Question:
What are the positive and negative changes in ur marriage after the surgery?
I don't know where to start. I am hoping to have this surgery soon. Besides the worry of what bad could happen with the surgery and afterwards...I am also worried about what will happen to my marriage. Right now me and my husband are not getting along. I mean, we love each other, but just the pressure of finances, responsibilites...etc..etc...life in general...I am sooo afraid that after I have my surgery...this will be worse. Sometimes I feel like he does not think much of me....he has said on some occasions that..in a round about way...he saved me from myself when we met and that I was lucky that he fell in love with me...to which, I take it as I could not get anyone else. Maybe I am being too sensitive. He puts so much effort into other things that he enjoys doing yet, he rarely plans anything for me and him to do together..to spend time together. The only time, I feel, like he thinks about me is when he wants to be intimate. I am on alot of medications that affects my sex drive and I really could care less whether it happens or not, even though I love my husband and find him attractive. I have always been told if I lost weight, I would be more beautiful and I am not used to the attention that would come with being thin and attractive. So instead of my continuous rambling..I guess my question is....did anyone's sex drive come back and did ur marriages become stronger or fail? We both are Christians and I truly believe in doing everything to make a marriage work. We have 3 beautiful children and it just makes me hurt all over to think of us being a separated family. My world would end if that happened. What can I do to ensure that this does not happen? — dixieb (posted on October 1, 2002)
October 1, 2002
In my own opinion I think that WLS strengthens great marriages and in the
bad marriages I think it helps either one or both partners to "see the
light" and move on. Good Luck and God Bless!
— DRutherford
October 1, 2002
I have always thought that my husband and I had the ideal marriage, but I
also had a nagging feeling that he had somehow been cheated by having a
wife who was large and hardly what you could call stunning. We had decided
that he would go back to work the next day after my surgery and finish out
the week. That way I would have him home when I came home from the
hospital. This meant that he would have to return to our home in So. Calif
while I stayed in the Central Valley and we would not see each other for
six days. So to remind him how I felt about him I left notes in all his
work shirts and work pants telling him why I felt I was blessed to have him
in my life. When he came into the room where I was recuperating on the
first day of seeing each other again, he knelt down took me in his arms and
told me I was his reason for living. He told me that I was the most
beautiful site he had seen in days and just how much he loved me and missed
me. You see, he never felt cheated by not having a trophy wife, on the
contrary he told me it was he who was blessed. Sometimes we need to take a
step back and look at what we have to realize what we have. Sex does not
make a marriage, Love does. You will be alright too.
— Sue A.
October 1, 2002
Since my surgery, I look better and feel better. This has affected my
mood. My husband seems to worry more about me more these days, he touches
me more, I'm just more attractive. He's loved me through 36 years of
marriage and we've had our ups and downs. But I would say that he seems to
value me more.
But, imho, there's no way you can insure that a marriage will stay
together, regardless of the size of one of the partners. My guess is that
your self esteem may increase and as you feel better about yourself, it
will impact your husband in some way. He will either become insecure or he
will enjoy his healthier and happier (I hope) wife and things will be
better. However, if his behavior doesn't change, you may feel differently
about it yourself. So there's no telling what your individual outcome will
be. But I wish you the very best. I'm sure you'll be glad you had it - I
certainly am.
— Linda V.
October 1, 2002
There are no guarantees in relationships, but I sincerely believe
experiences such as life-changing surgery will make strong marriages better
and bad marriages go the other way. For me, my marriage was always very
strong and it just keeps getting better. I'm 7 weeks post-op and have lost
45 pounds since my surgery on 8/15 and I had lost another 41 pounds on my
own since January when I had my first consultation with the surgeon. My
hubby took 2 weeks off after my surgery and walked with me every day,
helped me get my protein drinks together every day, told me how beautiful
he though I was. I'll never forget when he walked in my hospital room
after the surgery, he brought me a little bear that had "I Love
You" on it's t-shirt so I would have a bear to watch over me when he
had gone home for the night. I can't imagine life without him. He's a
beautiful, beautiful soul and I feel so blessed to have him in my life and
I thank God for him every day. He keeps telling me he loved me before I
lost any weight and he'd love me after, too. What more could I ask for?
Good marriage takes work and committment to keep it working. So pitch in
and make it work for you too. Sounds like you have lots to be thankful
for.
— Cathy S.
October 1, 2002
There is a saying that I have heard about WLS and marriage. It makes a
good marriage better and a bad marriage worse. I believe this is true. I
will say this, I don't advocate a marriage breaking up, especially when
kids are involved, but a bad marriage can be just as damaging. You deserve
someone who loves you for you. When the time comes, you will know what is
right for you.
— Kathy S.
October 2, 2002
I feel everything your saying. Now I am 6 months post op. Before surgery
my husband sounded just like yours. He would work on some things but he
would not put his all into it. My husband is into music production. He
always told me he didn't want me to come to his performances he reason was
he wanted to make business separate from homelife. Well surprise surprise,
this weekend he asked me to come to Detroit with him. At first I was
offended but then I thought about during christmas last years I didn't want
him to come to my companies christmas party because he wore braids and I
was embarrassed by his thuggish looks. So I can understand why. But we
are both working on our issues and we are getting along better these days,
with the help of Celexa I don't my severe moods swings and I no longer want
to kill him. Best of Luck. God Bless you in your journey.
— Chris9672
October 2, 2002
You're so lucky he loves you? Is that what he said? Wow sounds like he
needs you to feel like he's the best you can get. He sounds a little
insecure. Once you start losing the weight and he sees the way other men
look at you this may get worse as he may get more insecure. On the other
hand he may realize he's the lucky one and turn his act around. Either way
you shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't realize how lucky they are to
have you. You can't keep your kids happy if you're not happy.
— tinkerbellsw
October 2, 2002
I know some people will disagree with my statement that a good marriage and
a good sex life CAN be two different things. My husband and I have a great
marriage. We have survived the death of our 3 year old son, the birth of
twins, and 2 other terrific kids. We are an incredible team when it comes
to daily functioning. We both see the needs and just do what is necessary.
I don't have to ask him to change a diaper, fix a meal, load the dishes,
etc... In our family there is a lot of laughter and fun. We are great
travel companions and our interests are very similar. I thoroughly enjoy
watching football, or other sports (I better since I have 4 boys!!).
However, our sex life stinks!! Always has. When I was fat, I would really
take this personally. I internalized his lack of interest/initiation as my
fault. There was something wrong with me and he did not find me attractive.
(The fact that he never told me he did, didn't help either!). Now that I am
a size 6 and weigh anywhere between 118-120, not much has changed. He is
just not that interested in sex. So, instead of resenting his lack of
interest when I was fat, I understand that maybe it wasn't about ME
afterall. Maybe, he just has a low sex drive. We are not physically
intimate very often, but I find with the other areas of our lives, we are
very intimate. I have not had a strong sex drive for years either, so we
make a good pair! I would be lying however, if I said that I didn't
sometimes miss that physical closeness. I do. He's also way too busy with
our children and our lifestyle to be having an affair. My husband is a
great provider, friend, father and companion.
What more could I ask for?
— Shelley.
October 2, 2002
Hi Dottie...I saw your question and 2 months ago I would have told you not
to worry...that if he loves you he'll always love you. Now, 2 months post
op...my husband of 18 years left me. Said he figured I would kick him to
the curb when I was thin so he beat me to it. My heart is broken...life is
getting better but at what expense? If I had known he'd leave me I would
still have had the surgery..but I would have done counceling first. Good
luck, and remember to talk to one another...this could be the best thing
for both of you!
— sanicola
October 2, 2002
I definetely want sex a lot more now. I have sooo much more confidence. I
am 4 1/2 months post op down 92 pounds. I have gone from a size 24 to a
size 8. Sex is a lot better without a 100 pound blanket of fat between
you. I can even fit into everything at Victorias Secret and look good in
it. My husband and I have been having a great time with my new self.
— Linda A.
October 2, 2002
I am now 13 months postop and my husband and I had our problems before
sugery and they have only escalated since. We not only argue about the
same things as before surgery, but I am now constantly accused of cheating!
Before losing weight I was always embarassed to go out with friends to
dinner, a movie or drinks and now I no longer have that problem. Before
losing weight, he always encouraged me to go with them, which I always made
an excuse not to and now that I have the confidence in myself he can't
stand it. I am accused of everything under the sun. Believe me, if it
weren't for us having a seven year old son together, I would be out of
here! Although, all of my friends are married as well, he now believes
that it is just horrible of us to go out without our husbands (maybe twice
a month). I really hope that you do not experience the same problems that
I have. Best of luck to you!
— Julie B.
October 2, 2002
If your man only wants to be nice when he wants sex, then he's not the one
for you. My marriage is awful (2 years this November) and I am trying
desperately to get enough money together to live on my own and continue
with college so I can divorce him. Surgery saved my life, but it didn't
help my marriage. My parents are divorced and let me just say as much as I
got shipped back and forth as a child, it was worth it...why would you want
to raise your children in an environment where the parents aren't happy
together? Kids pick up on that sort of thing and they sometimes think it's
their fault. I do hope you stay together, but do it because you love each
other, not for "the kids".
— Paula Prichard
October 2, 2002
I'm not married, but the changes in my body did give me the confidence to
admit to the man I like that I do in fact adore him quite a lot.
— Gremlin Q.
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