003
Hi Dottie, I have been just where you are right now. I thought after I lost
weight I would get my sex drive back and everything would be honky dory
with my hubby. We tried counseling and really just found we were not doing
each other any good by being together. We are currently in the process of
divorce, but because we did lay everything on the table and were honest
about our feelings it is a very amicable and even friendly divorce (people
cannot believe that we are getting divorced because we get along like good
buddies) the point I am trying to make is that it does not always work out,
but you need to get yourself to a healthy place to decide if your marriage
is able to be repaired or not. Any decision made prior to getting yourself
some help will just be made in haste. I do know that since we were able to
make this decision in the manner that we did that our kids are handling
this very well. Please also look into some help for your kids, all the
fighting and tension cannot be doing them any good either. Please keep us
posted on how things are going, get to a Dr for your hormones and a
counsler for your emotional issues. Good Luck.
— Stephanie B.
July 29, 2003
Dottie - I am a firm believer that God wants your marriage to stay
together. He will supply all your needs to make this happen. You just
need to get with some people from your church and start praying. You said
that your husband wants nothing to do with the "church" thing, so
what, you go and get the help you need from your pastor and church family.
God will take care of your husband. God has you and your family's best
interest at heart, He will never let you down. I will be praying for you
and your husband. You hang in their girl, and Trust in God with all your
heart. God bless you both.
— Greattobe B.
July 29, 2003
Hi Dottie, you can do alot to save your marriage,but it takes two willing
to do so and if your husband is not willing to work on your marriage, then
the others are right, you must look after yourself and the kids by seeing a
therapist to deal with your anger and despair. You can only control
yourself-that is a hard one to accept, I know. I don't think YOU are
failing miserably-remember it takes two. Ask your husband if he wants to
save the marriage and if so, insist he go to counseling with you. He is
having his own frustrations as you are having yours and both of you are too
angry and hurt and full of resentment to work it thru on your own. If this
marriage is important to him, he will do what it takes to make it healthy
again. Its not easy, it takes work, but it can be done. Show him these
responses. Perhaps it may help. Good luck.
— Cindy R.
July 29, 2003
I have an issue with people using "God" for their own use.
Please make your decision on what's best for you and your family. God will
love you either way. Please get professional help, this is a major
decision you have to make and 100 hours of praying may not help you, but
professional help may. I wish you luck.
— Cagspence S.
July 29, 2003
I understand the situation that you are in. I guess what grabbed me the
most about your writing is that you said that you do have a lot of
resentment built up of yrs of his drinking and lack of trying to better
your lives. That's where my problem laid, and I found that I had the same
no sex drive. I didn't even think I would ever want another man. It was
to that degree. But, I found that I couldn't put up with it, that
emotionally it tore me down to pieces and that I had to move on. I didn't
intend on meeting someone quickly, but I did, and I found that being
treated like a woman instead of someone that is just supposed to handle
everything was the difference for me. I hate to put a damper on marriage,
everyone feel free to slam me if that's what you choose to do, but I would
examine how much resentment that you really do harbor, because it not
something that a magical pill or even the WLS can take away. Examine what
you want for YOU in your life. Good luck
— sheri H.
July 29, 2003
First, never apologize for needing and seeking help! That's what we're
here for. :) To me this is just as important as what sort of protein to
eat post-op. ;) I just wanted to mention that Paxil (an anti-depressant)
is a lot of the reason my marriage failed! It kills a sex drive. However,
there are others (such as Wellbutrin) that do NOT affect the sex drive, and
sometimes improve it. <BR>
I agree with the other posters that counseling is definitely the place to
start, and you have to start with yourself. My ex and I went, and the
first question she asked us was on a scale of 1 to 10, how much did we want
to save the marriage? You might ask yourself this, and also ask your
husband. You need to know where you stand right now. I was in the
opposite situation to an extent, because of his anger I didn't want to save
it as much as he did. I was tired of trying to love someone who was always
angry with me for something (or nothing!), and I have a daughter who I did
not feel deserved to live in an angry home. God loves you for you, not for
how you deal with life. When He says "never forsake", he's not
kidding. :) I wish you peace in your heart. You deserve at least that!
— ladyphy
July 29, 2003
One thing that stood out was your saying "why I am failing so
miserably"... WHO said its you??? You mentioned your resentment about
'HIS' drinking "HIS" not wanting to go to a counslor, etc...
Marriage is a partnership and a two way street. As I see it your husband
is as much the cause of this marriage 'failing' as you blame yourself. You
can't force him to do anything. Best thing would be to go to a counselor
and find out whats 'best for you'... and as for 'the kids' having TWO
happy parents - either divorced or together is better than TWO unhappy
'together' parents.
Good luck.
You might also make a list: Good/Bad and compare them. Ann Landers is
always saying decide if you would be better off with or without...
One thing I see if your unhappy; YOU have offered to help change.. he
hasnt.
Sometimes 'nothing' is better than 'something'. Even abused women stay
with 'their man ... cause I love him'...
The question is do you love yourself?
— star .
July 29, 2003
AMEN to Christi below. I was on Paxil for a few years and I thought my
marriage was going to end as well. I have "O%" sex drive. And
to be honest, sex is TERRIBLE when you don't want it. Not only is it a bad
experience for you but your partner as well. I am now on Celexa. This
worked wonders for me.
Girl, it definately sounds like you are having some emotional problems
probably due to chemical inbalance so I suggest you go get help NOW! You
are suffering from depression and you can't even think straight. Once you
get some help you can think about what is actually going on in your
marriage and you can make a decision then. Right now you are probably
being pulled all different directions and you don't even know if you're
coming or going!!!! PLEASE, go see your doctor and he/she can help you.
I'll pray for you and God Bless Sweetie!!
— Jeanette D.
July 29, 2003
In the majority of cases, when men look at porn (and the majority do
ladies)it has nothing to do with their wives, and them "wanting you to
look or be or even act like that". That's YOUR interpertation of why
he looks at it; you don't know unless you ask. I did. He said, I look at
it to get aroused, do my business and go to bed (he works nights, and I
work days; we joke that he has sex once a day with or without me). Once I
figured out that he may need stimulation/release for his needs it really
didn't bother me. I personally do not need it, therefore don't use it.
Still- do not assume WHY, that is just a automatic insecure response to
something you feel uneasy about. A lot of your post is written in the
"I am the bad person" or "it's all my fault" martyr
mode- that needs to end ASAP. Quit beating yourself up. I also commend the
person who is having a amicable divorce, as "Dr. Phil agrees"
that this is the only type of divorce to have- it means that you have
worked everything out, are "friends" harbor no unresolved
resentments and your children will probably come out of it OK. Sure we all
want our marriages to work, but if they DON'T then work on making your
LIVES work, albeit seperately, but with a common postive goal (the
children). Divorce or not, always be on the SAME TEAM even if it kills ya.
— Karen R.
July 29, 2003
Hi Dottie! Man, can I feel your pain. I felt like I reading my own life
history. I have not had a sex drive for about 7 years, and like you, I hope
as I lose weight it will come back. But I think I have built up resentments
towards my husband too. In fact we were separated for about a year and I
just recently moved back in with him, mainly for the children. I love him
very much and he is a good father and he is trying real hard to be a good
husband, but many times I feel numb. I am taking Zoloft, but I couldn't
tell you if it is working or not. But what I can tell you is you need to be
strong, especially for your children. Marriage is hard, and if you want to
talk to me more about this feel free to email me. My husband and I have
been together for 17 years, married for 9. There is no magical pill, but I
do think counseling for you would be helpful! Hang in there...this is a
learning experience.
— Denise D.
July 29, 2003
I am preop and take Zoloft, while it does great for depression it kills the
sex drive. I tried Wellbutrin (sp)but it didn't help the sex drive and the
depression was worse,so I went back on Zoloft. Now I see someone has
mentioned another one I haven't tried, so I may need to ask my Dr about it.
— doodlebug
July 29, 2003
You've gotten some great advice and I agree with all the urgings to
consider counseling. One of the things you mentioned twice as a stressor
both of you was the finances. While you really need to first work on how
you feel and getting your marriage back on firm ground, when you feel as
though you're ready to tackle other things TOGETHER, please consider
checking out www.cheapskatemonthly.com. It's not only a newsletter on how
to manage finances, there is a wonderful support group on that site who
completely understand how finances can affect a relationship. I went from
having very little money in the bank and poor credit to purchasing my own
home and not being afraid of those big expenses that seem to happen at the
worst time. I have enough money set aside to see me through six months of
unemployment if it ever happens and now I'm focusing on my retirement
portfolio...and I'm a single mom. Again, this is for whenever you both
feel strong enough to tackle other issues. Best of luck.
— antiques55
July 29, 2003
Dottie,
It looks like you've gotten some great responses so I'll keep mine short.
The only person you can change is you. Here is a few things that helped my
marriage...
-Dr. Phil's Book Relationship Rescue (I listened to it on tape while I
walked or drove to and from work)
-Prozac
-Secrets of the Sexual Surrogate video - I gave this to my husband and it
taught him how to touch me and kiss me to get me in the mood even when I
was sure I wasn't in the mood
-Making sure I tell him or show him everyday I appreciate him
He is YOUR husband! Fight for your marriage for you and him not just for
the kids! It is not fair to expect him to stay in a marriage with no
intimacy. You are beautiful and you are HIS wife! He picked you! I wish
you all the luck in the world don't give up!!!!!
— GAYLE H.
July 29, 2003
Hope you won't mind another guy's perspective on your woes. You're not a
failure-- although, I know how devastating it is to have WLS, be in the
process of accomplishing a long-standing goal and then have reality hit you
in the face. I mean, it just doesn't seem fair that all of our other
problems don't dissolve with the weight we lose. And, you will be the one
to have to try to work through these issues, which would feel like just
another burden if I were in your shoes. So what can you do?
First, recognize that all the men I know do not look/gaze/oggle at adult
images and envision being married to one of the models. In fact, many guys
typically look at stuff that is purely a fantasy and that they would never
want in their real lives. Secondly, you've described that a source of
stress has been the absence of a love life-- prior to surgery it was due to
weight issues and now there are the normal array of emotional life stresses
that conspire to squelch anyone's libido. The absence of a love life can
be adding stress-- and feeling guilty that there is not more romance (he
probably does too) only adds to the stresses that conspire to limit your
libido . . you see the vicious cycle that is at work here. If I were your
husband, I would probably be feeling like I was a failure-- after all, my
wife who is losing weight and I aren't setting off fireworks, my daughter
wants to leave my home and I am having trouble (as the provider) being the
family's hunter and gatherer. And, why don't we add to that pile of stuff
to make him feel like crap the conflict of emotions he must endure on
account of his drinking problem.
Listen, I am anything but a macho man-- in fact, I am a stay-at-home Mr.
Mom--- but you can't deny generations of imbred lessons that men pick-up.
So, part of the problem may be that you are both feeling like failures.
A few things that might help would be to seek out an Al-Anon meeting in
your area to help you resolve your feelings about his drinking. Secondly,
consider finding someone that you can talk to (whether a therapist, MSW or
psychologist)-- when I am able to vent to someone, I tend to feel less like
a failure as I feel that I am doing something to better myself. Thirdly,
if your step-daughter's desire to leave is impacting your family dynamic,
assess if you can have a frank one-on-one talk with her to try to resolve
what issues may be present in her world.
Good luck . . . you are not alone!
— SteveColarossi
July 29, 2003
If the depression lifts and the mood swings stop you may feel much better.
It is hard to work on a problem when you have a cloud hanging over your
head. There is a new drug on the market called Lexapro. It starts working
within a week and has very few side effects. None of the side effects are
as severe as the older anti-depressants. I work at a counseling center and
see good results from this medication. Ask you doctor what he thinks about
this new medication. Seeing your pastor is also a very good idea even if
you go alone. I hope everything works out for the best.
— Lisa C.
July 29, 2003
Hi Dot..My heart goes out to you...been there, done that. I have been a
memeber of Al-Anon for over 5 years, and I have to say it is the best thing
I ever did for myself, including the WLS! We believe that alcoholism is a
family disease and everyone in the family suffers from the effects of
alcoholism.
The website for my area is http://www.va-al-anon.org It can tell you about
the program and give you links back to the World Service Headquarters,
where you should be able to find meetings in your area. My thoughts and
prayers are with you. And, I agree with the poster who said "God will
love you no matter what you do."...Best wishes. Linda
— Linda S.
July 29, 2003
Dottie, You have genuine concerns and the first thing you need to remember
is you no longer have your best friend (food) to pull you out of your funky
feelings. Now that you have to actually deal with problems in a responsible
way it gets overwhelming. I am a recovering Alcoholic and when I quit the
booze I went totally batty. I like that some of the people sugested Ala-Non
it will help you understand that at least that area is his problem and how
you can better cope with that aspect of the ordeal. Give your self a break.
Do see your pasture and if he cant help you see a therapist it is what I
had to finally do. I am in the process of surgery hopfully in October I
know I will be losing my best friend Food and it will be a challange to
actually feel feelings instead of eat them away. But I know God loves me
and I know he will give me the strength to find the best people and ways to
have an enjoyable life. I have to always remember I can't change anyone but
me. I hope all of these poeple have given you some suggestions worth
looking into. God Bless dear.
Dan
— D P.
July 30, 2003
You know what? That is a great question. I am waiting for approval for
surgery from my insurance and am having the same resentments towards my
husband and fear loosing him after the surgery. So I would like to thank
everyone who has responded to your question because it has helped me as
well. An thank you for posting it.
— April R.
August 1, 2003
Sorry that you have to post a sad subject. I am still pre op so I haven't
been where you are now. I do have something to say about the sex drive. I
have none also. I don't really have any feeling down in the private area.
First I had a shrink tell me I was sexually abused as a child. I knew I
wasn't so I never went back. Next I told my PCP. He checked my
testosterone (cant spell) level. It is lower than even the low level. He
said that women need it to get a sexual feeling. They have patches and
creams for it. I haven't tried them since my insureance doesn't cover
them. This advise won't help your marriage but it might help if you feel
like a freak like I had before the test.
— Cameron Van Winkle
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