Question:
Having problems with my husband
This is hard for me to put in words, but i will try. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and have been married for 3. He is 13 years older than me and at the age of 31 now i'm not happy. Not sure if this is because of the ups and downs due to the surgery or not. He really has not been there for me. I feel like i'm lieing to everyone including myself. I'm the smallest i have been since high school and very happy about that. He does say nice things sometimes about how i look, but it is not enough. I'm at the point where i think that the weight was a bigger issue in regards to hold on to him. But now that the weight is coming off i'm thinking i deserve something more and better. Is this normal has this happened to anyone else. Thanks everyone.Sarah — sarah C. (posted on October 30, 2002)
October 30, 2002
its more likely he dont know what to say. he loved you when you we fat how
would losing weight make him love you more.
if you hold on things will turn around.
— Delores (DeeDee) Torgerson
October 30, 2002
As my surgon puts it...."After the weight comes off women THINK they
are Miss America" I think he is right. You have found a slimmer,
trimmer you and think their is someone else better out there. Just
remember the grass ISN'T always greener on the other side. I think your
feelings are from the weight loss. Give it some time and concintrate on
your marrage and not about the green grass over the hills.(there NOT that
green). Good luck.
— sandy W.
October 30, 2002
Hi... It is said that when you have a major life change, wait one year
before making any drastic decisions. A lot of what you are feeling do stem
from losing the weight, seeing a new and improved you and no longer wishing
to "settle" on anything regardless of whether you have settled or
not. I am 6 months post op and down 85# and I'm just beginning to be able
to see the changes in me. Many issues brought me at age 52 to overweight
and I'm using this time to discover those. I began counseling 3 wks ago
and it is the best thing I have ever done for me. I too have issues in my
marriage but have made a commitment to myself to remain there and work on
issues in my life while working to change what I can and accept what I
can't. When I emerge then I will have time to look back at everything and
if I feel then that it truly is not working, then I'll address that then.
Divorce stats for those of us undergoing surgery is high and I suspect many
regret moving to the greener pastures too soon. I would urge you too to
plan a quiet time for you and your husband to just sit and talk, no
children, no tv, no distraction, maybe just curling up together with some
soft music and candles and truly talk about what you are feeling and also
what he is feeling. Chances are he has a huge fear of losing you. I hope
you consider counseling and just taking your time with any decisions. My
best to you.
— AJC750
October 30, 2002
We just talked about this at support group. They said that some people
ended up "settling" when they get married. For those people, the
divorce rate tends to be higher, because self-esteem was an issue when the
marriage took place, but as you become more confident, you may start
dealing with them feelings. Make sense? Before you make any drastic
changes in your life style, talk, talk and talk some more. Let him know
how you feel. When you were heavier, you probably didn't NEED compliments.
First you must let him know what you feel. Try as they might, most men
just don't know what we want unless we TELL them. And most of us women
assume they know what we want....wait a minute this sounds like some sort
of an Oprah Winfrey segment. I really wish you all the luck in the world,
just don't make any rash decisions without him knowing where you stand.
Thirteen years is a long time, give it your all before it ends.
— Dana B.
October 30, 2002
I still havent had my surgery,still waitting on a approval from the
insurance but i have already made up my mind that when this is all over i
will be leaving my boyfriend of 4 years.he is very mean and controling over
me,he does not want me to have this surgery at all.he said he would leave
me if i have it done.....he is scarred because he knows what he has caused.
— nicole K.
October 30, 2002
It hasn't happened to me but it would have. I was in a relationship for 8
years and it ended partly because of my decision to have WLS. I knew I'd
be feeling the same way if I stuck with him. I started out at a top weight
of 339lbs and am now at 186lbs. I agree with what one of the poster
surgeon say about women thinkg they are Miss America after WLS and why
shouldn't we? I go out on anywhere from 3 to 4 dates a week and it just
seems like noone is good enough for me. I pick out all the bad in every
man I date. I'm 23 years old and I'm going through an awful time. I've
been seeing a guy for 3 months now and he's crazy in love with me, would do
anything for me but I just don't feel the same way because I feel I can do
better. I'm meeting and flirting with other men. I can't control myself.
I know it sounds crazy but losing weight has completely changed me and not
all for the good. Think things over. Men are going to approach you and
make advances at you. If you need to end it before you hurt him and
yourself.
— Angie B.
October 30, 2002
I had to respond to this because this is more common than people think.
When we have had this surgery, having lost the weight, we also lose who we
once were...we gain new confidence in ourselves. Also, the dynamics of our
relationships change because we don't have that weight to do whatever it
was doing for us. For me, I used it to keep other's away. Now I cannot do
that. It is not uncommon for marriages and relationships to change just as
our weight and appearances are changing. However, If you really care about
your husband, if he treats you well, makes you feel good about yourself,and
you have fun together than it may be worth your time to work on the
relationship, as though it were new again, and find a position in which you
can both be happy together. Imagine what your life will be like without
him. Does it make you happy? or sad? if it makes you happy to think of
being out of the relationship, than I would definatley think about why you
feel you want to get out of it, because there must have been a reason you
have stuck with him this long......Good luck.
— twenc
October 30, 2002
No one should stay w/ someone who is mean or controlling... but aside from
that, here are my two cents: My husband, bless his heart, loved me to
death when I weighed over 300 pounds. Now that I'm (relatively) thin, lots
of guys fall all over me, but WHO CARES? They are no doubt the same ones
who would never have given me the time of day a year ago. They wouldn't
have seen past the weight to who I was as a person. They were probably the
same ones that didn't feel I was WORTHY to talk to, or hold the door open
for, or carry my bags for. NOW, all of a sudden, I'm good enough??? It
ticks me off to no end how much attention I get sometimes, even from my old
friends who are guys. For me, it's "settling" to have someone in
your life who would only love you thin. I know I have someone who loves me
for ME, fat or thin, and I'm thrilled for him that he can be proud of how I
look. I would never trade him!!
— mom2jtx3
October 30, 2002
Firet I do think you are normal, normal for a post op WLS person. Still-
you have to ask yourself why were you happy with him before? What made you
fall in love with this man and commit to a lifetime of marriage with him?
Why is this suddenly all out the window? I do feel that once we change, we
wonder why everyone else hasn't. Your husband perhaps is still just being
your husband- and should be commended for standing by you through surgery.
Does he know you want more? Do you tell him? Do you ever consider that he
could be scared of the new you? Men are not mind readers. I feel you are
ready for therapy. First and formost, for yourself. Second- for you both
together. You cannot just cut him lose without a chance to meet you
halfway, or at least KNOW that you are unhappy. I felt myself wanting to
feel really free after surgery; I went out a lot, partied and had many
oppurtunities to cheat. I am glad I did not make any hasty decisions (I in
fact blame this on all my hormonal changes due to surgery- I had very high
sexual urges that have since faded nicely back into normal levels) Once I
settled down, and came back down to earth- I found my husband still waiting
for me. I couldn't be luckier for that. I am not trying to brag on the
man, he is still just a man (and doesn't know how to operate a washing
machine or pick up his clothes)! Still, we get along as long as we
communicate until we are blue in the face.... if we stopped communicating,
all would be lost.
— Karen R.
October 30, 2002
Ummm, i'm 1 month post op and i currently have a boyfriend that i'd like to
keep. However, if it doesn't work out, I plan on going out all the time
and meeting those men who won't give me a second look now, and really show
them how bitchy i can be!! i'd love to go out with those guys, make them
fall for me, and then screw them over :) That sounds fun, they deserve
it!! Also, to the ugly chicks who are skinny and think they're better
than me, I will make it a POINT to go for anyone they're eyeing, just to
get them back :) pent up hostility?? naaah, you don't say!! :)
— Iris B.
October 30, 2002
Sarah- I feel for you, Sweetheart. Was hubby supportive before your
surgery? Or has this been just since your weight loss? Your spouse should
be THE most supportive person in your life. Your changing appearance and
confident attitude could be scarey to him. But you know him better than
anyone. You know what you need. I can honestly say that it would devistate
me if my husband wasn't making a big deal about my weight loss only because
he KNOWS that I need it! As for divorce, think long and hard before you
jump the gun. My theory is if you are unhappy in a relationship and you
just don't have that connection anymore, then move on- especially if there
are no children involved. Life is too short to stay with someone you are
miserable with. BUT, if this is soley about his reaction to your weight
loss, then talk with him about it. Don't break up an otherwise good
relationship over something that could probably be worked out if you both
want it to be.....*huge hugs*
— karmiausnic
October 30, 2002
Ok, I am responding before I read the responses....because I dont want what
I say to be swayed. This is VERY common. I have been married for 10
years, and during the losing phase of my surgery, we had 'issues'. What
you are going thru is life changing not only for you, but for your entire
family. Arguments are not always because of surgry or whatever it is you
are arguing about....but simply because so much change is going on. Before
I got married someone gave me a piece of advice that has really helped.
---you will fall in and out of love with this person over and over again
for the rest of your life. Alot of people call it quits the first time
they realize that they have fallen 'out' of love. Some stick it out and
realize that it was there the whole time.--- When I got married it was for
life...my husband was of the same opinion. And we decided that if things
got bad or ugly that we would work on that when the time came. Well, the
time came and he was reluctant, but we did seek help. It was the best
thing we could have ever done. Just to have a third party oversee the
conversations was very helpful. You are becoming a 'new' person.
Developing new ideas and gaining more confidence. This alone is enough to
rock a marriage a bit. Throw in some unresolved issues and you have a
problem. I just want to say, before you decide to throw in the towel, look
for some help from a counseler or non-partial relative or someone from your
curch if you go. It can make a world of difference. You are not alone.
— RebeccaP
October 30, 2002
I have been married for ten years, and my husband loved me fat and he loves
me thin...but we have had some issues over the years...he is a recovering
alcoholic (7 years sober AMEN!). And we have a child who has really given
us a run for our money with problems, it is his daughter from his first
marriage and the conflicts that she has caused in our family have been
difficult and deep running. Since my weight loss I have refused to be a
doormat anymore, and I am much more verbal in expressing my
"displeasure" on the way I am being treated...and when I said
that I wanted to "leave", my husband's first response was
"oh yeah, now that you're thin, you think you're all that and you're
going to leave." That pretty much summed up his fears in one
sentence. My point is that you need to truly evaluate how you are feeling
and why...a sad statistic is that many relationships don't survive WLS,
because we do gain self-esteem--and it is difficult. Just think long and
hard before you do anything. Take care and Have a Sparkling Day!!
~CAE~
— Mustang
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