Question:
My husband won't help...
He has already said he won't wipe my behind, and sort of makes jokes and says he's just kidding. I know he won't help with other chores. He does not do anything now. When I was pregnant he got a job out of town and only came home on the weekends. I love him very much, and I would do it for him. Anyway the point is I have a 2 year old and I wonder how others have coped. I am about 350lbs now and doing open RNY the 18th of July. I don't want to have to depend on my other family. Does anyone have suggestions? Is there a way to get him to understand? Any advise or suggestions would be great. Thanx. — MF (posted on July 11, 2002)
July 11, 2002
Hi, I'm sorry to say you may not be the only one with a husband who doesn't
realize you will need help.
Is there not anyone in the family that could keep your child for a couple
od days. If so I would get what little food you can have before surgery.
Then after just heat your soup, or eat cottage cheese etc and not worry
about hubby. If he wants something different he will have to eat out or
take care of his self. You will be sore but can probably make it by your
self. Just have your laundry all done and your stuff organized before
surgery and don't worry about nyone but yourself. Shame he doesn't realize.
Just do what you can. Maybe your surgeon could talk to him. Good Luck
— Sandy B.
July 11, 2002
Michelle, I also have a two year old and six year old. For at least the
first week your gonna need help from someone with your child. I am three
weeks post from open and I still cant pick my son up for three more weeks.
I know I couldn't have done it with out my mom's help that first week. Just
getting up was a challenge much less quick if my little one was getting
into trouble.(he's a troublemaker)
I hope your hubby will come around for you and realize you are doing this
to be a healthier person and mom. Best of luck.
— Adriane T.
July 11, 2002
I have two kids and just had surgery on 7/5. My husband works
long hours and I don't have family in the area. I was able to
cook ahead for he & the kids by using a book called, "Once a
Month
Cooking". So, I have well over 30 meals frozen in my freezer
so that I didn't worry about preparing meals for my kiddos.
I also hired a teenage babysitter to come every day from
8am-5pm for the first two weeks to watch the kids. And believe
me, I do not know what I would have done without them this
past week!!!! I also hired someone to come and clean my
house for the next two months so that I would be able to use
the energy that I do have on caring for the kids. I arranged
all of these things without my husband and just presented
him with the list of who I hired and for how much,etc.... He
was relieved and appreciative. Best of luck with your process,
Heather
— Heather N.
July 11, 2002
Hi. I know you are worried. I think you should check with your insurance
company. Some have a deal where they send a nurse to help you the first
week home. If all else fails, when I had back surgery and two toddlers and
we would go hungry if my husband missed work I closed off all but one room.
I made lots of treats before hand and stored them in a cooler beside me.
I laid on the couch while the kids played around me. When they got hungry
between us we managed to get a snack or sandwhich from the cooler and a
juice box. Little kids can be really helpful if you walk them through it.
We even kept the potty chair in the living room for my oldest. Throw away
plates and paper towels. I know it doesn't sound like fun, but make a
camping trip out of it. It's not for long. As for your husband, I
wouldn't argue about it, I just wouldn't do anything except care for me and
the baby. Also, you might check with some neighbors who may take him for a
play date once a day, you can repay the favor when you are well. Good
luck. Hope this doesn't sound dumb to you..I did it, and it worked.
Pam German
— Pam G.
July 11, 2002
Oh bless your heart, I know what u must be going through. Even though my
hubby says he will help me we still get in some heated discussions about
this surgery like, with the proper exercises you could probably lose the
weight, BLAH BLAH BLAH, I am like, "I am over 450lbs dear, I could die
tomorrow"!! But he is kinda like your husband making jokes at wiping
the rear etc. The advice all these women have given are good. Make sure you
have all your food ready and waiting on you when you get home. The camping
thing sounded good. Keep everything near by. Get the tongs and wipe the ole
bottom, something I am gonna get, and just concentrate on getting well. You
will be in my prayers and I wish you nothing but the best! May your
guardian angel watch over you always!
— Donna O.
July 11, 2002
I didn't have a problem with my DH helping me, but his problem was that he
was scared of the side effects of the surgery, meaning he didn't know how
I'd do with the "assault" on my body (so to speak), and now he's
worried that when I lose the weight, I'll leave him (there is a high
incidence of this happening). Everybody's different, I know, and it's hard
to generalize from one man to another, but perhaps your husband is scared,
too. Sounds like he might have been during your pregnancy. Check it out
with him. Being scared is a unmanly thing to admit for some guys, so it
may take some probing. Have you got psych support thru your program for
surgery? If so, you might see if you can access a trained, 3rd person to
help you guys sort this out.
My heart goes out to you. It's hard to be there alone. E-mail if
you'd like. At least I can listen and encourage. Good luck!
— Loretta E.
July 12, 2002
You have to think of yourself right now. Ask your family for help. If
your family can take your son for a few days until you can get back on your
feet, then do it. Your husband has already said he won't help, so don't be
dependent on him. You will need all your strength to get you up and going
again. Before you go to the hospital, be sure to have all your grocery
shopping done so that you won't have to get up and out. Good luck!
— dolphins94
July 12, 2002
Sounds like you have two toddlers. He also seems to be a selfish person
and I wouldn't even want someone around me that was unsympathetic or just
another hassle. From past surgical expiriences I found out that my husband
is not the best caretaker, but he will care for me and our home, just not
the way I would do things. I found this an annoyance, especially while on
drugs... and depressed. When I knew I was getting this surgery, I made
arrangements to stay half of one week with my sister, the other with my
best friend (both worked during the day). When I was well enough- I went
home. But I had LAP, and I was well on my way to normalcy after two weeks
(just needed husband to drive me to check-ups). I also had all my ducks in
a row (food, instructions etc.) When I needed my gallbladder out, I had my
Mom come for 1 night (with an option for more!) to make sure I could do
everything on my own. In most situations in my life, I do not rely on
others FOR ANYTHING. As, I always end up disappointed. Maybe that theory
is a bit screwed (my own problem) but I am tired of disappointment and
finally realized, if I want it done right, I must do it myself. There is
no way for another to understand how you feel and what you expect unless
you lay it on the line for him. If he refuses - what can you do? You will
have to rely on yourself. But remember this expirience, if you cannot rely
on him for this important; WHAT exactly can you rely on him for?
— Karen R.
July 12, 2002
Hi! Let YOUR HEALTH be your PRIMARY concern because you want to be around
to love and nourish your children and to have a long, HEALTHIER and happier
life. Now I'm not saying to ignore your husband, but if he TRULY loves you,
he'll do whatever it takes to assist you. He too, will reap great benefits
if he does. I agree totally with Karen, Pam and others and for YOUR sake, I
hope he eventually comes around and not tease about what he won't wipe I'm
sure if the shoe wass on the other foot, you would be there for him. Keep
your chin up, girlfriend!
— yourdivaness
July 12, 2002
I don't want to seem to brag or make you feel worse. I just have such an
urge to share how special my hubby is. I asked him about these sorts of
questions and he said he would do those things if I needed it.....wiping,
bathing, shampoo my hair. I am a very private person and I'd probably bust
my stitches before I asked someone else to help me with such personal
stuff, especially if I was sore and tired etc.
I love my hubby so much and I am so totally grateful to have him.
I looked up a product called the "bottom-buddy" on a health care
products website. It looks like a great thing for helping out in that
department. Maybe it would be worth the investment (it's about $40), if it
helps save your dignity.
Have you thought about going on a semi-strike for a day or two re your man
and the lack of help? Try not cooking, or not rushing to clean up after the
little one and so on. Let the mess pile up and when he complains, tell him
it wouldn't hurt him to pitch in and help. A home is where two people live.
And your child is a joint responsibility. He has to do his share too, or he
just becomes a "boarder".!! Just my humble opinion.
Best of good wishes and prayers for your surgery and recovery!
— Katie E.
July 12, 2002
I never had to have help wiping my behind and maybe you won't either. IF
you look in the library section you will see commnts from others who has
rigged up long-handled spoons if they needed it to help with hygiene. It
seems others have responded lengthily to your husband issues, but I want to
wish you the absolute best!I hope you grow more and more self-sufficient
and love yourself enough to know what is the best situation for YOU! This
is a wonderful opportunity for you!
— Molly S.
July 12, 2002
Hi Michelle - your email made me sad...then it went from sad into mad but
I'm going to try and keep my tongue held so I don't get land-bashed by
other readers for stating what I really think. To put it nicely as
possible - If I were in your shoes, I would believe myself to deserve more.
I DID need help wiping my behind and doing other things around the house -
I didn't want my husband to have to help out but I didn't have a choice
& he did so without a complaint in the world. I insisted on sanitary
gloves and he told me how I shouldn't even think twice about those types of
things - he's my husband/soul mate afterall, he would say. Stitches &
drains left in for 10-days after surgery left it a little difficult for me
to turn & do things like that. I wouldn't be with my husband if he
didn't treat me like the person I deserve to be treated like. I have a
great ability to love and to give of myself but I wouldn't settle, from my
partner, of anything less. At my highest weight (357) to my lightest
weight - it doesn't make the person who I truly am. He'll be all over you,
more than likely, when you get down to the size he will see as incredibly
sexy & whatnot - then the questions within you will start "where
was he when I REALLY needed him". It's a weird ordeal and hang on for
the emotional roller coaster of a lifetime - you'll be amazed how your
inside feelings can change as you start blossoming from that caterpillar
into a beautiful butterfly...I wish you the best of luck & blessings.
— Lisa J.
July 12, 2002
My (live-in) boyfriend, who isn't very helpful around the house, told me
before my surgery that he wouldn't wipe my butt and I hoped he was joking.
It turns out that he was the best caretaker I could have had. He was so
helpful (talk about doing a 180!), getting me things when I couldn't get
up, listening to me cry "what did I do to myself?!", rubbing my
back when it hurt after the hospital bed, bringing me more water, etc. I
was wonderfully surprised. I think sometimes men's way of coping with
something stressful is to be flippant but you will know the truth when you
need help the most. I pray that it turns out the way you need. HUGS &
good luck. [p.s. I agree with having the groceries bought and some easy
things for you to make. Also, buy a jumbo pack of t.p. so you don't run
out and need to go to the store!] ;o)
— Jennifer A.
July 12, 2002
My story~ It wasn't as much that my live-in boyfriend wouldn't, but that I
didn't want him too. Trust me, he gave me anal injections when I had a bad
bout with hemmriods. I was mortified by that. So as surgery approached I
got a pair of BBQ tongs and some of the "wet" toliet paper. I
got very clean and felt fresh too. I had no problem at all. But I
recommend that you use a few pieces of toliet paper. Once I didn't and the
scratches did feel good, lol. Also something that I learned we to get
something like FDS Body Spray. I got the powder scent and it also help
make me feel fresh and clean. Good luck to what ever you decide on. I
think it is all trial and error until we find what works for us.
~Smiles~
Candi
— Candi B.
July 13, 2002
Michelle, you're going to be fine. If you've been on this web site for
very long, you know where there's a will there's a way. If you, like me,
can cary 350 lbs. around day in and day out, you're so much stronger than
you think. Take it easy, be prepared, ask for help with the little on,
most Grandparent, Aunts, etc. would love to have a day or two with their
grandchild, niece, nephew. Hubby will come around in fifty pounds or so,
just wait and see. You're going to do great! Laura
— Laura R.
July 13, 2002
No one can predict how your husband will react to your surgery. I can sing
the praises to the high heavens about my own, but truth said, after a
failed VBG, he was NOT enthusiastic about me having a revision. Now he
sees that I have changed as much as the procedure has, and he is as
enthusiastic about it as me! I didn't find this site until 1 week post-op.
I had no idea that other people had "wiping problems". At one
point I was on the pot, there were two nurses in the bathroom or just
outside it with my husband. He said, "is there anything I can do to
help?" and I snapped, "unless you can wipe my ass, there is
nothing you can do!" At which point the snickering nurses left and my
husband got the hose on the back of the toilet and hosed me down. I never
considered asking him to wipe my butt. He has since done far more
disgusting things -- packing incisions, for example -- so I know he would.
But knowing ahead of time that tongs will eliminate the need for this
involvement, maybe you don't need to dwell on that one task. Really,
though, my husband and I went from an agreement that he would hang out to
make sure I made it into recovery, but then would work by day, hang with
kids (6, 4, 2) by night, until I was ready to come home. Instead, he
stayed with me (awake) the first night, with wet wash clothes and mouth
swabs, until 6 am, when he went home to shower and go to work. He was with
me every evening after that, and worked harder at my recovery than I did, I
think. Don't get hung up on the unknown. And be considerate of the fact
that some people cannot fathom wiping another person's butt.
— Karen F.
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