Question:
What happens when your family is not supportive?
My surgery date is set for Jan. 12 and I am 99% sure I want to do this, but because my husband does not agree with my upcoming endevor (he has basically told me that he cannot support me afterwards when he doesn't agree with it) I am feeling very scared as to what it will be like without the emotional support of the most important person in my life? Can I do this on my own? Please help! — skneminnee (posted on December 10, 2008)
December 10, 2008
Yes, you CAN do this on your own! There are countless support groups out
there..... there should be one at the hospital where you have your surgery,
or in your surgeon's office. There should be lots of classes you can take,
and if there isn't..... then YOU create them. You are doing this thing so
that you can shed the weight and get healthy. I don't care if nobody
supported me, I'd be right there doing it anyway. That's why I will not
tell anyone at work when I have the surgery.... they won't be supportive.
My partner is semi-supportive.... she would rather see me have the lap-band
than the bypass.... but I want more weight to come off, faster, and I want
to be able to use the tool like antabuse is used for alcoholics.... they
drink while they're taking the pill, and they get dreadfully sick. I don't
like to be sick, so I'm going to follow all the rules. Hey.... if you
don't have a budy, I'll be your buddy. We can support each other! In the
meantime, I've been told I need to get the book "Before and
After" - one of the women I know says it's been like her bible. You
can get it from BariatricEating.com in their protein sample package for
59.00.
— Erica Alikchihoo
December 10, 2008
I'm sorry to hear about your husband. But you can do this on your own. So
no worries. You can always come to the chatroom here for support.
Remember... you are doing this for your health. If he can't see it this
way, well too bad. Good luck.
— maria09elena
December 10, 2008
I know what you're talking about. My sister will not support me, so a
girlfriend of mine is going with me for the day of surgery, and I'm
planning to check myself into a nursing home if I can't handle getting up
and around myself! That way, my sister will only be inconvenienced if I
don't make it off the table.
— [Deactivated Member]
December 10, 2008
I found out before my lap band surgery that my brother had called my mom
and begged her to try to talk me out of it because he was afraid that I was
going to die-not bc he did not want me to lose wt. Find out the real reason
why he is unsupportive and help him to understand how important this
surgery is for you.If he still refuses, tell him that he will not get to
enjoy YOUR hot little body after the surgery does it's job.(Ha Ha)-See if
that changes his mind.One of the wonderful things that comes out of the
surgery/wt loss is the tremendous boost in self esteem and because of that
we do not allow people in our lives to treat us poorly anymore.
— pattyann
December 10, 2008
I understand completely what you are going through. I went through and have
been going through something similar. I am not sure about your other means
of support but as for your husband forget him, you can do this!! My husband
is he same way, but I made up my mind that I needed to make this decision
for me and not let anyone influence me differently. It takes alot to get us
to this point in our lives. I will not kid you it will not be easy but it
can be done I am doing it. Find another family member or buddy from the
board that can go with you to the hospital. I would suggest you join the
local state board I am not sure where you are from it did not say it in
your profile but I know people on our Maryland Board support each other and
without the help of buddies and support I found on OH I would not be able
to get through it. Also, if you have someone in your family that is
somewhat supportive that will help. I only have a son and daughter who are
other than and even they don't fully understand. Please contact me through
the board if you ever want to talk in more detail I am Theresamarie -
Maryland. Good luck and do it!!!
— THERESAMARIE
December 10, 2008
I also had no support- you can do it! My sister went with me for the
surgery. This is the one decision that is YOURS alone- it's not about him.
Good luck- Marlayna
— MWiley
December 10, 2008
Carolann, My surgery date is also set for Jan. 12. Unlike yours, my husband
is supportive. If you have come this far in the process and truly feel that
this is what is going to take to get yourself healthy, then go for it! Your
husband is probably insecure about what you are going to look like after
the weight is gone. Reassure him you are doing this for your health, not
looks. I Am looking for an online support buddy, so I would love it if you
would be my buddy. Especially since we both have the same surgery date!!
— Billie R.
December 10, 2008
I'm so sorry to hear your husband isn't being supportive, hopefully he will
come around by the 12th of Jan. It's great to have that family support, do
you have other family members who will be there for you on the day of
surgery? Remember you will always have us to chat with. I will keep you
and your family in prayer.
Happy Holidays
Goldie1960
— Goldie1960
December 10, 2008
YOU CAN DO IT!!!! I am in a different situation. I do not have a
significant other and my parents play a very large roll in my life. I live
with them as does my 9 year old son. I am 42 and had Lap gastric bypass in
July. They attended education class with me, where my Father walked out.
My Mother is a bit more supportive but goes with whatever Dad says. I do
think that having them attend class was a good step but unfortunately
neither will attend any kind of meeting either before or after. My Dad
actually tried to talk me out out of my surgery an hour before I was to be
at the hospital the day of my surgery. It has been tough but as of today I
have lost 88 lbs. I have less than 20 lbs. to go to get to my goal. There
is not a day that goes by that my Dad does not make some rude or nasty
comment regarding my WLS, but I just smile and say I did it for me! I have
shared this not to tell my story but to let you know that YOU CAN DO
THIS!!!
I would be happy to be your online buddy. If you would like to send me an
email, I check my OH email frequently.
Also, do you have a mentor? Is your Dr. aware of the non-support? Do you
have a counselor? All of these have helped me.
— *****GIGS *******
December 10, 2008
I agree that you might want to find out WHY your husband is acting this way
but BY NO MEANS should his reasons affect your decision. He may be afraid
you'll die, he may be afraid you'll get skinny and leave him for someone
else. Maybe he can't even put words to his fears. You can try to reassure
him but in the end, none of that matters. He needs to suck it up and be a
big boy! If this surgery is the right thing for you, you need to go ahead
and do it. Don't let someone else's fears stop you from taking the step
that will save you life! As for emotional support--you have all of us! All
you need to do it sit down at the computer and here we are!! Good luck!
Please come back and tell us how it went!
— Tina G.
December 10, 2008
I understand your aprehensions with this due to an unsupportive husband. My
husband is not a major support in my life on multiple levels, and the Dr
that did my psych eval turned me down at first because she felt that my
husband would sabotoge my surgery. I had to go back to her, and expain that
if I was a single woman, my main supports would be my family and close
friends, so why is it so horrible that my family and close friends are my
cheering squad instead of my husband. She approved me for surgery then. I
had sugery 5 1/2 weeks ago, any my husband, so far, has been nothing but
supportive. I think that it has brought us together as a family more.
— jen_kill
December 10, 2008
Carolan,
YOU CAN DO THIS! Set your mind to the fact that you will be healthier and
will have the ability to live longer, enjoy your grnadchildren if you have
them or when you have them and just enjoy life again! If your husband does
not support those reasons then maybe he is worried about your well-being or
what changes (psychological) will take place when you start losing the
weight. Like "will she still find me attractive, will she want to look
around for a newer slimmer more attractive man... These are just a few of
the things that may be running through his mind. If possible sit down with
him and ask him what is worrying him about the surgery or the results of
the surgery. Hopefully you two can work it out and he will be there for
you, just remember though that this is something you are doing to improve
your self-worth, self-esteem, and most importantly for improvement in your
overall health.
Mary
— allbright1
December 10, 2008
Carolann you CAN do this...with or without your husband's support. I had
RNY on Nov. 4th, for me the weight loss is a "bonus"...in the
first THREE WEEKS after surgery I was off ALL medications !! I left the
hospital without my diabetes medication and my blood pressure medication
too !! I saw my PCP on Nov. 24th, had blood work done and she called me on
the 25th to tell me she was not going to give me a refill on my medication
for cholesterol...my "bad" cholesterol was BELOW NORMAL !! My
A1C was 6.9...with NO meds for 3 weeks...when I was on medication we
couldn't get it below 7.4 !! Find out the real reason your husband is
being so UNsupportive and try to work through it ~ "together" !!
I want to get healthy for my children, my grandchildren and for my
husband...but most importantly for "me" !! Good Luck to you and
know you have LOTS of support right here...anytime !!
— debz_58
December 11, 2008
Oh Honey! We all have surgery to right the wrong. To help with health
issues. To get off all of the meds for this aliment or another. To live
longer. To be able to keep up with our kids. To go traveling. To join life
again. To cross our legs. To fit into "normal" clothes. To go
shopping. To enjoy life. To do all of things you cannot do when you are
obese. You are doing this for YOU and no one else. Your husband will either
come around after surgery or he won't. But you have to do this surgery for
yourself and yourself only FIRST. My husband was scared to death of me
having surgery. He likes "big" women. Although when it comes down
to it he loves me for who I am and not what I look like - so he got over
that one. He was scared to death I would die during surgery. I shared the
surgeon's stats with him - he got over it. He thought I wouldn't cook for
him anymore. Since surgery I enjoy cooking and baking even more than I used
to and have been trying new recipes and techinques and in the process - he
has lost some weight, too. Find out exactly WHY or WHAT is discouraging him
for encouraging you and if he is truly your 'partner' you both can get
through this together. Good Luck. Best of luck actually. Hope to see you on
the loser's bench... soon!
— jammerz
December 11, 2008
Maybe he has his own fears. Have you had the time to discuss why he is not
in agreement? If your heart says this is what you want to do at this time
in your life, go with it. But try your best to help your husband through
his emotions. You said he is the most important person in your life,
post-op is when you need the most support, this could sabotage your
journey.
— bariatricdivalatina
December 11, 2008
You are 99% sure...Do it. I was in the same boat as you. My husband was so
against the surgery. I was so hurt and had a year waiting list for my
surgery date! it was just painful / almost destroyed our marriage of 19
years (At the time) I was certain that I wanted the surgery even without
his support...He realized I REALLY wanted it and that even he could not
manipulate me, giving him a new found respect for me...because after 19
years I think he thought that I had lost my own identity and become so
dependant on him. It made him realize that he could lose me on the
operating table or in a divorce...This scared him to death! After surgery,
he mellowed out...He was relieved I didn't die...He was relieved that it
WLS was working. And I was happier and healthier than I was in a LONG time.
I was no longer in pain and grumpy and he saw how I stopped taking my
med's and insulin and how can a person not be happy when they see their
spouse get healthier? All his friends and co workers tell him how lucky he
is...He eats it all up now! If he loves you, he'll get over his doubts
and fears and whatever is causing him to rebel against the surgery. My
husband is one happy man now, in so many ways and I'm soooo happy too!
Unfortunately, you have to be the one who helps him change his mind if YOU
love him...Rather than fight with him about how hurt I was, I just decided
to educate him in what was going to happen so he KNEW I did my research and
when he gave me myths...I gave him facts...He's one who shuts off when I
want to talk...but I made him talk and listen in the car where he could not
run away! LOL I learned he was just afraid of me dying and having to raise
our teenagers alone without me...I never knew he thought about those kind
of things, so I learned a little about the softer side of my grumpy man!
And since surgery we have fallen so in love and I have this crusty
marshmellow man...all burnt and crusty on the outside and soft and sweet
when you get inside. Who knew???...Our marriage was never perfect and very
fragile all those years...I am 5 years post op next month...and I have to
say that these have been the best years of our marriage...I know I can
speak for him too...Ever hear the saying...."When mama aint happy,
aint no one happy?" You have the surgery and be happy...If he aint
happy after he watches you burst from your cocoon, he's a damn fool! You
might as well learn to be happy! You are 33! You still have so much youth
left! ENJOY your life...He will learn that you can be happy and still love
him...If not, well you are 33 darlin'...Too young to be unhealthy and
unhappy...And you are so pretty too! You are going to be soooooo happy!
I wish you much luck and success , health and happiness!
— .Anita R.
December 11, 2008
Men can be such weanies. Maybe tell him he has the right to diagree with
the surgery but as your husband should be supportive of you. And As said
above, no nookie for him when you a hot mama. Seriously, he maybe
concerned about you being skinny. My hubby teased me several times that I
would run off with a fireman. I work in an ER and have a "thing"
for firemen. I just joked back and reassured him that there arent any cute
one that I work with. Now that Im down 58 lbs hes pretty happy and getting
ready to have the surgery himself. Get the support from other family
members
— urbrat2
December 11, 2008
Do not waiver in your decision to have the surgery. My husband was
wonderful about it until he read the booklet from the lap band company, and
all the bad things that could happen. Right before the surgery he told me
he would support me in whatever I decided but he did not think I should go
ahead with it. I am 65 years old, married for 47 years, retired. 14
grandkids. Everything in my life was wonderful except I gained 50 lbs. in
the last 3 years (on top of weighing 190 lbs.) I could not go walking with
the kids, always tired, you know the rest. My kids thought there was
something physically wrong with me, not just being overweight. I knew it
was the weight. I will get right to the point. I had the surgery November
11, have lost 30 lbs. and feel fantastic. Have the surgery and you will
be sooooo happy. Good luck and like everyone say this will be your support
system.
— juneway20
December 11, 2008
I was fortunate that my husband was so supportive and has always been
terrific. My parents on the other hand initially were not thrilled. But,
they did some research and finally got on board. I am 2+ years post op lap
RNY. I have lost 200+ pounds. My BMI was 53 when I started and is now 22.
I sent from a size 28 to a size 6-8. I would have never believed my
surgery would be as successful as it was. I was at my doctors goal weight
in 1 year and at my present weight in 15 months. I've held that weight for
over a year now. There are really no words to describe how terrific I feel
and how happy I am. Your husband probably feels insecure and thinks you
can just do it on your own. Those who don't walk in our shoes have no idea
how tough it is. Maybe he is someone who could lose the weight without the
surgery - but not everyone is the same. You go girl and don't let anyone
stand in your way. If he truly loves you...... he'll get on board and
support you. Hugs and best of luck! :-)
— waferqueen
December 11, 2008
Hi, I agree with everyone here on the board that replied to your letter.
You are doing this for you...can't be done to please other people. I live
by myself, and yes I worry about possibly having problems, but there are
neighbors around who will help me. Plus, this is a great site to get help
and support. I have not had my surgery yet, on the last step I hope..have
the nutritional evaluation next wed. I have not told too many people, one
of my best friends said it was the easy way out, my dad said it was the
easy way out, but both of them out weigh me and are not doing anything to
help themselves. I do not worry about thier comments...think they are
jealous!!
As for being sabatoged by your husband and not getting support; from
counseling I have recieved before my divorce years ago, the counselor told
me that a lot of men are afraid of losing control over us when we make a
major change in our lives, they feel insecure, feel that we may walk out on
them for someone else. They feel comfortable with our size because they do
not feel threatened. Too bad for them...they are the ones who need
counseling. Just have to reassure him that he is still #1 in your life,
and that you are doing this for your health, so you can live a lot longer
to enjoy his company. So, hang in there sweetie, YOU CAN DO IT!! Tell
yourself everyday that you will succeed with or without his approval...we
seem to want approval for ourselves to justify our being...we need no ones
approval but ourselves. I hope this little bit of wisdom helps you. Good
luck on the road to a more beautiful person.
Farmgirl58
— Farmgirl58
December 11, 2008
What a tough situation! Even my EX-husband is supportive and has attended
support groups with me as I look into RNY. How hard for you! Maybe you
could share the reponses ppl have given to you with your husband as a
springboard for trying to get to the root of what his issues are... but
ultimately they are his issues, and you have to do what you feel is best
for you... which might have to include developing a different support
system other than your spouse. Good luck!
— CinnSareLee
December 11, 2008
Well at first my wife was also very unsupportive before my surgery. Until
I beared my soul on why I wanted to have the surgery. After that she
started to see why I want it and told me she loved me even being Heavy.
She thought I would leave her after I lose the weight, I told her I mostly
want to lose the weight for her and my health. Now 5 weeks after the
surgery she is liking what she see's and wants to lose what little she
needs to also. The best support is in people that have had the surgery.
Start going to support groups or get close to some one that has had it. I
have three good friends I talk to daily and feel much better with there
help. The other thing is mostly me, I have to tell myself what to do more
than anyone else. You have to do this for you first, and after the afew
months people will noitice and now I don't remember my friends being big
and two have only been 18 months out. It seams that they never had a
wieght problem. My closest friend showed a picture with her skinny sister
in it and I thought she was her sister first then I noticed her bfore her
surgery. So do it for you and it will be the best thing you have ever done
for you everyone else will come around. You will like the new you but you
have the final choice, Pick out what you want and stay with it.
Scott
— Scott Ambrose
December 11, 2008
I understand your fear. I had the surgery a number of years ago when it
was a lot more primitive for lack of a better word than it is today with
zero support. One of my good friends however was going through her own
different kind of surgery and was extremely supportive. I am still friends
with her and we support each other through everything. So make this about
yourself because it is and if your husband truly is only just as scared or
maybe more scared than you are and that is why he emotionally detached; do
it anyway. THIS IS ABOUT YOU NOT HIM! I could give you a book of reasons
to do it but the main one is you will improve yourself in many ways and you
will be a hottie! If your hubbie will do it try to get him to talk about
why he doesn't want to support you in this. But like I said, do it for
yourself! You'll be in my prayers and may God Bless and keep you. Good
luck.
vinnigirl
— vinnigirl
December 11, 2008
Carolann i wish you life's best, always. I requires a lot of mental
strength and courage to go through this alone. My RNY is scheduled for
22nd of dec and I value my husband's support immensely. Please educate him
about the whole procedure and "talk" to him about this, tell him
how important it is for you to free yourself from obesity and how life
would be post-surgery...I am prayin that things work out fine and your
husband supports you in this soo very important phase of your
life..Ofcourse you CAN do it without his support, but....
Love n prayers,
take care....
— gowrijoshi
December 11, 2008
Nothing NEW.
I was in a similar position like that. However, timewill come around and
your spouse will realise that you are doing this for the benifit of you
both. However be carefull of what option you are taking and the risks with
your surgeon and clinic. Some people are in problems permanently from their
surgery.You dont want that because there in no agreement initially.
However,God is great and you need to seek him for direction.
— slims
December 13, 2008
HI CAROLANN'S SORRY TO HEAR YOU HAVE NO SUPPORT, WELL YES YOU WILL ADD ME
TO YOU CHAT PARTNER, CONTACT, SUPPORT AND WHEN YOU NEED SOMEBODY TO TALK
WITH JUST EMAIL ME AND WILL TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING. I HAS MY SURGERY
04/21/08 AND DOING FINE I CHOOSE THE Y-BAND ITS SLOW BUT GOOD. I CANT
REALLY SEE THE WEIGHT COMING OFF. ANYTIME YOU WANT TO CHAT LOOK ME UP.
— TR042108
December 14, 2008
Not to scare you but i am going to be honest.Myhusband was not for it or my
kids,they kids got over it.I lost 130 pounds but around 110 poundsmy
husband left me.You will do great and i am soooo glad i did it,for ME!!I am
10 pounds 2 goal good luck!!
— Sandy Hanson
December 14, 2008
I do not know the reasons behind your husband's lack of support, however I
urge you to go through with your surgery! I am SO GLAD and THANKFUL I had
my surgery 10 months ago, and you will be too! I had high blood pressure
and was mildly diabetic. I had joint pain, and felt 20 years older than I
really was..... I have now lost 105 pounds, and am hoping to lose more. My
blood pressure is now normal without any medication. My blood sugar is
completely normal (85) without any medication. My joint pain is
significantly decreased, and I feel 44, not 64. I feel so much better, and
feel more self-confidence and self-worth. I no longer feel embarrassed to
go out of my house. I no longer have to worry about fitting in to a booth
or chair, or fastening a seat belt. I can walk easier, cross my legs, bend
over, squat down. I thank God I was approved by the insurance company to
have this surgery, and feel so bad for people who did not get approved, or
do not have insurance. See if you can find support from friends, or other
family members. Or join a weight loss surgery support group now, before
surgery. Come here to this website for support. You go ahead and have this
surgery honey - you will be so glad you did!
— Gina S.
December 18, 2008
Hon,
YOU are the most important person in your life right NOW! I am sorry but it
is true! It's hard to hear and swallow, but I call it like I see it. Your
hub will support you later on, but if you decide not to do it, there will
not be a LATER. God Bless you!
Hugs, Michele
— Supermom2008
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