Question:
How can Friends be so immature & jealous of my success & now hate me?
3 of my friends now hate me! On New Years Eve me and my new boyfriend went to my friends apt (by the way age may be a factor, we're all around 21-22 yrs old) and my friend told us we could not hold hands or make out b/c she didn't have anyone to do that with. A couple days later she left a voicemail on my phone cursing me out b/c i "disrespected" her b/c me & my b/f we're kissing when the ball dropped etc... then i called her back and she proceeds to tell how they are all sick of me and my weightloss, b/c i talk about it. She said they are happy for me, but say I don't need to rub it in that i am now thinner than them. I don't feel like i've done this at all. I told her that I apologize for "disrespecting" her but i don't think i was out of line. And told her she was acting very jealous by the things she was saying. Then they all got my words mixed up- and thought i was trying to tell them to have the surgery too.. which i never ever said!! Then they basically told me to go where the sun don't shine and hung up. Why are they acting like this??? They have been my friends for 7yrs and i have never had a fight with any of them. It makes me so mad. Thank you for letting me vent some.. Post op 6mos (today!) start weight: 262, Now weight: around 165, size 12's Thank you everyone — Sunny4x4chick (posted on January 8, 2003)
January 8, 2003
It sounds from your post that these friends are all MO. Mix jealousy and
immaturity together and you have a recipe for a lousy friendship. I know it
hurts to lose friends (especially ones you've had a long time), but
sometimes it's out of your control. Use you newfound confidence to go out
and make some new friends. Maybe your old friends will come around, but you
shouldn't wait around. You deserve to be happy and have friends that
support you - now go get some! :-)
— Angie M.
January 8, 2003
Hi Sunny, I am also 21 and having the same problem. My friends aren't
upfront about it though, they just ignore me! I finally asked my best
friend what was going on, and she admitted she was jealous. I personally
would be happy for my friends if the situation was reversed, but oh well!
What can ya do? :o) (8/7/02 -100)
— fropunka
January 8, 2003
If they're acting like this it sounds like they were fair weather friends.
True friends wouldn't act like hat.
— Cathy S.
January 8, 2003
I see both sides. My brother has WLS over a year before mine and I was not
educated on it. I was jealous, I didn't tell him however, I was mad at
myself, because I didn't want to HAVE to have surgery to lose my weight.
It was an eye opener for me and the jealousy ultimately forced me to
research surgery, boy am I now glad for the jealousy. I am 5 mo post op
and feel great! I don't purposely talk about my surgery and weight loss,
but it happens. I sometimes feel obsessive about it, I can't eat
that....and won't touch that....and (the ever famous) "but, I just
can't see it.
Your friends love you, but they just don't understand how all consuming it
is, we have suffered failure so many times before, we're not going to let
it happen again... Sadly unless they visit a website like this to see
exactly what the mental process involves, they may not understand that some
of your actions and words may sound conceited, but they really are the old
insecurities coming out.
Gosh, I hope I made sense. Inform them of where you came from and where
you are going. True friends will understand that.
— Dana B.
January 8, 2003
This is so funny! Not really, but I was just talking to my grandmother (my
godscend) about how "women" act toward other women. If you are a
woman you don't want a friend who is better looking than you, for that
brings you down a level. If you are a woman and you don't have a boyfriend
you become jealous of those who have a good relationship. I could go on and
on. I have heard my cousin say about her old friend who looks so hot now
that: "all she cares about is matching her purse and shoes, she's
different than before." Well, that is ridiculous. Of course she acts
different because she has self esteem now and feels grat about herself
therefore likes shopping and looking great. What is the problem with that?
The problem is my cousing liked her better when she wasn't thinner than
her. There was no competition. Just like : How many women hate Shania? Know
why: because she's beautiful and talented. How can you hate someone who has
those qualities. Women somehow are bred this odd way I feel to act
deceitful and jealous of others wellness. Not all women might I add
strongly before I become hated!! Good luck and hold your head high, you
are your own best friend anyways..
— Wendy K.
January 8, 2003
Unfortunately these people may not really be your friends. They may in
time get over it and see how really immature they were being. I think that
it's really too bad when this happens but it absulutely does. I try very
hard to restrain myself around people at times and other time I am just so
damn psyched that I do talk about it alot. You know what I've spent a
large portion of my life trying very hard to "blend in" and be
part of the wall paper because I didn't want to be noticed. Well no more.
Here I am take it or leave it. The true friends will be there and be
"genuinely" happy for you. The rest of them should just go away
and they probably will in time. You know how amazing what you have done
really is and if you have to talk it up a little to keep yourself in the
right frame of mind to succeed they need to understand that. I need to
share that's just part of who I am. (obviously) LOL Hang in there and
Congratulations. It'll all work out in the end there are alot of changes
right now. Penny 7/31/02 LAP RNY -65 :-)
— pcollin4
January 8, 2003
Actually, I don't like Shania because I don't find much talent in her
voice....
— Karen R.
January 8, 2003
Your friends attitude probably has more to do with the way they feel about
themselves than about your behavior, take it as some sort of weird
compliment and just take some distance and let them get over it on their
own, if they don't well it's no big loss....
Congratulation on your weight loss, Diane
— Diane B.
January 8, 2003
This jealousy thing seems to be such a female thing, and it really saddens
me. Two things I have vowed as a female, is to never let jealousy have an
influence in my life. I have been envious at times, but never jealous.
Nor do I anknowledge jealousy. Even when someone recently made a comment
about me looking "gaunt" (can you imagine, 150 pounds and gaunt,
I dont think so...) I just smiled and thanked them for being concerned and
said how great I feel.
The second thing, is I have raised two daughters to be great girlfriends.
From an early age, I have made sure they valued their girlfriends for their
gifts, talents, and beauty (internal and external). Beauty (again internal
and external) attracts beauty.
In short, I would say if your girlfriends were truly great friends for 7
years, give them a chance to come to terms with your changes. Give
yourself a chance to come to terms with your changes, I am sure you self
esteem, and out going nature is just beginning to evolve. If they are
truly not friends, you will know that too over time.
Congratulations on your great success!
Much happiness to you,
— Nene B.
January 8, 2003
It's a shame that friends have to act like this. Reading your profile I was
almost laughing thinking that if the girls read that question they would
see how dumb they sound. Truly, it is a shame though, and for this reason I
don't have many female friends. I am easygoing, and don't have the energy
to waste on someone that befriends me for not calling her every single day,
sometimes you are just busy or for someone not liking my boyfriend, now
husband choice. I recently had one of my friends say to me though, that I
was not "allowed" to be smaller than her and that she was going
to get her butt in gear to lose weight too. She was joking, or seemed to
be, but it makes me wonder what is going to happen to our relationship once
I do get smaller than her? I like to think it's stronger than a little
jealously. I personally would be super happy for a friend for any reason,
not jealous, that's what real friends are for. Good luck if you care to try
to salvage your relationship with your childish friends. They'll eventually
grow up, maybe you'll be caught up in your new life by then. Good Luck with
whatever you do and enjoy your life, don't let them bring you down.
— Dee ,.
January 8, 2003
Sunny, it does not matter how old you are, as one other post said women are
like that. I am in my mid 30's and my friends and sister are acting the
same way. They have not come right to my face to tell me why they are
ignoring me, they just don't include me anymore. I guess I try to
understand because I would have been jealous also but they could have done
what I did in a heart beat. Their comment to me is they don't want to do
anything that drastic to their bodies, well then stay 300 lbs and enjoy
your dysfunctional life. (the dysfunction is not only weight related it
has spilled onto the rest of her life also) I don't understand if they
don't want to be drastic then why be jealous because I decided to? I don't
get it. I wish you luck and hey e-mail if you want we can swap stories.
[email protected]
— Dawn L.
January 8, 2003
I remember when my MIL was doing great on WW and whenever she would see me
she'd tell my how much weight she lost. YES, I was happy for her, and YES,
I wanted to be supportive, but inside it drove me totally CRAZY because I
wished I was losing too. That's why when I had my WLS I never talked about
the weight loss unless someone asks specifically, and even then I don't
elaborate. You're not doing anything wrong sharing your success, but if
it's painful for them because of where they're at, and you do want them as
friends, then maybe it would be more sensitive not to talk about it. I
have a really skinny friend at work that I share stuff with because she's
very supportive and I'll NEVER be as little as her LOL, but to anyone
larger than me (especially my MIL who gained all the weight back ;), I keep
quiet.
— mom2jtx3
January 8, 2003
hi sunny :) sorry for what you are going through. i have 2 girlfriends that
when i was very new post op used to be so happy for me but now that ive
lost a drastic amount, these 2 dont even look my way if i happen to run
into them while out shopping or something. its very sad to me as im still
the same sweet carrie i always have been there is just physically way less
of me now.these 2 girls are also heavy so i think it is jeolousy however
they have the option to have this wls if they want it, they are free to
make the decision just as i did so taking the jelousy out on me is not fair
but oh well. my best friend had wls about a month after me so im glad that
we are sorta sharing the journey together and im greatful we both had it
cuz if i got skinny it would be hard for her and vice versa. we were both
chunky buts together LOL! and now we are gettin skinny together so thats
cool :) i was always the biggest person in my family but i notcie that
since this is not the case anymore, although they are happy for me, they
have admitted to being jealous and my new nickname is
"beeeeeacch" LOL atleast they are honest and have a sense of
humor about it. best of luck to you and again im sorry for the way you were
treated. :)
— carrie M.
January 8, 2003
Sunny, I agree with Linda B. that we have to be a little sensitive to those
friends we have had since pre-op that are still overweight when we were
once and now are not. I can remember one girl at work (not really a
friend), that when I was obese, she would moan to me and another that she
was sooooo fat and had gained 2 pounds - this from a girl who was a size 4.
This she says with a straight face while I was over 200 pounds. I thought
to myself, how insensitive she was and was angry and disliked her until I
really thought about it. We often see the world through our own rose
colored glasses and its natural to focus on ourselves. So, you have
probably talked alot about your WLS journey and how happy you are in front
of your friends just like this girl at work did, much to my annoyance and
probably to the annoyance of your friends who have not lost any weight.
Even if you don't think you were rubbing it in, if your friend said to you
that you are, then that is the way they feel, so just accept it. Its sad
that they cannot accept you no matter what you look like, but if you do
start seeing them again, just do not talk about your weight or diet. BTW,
great weight loss for 6 months! You can always come here and talk to us,
though!!
— Cindy R.
January 8, 2003
Ok, maybe I have no finesse, but I say kick their butts to the curb! You
are obviously a caring person, or you wouldn't be concerned, so I'm sure
you will make friends who like you no matter what! You are doing a
wonderful thing for your health and peace of mind. You really do need to
think of yourself first, and leave behind all those who would drag you
down, it may be painful at first but in the long run, it will be better for
you!! Congrats on your weight loss!!
BTW- Shania sucks!!! NO talent (just my opinion:)
— A B
January 8, 2003
When I had my Psych Eval the Dr. told me that relationships will change.My
friend asked me about the Eval. I told her the Dr..explained everything and
one of the things he spoke about was relationships. She said - Well you
know you won't be so much fun to be around later. I told her Friendship
isn't based on food. Yeah but you won't be able to eat anything. RED
FLAGS!!!! I wonder what will happen to our friendship - this concerns me -
but I can't remain obese just to please some people. I must get healthy for
ME!!
— Sally P.
January 8, 2003
Your in a transition, your young, and sometimes the people in their 20's
have a little growing to do. It sounds like your freind is a little upset
because maybe you never talked to her about the changes that would be
occuring BEFORE the surgery. If you did. . .they didn't listen and you
can't be blamed for it. People blossom in their own time and this is yours.
The only reson I am writing to you is because I dropped everyone I was
buddies with. They lived a life I grew out of and they weren't willing to
accept me. I can now say I don't drink, smoke, do drugs and have just had
surgery. Im 19 pounds down and I feel good about me. In the end, it's you
that needs to worry about you! Get yourself okay all the way and the rest
just flows naturaly. Goodluck skinny!
— jessica W.
January 8, 2003
geez, is this about Shania now or what? It was just an example of how some
women don't like others because they look good. Too funny.hahahahaha.
— Wendy K.
January 8, 2003
Be patient with your friends and allow them time to adjust and get over
THEIR insecurities. I'm still pre-op and I have a girlfriend that started
in this process before me. Our friendship has different dimensions and
after weight loss those dimensions started to change. For one, she was
able to get clothes out of my closet (32/34) and after surgery it was no
longer the case. We would go to Catherine's and she would make comments
about how she wouldn't buy a size 22/24 becuase next week it wouldn't fit
while I am trying to squeezing into a 32/34. We would go out to eat and I
would just stuff my face (in comparison) and she would take TWO bites of a
salad, literally, and be full. I felt like a pig. However in the end, I
had to come to grips with MY emotions of behind "left behind" and
talk to my friend. I was happy for her with all my heart but at the same
time was sad for myself. We talked it through and now she is one of my
biggest supporters while I go through the process. And I am able to
seperate my emotions and be happy and celebrate with her for each milestone
she crosses (she is about a year and a half post op and lost 200 pounds).
Sorry to be so long winded but just wanted to explain. Hang in there with
your friends and know true friends will still remain when the dust settles.
Vesta
— vesta D.
January 9, 2003
Hi Sunny! People that act like that are not your friends!! Tell them to
take a running leap off of a short pier!! Good luck!
— Dina P.
January 9, 2003
The dynamics of all of your relationships could easily change now. Some
folks that I thought were my friends really weren't, they just liked being
around me because it made them feel better about themselves. They kind of
went away as my value to them decreased. If they are truly your friends,
this will resolve itself. If they are not, then you will find better people
for you to spend your time with.
— Cara F.
January 10, 2003
Your life is changing - weight loss, new boyfriend and now you don't have
time for them (so they might say). Make some time for them during your
week and go to dinner and a movie. How much time did you spend with them
before the surgery happened? Maybe they're feeling a little left out.
Send her a card and let her know that you still want to be friends and get
together. Mend bridges - don't lose the old friends you have.
— dolphins94
January 10, 2003
I have a "friend" that is a part of our support group and only
recently have I found out the competion that she is presenting. She
e-amils to everyone about every little thing in her life. Flaunts her
home, personal life and anything else she can and gives medical advice as
well! Even people that have had the surgery can become jealous and petty.
Our support group has gotten so far off base that it worries me about new
members coming in. The goup has been divided into battle lines...the
click...and the non-clicks... Everyone deals with problems after
surgery...but would we not deal with other without the surgery. I am
learning who my friends really are...you will too.
— Oldsoul
January 30, 2003
Sunny, you know I am glad I checked the library to find that this question
was asked because I was just about to ask the very same question. Some of
my co-workers (I should say some of the people that work in the same
building) used to smile and stop by my office, go to lunch with me and
all...now it's like they ("catty females" who are morbidly and
super morbidly obese) are acting like they truly hate me. The
"green-eyed monster" is definitely showing. Some roll their eyes
at you and make real snide comments. The bottom line is they can look and
feel good just like I feel and look...the decision is up to the individual
in terms of how much they want to live and value their health. I posted
somewhere else that when someone acts like they hate me, it motivates me
even more and I pray for them because I know they are really suffering
silently...
— yourdivaness
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