Question:
Why am I not normal?
This is not really related to wls but I need some advice or just to vent, whichever. My husband informed me last night to not be suprised if he has an extrmarital affair, that he warned me if I did not change and show more affection then he would. Of course I sat there stunned, but not suprised. For the last 9 yrs I have not had a sex drive to speak of. Every now and then the need will be there but it's not something that I think about all the time. I have prayed and prayed to be like I was 12 yrs ago, but it's not happening. I love my husband and I am attracted to him, just nothing there. With all the blood pressure meds I am on, the dr told BOTH of us that it would lower my sex drive quite a bit...well...it's nonexistent right now, but I cannot not take my meds. I am questioning now(along with all the other doubts that I have)whether I should do this surgery or not since now I have to be worried about him "accidently" having an affair. I am just so confused, hurt, I blame myself most of all for this. If I was a better wife then he would not be looking else where. Why can't I be normal? Would having the surgery and losing the weight and getting off all this meds help my sex drive? The surgery was a decision to get my health back, but now it's also to save my marriage. If anyone wants to respond that is fine....just venting. Have no where else to go. Thanks for reading! God bless! — dixieb (posted on December 28, 2002)
December 28, 2002
Many find getting off the meds and loosing weight turns them on. But why
not get the surgery. Theres NO advantage to your present situation, he
could stray either way and after WLS things MAY improve dramatically.
— bob-haller
December 28, 2002
Dottie, What a load of crap your husband is feeding you. Just because you
have no sex drive is not a reason for him to stray. He is just looking for
an excuse. It's true that losing weight and being able to get off some or
all of your BP meds could very well help your sex life, it may also give
you enough self esteem to see this man as he truly is. It is NOT, repeat
NOT, your fault or anything wrong with you. True love is there no matter
what. Don't let him put the burden of his unhappiness on you!
— garw
December 28, 2002
First of all; your husband does not sound very supportive of your
situation. No one just accidently has an affair. What kind of husband would
tell his wife something like that? how painful, and how selfish. Second; if
you have this surgery, you will not have to take high blood pressure meds.
In fact, as you may see by the many profiles here, many people's lives are
saved, and completely changed, because of this surgery.
Finally, It sounds as though you and your husband should consider marriage
counseling. An outside party could help the two of you figure out how to
make matters better again. Good luck.
— twenc
December 28, 2002
Bob's right. And please don't think of yourself as a bad wife. Certainly
there are times when you could engage in some type of sexual activity just
for the sake of your spouse's pleasure. However you should never feel
pressured into anything. During the last few months before my surgery and
quite honestly, the first couple of months post-op, I had no interest in
sex. But I would do something at least once a week whether I was in the
mood or not, just to keep my man happy. And sometimes when you're not in
the mood for sex just the physical closeness feels good and can lift your
mood (you may not get sexual gratification but you feel closer to your
spouse). But even considering all this talk about sex, DON'T consider it
when making your decision to have weight loss surgery. What I mean is, have
the surgery for YOU and for no one else. Have the surgery to improve your
health and the quality of your life. I no longer take meds for high blood
pressure, acid reflux, depression...plus I no longer use a CPAP machine for
sleep apnea. Life is good. You deserve just as much as I do or anyone else
out there! Good Luck - Anna LAP RNY 7/3/02 -100lbs.
— Anna L.
December 28, 2002
Have the surgery and lose the dead weight (no pun intended!) in your
marriage!! After 14 years in a marriage to a selfish, unaffectionate
loser, I learned that life is WAY too short for that crap! Once you've had
your surgery and are getting attention from other men you may just see what
you're missing. Good luck to you.
— thumpiez
December 28, 2002
Hi Dottie - No one accidently has an affair. It must be on his mind already
and/or someone has already seemed attractive to him. I believe that both
parties should do what they need to do to make each other feel loved,
needed and desirable. It doesn't have to be every night but sometimes a
kiss, a hug or doing something special is all someone needs. I'm on High
Blood Pressure medication plus an antidepressant and the combination
doesn't help me feel in need. But darn I'm planning on bringing back those
honeymoon days and get my share soon after my surgery and getting off these
meds. Plus I don't feel desirable being this big - so I know that I will
feel better about myself afterwards too. I agree with the other posters -
get this surgery for you alone and see what happens after your surgery and
getting off the meds. Maybe HE WILL see what he will be missing if he
screws up his life with you. Look to the future - God Bless You. - Sally
— Sally P.
December 28, 2002
I agree with some of the other posts in the fact that your hubby could have
said what he said differently. However, I can see his side in a way. In
my experience with most men and the hubbies and boyfriends of friends of
mine, I have found that most, (not all) directly relate sex to love. They
are very different from women in that respect. And men, a lot of time
don't feel loved if the sex isn't there. I am not a psychologist but this
has been my experience and those of my friends. I know that I didn't have
much of a sex drive pre-op and although I am not clawing at my hubby
everyday, it has definately gotten better since my surgery. I certainly
feel more desireable. And in turn, desire more. I hope that helps in your
decision. GOOD LUCK!
— Laurel C.
December 28, 2002
Honoring your marital vows is is not conditional!!! I am sorry that you are
having such a rough time. Have you considered any type of counseling. I
cannot see how not having surgery would help! If you lose your excess
weight will you be off of the blood pressure meds? It could solve the sex
drive problem.
My real issue is that your husband contemplating an affair is very
dishonorable and hurtful and immature! I would not be able to get by those
hurt feelings very easily just because I got my sex drive back. I mean if
he is going to stray then be a man and get going but don't let him drag you
down with him and then blame YOU for his failure as a husband!!! Ugh!!!
That would be terribly convenient!
I am so sorry that you are feeling this pain, I have been there and will
never go there again! Counseling can help and forgiveness takes a long time
so don't beat yourself up for feeling hurt!!! I am pretty sure that that is
the appropriate reaction!
— Carol S.
December 28, 2002
As a man I think your husband is wrong in threating you with an affair. I
do agree that men equate sex with love in marriage. But that is no excuse.
I have found that my sex drive was low before surgery because of my weight,
medicines and just being tired all the time and in pain. I have now lost
165 lbs and off the meds. and my sex drive has gone through the roof. I
seem to want it all the time. My wife is 10 years younger than me so that
helps. Don't blame yourself but I also think your husband may feel
unloved. That is still no excuse for his actions.. Good luck and God
bless.
— Gary H.
December 28, 2002
hi there :) im so sorry for what you are going through. another poster had
mentioned that for your husband to have mentioned a pending affair that he
may already have someone in mind, i think that could be the case but on the
other hand, i think he may have been just expressing feelings of neglect or
unwanted sexually, i just think he went about it the wrong way. there are
other intimate ways of expressing your love besides sex like another poster
mentioned like hugs kisses kind words, back rubs and alot more. alot of
meds will turn off sex drive so it should be made clear to him that its nit
him personally. once youve had your weight loss surgery, im very positive
that your sex drive will go up for many reasons including , better self
esteem, more energy, and hormones changing. i do hope everything works out
for the both of you :)
— carrie M.
December 28, 2002
Don't blame yourself. If your husband has a problem with you, he should
divorce you and not threaten an affair. That is manipulative. Who
announces that they are GOING to have an affair? Give me a break. Your
husband is wrong and there is no excuse for this.
— susanje
December 28, 2002
Okay, so maybe you should tell your husband to not be surprised if you find
that I leave you if you have an affair. Plain and simple. He has dealt with
it for the last 9 years, whats another year? Thats an insensitive thing to
say, and certainly no reason to go into that operating room. When you make
that choice - make it for yourself.
— K T.
December 28, 2002
Dottie,
Surely by all of these repsonses you will realize how you are NORMAL and
that it is NOT your fault. I have found that because of my excess weight I
made alot of things my fault that were not or made excuses for men in my
life and always judged myself. Lowered self esteem was deeply rooted w/ my
eating problems. I agree w/ the posters and think losing him would be the
easiest weight loss and if YOU WANT the surgery then do it for you. Please
try to LOVE YOURSELF MORE. Good luck and God bless.
Leigh
— Leigh S.
December 28, 2002
Hi Dottie,
I can not believe some of the answers your getting about " dump
the dead weight" or the ones telling you to "leave your
husband".
You did say "you Love your husband" and from what I see, he
Loves you. He's not doing this behind your back and then springing it on
you. He's not hurting you with (Deceit)& going against the trust the
two of you promised to one another.That is the most painful and most
horrable thing one can do to another in a marriage "Breaking the
trust". He is coming to YOU becouse he is hurting, frustrated, and
feels unloved. HELLO?? WAKE UP CALL! He is coming to (YOU), His WIFE. it
doesnt sound like he is going to have an extramarital affair, it sounds
like he wants YOUR affection put your arms around him and TALK. If you Love
your husband the way you say you do WORK through this together.There are
alot of ways.He may only Need to get your understanding of what is going on
with him,He Needs reasurance of your Love. There are so many ways to help
your husband get through this & realy you may find a spark of somthing
you like and need too. fantisize with him and help him or YOU MAY go as far
as to have a "Monazatwa" Just for and about "sex"
remember thats all you are talking about (He Loves you & needs YOU.) he
also NEEDS and is asking YOU for help with SEX he needs and again you may
like it as well or just be suportive to watch be there hold him, BE THERE
FOR HIM, DO this & work through this TOGETHER."If" you realy
do LOVE each other you WILL work through it and both of you should want to
do anything to please the other. Without saying alot more here go and
purchase some Sussan Block sex therapist D.J. recordings. You & Your
husband can listen to them. there wonderful. and for those of you telling
Dottie to "Leave her husband"(after 9 yrs!!!) SHAME ON YOU. Its
easy to say when its not YOUR marriage.You people should buy the Sussan
Block recordings as well. Sex is SEX Love is LOVE together there Wonderful
especialy when married. Dottie Good Luck sweetheart, Now go and let your
husband know you do Love him as I beleave he Loves you and (find ways) to
(HAVE FUN TOGETHER!!!) enjoy life. Arn & Jennifer
— Arnold J.
December 28, 2002
oh geez I can't believe this. What if you'd had been injured and were no
longer able to have sex? Would it then be ok for him to look elsewhere?
I'm sorry but there is NO excuse to have or even threaten to have an
extra-marital affair. The fact that he is telling you indicates he is
either trying to gain control here or is hoping to shock you into doing
something...therapy would be my suggestion - for BOTH of you! Now! I'm
concerned mostly with his request for affection...not sex. I guess he
could have just told you he wanted out, but he didn't. He's asking for
help from you. I really hope you guys seek it together before it's too
late.
— [Deactivated Member]
December 28, 2002
He was very insensitive and wrong to threaten you like that, but it also
sounds like he is at his wit's end and maybe someone has shown some
interest, or his ability to resist temptation is wearing down. I agree with
some of the other posters that you might want to think about taking care of
his needs. What can it hurt? It will only take a few minutes (lol). And
don't give up on yourself, a lot of times you might not feel like it or
think you want it, but once things get started, you will be enjoying
yourself. Sometimes it is the IDEA of having sex that is tiring or
unappealing. Remember the Nike slogan - JUST DO IT!!! I do feel like
intimacy is an important part of the relationship. Good luck and God Bless.
:)
— Sandy T.
December 29, 2002
My husband cheated me 1 1/2 months post op. Unfortunately, I cant type out
everything I want to say to you in this public forum because its limiting
me on the amount of space I have here.... so I will send you an email
directly. If there is anyone else out there who would like to email with
me on this specific subject... I will be more than happy to :).
— Valerie H.
December 29, 2002
I kinda got tired of reading why you should pleasure your husband or why
you should leave him instead so I dont know if anyone really answered your
question of will surgery increase your sex drive. I would say so. Just
losing a little weight so far has improved mine tremendously. Its easier to
move around and Im not nearly as tired. PLUS I feel better about myself.
Which really helps most of all as far as feeling sexy!! Plus the healthier
you get you should be able to eventually stop taking the medication that
causes you to lose your drive too. Good luck to you.
— Marilayne M.
December 29, 2002
Sometimes when we feel unloved by our mates the words come out not the way
we want them to and we say things we wouldn't say otherwise. This may be
the case here - you two need to sit down and talk this over - first by
telling him how those words REALLY hurt you. Second, educate him - probably
again-- on the meds you're taking and what they are doing to you. Then
explain the surgery and how much it will change you - getting off those
meds, increase energy and self esteem. Then try to do little things you let
him know you are thinking of him during the day - little notes in his lunch
box, etc. Then GET that surgery for you and I bet you both will reap the
rewards. If he is a SOB - you'll know it - you'll be thinner, healthier
and can go on with your life. But I wouldn't throw away a marriage without
a fight and do all I can do in the meantime. YOU are very inportant - take
care of yourself - God Bless You.
— Sally P.
December 29, 2002
I am the last person to judge (believe me if I went into all the details of
my marriage we would be here all day!!!) but I have heard the same things
from my soon to be x-husband (I left him 3 months ago). Your husbands
comment has nothing to do with the surgery or your sex drive. Its his way
of trying to controll you. Lets face it even if you had a raging sex drive
your self esteme can't be the greatest. I know I put up with actual affairs
and being told how disgusting I was for years becaus I was convinced I did
not deserve anything better but as soon as I started seriously looking into
the surgery my weight problem was not "that big of an issue" for
him. Well it is for me!!
I want someone who is going to love and respect me no matter what I look
like and you should want the same. I know its hard (I put up with it for 8
years) but you need to do what's best for you. If he can't accept you for
you (heavy or thin, drive or no drive) then mabey you should be the one
leaving him!!
— mlovesh
December 29, 2002
WoW.....there are alot of different angles on this matter....I am sure that
you are more then confused right now with what is going on in your life...I
don't think that just giving up on the marriage is the answer to what you
are experiencing. Love and relationships takes allot of hard work, and
sometimes you need to do what you don't want to, to make them work. Does
your hubby give you affection? and if/when he does do you return it?I see
this surgery as helping you in a couple ways, with the meds and feeling
better about yourself, but having the surgery is your decision and your
decision alone, don't let anyone stop you or change your mind (unless it is
a dr of course). If your husband is unhappy because he is not sexually
gratified, and he cannot understand what is happening with your body and
mind, then having an affair is not the answer he is looking for, because
that will be the ultimate downfall of your relationship. If he feels the
need to cheat(NO ONE CHEATS ACCIDENTALLY and don't let anyone tell you
otherwise) then you shouldn't feel the need to be married to him anymore,
because that is doing more harm to yourself. I understand loving him, and
leaving him isn't the answer....he is may be feeling a wave of emotions
that he doesn't understand, or maybe he can't understand the not wanting to
have sex but still be attracted...some men also have a hard time expressing
how they really feel or they can't express it in terms WE understand. I
agree with some of the other posters...notes in the lunch box to let him
know you care, and cuddling on the couch watching a movie together, let him
know you love him, and talk to someone together... things will hopefully
work out for the best
~~ Hugs ~~
— Michelle M.
December 29, 2002
Firstly, I would say kick his ass to the curb and take HALF. Secondly.. if
you decide to stay with the guy, I know for a fact (personal use) that that
the testosterone patch works wonders. It will kick your sex drive into
high gear. The patch made me break out a little on my face, and I didn't
like that, so I stopped using it. But, when I was, it was like I was a
bunny rabbit.
— Goldilauxx B.
December 29, 2002
Have the surgery! Do what is best for you and your health. I think his
telling you that he is going to have an affiar if things don't change is so
cruel! H eis aware that you are on meds that affect drive plus add your
insecurity about your weight and he should be more understanding. Talk to
him again, explain that post surgery your pressure might retrun to normal
and your meds might be decreased or stopped all together. You will also
feel better about yourself which will in turn increase your sex drive as
well. He needs to understand you can't change overnight! If you truely love
each other he would not have an affair and would wait for you to become
healthier. Hugs to you. Wendy
— Wendy H.
December 30, 2002
Your hubby sounds like a manipulive person who will turn anything into
"it's YOUR fault" not mine. I best stop as I have another word
for what he is. Anyway concerning the sex drive (although why would you
want to have sex with that loser?) there is something that probally will
help. Women sometimes can take testosterone to increase their sex drive.
However it has to be done with a doctors help as to much will change you in
ways you don't want to change! (I know all about testosterone as I've taken
since July 12th, 1989 for gender reassignment). It WILL increase your
drive! However you don't want a lower voice, facial hair and other side
effects. It is my understanding that if it is low enough a dose it will
increase the drive without the other problems. So you need a doctor.
Personally, I'm not surprised your not turned on by him. I don't think any
woman would be, who knew him in a close relationship. I can not stand
manipulative people. I can smell em a mile away. (Hope you have your
surgery and don't let that low life blackmail you). Best of luck to you.
— Danmark
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