Question:
Can anyone give advice (Read Below)?
I am really scared to tell my mom about my surgery. I didn't tell her that I was researching because I knew she would be negative about it. One of my dad's sisters had her stomach stapled like 30 years ago and almost died. My mom is very old fashioned and she doesn't realize that technology improves and that this is a completely different surgery. I wasn't going to tell any of my family until after it was over. Well I told my sister about it because she came to my house the night I went to the support group meeting and was grilling me about why I was in Tulsa and I didn't know what my husband had told her and I didn't want her to catch me in a lie so I told her. Anyway she told me that I needed to tell my mom at least before I went into surgery. So now I am approved and my date is set and I am scared to tell her. She has never been happy for me no matter what I do. She wasn't happy when I married my husband, wasn't overly happy when I told her I was pg with my son. When I told her I was pg in Aug. she said "OH NO" like it was a bad thing. She's always disappointed in me because I am the "bad" one. I am the one that got a tattoo and my toung pierced. She asked my sister once where she went wrong raising me. My mom is planning a vacation to Hawaii with my other sister for Feb 10th-17th and I don't want her to think she has to cancel her trip since I will be having surgery a fews days before. I know she will be negative about this surgery and try to talk me out of it and will tell my other sister and she is the same way as my mom. I mean she called me when I was in labor with my son and yelled at my husband for letting them induce me because of all the bad things that can happen. I get so tired of people meddling in my life and trying to tell me what is best for me. I just don't want to deal with all this drama when I am going to be stressed out enough. Does anyone have any advice they can give me on what to do? Did anyone else not tell family members until after or right before surgery? — Marjorie F. (posted on December 11, 2002)
December 11, 2002
Wow, Marjorie, sorry that you do not have more support. I hope that your
husband is supportive. Here is my advice. Tell her. BUT...do not look to
her for support or even for approval. Just let her know that you are doing
this, and her opinion one way or the other is not going to influence you.
Her support would be nice, but it is not necessary. That is exactly how I
delt with my mother. Actually, that is pretty much how I deal with her with
everything in my life!! So, I can relate. Now, the hard part here is
believeing this yourself. She will probably cry, and make a scene, so
expect it. And she may even use guilt (my mothers favorite), but stick to
what YOU believe in. Good luck. I will be thinking about you.
— Vicki L.
December 11, 2002
Do I ever know how you feel. I had looked at the surgery years ago and when
I told my mother (who also has a moderate weight problem) she chewed me a
new you-know-what and barely spoke to me for months. Anyhow, when I did
decide to do it, I only told my brother who was supportive. I had it done
and then after I wrote my entire family telling them why I did it, that I
know they may not understand why I did it, but I need them to understand
why I made the decision and why I didn't tell them. Anyhow, after that, I
did end up having a complication and returning to the hospital, so I was
glad that I told them. In hindsight, I would have told them and then let
any negativity roll off my back as best I could, because I know I did the
right thing. To this day, even though I am a success (-70 pounds since
July) and have no further problems, my mom is still tight-lipped when I
talk about any aspect of my new tummy. Please feel free to write me for
support! You will do great.
— missmollyk
December 11, 2002
Well, I have the complete opposite advice. Don't tell her if you don't want
the negativity from her. By the time you get out of the hospital, she will
be back from her trip, right? Tell her after that if you want. She sounds
like a very negative, toxic person to be around and you don't need it right
now. Just because she gave you life, doesn't mean she has to know
everything you do and treat you like that. Its your decision on who you
tell and who you don't. You don't HAVE to tell her anything. I personally
told my Mom 2 weeks before surgery since I didn't know what her response
was going to be. She got her little dig in about "I wish you would've
tried another diet or worked a littler harder before doing this". I
pretty much told her she didn't know what she was talking about and that
the decision is final and either she supports me or she doesn't. Well, she
does, thank goodness. YOur just going to have to put down some boundries on
your Mom. The minute she starts with the negative comments, tell her,
"Unless you have some positive input, I'm hanging up" or leave
the room. Time to be firm! You don't have to take it from her, mother or
not!
— Kris T.
December 11, 2002
OMG! I have been there. I was having a hard time finding the strenght to
tell my Dad and Stepmother. Just a little history...I was scheduled to
have it in June of 2002, but they managed to get me to postpone my
surgery.(my father is a retired cop...i think i also confessed to some
murders tooo. LOL) Anyway, when I decided to go ahead with the surgery I
called them...after some deap breathing exercises...and I told them that my
mind was made up. I also told them I appreicated their concerns and that I
did not feel like I was going to die...so they should not feel that way.
Long story long, they did try every thing INCLUDING telling me they were
going to cancel their trip to Hawaii since it was 1 week after the surgery
and if anything went wrong (die thing again)it would be hard for them to
get back. I know as I sit here a 32 year old woman, wife, and mother, I
still want my parents to tell me that I am going to be okay and that they
are behind me. I know that this is not the norm for my family, and it does
not sound like it is for yours either. My advice is to take your time to
tell her. Call her when YOU are ready. This is not a crime...or even a
tattoo (mine did not go over well either). Be strong. This is a decision
that only you can make, and if you are strong enough to make this step you
will be strong enough to handle anything she says. By the way, I met my
husband 16 years ago....and they still aren't real happy with him. : )
Take care and email me if you ever need to talk. : )
— Dawn B.
December 11, 2002
Go Kris! Your advice rocks! Those people who have consistently been
unsupportive will be released from responsibility! Honey, you need to do
what is best for you. If your family or friends are not supportive, they
will be left behind! My mother couldn't say anuthing supportive if it made
her a millionaire!!! I didn't tell her!!!!!!!! Be sure of what you want
surgery-wise, and let the chips (or family) fall where they may.
— Scarlett A.
December 11, 2002
hi, i can totally relate to your problem. I am currently 2 months post op,
23 years old, and live with my parents. I had surgery without either of my
parents knowing i had it. No problem. My mom is extremely old fashioned,
scared, and ignorant about the entire procedure. I had wanted to have it 3
years ago and I told her about it, well she had a nervous breakdown and I
dont think she would have lasted till my surgery date, so I decided against
it at the time. but 3 years later, and after more failed attempts at
diets, i decided I had to do it, and just because my mom couldn't deal with
it didnt mean i wouldn't do it. I didn't tell my mom for her own good, and
it has really worked out perfectly. I had my sisters with me and they
helped me keep it from her (i told her i was with a friend for the week)
My dad found out 3 weeks afterwards by an insurance letter that was sent to
us, but my mom has yet to know!! I've lost 48 lbs and she thinks i'm doing
it from a strict diet!! I think your health and happiness is the most
crucial at this time, so dont let anyone else influence your life. Your
mom does not NEED to know. One thing i did do though was write a letter in
case anything went wrong so they could get an explanation. But I had faith
in God to see me through safely, and He did! Just be strong and do what
you feel is right in your heart. Read my profile if you want a little more
detail LOL good luck and ciao bella :)
— Iris B.
December 11, 2002
Tell the "good" sister your dr. said he wants his patients going
into surgery with positive thoughts, therefore HE strongly suggests you
wait until after surgery to tell the rest of the family.
— j D.
December 11, 2002
I'm 49 years old and I didn't tell my mother. Read my profile. My mother
is very emotional and the couple of times I told her I was researching the
surgery she started crying - just because I was researching. So, then and
there I decided I had to do it without her. It went off without a hitch.
As a matter of fact she didn't find out until I was 4 weeks post-op. I
explained to her that the reason I didn't tell her was because she had so
much going on in her life at the time I didn't think she needed the added
stress. She got over it and asks me lots of questions now. Yes, I wish I
could have told her in advance, but for my own sanity I had to do what was
best for me at the time. That's what you have to think about - what is
best for you - you can deal with her feelings when you are feeling better.
— Margaret G.
December 11, 2002
Hi there, Majorie! I was a black sheep of my family as well. For yrs. my
Mom wouldn't talk to me because I refused to get married and have kids at a
young age, like she did. And while my Mom can be pretty open for the most
part she is also very , very old-fashioned, she doesn't believe women
should have epidurals, that we should take the pain. She believes most
people can lose weight on their own, but if you want a tummy tuck, it's ok.
Weird thinking!! I told her I was having the surgery and she thought I
was referring to a TT, so for months I let her believe it. 2 nights before
surgery, she came to care for my niece and help me out, and she asked where
the surgeon was going to cut me at, I figured perfect time to let her know.
I pulled out the brochure the surgeon gave me, that explains the procedure
and read it to her. She asked why and I patiently explained why, she took
it gracefully and said "Do you really feel you need this kind of
help?" I told her I knew I needed it. I can't have kids because of
my weight and I told her I did want kids,now, I think that was enough
there. She was more proud of me after the 1st 50 lbs. came off. Try your
best to be patient with your Mom or even if your sister is more apt to get
thru to her, have your sister be there, of course to support you! Try to
be reasonable about why you NEED this surgery, how it will help to change
your life for the better. And if you think it'll work out, then do what
the other poster said, tell her when she gets back. Vi open RNY 9/23/02
-79lbs
— Vi F.
December 11, 2002
I agree that you don't need the remarks and aggravation. I'm 43 myself, had
surgery on Nov. 18th, and still haven't told my parents. My mother is a
world championship class worrier. When she worries, she worries me, so my
sister and I both try to stay in the "everything is fine" mode. I
will probably tell everybody at Christmas, since I will still be on
liquids/purees and they will notice anyway. I did e-mail my sister right
before I left for the surgery (I had it out of state) and she has been
supportive. My parents are already not very happy with me because we are
moving from the east coast back to west Texas, but I expect they'll get
over it. I had my gallbladder out 3 years ago, and I told my parents about
2 weeks later! My parents are still way more supportive than my in-laws,
who will probably never be told. I'd suggest that you only tell the people
whose support you can count on, and deal with the others later, when you
are doing better and feeling better, as another poster advised. Susan
— Susan A.
December 11, 2002
Hi Marjorie! I love the idea of writing letters! Even if you give a
letter to your Mom before, after or not at all! It's a great way to be
able to express how you feel without being interupted, questioned or made
to feel bad. It's all about you! This is your decision and from what I
see on this web site, there is alot of support and love HERE! Good Luck!
— Karen H.
December 14, 2002
Wow, from what you have posted, I would advise notto tell her until after
the surgery. She is not supportive in your life. And there is too much
stress involved here. I am 3 months out. I had some support, but nothing
bad like your mothers involvement in your life! Write a letter to her and
all others you need to acknoweldge, this is very healing for us. I made
all aware of how I felt about them before surgery. Just in case I did not
make it through. IAm fine now and have lost 55 so far!!
— Jenny_B
December 14, 2002
I didn't tell my mom until after I had the surgery. My mom is a (healthy)
84 year old, but a world class worrier and I knew she would never
understand. (She weighs 92 lbs and the doc is always after her to gain
weight.) And when she asked why I didn't tell her before, I told her that
I knew she wouldn't understand. That was the end of it. And you know, this
was the hardest part of having surgery. My advice: don't say anything to
anyone unless YOU fell comfortable telling them. If someone else tells
her, so be it. If she approaches you about it, just say, " I don't
care to talk about that." and change the subject.
— koogy
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