Question:
My husband won't help...

He has already said he won't wipe my behind, and sort of makes jokes and says he's just kidding. I know he won't help with other chores. He does not do anything now. When I was pregnant he got a job out of town and only came home on the weekends. I love him very much, and I would do it for him. Anyway the point is I have a 2 year old and I wonder how others have coped. I am about 350lbs now and doing open RNY the 18th of July. I don't want to have to depend on my other family. Does anyone have suggestions? Is there a way to get him to understand? Any advise or suggestions would be great. Thanx.    — MF (posted on July 11, 2002)


July 11, 2002
Hi, I'm sorry to say you may not be the only one with a husband who doesn't realize you will need help. Is there not anyone in the family that could keep your child for a couple od days. If so I would get what little food you can have before surgery. Then after just heat your soup, or eat cottage cheese etc and not worry about hubby. If he wants something different he will have to eat out or take care of his self. You will be sore but can probably make it by your self. Just have your laundry all done and your stuff organized before surgery and don't worry about nyone but yourself. Shame he doesn't realize. Just do what you can. Maybe your surgeon could talk to him. Good Luck
   — Sandy B.

July 11, 2002
Michelle, I also have a two year old and six year old. For at least the first week your gonna need help from someone with your child. I am three weeks post from open and I still cant pick my son up for three more weeks. I know I couldn't have done it with out my mom's help that first week. Just getting up was a challenge much less quick if my little one was getting into trouble.(he's a troublemaker) I hope your hubby will come around for you and realize you are doing this to be a healthier person and mom. Best of luck.
   — Adriane T.

July 11, 2002
I have two kids and just had surgery on 7/5. My husband works long hours and I don't have family in the area. I was able to cook ahead for he & the kids by using a book called, "Once a Month Cooking". So, I have well over 30 meals frozen in my freezer so that I didn't worry about preparing meals for my kiddos. I also hired a teenage babysitter to come every day from 8am-5pm for the first two weeks to watch the kids. And believe me, I do not know what I would have done without them this past week!!!! I also hired someone to come and clean my house for the next two months so that I would be able to use the energy that I do have on caring for the kids. I arranged all of these things without my husband and just presented him with the list of who I hired and for how much,etc.... He was relieved and appreciative. Best of luck with your process, Heather
   — Heather N.

July 11, 2002
Hi. I know you are worried. I think you should check with your insurance company. Some have a deal where they send a nurse to help you the first week home. If all else fails, when I had back surgery and two toddlers and we would go hungry if my husband missed work I closed off all but one room. I made lots of treats before hand and stored them in a cooler beside me. I laid on the couch while the kids played around me. When they got hungry between us we managed to get a snack or sandwhich from the cooler and a juice box. Little kids can be really helpful if you walk them through it. We even kept the potty chair in the living room for my oldest. Throw away plates and paper towels. I know it doesn't sound like fun, but make a camping trip out of it. It's not for long. As for your husband, I wouldn't argue about it, I just wouldn't do anything except care for me and the baby. Also, you might check with some neighbors who may take him for a play date once a day, you can repay the favor when you are well. Good luck. Hope this doesn't sound dumb to you..I did it, and it worked. Pam German
   — Pam G.

July 11, 2002
Oh bless your heart, I know what u must be going through. Even though my hubby says he will help me we still get in some heated discussions about this surgery like, with the proper exercises you could probably lose the weight, BLAH BLAH BLAH, I am like, "I am over 450lbs dear, I could die tomorrow"!! But he is kinda like your husband making jokes at wiping the rear etc. The advice all these women have given are good. Make sure you have all your food ready and waiting on you when you get home. The camping thing sounded good. Keep everything near by. Get the tongs and wipe the ole bottom, something I am gonna get, and just concentrate on getting well. You will be in my prayers and I wish you nothing but the best! May your guardian angel watch over you always!
   — Donna O.

July 11, 2002
I didn't have a problem with my DH helping me, but his problem was that he was scared of the side effects of the surgery, meaning he didn't know how I'd do with the "assault" on my body (so to speak), and now he's worried that when I lose the weight, I'll leave him (there is a high incidence of this happening). Everybody's different, I know, and it's hard to generalize from one man to another, but perhaps your husband is scared, too. Sounds like he might have been during your pregnancy. Check it out with him. Being scared is a unmanly thing to admit for some guys, so it may take some probing. Have you got psych support thru your program for surgery? If so, you might see if you can access a trained, 3rd person to help you guys sort this out. My heart goes out to you. It's hard to be there alone. E-mail if you'd like. At least I can listen and encourage. Good luck!
   — Loretta E.

July 12, 2002
You have to think of yourself right now. Ask your family for help. If your family can take your son for a few days until you can get back on your feet, then do it. Your husband has already said he won't help, so don't be dependent on him. You will need all your strength to get you up and going again. Before you go to the hospital, be sure to have all your grocery shopping done so that you won't have to get up and out. Good luck!
   — dolphins94

July 12, 2002
Sounds like you have two toddlers. He also seems to be a selfish person and I wouldn't even want someone around me that was unsympathetic or just another hassle. From past surgical expiriences I found out that my husband is not the best caretaker, but he will care for me and our home, just not the way I would do things. I found this an annoyance, especially while on drugs... and depressed. When I knew I was getting this surgery, I made arrangements to stay half of one week with my sister, the other with my best friend (both worked during the day). When I was well enough- I went home. But I had LAP, and I was well on my way to normalcy after two weeks (just needed husband to drive me to check-ups). I also had all my ducks in a row (food, instructions etc.) When I needed my gallbladder out, I had my Mom come for 1 night (with an option for more!) to make sure I could do everything on my own. In most situations in my life, I do not rely on others FOR ANYTHING. As, I always end up disappointed. Maybe that theory is a bit screwed (my own problem) but I am tired of disappointment and finally realized, if I want it done right, I must do it myself. There is no way for another to understand how you feel and what you expect unless you lay it on the line for him. If he refuses - what can you do? You will have to rely on yourself. But remember this expirience, if you cannot rely on him for this important; WHAT exactly can you rely on him for?
   — Karen R.

July 12, 2002
Hi! Let YOUR HEALTH be your PRIMARY concern because you want to be around to love and nourish your children and to have a long, HEALTHIER and happier life. Now I'm not saying to ignore your husband, but if he TRULY loves you, he'll do whatever it takes to assist you. He too, will reap great benefits if he does. I agree totally with Karen, Pam and others and for YOUR sake, I hope he eventually comes around and not tease about what he won't wipe I'm sure if the shoe wass on the other foot, you would be there for him. Keep your chin up, girlfriend!
   — yourdivaness

July 12, 2002
I don't want to seem to brag or make you feel worse. I just have such an urge to share how special my hubby is. I asked him about these sorts of questions and he said he would do those things if I needed it.....wiping, bathing, shampoo my hair. I am a very private person and I'd probably bust my stitches before I asked someone else to help me with such personal stuff, especially if I was sore and tired etc. I love my hubby so much and I am so totally grateful to have him. I looked up a product called the "bottom-buddy" on a health care products website. It looks like a great thing for helping out in that department. Maybe it would be worth the investment (it's about $40), if it helps save your dignity. Have you thought about going on a semi-strike for a day or two re your man and the lack of help? Try not cooking, or not rushing to clean up after the little one and so on. Let the mess pile up and when he complains, tell him it wouldn't hurt him to pitch in and help. A home is where two people live. And your child is a joint responsibility. He has to do his share too, or he just becomes a "boarder".!! Just my humble opinion. Best of good wishes and prayers for your surgery and recovery!
   — Katie E.

July 12, 2002
I never had to have help wiping my behind and maybe you won't either. IF you look in the library section you will see commnts from others who has rigged up long-handled spoons if they needed it to help with hygiene. It seems others have responded lengthily to your husband issues, but I want to wish you the absolute best!I hope you grow more and more self-sufficient and love yourself enough to know what is the best situation for YOU! This is a wonderful opportunity for you!
   — Molly S.

July 12, 2002
Hi Michelle - your email made me sad...then it went from sad into mad but I'm going to try and keep my tongue held so I don't get land-bashed by other readers for stating what I really think. To put it nicely as possible - If I were in your shoes, I would believe myself to deserve more. I DID need help wiping my behind and doing other things around the house - I didn't want my husband to have to help out but I didn't have a choice & he did so without a complaint in the world. I insisted on sanitary gloves and he told me how I shouldn't even think twice about those types of things - he's my husband/soul mate afterall, he would say. Stitches & drains left in for 10-days after surgery left it a little difficult for me to turn & do things like that. I wouldn't be with my husband if he didn't treat me like the person I deserve to be treated like. I have a great ability to love and to give of myself but I wouldn't settle, from my partner, of anything less. At my highest weight (357) to my lightest weight - it doesn't make the person who I truly am. He'll be all over you, more than likely, when you get down to the size he will see as incredibly sexy & whatnot - then the questions within you will start "where was he when I REALLY needed him". It's a weird ordeal and hang on for the emotional roller coaster of a lifetime - you'll be amazed how your inside feelings can change as you start blossoming from that caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly...I wish you the best of luck & blessings.
   — Lisa J.

July 12, 2002
My (live-in) boyfriend, who isn't very helpful around the house, told me before my surgery that he wouldn't wipe my butt and I hoped he was joking. It turns out that he was the best caretaker I could have had. He was so helpful (talk about doing a 180!), getting me things when I couldn't get up, listening to me cry "what did I do to myself?!", rubbing my back when it hurt after the hospital bed, bringing me more water, etc. I was wonderfully surprised. I think sometimes men's way of coping with something stressful is to be flippant but you will know the truth when you need help the most. I pray that it turns out the way you need. HUGS & good luck. [p.s. I agree with having the groceries bought and some easy things for you to make. Also, buy a jumbo pack of t.p. so you don't run out and need to go to the store!] ;o)
   — Jennifer A.

July 12, 2002
My story~ It wasn't as much that my live-in boyfriend wouldn't, but that I didn't want him too. Trust me, he gave me anal injections when I had a bad bout with hemmriods. I was mortified by that. So as surgery approached I got a pair of BBQ tongs and some of the "wet" toliet paper. I got very clean and felt fresh too. I had no problem at all. But I recommend that you use a few pieces of toliet paper. Once I didn't and the scratches did feel good, lol. Also something that I learned we to get something like FDS Body Spray. I got the powder scent and it also help make me feel fresh and clean. Good luck to what ever you decide on. I think it is all trial and error until we find what works for us. ~Smiles~ Candi
   — Candi B.

July 13, 2002
Michelle, you're going to be fine. If you've been on this web site for very long, you know where there's a will there's a way. If you, like me, can cary 350 lbs. around day in and day out, you're so much stronger than you think. Take it easy, be prepared, ask for help with the little on, most Grandparent, Aunts, etc. would love to have a day or two with their grandchild, niece, nephew. Hubby will come around in fifty pounds or so, just wait and see. You're going to do great! Laura
   — Laura R.

July 13, 2002
No one can predict how your husband will react to your surgery. I can sing the praises to the high heavens about my own, but truth said, after a failed VBG, he was NOT enthusiastic about me having a revision. Now he sees that I have changed as much as the procedure has, and he is as enthusiastic about it as me! I didn't find this site until 1 week post-op. I had no idea that other people had "wiping problems". At one point I was on the pot, there were two nurses in the bathroom or just outside it with my husband. He said, "is there anything I can do to help?" and I snapped, "unless you can wipe my ass, there is nothing you can do!" At which point the snickering nurses left and my husband got the hose on the back of the toilet and hosed me down. I never considered asking him to wipe my butt. He has since done far more disgusting things -- packing incisions, for example -- so I know he would. But knowing ahead of time that tongs will eliminate the need for this involvement, maybe you don't need to dwell on that one task. Really, though, my husband and I went from an agreement that he would hang out to make sure I made it into recovery, but then would work by day, hang with kids (6, 4, 2) by night, until I was ready to come home. Instead, he stayed with me (awake) the first night, with wet wash clothes and mouth swabs, until 6 am, when he went home to shower and go to work. He was with me every evening after that, and worked harder at my recovery than I did, I think. Don't get hung up on the unknown. And be considerate of the fact that some people cannot fathom wiping another person's butt.
   — Karen F.




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